I don't know why it surprised me, like I thought a dentist needs an excuse to take out power tools. Dentists are to the medical profession kind of like the Monster Garage guys on the Discovery channel are to the automotive industry. I could totally see dentists working for the CIA and putting all kinds of transmitters and bombs and secret compartments in our teeth. Or Nazis like Laurence Olivier in Marathon Man where he keeps drilling Dustin Hoffman's tooth and saying "Is it safe?" It's all just really creepy and weird.

 

Anyway, it did kind of surprise me, especially when I looked down and saw blood. I mean, when you hear the word "crown," you think it sounds so nice, like I'll be in the waiting room and the medical helper lady will stick her head out and say "Are you ready for your crown, Mr. Doolittle?" and then Cinderella will come out and dance with me while birds and squirrels put my clothes on. Or maybe not. But not blood dribbling down my face.

 

It's really strange because no one can stand going to the dentist. We think of drills and that horrible burning smell and all that weird sticky crap they put in our mouths and the big spit-sucking machine that you have to struggle really hard not to bite down on. And pain, pain pain! And yet when we meet dentists socially, it's all "Hey, how you doing?" like there's no stugma attached to it at all. Mothers all want their daughters to marry dentists and orthodontists. It's like we're all happy that they're smart and rich and never consider that they also may be sadistic or work for a secret government project to tag us all so that the aliens won't have any trouble rounding us up when the colonization fleet gets here.

 

On the other hand, it's a good thing you can get rich being a dentist, or else no one would ever do it unless they enjoyed it that much. And that would be really weird. When you take away the money, what's left? Pain, blood, and anesthesia.

 

The same could be said of proctology, though, except it would be all pain, anesthesia, and putting your finger up people's butts.

 

I don't know that I've ever met a proctologist socially, or anyway if I ever did I know that he or she never had a discussion with me about how rewarding they found their work. I know they would have to be all smart and rich and probably able to converse on any number of topics that don't involve fingers or butts, so it's entirely possible that I met one and didn't know it.

 

But proctology does seem to be the one area of the medical profession that has some type of stigma attached to it. You never hear about old women wanting their daughters to meet a nice proctologist and settle down, or hear kids saying "I want to be a proctologist when I grow up, daddy!", or see young hip urban medical shows about maverick proctologists who do things their own way and break all the rules, like "Rick Kinman, Prison Proctologist", or even wholesome family shows like "Albert Jones, Prairie Butt Doctor".

 

I can't imagine wanting to be a proctologist, I mean, for me personally. I can imagine why someone would choose to specialize in that field, although none of the reasons I'm thinking of are good. And even though I've never met one socially, I can't imagine folks flocking around them at parties, or even casually kind of going "How's work going?" or a girl bringing one home and going "Daddy, this is Rick, and he's studying to be a proctologist! Isn't he dreamy?"

 

And if it's a good thing that dentists can get rich (and it so totally is), then it's a doubly good thing that proctologists can. In fact, I would be in favor of federal subsidies to let them get more rich, as long as they also include a rigorous screening process. Because even I am aware that, for me personally, there may come a time when I have to have a doctor put his finger up there, but I just want to be 100% certain that he doesn't like it. In fact, I want him to be just as disgusted as I would be. I want him to go "eeeewwwww" just so that I know he hates it.

 

I wonder, so they ever get embarrased? Like right before they jam it up there are they all, "Sorry, sorry, I'm really really sorry..." Because when I was at the dentist they were all apologizing all over the place and talking to me like I was 7, "This is gonna hurt...this is gonna taste bad...How ya doin', sport? You ok?" As for me personally, when I'm at the dentist and I hear a drill or see a big long sharp hook, I expect a little discomfort. I would rather they all just get it over with then spend all that time apologizing. And I imagine it would be the same way at the proctologist. Not that I've ever been to one.