|
I had another date that went really well, I thought.
We'd been talking online for while, and by phone for several days, when I finally asked her out. We had dinner and the
next morning we walked her dogs along a trail near where I live. We talked for hours, and didn't run out of things to say.
We talked about politics or religion, we talked about church and how we grew up, we talked about our families and careers.
It's not so unusual that I would have a lot to say, but if I can spend several hours with someone just engaged in conversation,
and neither of us winds up bored or pissed off, that says a lot.
It's rare enough to find someone that I'm able to converse with in that way, that I've learned to cherish those moments
when they do come along. When I meet someone like that, I'm willing to overlook just about any physical shortcoming or personal
habit, and I wouldn't care if she didn't have perfect manners or didn't have an hourglass figure or had an annoying laugh:
I've just learned not to concentrate on the woman's faults, and to accept those moments for what they are. Particularly since,
based on past experience, I'm relatively certain that they won't last.
Her dogs were jumping around and barking and were really excited to be outside. Dogs fascinate me, particularly the way
they establish social order, with a combination of aggression, dominance, and intimidation. In short order, it was clear which
of them was the alpha dog: The border collie was clearly in charge. And while I admire the qualities that make one dominant,
I can't help sympathizing with the ones who have to submit.
Maybe it's just my own issues, but it seems like most of my life I've felt inadequate. Never good enough, or smart enough,
or talented enough. It's too easy to blame the people in my life who made me feel that way, because the truth is it only happened
because I allowed it to.
My ex-wife maintained control that way for years, by mocking and belittling and complaining. I say these things without
malice. It's just the way she is, and she was being true to her own nature. I wouldn't get mad a flame for burning me, or
a storm for destroying my home. At the same time, though, I don't make excuses for her, as she is responsible for the choices
that she makes and has to live with the consequences. As much as I might joke about it, I love my ex-wife and I want good
things for her, I never say bad things about her to the kids, and I pray for her everyday.
But whatever.
The point is that some people dominate and control. They do so by any number of means, and usually have all kinds of
euphemisms for what they're doing.
Say, a guy will go out with a woman and they'll start getting pretty serious, and then he'll say something like "I really
want us to be together but I'm really not all that attracted to you." The woman will be hurt but choose to stay with him because
she doesn't have the confidence to look for someone else, so she'll go on feeling inadequate and unattractive, probably believing
that no one else will ever want her anyway.
The guy is totally in control, and he knows it. The woman may resent it, but she doesn't see that she has many other
options. It's fairly common to see these types of relationships, and I know our tendency is to see one as the abuser and one
as the victim, but when one chooses to stay with the other and not just get up and leave, they're both willing participants
to the dysfunction and abuse.
If she ever challengess him on what he's doing, or tells him that it hurts her that he's not attracted to her, he'll
say he's just being honest. And isn't being honest a good thing, and doesn't she want a guy who will always be honest with
her? And the fact that it bothers her just means that she has a lot of issues and can't handle the truth.
Man: Honest, good
Woman: Insecure, bad
Is it possible in this situation to be honest without hurting anyone? Maybe it's not an issue of being right and wrong;
maybe it's more about how people feel. Why else would you tell someone you were dating that you weren't attracted to them, and
why would you stay with someone if you weren't?
It's just an example. It could be anything, really, that someone chooses to make an issue out of, anything that hurts
or intimidates or even just irks someone else. I know, because I chose to live that way for years.
Now I choose not to.
(From The Mailbag February 21, 2007)
I read your entries -- I like 'em. "I worry about it for about three seconds and then I realize that, since they're all boring
and I'm really not, I could care less. And then I take a nap." that especially made me laugh out loud.
What you said here: "If she ever challengess him on what he's doing, or tells him that it hurts her that he's not attracted to her, he'll
say he's just being honest. And isn't being honest a good thing, and doesn't she want a guy who will always be honest with
her? And the fact that it bothers her just means that she has a lot of issues and can't handle the truth." yeah. in any
relationship--friendship, romantic, family, male/male, female/male, female/female--that kind of stuff just sucks. That, "just
being honest" or playing things off as sarcasm ("hey, i'm just joking.") all the time. . . It just sucks and I think you wrote
that entry well.
About the honesty thing: you can be honest
and encouraging at the same time, you know? . . .just never, ever say "you look fine" to a woman. ever. EVER. NEVER EVER say
"fine." seriously. That's kinda getting off what you were saying in the entry, though. . .
|
