In Asia they eat everything that moves, and sometimes they don't even take the time to cook it. They have spices that Americans never even heard of, peppers so hot that it's like catching your face on fire, and as many different ways to cook chicken as there are chickens over there. Asians eat snakes and dogs and even though I've never eaten either of them and the idea isn't even appealing to me, I imagine that I could be halfway through a meal, find out I was eating dog, and it would be so awesome I wouldn't even mind. Unless it was a dog I knew. Asians make sauces out of peanuts and cashews and have combinations that other countries wouldn't think of.

 

I know in Greek mythology the gods ate food that was so awesomely amazing that mortals couldn't even dream of it, which is kind of how I think Asian food is and I wonder if they didn't just have a Chinese buffett on Mount Olympus, and some waiter telling them "You eat here, happy long time!"

 

Despite it being the greatest food in the universe, you hardly ever see fat Asians. I think it's because 1) when Asians eat meat, it's almost always part of a dish with lots of vegetables, and  2) there is no cheese in Asia. I don't know why that is because every time you see pictures of people in Asia, they're always in these carts being pulled by cows. So they must at least know what cheese is. In the U.S., you go to places likePhiladelphia and they put cheese on everything: Amish cheese, cheesesteaks, Philly cream cheese. But as far as I know there is no Asian cheese and maybe they just never figured out how to make it healthy, like everything else over there.

 

Reason Two: Asian Chicks Are Hot

 

I like how Asian women bow and smile and say "yes" all the time even when they clearly have no idea what you're saying. You just don't find that level of agreeability in women from Western society.I'm all for women having their own minds and opinions, but there's something to be said for blind devotion, particularly when it's culturally enforced.

 

 

I don't know why, but for some reason it's considered impolite to say that Asians are generally better at math than non-Asians, so I'll avoid sweeping generalities and just say that Asians are generally better at math than I am, for what that's worth. Whatever their genetic predispositions may be, that they seem to value order is apprent even in what we would consider left-brained activities like poetry and religion. They're very practical, very structured, and very functional.

 

While we get very passionate and emotional about things like that, Asian people generally don't. No one's ever gone on a crusade or had an inquistiion because they didn't like Taoists, and there's never been a war fought over what kind of Buddhist one should be, and Asians don't generally don't blow each other up over which non-violent philosophy they should follow.

 

Granted, they will blow each other up over just about everything else. But their religion is awesome.

 

 

An Asian can make a big flowery speech about how non-violent they are and how they have no wish to fight, and then totally kick your ass and still seem honest and sincere.

 

Martial arts is punches and kicks and blocks and flipping people over. It even looks cool: It's almost more like dancing than fighting. Dancing that doesn't seem gay, I mean.

 

It's not natural to fight this way, or I should say it's not instinctual, the way your instincts may tell you to grab a stick and hit someone with it, or just punch them as hard as you can. It takes training and long hours of practice and it just makes me wonder whoever thought of it and why. It was probably someone who was 1) really really smart, and 2) getting beat up a lot.

 

It seems like all the Asian countries independently came up with their own martial arts, which is not nearly as bizarre as the fact that none of the non-Asians did at all. Tribal Africans and Native Americans didn't, and Europeans just blew each other up. And I was going to say that they were so busy blowing each other up that they didn't have time to make up martial arts, but then I remembered that Chinese people also invented gun powder and they still seemed to have plenty of time.

 

It would be cool if you could combine kung fu and gunpowder, and since I just said that I'm thinking it would be cool if you could also involve beer and rock and roll....and then I remember, yeah, Elvis Presley's sad final days.

 

But that's off the subject

 

 

Someone emailed me these pictures: