The Usual Suspects
By Michael Graham
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." -Groucho Marx.
As a hot-blooded evangelical teen-ager in the South, I grew up hating Catholics. Don't take it personally, though. I was Southern Baptist. We hated everyone.
Interestingly, now that I am a godless reprobate condemned to eternal damnation, I find that I hold the Catholic church in high regard. Being the preferred faith of an unrepentant social Darwinist may not spin the Pope's beanie, but it is true nonetheless.
Of the many elements of Catholicism I admire (a clergy that can drink me under the table being but one), I am particularly enamored with its policy of discrimination.
I realize that this is the 1990's and the only remaining sin is the sin of calling one's neighbor a sinner. I also realize that the Catholic church is hardly alone among organized religions in condemning heretics like myself to an eternity in Satan's crockpot.
But it is only Catholicism that is under siege by sinners demanding to be let in.
Hardly a week goes by without some homosexual group flinging condoms at Cardinal O'Connor because the Catholic church won't let Larry, Darryl and Darryl get married. Loose cannon Bishops ordain married priests, female priests- even priests not married to females- all demanding that they are "good Catholics."
This week the action's in Italy where the Vatican
is urging Roman Catholic voters to shun candidates backing proposed gay rights legislation in upcoming elections.
"It's anti-gay racism, [sic!] pure and simple," says Franco Grillini, an Italian homosexual activist and my nominee for 1996's master metaphor mixer. What's next- "anti-vegetarian sexism?"
The papists, much to their credit, are unmoved. Despite public pressure, they maintain homosexuality is a sin. Amid whining from Shannon Faulkner wannabes, they continue their single-gender policies. In short, with raging winds of egalitarianism and political correctness buffeting from all sides, the Catholic church calmly states that they are right and we are wrong. Period.
Now, that's what I call a religion.
Is the church right? Who knows. The point is they truly believe they are right and, to their credit, act like it. Who wants some weasely religion where the rules are made up from week to week based on public opinion and people sit around and decide what "feels good?" I can get that from the Democratic party.
The entire theory of "metaphysics" is that you have knowledge beyond our physical senses. If you truly believed that, then no amount of science or reasoning could (or should) sway you in the least. You would look at the protesting heathens and laugh.
Laughing aside, that's what's going on in Nebraska. A Roman Catholic bishop there is giving his members until May 15th to drop their memberships in pro-abortion and pro-euthanasia groups. The groups, like Planned Parenthood and the Hemlock Society openly promote abortion and euthanasia, both of which are opposed by the Catholic church. And we're not talking about sneaking a Sloppy Joe on Good Friday- these are pretty big issues. Action by the church hardly seems a surprise.
But it is, especially to Randy Moody, a Catholic who serves on the board of Planned Parenthood of Lincoln. "I challenge them to excommunicate me," he said. "This may end up in some court if they would proceed to do that."
Yeah! What right does the church to have to tell you how to live your life? Who does the Pope think he is, anyway?
What "court" that might be raises the core issues that Catholic "protesters" can't seem to grasp. There is no court. It's God. It's the Bible. That's the deal. If you don't like the deal, then leave the Catholic church and try another one: the Hindus, or the Mormons, or Amway. Trust me, no matter how bizarre your thinking or irrational your beliefs, there is someone there with an offering plate and a cable TV show who will welcome you with open arms.
The whole notion of protesting, suing and assaulting your religion is inherently nonsensical. If you don't agree with massive chunks of Catholic doctrine, why do you want to be catholic? If you are pro-abortion and pro-suicide, if you want women clergy and think that homosexuality is just fine with the Big Man (person) upstairs, if you don’t think the Bible is true and don’t like the Pope’s new album, then why not just leave? Just turn Methodist or join NOW and get on with your life!
One day the lawyers will figure out some way to force the Catholic church to use the same admissions standards currently used at public universities, and the pews will be awash in barely literate (but non-judgmental) parishioners all hoping St. Peter grades on the curve. But until that day, this Southern boy is cheering for the Whore of Babylon all the way.
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