September 17, 2002

Sometimes I think of all the beauty that's in the world, of how two people of vastly different backgrounds and value systems can find each other, of how two hearts adrift in a lonesome world cry out to each other and create a perfect moment in time, a moment that lights a fire in their dreams forever. And sometimes all of this really gets to me, and I actually find myself crying tears of joy.

But not really.

OK, well sometimes I guess I really do think about all that stuff, but only in a dissociative kind of way that has nothing to do with my real life, and to which I feel no emotional attachment. I think when you get married you stop thinking about destiny and stuff like that. Maybe not right when you get married, but at least within twenty-four hours.

When I do think about that stuff, usually I think about that episode of Quantum Leap where Sam meets that girl and totally falls in love with her. To me, that's fate and destiny: he meets his perfect love, has a great relationship, and two days later leaps out and forgets all about her.

I'm just kidding.

Really.

Really.

I guess if I ever really did think about destiny or whatever, I would think about how sometimes destiny eludes us, like that old movie with Warren Beatty and Natalie Wood, and how that one moment in the hospital when if she had heard him calling for her they would have been together probably the rest of their lives, but she didn't and so they weren't, and then they were both left to forever wonder "what if?" I don't really remember much else about that movie, like what it was called or anything, but I do remember that one part in the hospital, and I remember that Natalie Wood was totally hot. I think I was doing something else when it was on. I don't remember what.

It's also kind of like that episode of Green Acres where Arnold the pig fell in love with a basset hound. Or like how on The Beverly Hillbillies, Miss Hathaway was all in love with Jethro and he was too stupid to realize it. Or maybe he did realize it and just pretended to be stupid because Miss Hathaway frightened him. Like how she frightened me.

I don't know if I believe in fate or destiny. At least not in the sense of like believing that no matter what you do or what choices you make, you're going to wind up with one particular person or doing one particular thing with your life. I mean, it's easy to look back on things and think that it was all written out beforehand, and I reckon there is some measure of comfort for folks who are afraid about the future to believe that it'll all work out just 'cause. But I don't buy it.

On the other hand, I do believe that if you jump off a building, it's destiny that eventually you'll hit the ground. And you'll probably die, even if all the way down you're thinking, "So far, so good." That's the kind of destiny I believe in. That's destiny you can count on, dammit!!!

When you look at it the right way, all this destiny stuff can be kind of calm and wise and zen, you know, just accepting whatever comes your way. When you look at it the wrong way, it's just stupid and lazy. It's like idiots whose whole lives are things that just happen to them. You know how when someone talks about their lives and says things like "I wound up getting pregnant" or "I noticed I was doing drugs more and more". They talk like they have no control over anything at all. Which is kind of funny. Pathetic and sad, but funny.

Not to say that stuff just doesn't just happen, stuff you don't have any control over, like floods and wars and diseases. Stuff that kills people and totally sucks, but I don't know why we have to write books and make movies about them and say they're inspirational. Like when someone gets crippled or dies and we say they're courageous. I think people are a lot less impressed with anything those sick and dying folks say or do than they are just grateful that it's not happening to them. And anyway, I've never seen a movie or read a book about someone who got crippled and then just had folks say he was a total wuss about it, and even if they do completely break down and freak out about it, and even jump off a building, we still say they're courageous and brave. I'm not making fun or sick people, I'm just saying.

Anyway, you really can't say all this to anyone, or they think you're a giant ass:

"Did you see that movie Inside Moves? What an inspiration!"

"How so?"

"I mean, when that guy broke his back and had to be in a wheelchair, what courage!"

"But didn't that guy jump off a building?"

""Well, who are you to judge? What if it happened to you, how would you feel?"

"I don't know, I just....how is that courageous?"

"Just shut up, you evil man!"

I'm not sure how all this goes along with destiny.

The thing I don't like about this idea about destiny is that it's too broad. Like whatever happens just happens and our attitude is just supposed to be "whatever". Make up your mind about something and don't say it's destiny.

On the other hand, you can't be in control of everything, and if you try you wind up psychotic and compulsive and with eating disorders. I mean, if you're a girl you get eating disorders; if you're a guy, I don't think you can get an eating disorder. Unless you're like one of those huge Italian guys whose mom is always piling more spaghetti on his plate because she says he's too skinny. I don't know if that's the same thing, though. But whatever.