June 28, 2009:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


KATE'S PRIVATE HELL

                                                                      [courtesy In Touch Weekly]


Jon & Kate
    Inside the split!


                                                 [courtesy US Weekly]


Jon & Kate
    Inside the fallout!


                                                 [courtesy OK Weekly]


Kate tells People:
  'IT FEELS LIKE I FAILED'

                            
                               [courtesy People]


Jon: 'This will be a difficult transition'
                              
                               [courtesy People]


Kate: 'I need to protect my kids from Jon'

                                                                                                                              [courtesy Life & Style]


Jon's revenge tell-all

                                                                [courtesy the Star]


Jon & new girl friend starting their own family

                                                                                     [courtesy National Enquirer]


Jon + Kate = FAKE
   Divorce papers say 'ideal' couple
     have lived apart for two years


                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Heartbroken Cher BEGS daughter:
    'CALL OFF SEX CHANGE'

                               [courtesy National Examiner]


Chastity Bono
   STOMACH SURGERY BEFORE SEX CHANGE

                                                                          [courtesy National Enquirer]


Cher's sex-swap daughter to be a dad!

                                                                                                                   [courtesy the Globe]


Carradine mistress exposes
 HIS SICK & TWISTED LIFE!

                                                                [courtesy the Globe]


Co-star pukes after sex scene with Carrie Fisher

                                                                                             [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Terry Crow wrote Sun 21 Jun 2009 @10:46:58 PDT:
The only one I know on that  [previous Tuesday's birthday]  list is
Laurie Metcalf, who is sort of an actress.  She played Roseanne's
sister on the show of the same name.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 21 Jun 2009 @11:57:41 PDT:
Laurie Metcalf is an actress who played Roseanne's sister on the long
running show Roseanne.  The rest remain allegations.

"Roseanne"?  – Ed.


Patricia M. wrote Mon 22 Jun 2009 @06:23:22 PDT:
I think Diana DeGarmo was an American Idol contestant several years
ago.

"American Idol?"  – Ed.

PatSolstad@comcast.net on Sun 21 Jun 2009 @14:49:12 GMT
sent us an e-mail without content,  but with the following message
in the subject line:
                                "Please unsubscribe me."

This reader seems to have overlooked or ignored our very pre-
cise instructions on how to "unsubscribe," which are not printed
in every issue but are each time we gain a new subscriber,   and
are reproduced again below for this reader's convenience. – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana
:


              See last week's dumb news from Indiana for an explanation.


Dumb news from Kentucky:






                                              Anneta, Grayson County (exclusive Tabloid Headlines photos)

Quotations of the week:
"The President of the United States is supposed to lead the free world,
 not follow it.  He's been timid and passive more than I would like."
                                                                                                             – South Carolina Senator
                                                                                                                Lindsey Graham


Birthdays:
Meryl Streep, 60
Phyllis George, 60
Lindsay Wagner, 60

Deaths:
Farrah Fawcett, 62
Michael Jackson, 50

Obituaries mentioned that Michael Jackson's  "Thriller"  album
outsold the Beatles' "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
They didn't mention that so did at least 13 other albums, inclu-
ding the sound track from "Dirty Dancing," and that the Eagles'
"Greatest Hits" has outsold "Thriller," depending on the list you
go to.  http://www.classicbands.com/bestsellers.html#top100
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_albums_worldwide
http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/25-best-selling-albums-of-all-time.htm

Borf's weekly BONUS:
In  "Let's Keep Facebook Fun, People,"  a blogster  flamed  u-
sers who reported getting fired. . . . A woman dialed 911 in Sy-
racuse, New York, to complain that  a police car was blocking
her car,  then keyed the cruiser when the cops failed to move it
fast enough. . . . A Swiss woman asked her wealthy French lov-
er for a million dollars as they made love;  he  said,  "That's a lot
of money to pay for a whore,"  and she shot him dead.  . . . The
sixth dead body turned up in  the  seven  years  of the Bonnaroo
festival in Tennessee.  .  .  . Three men and two women died in a
pickup truck in a shallow pond in west Texas. .  .  . The Los An-
geles Dodgers'  Manny  Ramirez,  suspended  from major league
baseball for 50 games for use of  artificial  testosterone  and a fe-
male  fertility drug,  was being allowed to play out his suspension
in  the  minor  leagues.  .  .  .  A woman was cited for having 334
rabbits in her yard in Rio Rancho, New Mexico. . . .South Caro-
lina's governor went for a "hike" in Buenos Aires. . . .  H. R. Hal-
deman called Thomas Eagleton a  "pipsqueak"  in newly released
Nixon archives. . . . Children in Chino Valley,  California,  had to
go back to school for six weeks  because  administrators  shaved
too many minutes from regular term school days. .  .  . Greenland
changed its name to Naalakkersuisut.
 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, National Public Radio, Associated Press]


Unopened e-mail
last week included a message from "Shreya Saldarriaga"
            titled "Get in enow wihle the pirces eire suepr louw."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jenny and the boys.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett



Preevious issue                    

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




June 21, 2009:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

Britney
Getting
MARRIED!
                  [courtesy the Star]


Judge Judy vs. Oprah:
IT'S WAR!

                               [courtesy the Globe]


250-lb. KIRSTIE COLLAPSES!

                         [courtesy National Enquirer]


Garth Brooks' suicide drama!
                                                                 [courtesy the Globe]


Marie Osmond HATES SEX!
      Ex-hubby's shocking tell-all

                                                [courtesy the Globe]


David Carradine strangled by drag queens

                                                                                                                     [courtesy the Globe]


Cher in tears over Chastity sex change

                                                                                            [courtesy National Enquirer]


Kate caught HITTING HER DAUGHTER

                                                                         [courtesy In Touch Weekly]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 14 Jun 2009 @11:26:00 PDT:
"Fish need water, Feds say"  is not so foolish as it sounds
 in the headline.  This was a study relating to the minimum
 instream flows needed to  sustain  endangered  salmonid
 populations  in  river systems where there are many com-
 peting demands for water . . . .

Blah, blah, blah, etc., etc.  If you have more than a tabloid curios-
ity about the subject, or just want the rest of this dissertation,  you
can e-mail Mr. Mitchell at ibaminv@gmail.com. Or you can "Goo-
gle" the subject.  – Ed.


MO wrote Sun 14 Jun 2009 @18:24:05 CDT:
AS ALWAYS!!!   GREAT TABLOID!!!   I  LOOK FORWARD
TO READING THIS CRAP EACH WEEK,  AND IF NO ONE
ELSE DOES THAT'S TOUGH – KEEPEM COMING TO ME!!!

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 14 Jun 2009 @11:09:39 PDT:
I wish to thank you for serving me my weekly diet of sleaze.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
The attorney for the Jeffersonsville City Council was found sleep-
ing in his neighbor's garbage can at 7 a.m. after a night of revelry.


                                      [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A four-foot-long alligator was frightening fishermen on Pine Lake
in LaPorte County.
                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentucky representatives John Yarmuth and Brett Guthrie formed
a Bourbon Caucus in Congress, with 17 members so far. . . .

A limousine belonging to a judge of the state Court of Appeals was
found parked at a drug dealer's home in Bell County.

                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

Quotations of the week:
"They didn't rig the vote.  They didn't even look at the vote.
 They just wrote the name and put the number in front of it."
                                                                                              – anonymous Iranian election official
               [courtesy Harper's Weekly & New York Times]


"That was pretty impressive, wasn't it?  I got the sucker."
                                                                                          – President Obama, after swatting a fly
                                                                                             with his bare hand in a TV interview


Birthdays:
Aung San Suu Kyi, 64
Anne Murray, 64
Paul McCartney, over 64

and these were the birthdays listed in last Tuesday's "Buzz":
Lamont Dozier, 68
Eddie Levert, 67
Joan Van Ark, 66
Laurie Metcalf, 54
Jenny Shimizu, 42
China Shavers, 32
Diana DeGarmo, 22
Your editor and his staff had never heard of any of these al-
leged persons.  Perhaps our readers can give us a tip or two.

Borf's weekly BONUS:
The umpire at a high school baseball game in West Burlington,
Iowa,  ejected the entire crowd of  a  hundred  spectators  for
yelling and arguing. . . . Two teens in Sarasota,  Florida,  were
arrested for copulating in the driver's seat of a moving car (and
were charged not with reckless driving, of which at least one of
them clearly was guilty, but with "lewd and lascivious behavior").
.  .  . A police station in Gerihun, Sierra Leone,  was taken over
by hundreds of venomous snakes. .  .  .  A demolition company
razed the wrong house in Carroll County, Georgia. . . .  An Ital-
ian woman who arrived late at the airport in Rio de Janeiro  and
missed Air France's fatal flight 447 died a week later in an auto-
mobile accident in Austria. ... New Jersey residents got out their
snow blowers to deal with 2˝ inches of hail June 15. . . . David
Letterman  apologized  for saying  Sarah  Palin's  "daughter was
knocked up by Alex Rodriguez"  in the seventh inning at Yankee
Stadium. . . . Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tripped and stum-
bled  in the State Department garage and broke her elbow.  .  .  .
California's Babs Boxer rebuked an Army general  for calling her
"ma'am"  instead of   "Senator." .  . . California's Gov'nor Ahnold
"tweeted" his airplane's emergency landing  in Los Angeles.  .  .  .
An Oregon woman who was  banned  from being within 100 feet
of  a  bunny  2˝ years ago after police found 250 in her Hillsboro
home (including 100 dead) was arrested last week at a hotel after
a maid found  rabbits  hopping  around  in her room. . . .  A kitten
was dumped in a mailbox in Boston.

                                 [courtesy Daily Snopes, AP, TheStar.com]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "marmolejomopiest"
        titled "Can you copy and past IT?"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Fredia Luckey.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




June 14, 2009:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

Michelle Obama PREGNANT
        New baby will end Prez gay scandal, she vows

                                                                                                                       [courtesy the Globe]


Britney's $350,000 body makeover

                                                            [courtesy National Enquirer]


Holocaust museum shooting
suspect went beyond ranting


                                              [courtesy Cincinnati Enquirer]


Jon & Kate's $10 million divorce!
                                                            [courtesy National Enquirer]

Where in the world is Kate?

                                                [courtesy National Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 7 Jun 2009 @09:18:16 EDT:
Who ARE these people?

We were afraid someone would ask – but we expected such,  and  we
were prepared.

Kate and Jon Gosselin became reality TV icons  as the ideal parents of
twins and sextuplets in Wernersville,  Pennsylvania.  But an enterprising
paparazzo for Us Weekly tailed Jon, 32, with a videocam  as Kate, 34,
went on a book tour with her best-seller Eight Little Faces, and found
him in flagrante, at his own home, with a third-grade teacher from Read-
ing – whose face and name  then  also  were plastered all over the sleaz-
ettes (she's the lovely Deanna Hummel, 23).  The rest, as we say, is tab-
loid.

We had sincerely and sorely hoped to avoid this ongoing saga, but the ed-
itorial pressure became too great.  It  was  a  choice  between ignoring the
worst of the sleaze and serving our readers.  We chose to serve. – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7 Jun 2009 @11:02:27 PDT:
Damn you, Borf, and yer JPEGS.  I wanna read alla petty details
of the Alton attorney who accidentally suits hisself.

That JPEG and the previous week's (headlined "Utah Poison Control
Center reminds everyone not to take poison")  were presented in our
usual "tidbit" style, and exactly as we received them from an experien-
ced and respected journalist in Australia  (thanks,  Eric).   We do give
our readers links, occasionally, especially when we think they might be
left "at sea" without context; but these were not such cases (both items
were clearly "old" news anyway).   And surely,  sir,  you know how to
"Google" and "Yahoo" the news yourself.  – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The fourth annual Red Skelton Festival in Vincennes was kicked
off with a clown pie fight. . . .

The Petersburg police chief was indicted  for letting his girl friend
use his department's computer  to  obtain prescription pain killers
illegally. . . .

Three black families in Indianapolis sued  Chuck  E.  Cheese  for
refusing to serve them.
                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
David Joseph Poppiti,  18,  of New Castle, Delaware,  pleaded guilty in Pine-
ville to killing a deputy sheriff and his dog who were in a parked cruiser struck
by Poppiti's vehicle as he fled a service station where he had not paid to refuel.
Poppiti got 25 years for murder and evading a police officer.  Charges of spee-
ding, driving without a license, and first degree assault on a service animal were
dismissed in the plea bargain. . . .

Henderson County Judge Sandy Watkins,  who has received awards  for  pro-
moting recycling and closing illegal dumps,  was cited for illegal burning.

                                                                                                  [courtesy AP]


and here's a "dumb news from Kentucky" teaser especially for Bruce Mitchell:

Indicted Clay County judge carries checkered past
Following his appointment in 1990 as circuit judge, Russell Cletus Maricle
earned a reputation as being intelligent and compassionate. But early in his
law career, he was accused of murder. . . .

                                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

You want the rest of the story?  Google it!  – Ed.


Quotation of the week:
"Obama is making us stupid.  Love can make you stupid."
                                                                                           – Naomi Klein

Birthdays:
Prince Rogers Nelson, 51
Tom Jones, 69
Vic Damone, 81
Robert McNamara, 93
Les Paul, 94

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Parking tickets accumulated for weeks on a minivan beneath a
Brooklyn-Queens Expressway overpass  in  New York  while
the driver lay dead inside. .  .  . Supreme Court nominee Sonia
Sotomayor  tripped  and  stumbled  at New York's LaGuardia
Airport and broke her ankle. . . . President Barack Hussein O-
bama spoke in Arabic in Cairo. . . .  A French court ruled that
contestants on the reality show "Temptation Island" are entitled
to a 35-hour work week, overtime pay and vacation. . . . Aus-
tralian prostitutes marched on International Whores Day in pro-
test of high advertising rates. .  .  . The free speech defense fail-
ed Helen Immelt  as she was convicted of harassment  for lean-
ing on her automobile horn for ten minutes at 5:50 a.m.  in front
of her neighbor's house in Snohomish County, Washington. . . .
Two What-A-Burger employes in Albuquerque,  New Mexico,
were convinced by a prank caller  impersonating a company of-
ficial  to  shed their clothes  and break the windows  to  test  the
fast food shop's fire suppression system. . . . Two persons were
arrested in the Miami, Florida, suburb Palmetto Bay in the muti-
lation deaths of two dozen residents' pet cats.  .  .  . Swine flu a-
chieved a "pandemic" rating from the World Health Organization.
.  .  . Chastity Bono will undergo sex change surgery.  .  .  . Miss
California was fired.

                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Janet" titled "Hello."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  Laura  Ling,  Euna
Lee,  and  Louisa  Lim.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




June 7, 2009:  Things you would never know  if  you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:

EDGAR  CAYCE
GUIDES OBAMA!


                         [courtesy the Sun]


Mary Kay LeTourneau's new scandal!
   Promotes 'Hot for Teacher' night at local bar

                                                                                               [courtesy National Examiner]


Katie Couric, 52, to marry toyboy, 35

                                                                                                                     [courtesy the Globe]


Kelly Clarkson
   Sad 'Idol' star hits 170 lbs.


                                                            [courtesy National Examiner]


How Jon & Kate fooled America

                                                                      [courtesy the Globe]


Jon caught on video with another woman!

                                                                                                      [courtesy National Enquirer]


Kate's ex-fiancé tells all!

                                                                 [courtesy the Star]


Jon talks to People:
   ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!


                                 [courtesy People]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Keith Durbin wrote Mon 1 Jun 2009 @07:27:56 CDT:
I vote for Rush Limbaugh and his favorite person Rush
Limbaugh as the the biggest dumbass morning radio duo.

Stephen Yates wrote Tues 2 Jun 2009 @03:59:54 CDT:
I am surprised that you left out the dumbass morning ra-
dio duo Bob & Tom – the Bob the Knob show,  out of
Indianapolis – aired on 103.7 in your area.

Gee, we got mixed up, switching back and forth between 103.7
and 105.3 (Bob & Sheri). We thought Tom  was  just  Sheri  in
drag!  (Tom and Jerry?)  Who is that dumb bitch on the Bob &
Tom show?  – Ed.


FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 31 May 2009 @10:00:50 PDT:
Carlos Zambrano probably also misunderestimated the conse-
quences of his overexaggeration.

Indeed he did.  He was suspended for six games.  – Ed.


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 31 May 2009 @08:13:04 PDT:
Get with it, Borf! Have the decency to convert your JPEG
pix of news articles into PDF format before attaching to fu-
ture editions of this rag so readers don't have to dig out ma-
gnifying glasses to read the damned text.

You weren't supposed to read  the "damned text."  The headline
said it all.  –  Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
Andy Horning, of Freedom, two-time Libertarian Party nominee for
governor, is moving to Texas.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 19-year-old father and 14-year-old mother were charged with meth-
ampheatimine production in Wayne County and also with murder in the
death of their 22-month old son from a  drain  cleaner  he drank from a
cup  (which contains a chemical used in making meth). . . .

State police shot and killed a man charging them  on  a  front-end loader
in Bracken County.
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

The New Bethel Church in southwest Louisville has scheduled an  "Open
Carry
" service urging the flock to wear unloaded guns in holsters, listen to
talks by gun merchants and firing range operators,  and enter a raffle for a
free handgun: http://www.newbethelchurchky.org/openCarryCelebration.htm . . .

A nine-hole golf course at Bellarmine University in Louisville will be paved
over for a parking lot.
                                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week:
"Wax the baby!"
                             – Jeanetta Girard

Birthdays:
Clint Eastwood, 79
Andy Griffith, 82
Terry Waite, 70
Carlos Zambrano, 28

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Susan Boyle was admitted to a mental health clinic in London
suffering from exhaustion after losing the championship round
of Britain [Has] Talent.  .  .  .  A 25-year-old Egyptian cut off
his penis after being denied permission to marry a woman of a
lower class. . . . 16 & Pregnant premieres this week on MTV.
.  .  .   A car came to a dead stop on a highway in Switzerland
when all four wheels dropped off simultaneously. . . .  An Eng-
ish jogger ran into a tree while tweeting on Twitter. . . .  A 29-
year-old minimum-wage earner who has 21 children under the
age of 11 with 11 different women appeared in court in Knox-
ville, Tennessee, on 15 child support cases.  . . . The last survi-
vor of the Titanic died.  .  .  . A 5-year-old girl reared by dogs
and cats was found in Siberia talking in hisses and barks.  .  .  .
British scientists concluded  that  cats  have a poor understand-
ing of the relationship between cause and effect. . . . An Israeli
woman lay down between the rails at a crossing; a train passed
over, and the woman got up and walked away.  .  .  .  A jury in
New Jersey  awarded  $115,000  to  a  man  who had sued his
mother for tapping him on the shoulder  as he operated a power
saw,  causing him to lose a little finger. . . . David Carradine was
found dead of autoerotic asphyxiation  in his hotel room in Bang-
kok.  .  .  .  Commencement  was  canceled  at Centerburg High
School in Ohio when it was discovered that a senior had hacked
into teachers' computers and distributed tests to classmates in ad-
vance. .  .  . A man in Kannapolis, North Carolina, recruited a ra-
pist for his wife on Craigslist. . . .Maine's topless coffee shop was
destroyed by arson.

      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP, Bob & Tom]

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from:
        "Stephane" titled "In 2 days, I'll sue you"
         and "Marg" titled "Open it, you jew."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jon, and Kate, and
all their little boy friends and girl friends – past, present and future.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett





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