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I've been eating this imitation crab meat. It's probably really really bad for you. I mean if I looked it up I'd probably
find that imitation crab meat is full of polyaminomorphic peptides that your body needs to transcalcify the cellular endocrines
of your joints, but they would neglect to say that each little chunk has the same calories as three Big Macs and a chocolate
shake. What's even worse than it being bad for you is that it totally seems like it would be good for you.
I mean like ice cream and french fries you know are bad for you so you just avoid them, but when you think something's good
for you, you just fill up on it til you read in the paper that that particular thing causes your nuts to shrivel and fall
off, but of course by then it's too late because you're singing soprano.
I don't know what it really is. I suppose it's some type of fish, but I don't know why they don't just call it what it
really is, unless maybe it's something with a weird name. Like, say it's made with something called a brickfish, that wouldn't
be so bad. Eating a brick might seem really weird, but I know lots of folks who'll eat pan-fried catfish who would balk at
eating an actual cat. And besides, it might bring to mind an old-timey brick oven or something. But then, there really are
fish called crappies, which doesn't sound like something you'd like to eat or touch or even be very close to. But for the
sake of argument let's say it is a brickfish, even though I just now made that up (even though there probably really is something
called a brickfish and someone's going to email me all about how they used to troll the bayou for brickfish with grandpa when
they were twelve).
As much as it would suck to be dragged from your home and cut up and eaten, it seems totally unfair that they at least
don't even get any credit for it. No kid is going to grin happily and call out "Mmmm! Good brickfish, mom!" It would kind
of be like being an Elvis impersonator. You know, like no one ever listens to an Elvis impersonator and says "Wow! He sings
great!"; they say "Wow! He sounds like Elvis, and Elvis sang great!"
On the other hand, you never seem to hear about a really insane Elvis impersonator who hates Elvis and can't stand being
compared to him all the time and wants to be recognized for his own talent and acheivements despite the fact that's he's
built his entire life and career on doing something that someone else did 50 years ago and a million times better. I'm not
sure how this fits in with imitation crab meat, but anyway, back on topic...
It could be a really good thing for the brickfish, actually. Because everyone knows what imitation crab meat is, but
no one's ever heard of brickfish. And so when it comes time for little Johnny to head down to the fishing hole with Pa, all
the folks who really love brickfish are going to be busy looking for crabs. Maybe the brickfish planned it this way, like
some kind of natural defense against being eaten. But it doesn't seem fair to the crabs. It's like one of those old prison
movies where the wrong guy goes to prison, or maybe the brickfish is like the one-armed man on The Fugitive.
Anyway, I don't know why we have to eat imitation crab meat instead of just eating regular crab meat, or why we have
to call it imitation crab meat instead of just calling it whatever it really is. Unless it's not really fish at all, like
maybe it's possum or squirrel. Or maybe it's not even meat, like maybe it's cloned from different weird parts of a crab.
That would really be bad for you. Not as bad as in some other countries where they eat like dirt and seashells. And of
course we all have to be nice and not call them stupid or gross, so we just call them "exotic" and put them on Ripley's
Believe It Or Not.
There is another possibilty that just now occurs to me, and that is that maybe imitation crab meat actually comes from
imitation crabs. And maybe imitation crabs are like irradiated beef that everyone gets so upset about, like beef isn't bad
enough for you now let's make sure it's radioactive, too.
I like imitation crab meat, although I also like regular crab meat. I've never seen a recipe call for both imitation
and real crab meat, or a menu that offered both, so I guess folks think they're pretty similar. On the other hand, you never
see one of those cooks on TV say, "You can use either real or imitation crab meat, it doesn't really make any difference!"
Here's a menu for a pizza place near me that I am totally not making up. They seem to have everything, except no imitation
crab meat.
On second thought, I don't see lobster on this menu, or even imitation lobster, which I know they really have because
I see it on the shelf right next to the imitation crab meat. I wonder if imitation lobsters are friends with imitation crabs?
And even though I like crab, I don't really see it being served that often. I mean, it's not really rare or exotic, like
serving rabbit would be, but it's not exactly a staple of our diet either. So I wonder who thought that the demand for crab
meat was so great that we had to come up with a cheaper alternative? And so why don't we have imitation beef, or imitation
chicken?
If anyone has any thoughts on this subject, please let me know.
UPDATE: Wednesday evening
Well, I found a home page about seafood (made by someone who apparently has an unhealthy obsession with the subject)
and you can link to it Right Here.
From The Mailbag September 14, 2007
Hi! I'm not sure if you're still eating imitation crabmeat, but I did find some nutritional info on it:
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Dear HG,
Is imitation crab meat really a good low fat meat? What do
you do with it?
-Real Curious 'bout Fake Crab |
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Dear Real
Curious,
 Imitation crab is made of minced pollack, blended with many other ingredients. Things like sugar, sorbitol, wheat, egg
whites, and vegetable or soybean oil are often used to mimic crab's natural texture. Flavorings extracted from real
crab or from boiled shells are also used to make the faux fish taste authentic. As for the nutritional content of imitation
crab, 4 ounces of the stuff has about 110 calories, 1g of fat, and 17g of protein (btw, real crab contains around 125
calories, 1.5g of fat, and 25g of protein in 4 ounces). As you can see, the nutritional stats for the imitation and real crab
are very similar. Just like the real deal, the imitation crab is low in fat and calories, and is high in protein. And, of
course, it's a lot cheaper and more convenient to prepare than real crab. As for what to do with it, the easiest way to use
imitation crab is in salads. Just be sure to use a reduced fat mayo if you're making a crab salad requiring the normally fattening
condiment. You can also use imitation crab to make crab cakes, or in egg white scrambles. Really, the sky's the limit when
it comes to this copycat crustacean, so go for it! |
Wow! Thanks, Kristen! It seems like you either went to a lot of trouble looking up information on imitation crab meat,
you sell it commercially, you work for that website or you have an unhealthy obsession wwith my writing.
Whatever it is, good luck to you!
P.S. I'm available. Call me.
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