As he continued to bait her, all the calm, loving resolve that she had managed to maintain throughout the evening finally shattered--as it had so many times before... I've worked and worked to try and understand him, allow for his problems... But every time I think I have my feelings all sorted out, every time I think I've managed to find a way to accommodate all his disgusting behavior...he comes at me again with something new...something that pushes me right over the edge... Bleak despair twisted around her mind like a suffocating, black shroud... I just can't win with you, Todd... You won't let me... You never let up with this crap... You make me want to hate you... Sometimes, I do hate you... I really hate you...!

Momentarily she went under, lost in the depths of her disappointment and rage again. The sickening memory from her childhood returned unbidden. A phantom pain tore at her gut, sending waves of nausea through her. She wanted to scream, to fight hysterically with him...

Téa...! She cried out to herself frantically... Stop...stop this right now...! Slowly, painfully, she struggled back up, fighting for control--for calm, forcing the ugly memories away... No...no... don't go there... That won't help now... That was a long, long time ago... The past is past... This is not the same...

Suddenly, in the midst of all her anger and disillusionment, Téa realized the significance of what she was thinking... Wait... that's true... It's not the same... She began to search her mind frantically, amazed that she had never made the obvious connection before... Maybe that's just it... that's the stumbling block of this whole damn relationship for me...the reason Todd makes me so crazy... I've been looking at him too superficially...refusing to see who he really is...just seeing what I wanted to see...seeing Jason all over again...

As she watched the man that she loved gloat over her discomfort, her helplessness, a horrible doubt began to creep disconcertingly into her consciousness... What the hell have I been doing...? Have I let my own personal baggage distort my thinking...? She cast about in her memory, trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together logically, trying to get a clear fix on things... Intellectually, I've always known Todd was deeply troubled, a tortured soul--a person that can't be expected to behave normally in most cases... that's a large part of what intrigues me about him... But emotionally... She faltered, her lawyer's mind suddenly grasping the critical truth that had been obscured by all her rationalizations... Emotionally, I've been in total denial about his true nature... I've been ignoring everything I know about him...actually expecting him to be normal...to behave... And when he messes up, I lose it and lash out...because he reminds me of Jason...

She looked back over the course of their relationship, searching for shreds of evidence among the ruins... On a gut level, I've insisted on seeing him merely as a bad boy, like Jason, who needed to shape up if he wanted me... It was easier that way...it gave me a sense of control over him... But, in my head...in my head I knew that it wasn't true... I knew Todd was a thousand times more complex than that--than Jason ever was... Bad boy doesn't even begin to cover Todd Manning...and shaping up is an absurd over-simplification where he's concerned...

“What's the matter, babe...?” he asked, taking note of her intense concentration. “Starting to get the whole picture now?” He had stopped laughing, but continued to smile at her as he gently stroked her body, sliding his hand over her satiny skin as if he were caressing a beloved pet. “You're really something, you know that?” he said softly, gazing down the length of her torso admiringly. He touched her left nipple, running his fingertip around the outside edge lightly, watching it harden in response. “So beautiful...soft,” he murmured, covering the entire breast with his hand, squeezing her possessively. He lowered his face to nuzzle her cheek, then whispered softly into her ear. “You smell incredible...and you taste...so...” He paused to tongue kiss her neck, moving around the edge of her jaw to her mouth. “You taste...so sweet...so warm, delicious...” He licked his lips suggestively, sliding his hand down between her legs, rubbing her gently...

“You liked it, Delgado...admit it...” he breathed, moving his face close, almost touching her mouth. “You liked my tongue inside of you.” He kissed her bottom lip, biting her gently. “But that's not what you really want...is it, baby?” he continued, nuzzling her face again. “No...you want a lot more than that... I know you do.” He squeezed his pelvis against her, grinding his rigid penis into her thigh. “And you don't really give a shit who puts it to you either...do you, sweetness...? Just as long as you finally get it...right?” Chuckling maliciously, he searched her face in the glow of the flickering candlelight. “Don't worry, Delgado,” he whispered softly... “I'm gonna give it to you...”

An icy tremor snaked down Téa's spine, while a warm flush simultaneously coursed through her pelvis. Her physical reactions to him were maddeningly complex, conflicted. She tried to ignore his voice, his touch, but it wasn't easy--especially when he was so overpoweringly in control and so irritatingly accurate in his assessment of her. She wet her lips and swallowed, trying to breathe normally, to relax, to think clearly... All this time I've been refusing to deal with him or myself honestly... I've gotten so completely caught up in this vicious, never ending game that he plays...that I didn't even realize my part in it...how my own past was figuring into the equation... God! I'm amazed at my own stupidity...

Recovering her composure, she studied him as he continued to play with her like a cat enjoying a freshly caught mouse... This is not just a bad boy. He's twisted and mangled--this is the darkest part of Todd's soul... I've got to stop looking at this part of him as something alien, unacceptable--that needs to be eradicated, or whipped into line--and start dealing with him as a... a person...as a fundamental part of Todd... I can't underestimate him...or wish him away... How I deal with him is critical...

“You've played your last trick on Todd, princess,” he continued, still stroking her gently--using his softest, most seductive voice. “No more leading him on, making promises--then stabbing him in the back.” He laughed softly at her again, tracing the outline of her upper lip with his fingertip. “I'm gonna treat you the way he should have treated you from the start...” he continued, hostility seeping into his voice... “I'm gonna make you pay for all the times you demanded things...and then ran when he tried to give them to you... You're gonna pay for every snide remark, every trick, every faked seduction, every ultimatum, every promise, every betrayal--every time you pushed, and pushed, and pushed...” His hand slid to her throat again, squeezing down tightly. “He should have thrown your arrogant little ass over the nearest chair and given you what you deserved a long time ago...” he snarled viciously. “But he couldn't do that... No, he couldn't give in to that... But I can, Téa...” His hand slipped up to grip her jaw painfully. “...I can...”

Visibly working to calm himself, he forced his face to relax into an easy smile. Releasing her jaw, he began to smooth the stray hairs back from her face tenderly. “It's time to ‘fess up now, Téa,” he taunted. “It's time to admit that you're the conniving, lying little whore I always knew you were... It's time for you to own up to it and reap your reward...to finally get what's coming to you,” he said quietly, caressing her cheek with the back of his hand. “Yeah, Delgado,” he murmured. “You're not fooling me, I know what you are...and I'm about to see to it that you get everything you deserve...and more...”

Finally, in her heart, she knew the inescapable truth. She had been dealing with him on two distinctly different levels in her own mind all along--broadcasting mixed messages just as hurtful to him as his manipulations and deceits were to her... No wonder we've been so damn miserable... We confuse and hurt each other again and again...always making promises, then disappointing each other... We're so twisted up in this game together that we don't know which end is up anymore... You were right, Todd... She acknowledged sadly, looking up at his beautiful, smiling face... We really are made for each other...perfectly matched to torment each other endlessly...

Téa realized that it was time for her to sort out her own issues--to be brutally honest. It was time to deal with all the ugly, hidden truths about Todd--and herself--once and for all... I've got to come to terms with him--all of him, or we haven't got a prayer of surviving this... I've been claiming that I love him completely all evening... Saying that I understand him, that I want to stop hurting him...stop playing games... But now, I've got to mean it... It's got to be real this time, not just intellectual lip service...

She stopped listening to him and looked deep within, trying to be totally realistic for once... How do you really feel... Be honest, Téa... Do you really love Todd--the real Todd--or just the illusion of who you would like him to be...? Can you forget about your past experiences...? Can you give yourself to him completely...? Can you accept what that entails--all the violence, the sickness...? Can you really love all of him...even this cruel, dark creature...?

Turning her attention from herself back to him, she started to appraise him thoughtfully... This is not really a monster...she analyzed, trying to get beyond the malevolence, the sarcasm, and the petty nastiness that he cloaked himself in so expertly... This is the core of Todd's misery...and mine... This is where all the problems are... This “Pete” creature is the source... Somehow, I've got to get inside him...get to the bottom of all this pain and horror and...and what...? That question stopped her cold... What the hell am I going to do then...?

Seeing her expression change minutely, he stopped smiling and focused his attention on her. “Well, what do you want to do now, Delgado... hmmm? I'm not in any rush...” He pushed more stray strands of her hair back, running his palm lightly across her forehead. “As Todd said, we've got all night. We can do a little of this...” he said softly, nibbling her earlobe. “And we could do a little of that,” he murmured as he licked the base of her throat and bit her gently, his hand caressing between her legs again. “I'm open for business, babe--just tell me what you're dreaming of...” he sighed deeply, smiling down at her, gently stroking her inner thigh “...and I'll twist it all up into a pretty nightmare for you...”

Manipulation is definitely out of the question... Téa thought, working to ignore his baiting, carefully masking her emotions... Trying to outsmart him is ludicrous... No...no, it's time to stop playing this game once and for all... It's time for reality... She felt the soft touch of his lips against her ear, her neck. It was all she could do to lie still and not respond. She still wanted to love him, to be loved by him, in spite of his threatening demeanor...

Is all this nastiness real...? she wondered, forcing her attention away from his soft lips... Or is it primarily just posturing...designed to terrify me...? Think, Téa... What's really going on here...? She tried to focus on figuring him out... He comes out to hurt, to ruin everything for himself. He's not really a protector--he's a saboteur... He may have originally been created as a barrier against inconceivable pain, but at some point he became the disintegrator--the one who punishes, disrupts...the one who makes sure that Todd always screws up, never gets it right--never has a moments peace...

New anger flared in Téa's soul... I'm so sick of this... He strikes out and torments others... But it's only a premeditated attempt to crucify himself... She tried to read his eyes as he glanced down at her, but he shifted his gaze too swiftly... That's it... that's what this is all about... He's so hell bent on self-torture...and his victims have always played right into his hands... They're just the tools he uses... Helpless accessories to all his crimes of masochism...unwilling participants in the never ending self-mutilation and punishment of Todd Manning...

Trying to picture his inner mind, she closed her eyes in pain... That's all he knows... That's how he lives... Dangling happiness in front of himself, but being careful to chop himself off at the knees right before he can get to it--and neatly slicing up everyone else that gets near him in the process... His life is one long, neatly planned and executed set up--to perpetuate his own endless, agonized suffering...

As he paused and smiled down at her, she felt a rebellious impulse to do something just to rattle him, knock him off guard--anything to shut him up and allow her a moment of control. Quickly, before he could grab her, she grasped his face in her hands and pulled him down. He tried to draw back, but too late. She rose up to meet him and planted her lips against his, kissing him solidly, passionately--with all the intensity she could muster...

Momentarily he hesitated, surprised. He automatically responded to her embrace, sinking into the kiss--then pulled away angrily. He ripped her hands off of his face and pushed them down against the pillow. “Bitch,” he snarled. “Don't pull that shit with me!” He lifted his hand, as if to strike her, but never carried through--letting it drop slowly to the bed again beside her shoulder...

“Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this...” His face softened back into a smile, as he managed to regain control. “It'll be fun to watch you squirm, watch you sweat,” he continued calmly. He ran his finger across her bottom lip. “You want a kiss? Sure babe, I'll kiss you.” His voice dropped, becoming soft and sensuously evil. “I'm going to do lots of sweet, sweet little things to you...things that you've never even thought of.” He kissed the corner of her mouth gently...

Téa felt a tremor ripple through his body, felt the warm wetness as his cock pulsed against her leg again. “I know you, Téa... I've watched you for a long time... I know what you deserve...and I know how to give it to you...” he said softly. “I'm gonna play with you easy...and then I'm gonna play with you hard...” He kissed the other corner of her mouth, lingering there to touch her with his tongue. “I'm gonna turn you inside out again and again--until you can't stand it...until you're coming out of your skin...until you're begging me to stop...”

She felt his body start to tremble slightly. “That's the magic moment, princess--when you start begging for mercy...” He softly kissed her upper lip, then slid his face down close to her ear. “That's when the real fun begins, Téa...” he whispered. “That's when I get mine...at the end... When I start losing control and have to get a little...rough...”

He kissed her temple slowly, tenderly. “Don't worry, baby... I'll try real hard not to be messy about it... I won't hurt you more than you deserve... I promise... And, and when you feel things starting to...to come apart... When you feel those screams rising up in your throat... I'll be right there with you... You can hold on to my hand... You can squeeze it just as hard as you need to...” he teased, biting her neck gently. “I'm gonna take care of you princess... I'm gonna take care of you real good” he hissed sarcastically. “Wait until we're through, Delgado...then let's see if you still want to kiss me...”

“Such sweet, sweet names you come up with,” she purred back at him, breaking her long silence, ready to engage in the final, desperate battle for their relationship... She fought to ignore her gut reaction to his chilling threats, to appear outwardly calm. “Bitch? Whore? So nice, so flattering... But, let's see... I think you've forgotten something...the most important one of all...wife. Now, there's a word for you--remember that one?” Her voice grew husky with anger. “I'm your wife, Todd--Pete--whoever the hell you are. You're married to this whore, remember...? Oh...but you are right about one thing... I am a bitch...and this bitch is getting damn tired of playing this sick game with you...!”

“Oh, so this is a game... that's what you think, Delgado...?” His hand moved to her throat, but he didn't squeeze down. “You think I'm just playing with you?” He lifted with startling speed, and lurched heavily back on top of her. He paused, his face poised above hers menacingly, one hand gripping the side of her face. His thumb gently traced the curve of her cheekbone as he gazed into her eyes for a moment. “Well...let's play then...” he growled venomously, an almost imperceptible twitch in his upper lip betraying his suppressed anger. Pushing her hands down tightly against the pillow, he began to kiss the side of her face and her neck roughly...

The air was forced from her lungs, but Téa recovered quickly, focusing herself on staying calm--keeping her wits about her... Don't panic... Remember, this is your husband...this is still the man that you love... She could feel his penis pushing against her between her legs... The ugly memories from her childhood rose again to the surface of her consciousness. Fear gripped her momentarily, paralyzing her mind. Struggling to manage her emotions, she found release as her temper erupted in full force... Oh no... You're not going to get away with this... I'm not going to let you... I'll be damned before I let you repeat this pattern... I'm not going to play victim to your Jack the Ripper routine... I'm not playing victim to anyone anymore...

“I forgive you, Todd,” she whispered in his ear as he continued to kiss her neck. He stopped, frozen in mid-kiss. “I forgive you and I love you...no matter what happens...”

*  *  *  *

Deep inside, insulated, floating--Todd's core personality was only vaguely aware of everything that was happening. He could now see and hear what was going on, but couldn't connect with it cognitively or emotionally. His detachment was complete. There was no pain, no fear, no shock--nothing. He was only aware of Téa's warmth, her presence--how soft she felt, how much he wanted her...

An odd sensation stole quietly across his awareness. He felt an uncomfortable disquiet as it silently took over, drawing his attention away from Téa slowly. He couldn't pinpoint what it was or where it was coming from, but he knew that he wasn't alone. He could hear voices whispering all about him--soothing, cushioning him, telling him not to worry, making him want to forget, coaxing his attention back to Téa... He heard himself speaking to her. He wanted to listen--but the words were indistinct, confusing...

Suddenly, a clear image appeared, blocking out everything else. His mother stood before him, young and beautiful, smiling sadly. “I'm so sorry, Todd...so sorry, my love...” she said quietly. “I know it was wrong to leave you...to leave you there alone with him... But, you have to understand, Darling... I thought you would be better off that way...” A single glistening tear rolled slowly down her white cheek. “I had no control over the situation--you weren't really my son... I knew he hated me, but I didn't know what a monster he would become... I didn't know that he would take out all of his anger and sickness out on you...” She floated closer, reaching out to touch his hair. The sweet scent of roses filled his consciousness. “Please don't hate me, Todd... Forgive me,” she said softly, wistfully. “I loved you... I loved you so...

Oblivious to the fact that she was an illusion, he tried unsuccessfully to reach out to her in his mind. “Mom,” he whispered, transfixed. “Mom...why did you go...? Why didn't you come back for me?” Pain suddenly burst forth inside his mind, bubbling up and spreading out across his consciousness like blood flowing from a gaping wound. “Why didn't you come back... Why didn't you protect me? That's... that's what you do when you love someone, right--you...you protect them? You didn't... you didn't protect me... You just left me there...”

The pain oozed sickeningly into every corner of his mind, threatening to render him unconscious. “You don't know what he did to me,” he wailed in agony, a child once more--firmly locked inside the nightmare horror of his memories. “You don't know...what he...did...” He forced the words out through clenched teeth, trying to move towards her, firmly gripped in the reality of the vision. “I... I called to you, I cried every night... I prayed, I begged...but, you never came to save me, mama... You never came...”

*  *  *  *

“Don't talk to me about love and forgiveness, Delgado,” Todd snapped, twisting a handful of her hair cruelly as he pulled back and looked down at her. A spasm of unbelievable pain engulfed him suddenly, blinding him to the woman before him. He struggled to remain focused, to stay conscious. “I don't have any use for that crap,” he sneered, pushing the words out through the dizzying curtain of pain. “Save it for the other one, the idiot--if you ever see him again...”

“Nevertheless, Todd,” she said softly, refusing to back down, determined to make her point. “I do forgive you--for everything you're about to do. There's not going to be any rape here tonight... It's just not going to happen...”

“What...you think I'm playing doctor with you?” He bristled sarcastically, the pain pounding mercilessly through his head. He raised up on one elbow and stared down at her. “I hate to pop your balloon, precious, but I'm taking you straight to hell tonight and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I'm gonna fuck you blind, bitch! That's assuming I don't choke you to death first,” he snapped. “Maybe I'll do both at the same time...”

“Go ahead, fuck me all you want! Do you see me putting up a fight? But, there will be no rape!” Tea snapped back, suddenly feeling empowered, enjoying the fact that he was obviously a tiny bit nonplused... And the truth shall set you free...she laughed to herself grimly... No more games, Téa...lay down the bottom line... “You're my husband remember? Rape is only rape if one of the participants doesn't wish to comply,” she pointed out. “I want to comply, Todd. In fact, I've made it crystal clear how much I want it, and how much I want you...

“God! Do you know how long I've waited for this night? She continued sadly, dropping the attitude and swallowing her pride. “How long I've waited to feel your body covering mine, to feel your hands caress me--to finally know that you wanted me sexually, that you really needed me as a woman?” Tears glistened in her eyes as her voice softened to an emotional whisper. “Did I like what you did to me? Yes, I liked it... I loved it, Todd... You know I did... You've made me feel things tonight that I've never felt with any man before...” She licked her trembling lips, praying that he could handle what she was saying. “Do I want more? Yes...yes, I do... But I want...”

“Shut up...shut up or I'll break your damn neck!” He leaned to one side and wrapped his hand around her throat, squeezing hard this time. “Don't tell me what you want me to do,” he hissed into her face. “This is not the way we do this. No...no, you don't get to make demands--I do. I decide what goes down, I make all the rules...not you...”

Stay calm...stay focused...she told herself. Every time he reverted to any type of violence, it sent her into a tailspin of fear and anger. She hated to feel that weakness, knowing full well its origin, and tried to control her reactions as best she could. Praying for strength, she placed her free hand gently on top of his, and spoke to him in her softest voice. “No more threats, no more games... You want to take me to hell? Then take me, Todd... Show me the ugly pit you live in... Open it up and let it swallow both of us...

His breathing became rougher, more rapid. His grip tightened on her, she felt his body start to tremble. She fought to breathe normally, to hold back the bitter tears as he forced her legs farther apart with his thigh, as she felt his hand slide down between her legs. She closed her eyes as he grasped his cock and roughly guided it into the proper alignment. He quickly pinned her hands against the pillow and braced himself against her for entry. Pausing, he lowered his head to nuzzle her neck one last time, his body quivering slightly with anticipation. “You want hell? You got it...” he hissed coldly into her ear. “Hold on real tight now, Delgado... You're about to get a personally guided tour.”

“We will still be husband and wife when this night is over,” she whispered softly into his hair as he came near. She turned her head slightly, pressing her temple to his, refusing to give up. “I love you, Todd,” she breathed, summoning the remaining shreds of her courage... “I love you now...and I will still love you...afterwards...”

To be continued...