September 14, 2002

I'm so tired. I mean, insanely tired. Not just sleepy tired, either, but like exhausted, like you just feel that the tiredest you've ever been your whole life was just like being tired on the surface, you know like skin-deep, and this is tired all the way down to your bones. It's one of those times when I feel like, if I ever get to be 80 years old and some kid tells me how tired he is, I can say "You're tired? You don't know what tired is!"

The thing is I am just working like all the time. Literally like every single night. Today I had a dream that I was at work and all these people were yelling at me in the lobby, and my kids were there and they were running around the office making all kinds of noise and carrying on, and everyone I worked with was in the back gossiping about me. It was weird to me because it was totally easy to understand what it was all about, kind of like the kind of dream a TV character would have if he was all stressed out at work.

When you get this tired, it's funny the things that you think about, I mean like how your mind wanders. Mine usually wanders anyway, but at least when I'm not so tired I can concentrate on the dumb crap that I think about.

Tonight I watched part of Pinnochio, and I again wondered what the movie would be like if Pinnochio had actively, even aggresively, resisted the efforts made on his behalf to make him conform to someone else's pre-conceived notions of what a "real boy" should be like. What if Pinnochio had simply said "I'm a wooden boy and I'm proud of my woodenness and I don't want to be anything else but wood!" what would have that been like?

The story might even work if there were two puppets and we could be sympathetic to both of them. As it is, you would just wind up with a kind of Anti-Pinnochio. Kind of like how Bizarro is to Superman.

And then I wonder is that really the opposite of Pinnochio? Pinnochio is a wooden boy who tried to do good so that he can become real and, under the guidance of his self-appointed "conscience", a cricket, resist the temptations to do bad that would result in his being enslaved by unscrupulous men or turned into a donkey. What would the opposite of this be?

1) A wooden girl who has adventures trying to find Pleasure Island so that she can be turned into a donkey like her friends?

2) A wooden boy who tries to be the best wooden boy he can be, and actively tortures his cricket friend?

3) A real boy who does bad so that he can become a puppet and get rich as a performer?

I guess it doesn't really matter what is the opposite of Pinnochio, but I do find it interesting to think about, and I wonder if Pinnochio would actually have gotten along with some of them. Probably the second and third ones there he would have. It may have been kind of an odd couple type thing, where they try to get along despite having vastly different lifestyles and goals.

Sometimes I wonder if I met someone who was the exact opposite of me, would I get along with them? It would probably be difficult, but I guess it all depends on how he or she was the opposite of me. I mean, when you think about it, first of all, there really is no way to be the total opposite of someone in every way, and even if it was you would probably never know it because they would live in China or something, and even if you went to China for some reason they would come here at the same time.

Ok, say there's a man. So the opposite of a man is a woman. And say that he's heterosexual. The opposite of that is gay. But then they would both like women, and they wouldn't be opposite of each other. In fact they'd have a lot in common.

Take James Bond. You couldn't really have someone be the opposite of James Bond. Would he be Russian? French? American? He wouldn't be a spy, because he'd be too stupid, because like James Bond is all smart and everything. So then James Bond would never fight him, or anyway if he did he would totally kick his ass.

They say like Bizarro is supposed to be the opposite of Superman, but I don't see it. I mean, instead of being super-strong, he would be super-weak, and instead of having super-vision, he would be super-blind. I think Batman is more nearly the opposite of Superman, like he's all dark and grim and comes out at night and has no super-powers. Plus he's totally cool, and Superman is kind of a dork. I mean you would never say it out loud though, because he would just kick your ass and just use one finger to do it.

Most folks think of someone being the opposite of you as being like your arch-enemy, but I think if you're opposite in just enough ways you can be friends. In fact, for most people the person they would most hate in all the world would be someone just exactly like them. I know I would. If I ever met anyone just exactly like me, I mean.

Once I knew a guy who thought like me, and we always made the same jokes and watched the same TV shows and liked the same music. But we didn't look alike, or go after the same girls or anything. So we got along ok.

Anyway, I think most people are really screwed up, and it's a wonder anyone gets along. I mean, I encounter enough people to know that what most folks think of as "normal" is an imaginary standard and it's stupid to think that everyone should be this way and we may just as well imagine that everyone should be able to fly or turn invisible. Not only that, but what most folks think of as "crazy" is actually quite common. So common, in fact, that it's actually normal.

Basically.

But especially teenagers. Teenagers are like aliens to me. I've seen and talked to enough of them to have reached the conclusion that they're all insane. I think I know why, too. I think it started in the 1950's when people first started using the word "teenager" and they became kind of a subculture, at least they did here in America. Then they started to want to do their own thing and define themselves apart from the expectations of society. They wanted to shock people.

Maybe they did shock some people, even though it seems silly now to see James Dean in Rebel Without A Cause falling on the floor and yelling "You're tearing me apaaaaaaarrrraaaaaaart!"

Anyway, then the 1960's came, and they had to go a little further to shock people, so they all became Communists and sluts. Then the 1970's came, and they became narcisist disco freaks and anarchist punks. And now they're all seeing therapists.

I'm not making light of it. Just the opposite. I'm saying, they really are all insane. All of them. My only comment on this trend is "It's about time!" I'm surprised they don't just all go ape-shit all the time. And more and more I'm thinking what an incredibly bad idea it is to take millions of teenage lunatics and make them all go to school together eight hours a day. And then I think that the craziest people in the world have to be high school teachers, who are there willingly.

I'm still tired. I mean, I'm wondering if it's possible to be so tired that you're actually in physical pain. I know it affects your mind, and your judgement and your reflexes, and your eyesight. It's too bad it doesn't make you better looking. Kind of like drinking, except of course when you drink everyone else gets better looking.

It kind of reminds me of a TV show I saw once. Or maybe it actually happened to me once, I don't remember; sometimes I get my own real life confused with what I watch on TV. But that's another subject, anyway, the point is, I remember a woman saying to a man "I feel beautiful when I'm with you" and I remember thinking, wouldn't it be cool if people actually did get better looking when they were with me?

I wonder would people want to be with me more? It would probably make them conceited. I mean like it wouldn't have helped me get dates or anything, but once girls started figuring out what was happening I would have started to get calls like "Hey, John, this is Rachel! Listen, I've got a date with Mike tonight, and I thought you'd like to come along with my, um....cousin from Alabama!"

It wouldn't be much of a super-power to have. I mean, unless you were all caring and giving and stuff. I think a better super-power would be to have everyone trust you and believe whatever you said. You could so screw with people's heads. Except that would make it too easy to lie. And it is wrong to lie. So very, very wrong.