Season7

Well...bunkies. Let's be honest here, huh? Let me start by saying this: Do you remember, some years ago on those late night cheesy commercials, the one peddling books on psychic phenonmena? There was the story about a guy who was about to get on an airplane, only he gets a premonition of some fiery doom, so he does not get on board. Sure enough, the plane goes down in flames, no survivors. My point? Well, after viewing this episode, I got that same gnawing feeling that the good ship HLOTS was gonna slam the mother of all icebergs and hit bottom faster than the Titanic. I hate it when I am right for the wrong reasons.

This the first episode that we get to meet the two newest members of the squad: Det Rene "Don't hate me because I am beautiful" Shepherd and Mike Gee, aka the estranged son of dear ole Lt. Giardello. Neither of which, might I add, garnered my interest, nor sustained it, for any appreciable length of time. Anyhow, the show starts off with Bayliss coming back after getting shot during the Mahoney fiasco. And the squad room is all nice and pretty....(Can you say Potemkin village?) (Ed. Note - What was the deal with the blue? I heard an interesting little rumor about this at Homicon, apparently Fontana was insisting that the squad room be repainting that interesting shade but I still wanna know why.) And what else do we see? Silly subplot: Oh Golly gee, should Laura ask Paulie to the Lodge dance? Oh wow, look at Mel and Paulie drool over the new girl. (Oh wow, can you say a retread of Saved by the Bell).

The beef of the tale involves the murders of two friends of one Mario Giardello, Gee's cousin, and eventually the killing of said Mario. During the course of the story, Mike Gee returns from Arizona, first for the funerals, then stays on to help solve these killings. Lord, here it is: some deep dark family secret, which Lil' Gee uncovers through someone who was just let out of the pen. Mama mia! And, just like a bad mafia movie, no one knows nothing, so Mario's case goes down as unsolved. The capper of this fine piece of dramatic TV (heavy sarcasm alert): The lodge dance!! I will get to that later.

To me, "La Famiglia" represents, in just one hour, the reason why most Homicide fans loath the last season: Poor writing (which is shocking when you realize that Fontana penned some of the best epis of the series), poor directing, poor acting, with the notable exceptions, poor pacing...(I found the episode wrapped things up too quickly and neatly, there was much more meat to this story, a properly done two episode arc with a potential to get to know more about the mostly private Gee) and most sinful of all, poor characterizations, both of the new guys and our old faves. Bayliss, Munch and Lewis were reduced to caricatures, or worse, tortured incessantly for sport (in the case of Bayliss especially). Yes, we saw it coming, we could not stop it, and that hurts most of all. (Ed. Note - just like a train wreck!)

On a final note, (I promise), I find myself having to comment on the attire of her Woodness and Det. Cupcake. Ok: as for Laura, I found her dress a distressing mixture of Old West Madame meets Victoria's Secret designer on Ectacsy, and that is bound to end up in a disaster. As for Rene,,, Miss "Please-forget-I-was-Miss-Ann-Arundel-County, treat-me-like-the-pro-cop -that-I-am", she shows up in a dress that has more plunge than Niagra Falls. YIKES! (Ed. Note - They should have both taken fashion advice from Terri Stivers, She looked great! But Tim was also having a fashion emergency with that Trotsky visits a turn-of-the-century farm look and somebody get that man dance lessons because that looked like a twitch to me.) (By Mktbtoy)

It’s mid-life crisis time for Stuart Gharty; Stuey and Det. Cupcake catch another stupid one, but with a new twist: their victim is a teenage boy from Baltimore who was shot in DC. Fearing that their parents “will kill them for trying to buy dope in DC,” the kid drives his mortally wounded Bunk back to Charm City where he dies inconveniently. Gee tries to get this stupid case -ooler Mustang 5.0 drop top. The surviving teen may be the dumbest witness since Carver Dooley – Landrewsky, Ballard, Gharty and the witless witness cruise around DC trying to jog the kid’s memory but the only thing that turns up is Stuey’s middle age crazies! He swipes Landrewsky’s shades, starts thinking about Billie Lou and decides to tell the Cupcake that he’s left his wife Flora.( Ed. Note - Cupcake spends epi dribbling drool on Landrewsky but who can blame her, he is HOT stuff) In other Homicidal doings, M Gee puts in for a transfer to the Balto FBI office and Gaffney blabs it around before M Gee can tell his dad…Meldrick and Woody WoodenPost catch the killing of a twin brother and Tim tells Terri that he wants WoodenPost, but she informs him that, sadly, he has Meldrick and Paulie waiting in line ahead of him (Remember Tim-Meldrick-Emma Zoole and her cuffoon???)…oh yeah, and Landrewsky asks for his shades back from Gharty. (by Stevie Dee)

Proof positive that even a writer as brilliant as Overmyer can have a bad day! The newly transferred G-Man M. Gee (say it real fast 5 times heheheh) and Detective Cupcake catch a double-murder at the home of a noted sports doctor and his lovely dermatologist wife . This epi needed an Scriptologist…BTW, did anybody notice anyone missing?? It’s Gharty! He’s taken a personal day…Munch is having personal problems too, in the form of 30,000 dead first presidents owed to the IRS in back taxes… Tim and WooenPost discuss Tim’s…curiosity (Ed. Note - Did anyone notice how "excited" Timmy got at the thought of bi-curious wood?), while Sugar Ray Falsone takes M Gee and Det.Cupcake to see an old cut/corner man who knew the dopey detective from his days in the fight game and is familiar with the doctor. Det. Cupcake watches Paulie strip down and step into the old squared circle to spar a few rounds with the local phenom who beats the snot out of Falsone but Ballard hardly seems to care…and Gharty, you ask?? Why, he has made a G-line to the Waterfront to call on Billie Lou!! (BONUS!!! Of COURSE, Falsone goes into the squad room with his face all ouffy and his nose bent out of shape, but it’s always, “…you should see the other guy”) (by Stevie Dee)

The Tom Clancy references would have only been obvious to his readers-but there are probably about 57 million of ‘em-and they probably were all watching Nash Bridges that night…This one was one of my favorites (a guilty pleasure) and yeah, I know that most of you out there probably did not like it, but hey, it was written by Simon, directed by Clark Johnson and it could have been worse…anyway, this is my review and if you don’t like it, well, hey Bunk, you had your chance to write one for this epi and you didn’t, so nanny nanny boo boo! Go complain to Tom Fontana or something…OK, so Tom Clancy—I mean, L. P. Everett has gone missing-maybe ‘cause he doesn’t want to be found-hell, I don’t know – and his wife has brought a videotape to the Homicide unit—and it is Everett’s “soon-to-be-dying-declaration that his literary agent has had Everett killed…by the time the tape is viewed! Whoo! Talk about your bad reviews!! Gharty and Det. Cupcake are the lucky custodians of this case, which becomes a number one best selling non-fiction red ball when, upon investigation of Everett’s office, the detectives uncover evidence that there really was a crime committed here. Meanwhile, Munchkin and Tim check out the death of an elderly woman who apparently died during a break in of her house, but it looks like she died of natural causes—I mean, this is “Homicide:Life on the Street”, not “Natural Causes: Granny Died in her Sleep” See what I mean about space filler?? All right— so Munch would rather, well…munch on Billie Lou than solve this case but, hey, that’s the way the red ball bounces, or something like that. Meanwhile, Everett’s agent and his henchmen are arrested and Danvers goes ahead even though he does not guarantee a conviction, while Gharty starts flirting with all of L.P. Everett’s universally attractive lady friends; it turns out that Gharty is a natural flirt of sorts, and he wonders how a regular guy like Everett managed to get all of these good–looking women because “tens go with tens and twos go with twos; Everett was a two…” And while we are on the subject of romance, Falsone is making moves on Ballard, finally, but at that very moment, the Everett jury comes back in and it seems that the agent was just a little too sure about something, and one juror observes this little detail and that’s it for the reasonable doubt! L.P. Everett goes up in black…I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT I’LL GUT YA—AND DON’T LOOK FORWARD TO IT (By Stevie Dee)

The kids down on Thames Street are doing a Double-Dutch—if we listen real close, we can hear them laughing out loud and chanting…“ So Ballard-had-a-secret-and-some-one-told! 1…2…3…4…” And now the squad room is full of detectives whose ears are burning with the news that Detective Cupcake has been on a date with Falsone, and boy, is she PISSED! Munch is not pissed, but he is a little stressed with regards to an impending doctor’s appointment and he does not want to talk about it, not no way no how! (can you say, Viagra?) And the grim bearer of bad news, Dr. Griscom is hanging on the telephone, and this is no social call! The Doc is here to announce that the M.E.’s Office is standing room only with the remains of those who have died from phosphozine poisoning. This also attracts the attention of the FBI and they want to take care of business fast, because they consider mass poisonings to be a form of biological warfare, not to mention domestic terrorism, so they have M.Gee at the helm of an instant task force, just add Murder Police! Gharty discovers that one of the poisoned victims was a priest and a couple of his flock died the same way, and shades of Something Sacred! It must be the communion wine!! Soo-ooo, the detectives and uniforms go out on an emergency bottle run from churches all over Charm City and mirable dictu, one bottle turns up with a needle hole in the cork, which leads to a close search of all wine retailers and beverage distributors. By this time, the FBI is having kittens over the possibility that information might get leaked out to the public, and well,…gee, Gee says. “Screw these guys,” and there is a mystery leak, a panic, and a very pissed off M.Gee who immediately suspects his Dad, who does not deny it. As the investigation grinds on, a phosphozine delivery minus one allegedly disposed-of bottle leaves a trail to a previously-interviewed delivery driver who the detectives lock up. (by Stevie Dee) (Ed. Note - She STILL cannot get respect, the geezer that is poisoning folks in Bawlmer treats Shep with no respect either...girly cop)

I’ll tell ya, Bunk—sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed—just ask the guy who let Joe Errico hide out at his place—oh, wait a second Bunk, you can’t ask him because bounty hunter-oops! I meant to say, fugitive recovery specialist Dennis Knoll and his intrepid crew have crashed through the front door, and like a bunch of “me, too”- posting members of a certain message board, they have gone after the wrong guy and now he’s dead. Detectives Falsone and Stivers are the lucky ones who get stuck with this one; they are hardly at the scene for seven seconds and they are both already totally disgusted when they discover they are dealing with bounty hunters who have shot the wrong guy. In front of his wife. In his own house. At least these jerkoffs do a better job of keeping their stories straight than the cops in “Black and Blue” did…still, Both Terri and Paulie ponder shooting them all on general principle alone, and when this motley crew ends up on Thames Street, Gee takes one look and before Knoll can start jabbering his bullshit, sneers down at Knoll and growls, “Bounty hunters…,”as if Knoll was dog shit on his shoe, the contempt in his voice coming through crystal clear. Lo and behold, WoodenPost knows Knoll from her days as a member of the Fugitive Recovery squad- hmmm, you think she got along with Kay Howard? Anyway, one of Knoll’s gang of idiots, P J Johnson, gets the charge and they lock him up in very close proximity to a few of the local gentry, some he may have even personally helped capture! Looks like he may be forming some close personal relationships here, but no! Thankfully, Asshole Number One here makes bail before an hour has passed. In the meantime, while all of this nonsense is going on, Gharty has awakened with the mother of all hangovers after trying to drink every drop of every alcohollic beverage in Fells Point the night before—looking like he has stumbled into the Felton Zone, Stu tries in vain to remember just what in the world he did the night before, but his memory is about as useful as four flat tires on a muddy road in the rain. He can only remember Munch getting pissed at him for telling his Vietnam stories, not to mention the fact that Stuey’s eyes have been creepy-crawling in and out and over and around Billie Lou’s cleavage lately! Meanwhile, Gaffney tells Gee that Baltimore magazine wants to do a feature story on Giardellos Young and Elder. Gee is not amused. Come the dawn of the following day, P J Johnson goes missing-he has jumped bail, and the rest of the bounty hunters join forces with the Murder Police in an effort to get Errico before PJ gets to him first and plugs him like Mikey plugged Luther. Now this is where things become posiiively surreal!! PJ, The Murder Police and most of the bounty hunters, save for one, are all driving around Baltimore like it was Bristol, or at least Talladega, in nice new Chevy Blazers or Suburbans, while M. Gee and Meldrick, along with the other bounty hunter, are chasing after everyone in a Cavalier, with Detective Goodwrench riding shotgun. It turns out that M.Gee is even worse than Meldrick when behind the wheel, and sure enough, the Cavalier T-bones a car with two senior citizens inside. As usual, Meldrick has not buckled up, and just like a crash test dummy, at the moment of impact Meldrick hits the windshield and cracks it with his head, stingy-brim and all! (Ed. Note - I believe that type of vehicular injury is called a Roadmap Injury because your head ends up with enough strange cuts and bruises that you look like a topographical map of the area.) PJ Johnson, ironically, stops to help at the scene while Errico heads toward I-95 south. (By Stevie Dee)

Meldrick lands in the hospital once they remove his face and stingy brim from the dashboard of the Cavalier, along with the unfortunate passenger that was riding in the other car, who does not survive. Both Gees say “screw you!” to the Knoll Krew, but Knoll really does have a Master’s in Psychology, and he knows he is the only one who can get through to Errico’s Mom, who is the only person that knows where her son is, and Knoll plays her like a whorehouse piano! Here’s the thing—Errico has made tracks for Miami. Knoll, being the magnanimous fellow that he is (better than monogamous…), offers to spring for the Murder Police’s travel expenses but Gee says no way-no day, and sends Tim and M.Gee down there by themselves. After a hard day of breast implant surveillance in the Miami sunshine with the tropical breezes, the bounty hunters and the Murder Police get their man and it’s back to Charm City to split up the bounty, but the detectives want no part of this and upon discovery that the wife of the man driving the car that he drove into died of her injuries, M. Gee decides to try and offer solace to the husband, who sees him approaching and turns off the porch light from inside the house. M. Gee sighs and takes a long look up at the house, now dark and quiet. He places the detectives’ share of the bounty in the husband’s mailbox and leaves quietly. As far as the small shit is concerned, Gharty has been going out of his small mind because of his impending meetings with Flora and the divorce lawyers…nothing here that’s any different than the Big Man dealt with, but what can you say? Sometimes those two-parters had more space filler than they needed (By Stevie Dee) (Ed. Note - I would have loved to have asked the wardrobe dept what was in their minds this season. First the atrocity of the invasion of the ugly outfits at the lodge dance, Bayliss, Sheppard and Ballard and then in this episode they trick out Timmy in the silliest of the silly tropical shirts. I know the heat does strange things to the mind but that shirt made my eyeballs itch.)

The beginning of this episode has my boy Mikey taking photographs of man doing the horizontal mambo with a woman not his wife. Interspersed with this is a scene where Falsone and Stivers are working a murder in a crack house. Bunks, this is when I had my epiphany: That this story arc was setting itself up to be a Falsone as a hero, Kellerman as a zero scenario: Falsone intones that he now knows "We work for God." (A note here that this line coming from Paulie's mouth annoyed me the first time. Then I saw "Gone for Goode" and heard Kay utter "Homicide. We work for God." When she said it, it reminded me of seasoned detectives making a flip off the cuff remark: when he says it, it sounds like some arrogant Joisey boy convincing himself of his superiority).

Later, Paul and Terri pull up on a suspicious death scene. A body of a newborn baby boy is found buried. The detectives find out that a young couple rented the room: the girl, Debbie Straub, used her credit card. Debbie's boyfriend, Craig Halpern, is also found and questioned. Both claim that the baby was stillborn. The autopsy reveals differently: The baby had drawn a breath, and the cause of death was asphyxiation.

Here is where this story gets bizarre and yields more proof for my theory: Kellerman is hired by Debbie's parents to conduct his own investigation for her defense team. Exhibit A: Kellerman is questioning Debbie, and even I, who am not known for possessing a keen eye, noticed that her reaction to the baby's death was a bit under whelming. Yes, I have given birth, and I know all about post partum depression. This was not a case of post partum depression: She flat out was more interested in staying with her boyfriend than with the fact her son was dead. So let me see: this is, I presume, the same Mike Kellerman, whom, in his first go-round in a Homicide investigation, got a perp to confess by bluffing him: a perp that Frank Pembelton could not break, and NOW he is too dumb to notice this girl's reaction? I realize that people change when their lives are thrown off the track: This bunkies was just lazy characterization, or erasing prior characterization to drive a plot.

Exhibit B: Kellerman goes to the squad room, hoping that Falsone would help him out in the investigation. Three guesses on the answer and the first twelve don't count. While Mike is talking to Gee in his office, the former cop's old colleagues decide to knock him down.

Gee tells Mike nada, and then the good lieutenant warns Stivers and the False one NOT to give any information to Mike. Meanwhile, Mike catches sight of Rene outside of Jimmy's. He invites her for a beer, trying to pump information on the case from her. Exhibit C: Mike puts his hand on her back. OK, Mike is a flirt, but he knew when to draw the line.

Eventually this mess goes to the Grand Jury. Mike tries to get Debbie's parent to persuade their daughter to cut a deal that convicts Craig of the murder. She won't, so he suggests that they not post bail, let the girl get a taste of jail so she'll turn the boyfriend over. Sure enough, the kids stick to their version of events. The grand jury convicts, so off to jail they go. It is Debbie that breaks, phoning her parents that Craig killed "IT".(by Mktbtoy)

Written by Dr Devilbliss from a story by Overmyer and Fontana. (“get three cuffoons ready…”) Little tortured Debbie has plea bargained and given up Craig as the one who killed the baby. Well, what can you say about someone who refers to her baby as IT?? Does anybody care that Craig, the one that stood by Debbie no matter what, will refuse to testify on his own behalf because he is sure that Debbie will do the right thing? Danvers goes to trial with star witness Debbie, who lies like a freaking rug under oath that Craig killed the baby. Since there is no reasonable doubt here, the jury brings Craig in guilty. In a rare moment of reflection, Paul Falsone talks to Craig with regards to what really went on that night at the motel. (Ed. Note - I have to admit, as much as I disliked Falsoney, this was one of his rare good moments on the show.) Unfortunately, Craig can see no redemption or solace awaiting him, and he commits suicide in his holding cell. Apparently, it turns out that someone did care after all though. Someone has provided Paul with taped telephone messages from Debbie to Craig. Someone has decided that, yeah, the truth still does mean more than his paycheck. Only trouble is, this info was just too late in arriving, and Danvers can do nothing with it. There is a rather ludicrous rapproachment between Mike and Falsone that does not ring true by any stretch of the imagination, (Ed. Note-or by any amount of booze) and the end you just want to take Fontana and…well, I’m sure you get the idea (by Stevie Dee)

An interesting look at racism and intolerance, courtesy of Gharty and M. Gee, and in my not-so-humble-opinion, Meldrick Lewis’ finest moment. A white bus driver is distracted by the sounds of duelling boomboxes and a female Jamaican pedestrian is hit by the bus. This sets off a riot and the bus driver is stomped to death. However, there is another body not too far away—a black man. Gharty and M. Gee investigate the death of the driver, while Meldrick and WoodenPost will speak for the other victim. While going over the crime scene, lookie, lookie! Meldrick finds a button which turns out to be torn from a Balto City Police uniform. Gharty shows the burning crosses and hooded sheets in his eyes by loudly proclaiming that the riot and the driver’s death were racially motivated, which sets off M. Gee like a red flag in front of a bull. He believes that something else was behind the violence, and he makes his point to Stuey rather forcefully. Meanwhile, while Meldrick is covering the back of a house, Sheppard goes in the front and is overrun by two men; she has the WoodenPost death grip on one while on the receiving end of a brutal beating, but she loses her Glock! (Ed. Note - I was impressed by that death grip, not sure I woulda hung on like that while someone was kicking my face in. One of the few times I think Sheppard actually did the right thing.) Meldrick is not having this, no way! Det. Cupcake is summoned back to Baltimore from Seattle. She joins Meldrick and Tim on a little trip to Little Jamaica, where Meldrick steps up to the mic and proclaims, “That gun comes BACK! To ME!! TONIGHT, or you can tell your crew that MY crew is gonna come down here and give you a real reason to riot!!” Sheppard’s witness rolls over on the shooter, while the men who killed the driver are also fingered. The woman who was hit by the bus had just arrived from Jamaica, where traffic travels in the opposite directions from the USA. She had stepped off the sidewalk without looking and the bus driver never saw her. Oh, and that gun came back. To Meldrick (By Stevie Dee)

They didn’t exactly pave paradise, but they did put up a parking lot, there’s a body underneath it and Munch and Meldrick have to find it. Well actually, the epi starts out with a body being unearthed at a construction site, having been there anywhere from 6 to 20 years. Meldrick and Munch have to solve this one, too. However, the big story here is Falsone and Ballard, who cannot keep their hands off one another, and now they are starting to get really annnoying, not to mention they are pissing Gee off big time! In fact, Gee flat-out tells them to hit the “no-nookie” zone or else!! Meanwhile, WoodenPost returns to Thames Street expecting the keys to a Cavalier, but Gee benches her, or more accurately, desks her; she is on light duty for now. Munch, Meldrick, M.Gee (lots of “M”-people, huh?) and Griscom join forces and identify the body so they can finally get down to detective work. While all this murder Police work is going on, Gharty is putting the moves on Billie Lou; he wants to see her play her cello while topless. (Ed. Note - I wanted to see that too because Billie Lou wasn't exactly flat-chested and I kept imagining various bizarre scenarios with her geting her "parts" caught in the strings or accidentally bowing them. Ouch!) Falsone and Ballard reluctantly agree to put the horizontal mambo on hold (for now, but we know better, huh) (by Stevie Dee)

One of the few episodes of the last two seasons that was really well-done - Here we have a little glimpse behind the rumpled, weary exterior and haunted eyes of Stuart Gharty; his character was another late-season replacement, but unlike Laura “Det. Cupcake” Ballard, Renee “WoodenPost” Sheppard and Paul Falsone, Stuart Gharty—not exactly a Frank Pembleton in the Box, not as brave in the streets as Meldrick Lewis and certainly not as intelligent as Tim Bayliss—was much more believable, complex and as a result, ultimately more “real” than the other replacements. Gharty is a Vietnam veteran, and in this episode, we experience one of his flashbacks. Meanwhile, Renee Sheppard returns to active duty after recovering from the beatdown she endured in “Shades of Grey,” but her partner Meldrick betrays her by switching cases with Falsone, which WoodenPost figures out eventually and then she confronts Meldrick…M. Gee and Munch have a mystery hit and run victim who is in posession of a Ka-Bar fighting knife, or something similar (Ed. Note - lest we forget he also had some of those good eats, Dinty Moore Beef Stew too) , which Gharty happens to recognize from his Vietnam days. Munch seems skeptical (to say the least) of Gharty’s war stories, and when he yanks the victim’s Department of Defense file, just for shits and grins, he pulls Gharty’s file as well, discovering that Stu had a dishonorable discharge from military service, and duly spreads doubt about Gharty”s past among the rest of the detectives; soon, even Ballard is a disbeliever. Remember, Munch and Gharty have a little confrontational history here—Gharty admitted to being a bully at the end of “Full Court Press,” almost getting an ashtray across the forehead for his trouble, courtesy of John Munch, Murder Police/victim of schoolyard bullies—and Gharty finally spills his guts to the detectives at the Waterfront. He was court-martialed for refusing to take part in a My Lai-style massacre, and dishonorably discharged as a result. Upon learning this, Munch immediately shows compassion to Gharty, which is acknowledged. The music used at the beginning of the episode—“Baby, Please Don’t Go,” by Them, featuring the very young Van Morrison, pretty much sets the episode’s jarring, abrasive tone, and Det. Cupcake does look kinda cute in fatigues and helmet…(Ed. Note - Cut that out Stevie! There is no Perversion Palace for Det. Cupcake nearby!) (By Stevie Dee)

Internet Thrills, Chills and Heebee Jeebees! Someone is faking a murder online, or is it real? Well, Bunk, they can’t all be slam dunkers now, can they? At any rate, WoodenPost takes the call and she needs a partner, since Meldrick has conveniently slipped outside onto Thames Street, maybe to buy a new stingy brim (Ed. Note - but I doubt it since such untrendy attire is not allowed in the Faux Ho atmosphere of Fells Point)since he gave his bulletholed one to Sheppard…who ends up the primary partnered with…Bayliss because the case has turned out to be for real, and the detectives on the second shift knew the victim as a witness they had interviewed the previous day. Then another call comes in, telling the detectives that another murder will be “featured online tonight”—in other words, here comes a Red Ball! Both shifts work like crazy to put something together that will play out, but no luck—they keep getting “nanny nanny boo boo” messages from the killer, which makes Barnfather want to have WoodenPost replaced by Tim as primary. The killer taunts the detectives one more time, but now they are being directed to inplainsite.com, Tim’s website, where the killer says the next victim will be revealed. WoodenPost offers herself up as cyberlumbe—er, bait to catch the killer. He calls in at the beginning of his little Web production, but this time the detectives are ready and waiting for him, the signal of his cell phone is traced and he is apprehended and locked up. His name is Luke Ryland…(By Stevie Dee) (Ed. Note - At the time this episode was originally aired I seem to remember reading an interview with the actors involved all saying that none of them were quite as computer literate as their characters were. It was pretty cool that they featured the NBC Homicide BBS at the time, Cyberslash, in the episode. Cyberslash and Plastic are long gone but NBC neglected to take down Tim's site even if the Tara Greenwood game no longer works, it's at www.inplainsite.com )

Now here’s an odd little episode:Tim and the ever eager Detective Cupcake get the call that leads them to a woman’s body at the bottom of a forty-foot cliff, thus presenting that original detective’s quandry—did she jump or was she pushed? (Ed. Note - and why do we care?) While all this silliness is going on, WoodenPost and M. Gee are called out to a movie house where the lights go up and there is one patron that liked the show so much he wants to stay around. Forever! Because he’s dead!! Turns out that this guy was about an “8” on the Roger Fisk Irritation Scale of 1 to 10 and so the owner of the theater, who just happened to be deep in litigation with the victim, gave him a little something extra in his Sleepytime Tea, and it showed up in the bloodstream, courtesy of the ever so lovely Dr. Kalyani. The movie lover in the arms of Morpheus goes on the board in black, but Tim and Laura’s case stays red…( by Stevie Dee)

This is a rather complicated episode, being the conclusion of a Law & Order crossover arc. Federal skullduggery between New York City and Baltimore is the word here, with the FBI thrown in for good measure. Danvers is about to be appointed as a Judge to the District Court of the State of Maryland. Meanwhile, the Janine McBride murder investigation is grinding away in New York, but the prime suspect, Chesley Purcell, has been killed as well, and that slippery gunsel is under the umbrella of Federal protection. Confused? It gets worse! Why was Chesley Purcell killed? What was her link to Washington DC? Did Luther lower the gun? (just kidding) Then it gets positively unreal—M. Gee asks to be left out of the Balto side of the investigation to secure against more leaks, which the FBI seems to be taking advantage of quite a bit lately, and Danvers finesses an order allowing himself and NY Assistant DA Jack McCoy to be present at the questioning of Burks, but they don’t get anything they can really use. Still not confused?? OK, In the middle of all this nonsense, Munch and WoodenPost interrogate the man that put the hit on Janine McBride, a Walter Boyce, who arranged the hit from inside prison. Meldrick is starting to be a real horse’s ass regarding WoodenPost’s “ability to do her duty on the killing streets,” while Stivers starts in with her “I wanna get right with (fill in the blanks)” bullshit, this time regarding the WoodenPost Beatdown. Really relevant, considering Stivers wasn’t even there…It seems that Boyce is in line for some sort of reward for setting up McBride and Danvers asks the judge to not let this happen. Still not confused??? OK, Bunk, here’s how it shakes out: McBride was going to be a witness in an investigation by an Independent Counsel who just happens to have some dirt on Danvers when Ed was a wild youth, Danvers says “Screw You” to the Independent Counsel, who ends up getting all he needs to keep his own investigation going, Danvers will most likely lose his shot at a seat on the bench and Briscoe, Curtis, McCoy and Munch get plastered at the Waterfront (Ed. Note - and for an extra special bonus we get to watch WoodPost stumbling about in a drunken stupor most unconvincingly!). Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed, huh? (by Stevie Dee)

This is the episode in which Falsone is asked by a young woman to investigate a murder closed by the very young Gee in 1972, because her parents have always blames her for the death of her younger brother, and she just doesn’t believe her parents’ story. But the big deal here is the victim waiting for Tim and Det. Cupcake, who was shot after dying from an OD, but what makes it a really big deal is the meeting of Tim Bayliss and Sgt. Roger Fisk—that’s right, folks—the infamous Sgt, Screaming Bitch, who claimed to have spotted Tim on his “gay-dar,” had a dinner date with him and then treated him like detritus because he had “heard the word” about Tim’s website, “In Plain Site,” and feared being outed. Fair enough, but this guy was a real jackass and Tim deserved better. Tim ends up pondering celibacy while Det. Cupcake and Falsone are stilll trying to keep their relationship a secret, but the odds look bad. Hey, there ain’t no future in fronting, kids! (by Stevie Dee)

A Buddhist monk is brutally murdered; Munch agrees to partner with Meldrick even though Munch considers the case to “more like Bayliss’ cup of green tea”—it seems that Meldrick fears that Tim will become too “emotionally involved,” but Gee ends up asking Tim to help with the case anyway, which Munch is only too happy to let him do. In fact, Munch lets Tim take over his place in the investigation. Tim finds the killer, a homeless fellow “who can get his own damn spoon,” but ends up in a Charm City standoff with him in an abandoned building with only one possible outcome—this guy definitely does not lower the gun and Tim takes him out, which leads to Tim questioning the yin/yang of being a Buddhist/murder police—remember, this is the Zen Detective here. As far as the mundane stuff goes, Detective Cupcake and Falsone agree to take cold showers (separately [Ed. Note - Thank You God!]), while Gharty has a murder with three eyewitnesses who tell three different stories (Ed. Note -Ripped off idea from the film, "Rashomon", is everything in life derivative?) .

Now here’s something completely different. How so, you ask? Well, for starters, check out who wrote it (Kotto) and who came up with the story (Overmyer and Simon) ; what’s missing?? That’s right, Fontana!! This is the one where the victim is found dead in bed, no signs of a struggle with, as Terri Stivers puts it, “…five hot ones in him.” It becomes a wee bit complicated from here—the woman that plugged him (again and again) is ex-wife Eleanor Burke, assistant U.S. Attorney and she’s going to plead self defense on the grounds that she was a battered wife, hence Battered Spouse Syndrome. Unfortunately, the judge, an old Bunk of Gee’s, decides that Danvers is not going her after her aggressively enough, so, he decides to “speak for the deceased” here (must have been watching those stupid commercials for Brooklyn Homicide North Squad, huh), and sets the bail ridiculously high, after which Danvers asks Gee to see if he can have a little influence. Gee comprehends the big picture here, and speaks to the judge. Now, here’s where it all goes South, so to speak. Col. Barnfather has notified Gee of an impending promotion that can be his, no strings attached, and Gee’s stand with the judge here really takes the activator out of Barnfather’s Jheri curl, and to make matters worse, M. Gee has been holding back damaging evidence against Eleanor Burke under pressure from TPTB (don’t you just hate it when that happens?) in light of his Dad’s upcoming promotion, and Eleanor is now looking at murder in the 2^{nd
degree. Oh, and Falsone is sniffing after Det. Cupcake’s duckpins, Gharty ties
a big one on during his “mental health day” at the Waterfront while mooning
over (and eventually proposing) to Billie Lou and Meldrick wriggles out
of working a murder with post-beatdown WoodenPost after Renee accuses Meldrick
of “being afraid to work with her.” (By Stevie Dee)}

Here we have the infamous “Nose” episode; Meldrick and the False One investigate the murder of a man killed while barbecuing-guess what the garnish is! Naturally, Falsone sticks his nose in, but this time the little weasel smells a RAT. He questions the neighbors and finds one particular family’s answers to be a little more pat than expected-in fact, their whole story stinks! And why not? Falsone discovers that they are rats, living in the Federal Witness Protection Program! M. Gee checks out the story for Falsone and finds out that the story is true-but he has also unknowingly betrayed himself to the Baltimore City Police as the Liaison officer between them and the FBI, where M. Gee is still a field agent. Oh, yeah, Det.Cupcake and Gharty catch transvestite who killed a bartender, Munch and Tim get a victim with no crime scene and the Morgue has dying room only! Meanwhile, the Rat family is all set to go to a new Federal rat’s nest when Meldrick and Paulie swoop in and scoop up the chef!-Hey, no skin off their noses (By Stevie Dee)

This one was a definite “why bother?” episode; Hostage situation, kids’ lives in jeopardy, marital troubles, white-man-seeing-a-black-man-and-wondering-how-in-the-hell-can-his-name-be-Giardello, restless Quick Response Team with itchy trigger fingers, remorseful Dad-this all adds up to “Sniper + Hostage + In Search Of Crimes Past”-only good things here are M. Gee and Gharty, both taking charge of a life-or-sudden death situation from the QRT. Unfortunately, the results are all too predictable and the ending is totally gratuitous. Like I said, Why bother? (By Stevie Dee)

This was a well-intended but ultimately ridiculous episode; WoodenPost and Det. Cupcake investigate the murder of a teenage female gangbanger-only problem is that not only do the two detectives have no clue as to gang activity, they both look scared as they go into the “hood.” They would have a hard time scaring the Taco Bell Chihuahua-if they needed a female team, why not replace one of them with Stivers, for goodness sake…Bille Lou has a problem with an ex-boyfriend who won’t let go, so she gets Munch to lean on the guy a little, which he is quite happy to do for her. Seems that Billie Lou has insisted on celibacy until their wedding night and all that energy needs some kind of release-needless to say, Munch comes on rather strong. The boyfriend thusly goes down to the Waterfront and bashes Billie Lou’s head on the bar, raising a welt on her forehead. Billie Lou now wants to delay the weeding until the swelling goes down-three more weeks of celibacy for Munch! WoodenPost claims that Meldrick has to deal with her, personal problem or not. (By Stevie Dee)

Well, this could have been Fontana’s Redemption; instead it became Homicide’s swan song. The show was being cancelled and that was that. Still, FOTS was a great episode. Why? Det. Cupcake and Gharty are pretty much out of the way with very few lines to speak, Falsone keeps the mumbling to a minimum and the focus shifts back onto Bayliss, as the trial of Internet killer Luke Ryland is about to begin. Bayliss and WoodenPost are waiting in court for Danvers to show up and gut Ryland. Danvers misses the court appointment and Ryland is freed on a technicality; Bayliss blows it bigtime, finds Danvers and shoves him over a stairway rail. Gee asks Bayliss to apologize to Danvers-oh yeah, right…Gee is about to be promoted to Captain, but he will have to leave Homicide because the vacancy he is to fill is in the Property Crimes division, which he turns down (tough choice…), “waiting” three weeks for Billie Lou has made Munch the “sixty-second man” on thier wedding night… Meldrick, fresh from dealing with a misinformed nun who believes her murderous drug-addicted brother to be an architect, re-evaluates his hard-line stance regarding working with WoodenPost after her beatdown…Bayliss appears to be tying up loose ends; he apologizes to Danvers-apology accepted-and goes to warn Ryland that he will always be watching him. Ryland tells Bayliss that he will be leaving soon for New Orleans, but that Tim can always catch him on the Internet. Tim also finds Munch and tells him that he had always suspected Munch of killing Gordon Pratt (found minus half of his head at the end of “End Game”) and then goes to the Homicide unit to clear out his desk. This leads to one of the best TV flashback montages ever filmed; seven years of Homicide from the POV of Tim Bayliss…who then smiles to himself at the memories, and leaves without being seen…a call comes into the unit; another night shift, another body-Meldrick goes out on the call with WoodenPost as his partner. The victim is Luke Ryland. Meldrick closes out the episode with almost the same dialogue spoken between himself and Steve Crosetti at the beginning of “Gone for Goode” This episode is better than almost anything else in the last two seasons (By Stevie Dee)