April 27, 2014:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket  –  this week's headlines
(this week's issue
brought to you by Essence of Pew, the new fragrance for hip-
pies)
:


Found! The Holy Grail! (Examiner); It's over: Nicole & Keith, Blake & Miranda, Barbra & James (Life & Style, Star, Enquirer); Great news: Study finds plump is healthier than thin (Examiner)
Found! The Holy Grail! (Examiner); It's over: Nicole & Keith, Blake & Miranda, Barbra & James (Life & Style, Star, Enquirer); Great news: Study finds plump is healthier than thin (Examiner)



LETTERS to the EDITOR:
The Columnist Formerly Known as Bob Hill
wrote Sun 4/20/14 @08:31 EDT:
I have known several politicians, too many TV basketball anal-
ysts, and the occasional preacher who were unmanned drones.
Does that count?

Jeanie Ruckle wrote Sun 4/20/14 @10:28 CDT:
Wasn't Robin Albino one of the gangsters on the Sopranos?

Dumb news from Indiana
:

A man was arrested for climbing the statue atop the Soldiers & Sail-
ors Monument tower on the Indianapolis Circle.
                                                            [courtesy Channel 13 WTHR]

Two blades broke off towering electricity turbines at a "wind farm"
in
Tipton  County,  where the County Commissioners' president told at-
tendants at a forum that there was no  imminent  danger  to the public
(the birds and the groundhogs were not reassured). . . .

Kenny Loggins will sing at the Republican State Convention in Fort
Wayne.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb geographical trivia in Indiana:
We reported in earlier issues (two links there) that there
are three towns named Needmore in Indiana  (and  four
in Texas), along with two named Springhill; and now we
have discovered  that there are two Brownstowns in In-
diana  –  the smallish seat  of  Jackson  County  (where
John "Cougar" Mellencamps's home town, Seymour, is
the largest city) and an even smallerish hamlet in Craw-
ford  County,  less than 35 miles southwest of the Jack-
son County seat.

But perhaps dumber than two or three towns with the
same  name  are two or three towns with two or three
names (or more). We'll start with Waterman, in north-
western Parke County on the  Fountain  County  line,
less than a mile east of Vermillion [sic] County.  Orig-
inally called Gilderoy.  Platted as Fullerton,  in  1836.
Renamed Lodi,  in 1837. Labeled "Waterman (Lodi)"
on the highway department road map but indexed on
the same map as "Lodi (Waterman)."  No post office,
no city council,  no official name.  Most  of  the  resi-
dents call it Lodi.  Reminds us of Vigo, the next coun-
ty south, which two-thirds of the residents pronounce
"VEE-go" and one-third pronounce "VYE-go" (Terre
Haute is the seat of Vigo County).


Thanks to Ronald L. Baker and Marvin Carmony, Indi-
ana Place Names (Indiana University Press, 1975), for
most of this wonderful information.  To be continued. . . .

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Matt Bevin, challenger of Mitch McConnell in the Republi-
can primary for U.S. Senator, put his young daughter Oliv-
ia
in a campaign commercial calling McConnell a liar. . . .

McConnell's Democrat challenger, Secretary of State Alice-
in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergran Grimes, called on
President Obama to approve the  Keystone Pipeline  through
the Great Plains (but has not yet taken a position on the Blue-
grass Pipeline, which is not very popular in Kentucky). . . .

A "special needs" child picked up by a school bus in Oldham
County never made it  to  "preschool"  and was found on the
bus in the depot three hours later. . . .

A prisoner on a hunger strike starved to death  at  the  state
penitentiary in Eddyville. . . .

Perhaps emulating Seinfeld's Newman,  William  ("Brent")
Morse,  a  postman  in Dawson Springs,  was charged with
dumping more than 44,900 pieces of  mail  in his late moth-
er's house ("I think he was lazy," Police Capt. Craig Patter-
son commented).
                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Lexington's most wanted: Martha Fuston, WF, 30, 5'5", 180 lbs; Shi Sibley, WF, 31, 5'8", 160 lbs
Lexington's most wanted: Martha Fuston, WF, 30, 5'5", 180 lbs; Shi Sibley, WF, 31, 5'8", 160 lbs

                                                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Quotation of the week
:
"Ouch!"
                    – British Prime Minister David Cameron, stung by a jellyfish near a Spanish island

Quotation of the weak (give a numbnock a microphone, and he'll speak into it):
"I was like, Dudes, I have to piss so bad."
                                                                             Dallas Swonger,  accused of
                                                                                urinating in a city reservoir

Quotations of the Wheat:
"A woman is like a handy gun:  Eventually you will want to shoot it."
                                                                                                                – Leonard Simon

Misnomers that need a nap: "golf industry"


Birthdays:
Gedhun Choekyi Nyima, 25 (11th Panchen Lama, still missing)
Kelly Clarkson, 32
Queen Elizabeth, 88
St. Vincent de Paul (1581-1660)

"Country singers":
Duane Eddy, 76

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Two men suspected of disinterring a baby's body  and  eat-
ing it were arrested after the infant's head was found in the
home of one of them in Pakistan (where cannibalism is not
a crime). . . .China's
Great Men Wax Museum granted a re-
quest from North Korea to heighten late great leader Kim
Il-Sung by six inches. . . .Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced
to a year of community service at a nursing home  (watch
out, ladies). . . . U.S. Airways "tweeted" a photograph of
a Boeing 777 crashing into a vagina. . . . A west Pennsyl-
vania  policeman  spent the winter disguised as an Amish
woman in an attempt to catch a flasher. . . . A missing 3-
year-old boy was found inside a "grab a toy with a claw"
machine with stuffed animals in Lincoln, Nebraska. . . .
Cumberland County, New Jersey, summoned a German
Shepherd to jury duty. . . . Portland, Oregon, flushed out
38  million  gallons of drinking water  after  surveillance
cameras  showed  an 18-year-old man peeing in a reser-
voir. . . . A Brit doing 6½ years for burglary broke out of
the Leyhill prison in Gloucestershire to avoid the day and
night din of rap and hip-hop, he said.

                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes, AP]

The sports:

                     Star Wars softball hotties: Woodford County's Cheyenne Jamison is tagged out by Lexington Catholic's Catie Nash as she tries to stretch a single into a double (Kentucky high school sports, Herald-Leader)
Star Wars softball hotties: Woodford County's Cheyenne Jamison is tagged out by Lexington Catholic's Catie Nash as she tries to stretch a single into a double (Kentucky high school sports, Herald-Leader)
                     University of Louisville second baseman Katie Keller (U of L photo by Michelle Hutchins)
University of Louisville second baseman Katie Keller (U of L photo by Michelle Hutchins)

Dear Eleanor:
Seven years ago, my husband walked out on our 9-month-old
son and me.  He's been out of the picture since.   The last four
years there has been no contact from him whatsoever.

The whole time his brother has kept in touch with texts and oc-
casional visits.  Lately there seems to be a spark when we are
together.  I know his family would approve.  When my ex and
I separated his mom told me she thought I was a better match
for her other son.  Would it be wrong  to  have  a  relationship
with my ex's brother?
                                                                                Confused
Dear Connie:
                           
You can't marry your child's  uncle!   That  would
                            be incest!  What if you had children?  Your son's
                            sister  would be his  first cousin!   Where do you
                            live?  Kentucky?  West Virginia?  Indiana?

                            And have you not considered the "birds of a feath-
                            er" principle?   Can you trust anything  the  mother
                            of that  jerk  would say?


This week's movie:  "Leisure Suit."

           



Unopened e-mail last week included a message from darcon @ penangfon.com
        titled "Damn, mutoq is in the town!"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Ellie Moxley.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor

Essence of Pew parfum "It's 99.45 per cent pure!" - discoverer, John M. Greer; a new fragrance for hippies; Are you a hippie? Or would you just like to smell like one? Either way, this new fragrance is for you. Discovered in 1970 in an old sack of potatoes on the floor of the patnry in an abandoned commune, it has only now come to market, after years of experimentation with the refining and processing and epic struggles with the FDA and the EPA. Patchouli oil, it's not! Get yours today! At all fine stores. Or look for it on line.
Essence of Pew parfum "It's 99.45 per cent pure!" - discoverer, John M. Greer; a new fragrance for hippies; Are you a hippie? Or would you just like to smell like one? Either way, this new fragrance is for you. Discovered in 1970 in an old sack of potatoes on the floor of the patnry in an abandoned commune, it has only now come to market, after years of experimentation with the refining and processing and epic struggles with the FDA and the EPA. Patchouli oil, it's not! Get yours today! At all fine stores. Or look for it on line.



April 20, 2014:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:


Biologists confirm God evolved from ancient chimpanzee deity (Onion); Hijacked! Flight 370 was a bomb aimed at U.S. naval base (Globe); World War II affected children in France, Germany (Louisville Courier-Journal)
Biologists confirm God evolved from ancient chimpanzee deity (Onion); Hijacked! Flight 370 was a bomb aimed at U.S. naval base (Globe); World War II affected children in France, Germany (Louisville Courier-Journal)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Len wrote Sun 4/13/14 @17:09 EDT:
Isn't "unmanned drone" a redundancy?  OED on line, drone, n.:
1.  A low continuous humming sound.
2.  A male bee in a colony of social bees that does no work
     but can fertilize a queen.
2.1  A person who does no useful work and lives off others.
3A remote-controlled pilotless aircraft or missile.
Good point.  But the judge had a point on the 4th Amendment,
which prohibits unreasonable search and seizure:  Suits against
the government for wrongful death are customarily brought un-
der the 5th Amendment,  which prohibits, inter al, deprivation
of "life, liberty or property without due process of law."    Her
Honor wrote also  that the families had presented a "plausible"
due process claim but, "Nonetheless the court finds no availa-
ble remedy under U.S. law . . . ."  – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:

A 26-year-old Michigan City man lost control of his truck  dodging
a pothole and drove into a pizza den, then 15 hours later was struck
by a train as he walked the tracks talking on his cell phone.
                                         [courtesy Michigan City News-Dispatch]

A 20-year-old woman convicted of manslaughter was ordered by a
judge  to  address  two Clay County high schools on the dangers of
speeding, but the schools superintendent declined her invitation.

                                                                    [courtesy Brazil Times]

An Indiana University freshman solved all the letters on the Wheel
of Fortune TV quiz show but couldn't pronounce the third word –
MYTHOLOGICAL HERO ACHILLES
– and thus was elimina-
ted. 
He pronounced it "AY-chil-us."  (The clue was "character.")

                                                                         [courtesy USA Today]

South Bend's most wanted: Terry Lynn Wiltfong, WF, domestic violence 3rd offense (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Terry Lynn Wiltfong, WF, domestic violence 3rd offense (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 16-year-old female student at Male High School (that's right) in Louis-
ville posted a "3-minute video suicide note" on YouTube  and then  killed
herself as the video went "viral."  The video was taken down a day later;
and the Courier-Journal reporter did not mention,  in a 904-word article,
the girl's name, how she killed herself, or what a "video suicide note" is –
e.g., a writing on a piece of paper?  a talking "selfie"?  a movie of the off-
ing?  something else?   But American LiveWire, BuzzFeed and some oth-
er web sites at least gave us the girl's name (Maddie Yates)  and pictures
(she was pretty,  of course).  BuzzFeed explained not only what a "video
suicide note" was, in this case  (a talking "selfie"), but even gave us a tran-
script (and Britain's Daily Mail posted numerous photos and a partial tran-
script).  One site reported also that several of the girl's friends saw the vi-
deo shortly after it was posted and called her parents to stop her, but too
late.
                                                                   [discourtesy Courier-Journal]

Robin Albino
Robin Albino: stills made from movie shot by Tabloid Headlines staff photographer Harry Girard



stills made from movie shot by Tabloid Headlines staff photographer Harry Girard

A coal mining company owned by a state representative spilled a chemical
into a stream in Pike County, polluting his constituents' drinking water. . . .


   No Longer Lexington's most wanted: Tammy Garrett (apprehended); Anthany (sic) Beatty is running for mayor of Lexington
No Longer Lexington's most wanted: Tammy Garrett (apprehended); Anthany (sic) Beatty is running for mayor of Lexington
                   [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Nine of the 15 defendants appearing in Edmonson County District Court
on criminal charges last week were women.

                           [courtesy Edmonson News ("The Gimlet – It Bores In")]

Quotations of the weak (give numbnocks microphones, and they'll speak into them):
"You cannot interfere with children."
                                                                Pope Jorge, asking forgiveness for abusive priests

"
We've had a few members who have become bad apples, and the whole organization is
 overall cast in the same light."

                                                        – Frank Ancona,
Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan

"
I missed validating a variable containing a length."
                                                                                           – Robin Seggelmann, the computer pro-
                                                                                              grammer who
inadvertently created
                                                                                              the "
Heartbleed" internet bug
Quotation of the week:
                                        "You can't kill a kid."
                                                                            – Pete Falcon

Quotations of the Wheat:
"You never really know a woman until you meet her in court."
                                                                                                          – Leonard Simon

Misnomers that need a nap: "truck broker industry"


Birthdays:
Posh Spice, 40
Valerie Plame, 51
Hayley Mills, 68
Bob Montgomery, 69, backup catcher for the Boston Red Sox and
   
        the last major league baseball player to bat without a helmet
Bobby Vinton, 79
Loretta Lynn, over 79

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Brooklyn businessman God Gazarov sued the credit re-
porter Equifax for not recognizing his name as legitimate
(and  where  does this leave the former  basketball  star
God Shammgod?). . . . A series of math textbooks was
under attack in Russia for  depicting 
Snow  White  and
Little Red Riding Hood in 119 illustrations and only nine
Russians. .  .  . An astronaut from Colorado posted the
first selfie from space on Instagram. . . .A 9-month-old
boy was charged with attempted murder in Pakistan. ...

A vibrating orange  dildo,  perhaps mistaken for a tasty
cephalopod,  was found in the stomach of a codfish ta-
ken in the Barents Sea off Norway. . . . Hand scanning
was replacing credit cards in Sweden. . . . A marijuana
vending machine  was introduced at a barbecue café in
Avon,  Colorado.
  . . .  Miley Cyrus canceled concerts
after  OD'ing  on  antibiotics  (it was not reported what
illness she was trying to twerk). . . . A high school seni-
or was sentenced to three days of  "in school"  suspen-
sion
in York, Pennsylvania, for asking Miss America to
the  prom  in  her question-and-answer presentation  at
the school.

      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, USA Today, NBC, CNN
]
Perp of the decade: Megan Huntsman, 39, is a person of extreme interest in the deaths of seven babies whose bodies were found in cardboard boxes in her garage in Pleasant Grove, Utah, by her estranged husband as he was cleaning out the garage after being released from prison; Dates of death were estimated to run from 1996 to 2006 (USA Today)
Perp of the decade: Megan Huntsman, 39, is a person of extreme interest in the deaths of seven babies whose bodies were found in cardboard boxes in her garage in Pleasant Grove, Utah, by her estranged husband as he was cleaning out the garage after being released from prison; Dates of death were estimated to run from 1996 to 2006 (USA Today)

The sports:

Fireworks set the American flag on fire at the New York
Mets - Atlanta Braves opening day baseball game in At-
lanta, Georgia.

Dear Eleanor:

I have followed the many outraged responses regarding adult
children who have cut elderly parents out of their lives;  so let
me give another view.  My mother is 86 and possessed of her
faculties.  She can live alone  and  unassisted.  Both my sisters
cut her out of their lives years ago.  Why?   Because Mom has
a cruel mouth  and is bigoted, gratuitously insulting, highly opin-
ionated and very vocal about what she thinks of you and every-
one else.

Mom complains that she has been shunned because of her age,
and I told her it is because  she  is  unpleasant  and  impossible.
She responded with a well known two-word obscenity.  So,  I
am done.

I have tried with great patience to keep Mom in my life; but she
is so difficult that I, too, have finally thrown in the towel.  I don't
need the stress she creates.  Let your readers know that the be-
havior of some adult children may be abundantly justified.

                                                                        Finished in Chicago
Dear Chicafin:
                            Yes!
  I'm with you!  199 per cent!  Fuck the old bitch.


This week's movie:  "Feed Your Lawn!"

            Feed your lawn


ANSWERS to last week's "scrumble":
 LUAUNUS = UNUSUAL
CATEROOD = DOCTORATE
CRESTLEY = SECRETLY
MINNIFEE = FEMININE


He couldn't run for office again because of his

       ELECTORAL  DYSFUNCTION.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Michaeleen Dou-
cleff.



Unopened e-mail last week included a message from a message from paulinaas @ educastur.princast.es
        titled "My panties were howumox."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Face-
book in the last week included  Eliana Quevedo Nutricionista



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 13, 2014:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:


Secrets & scandals of TV judges! One's an Ex-con (Judge Mathis, as a juvenile), Another caught topless (Judge Millian, on a beach), One battles the bottle (Judge Joe Brown), Judge Judy had plastic surgery (Examiner); New secrets exposed in pal's book, JFK Jr.'s sexy rendezvous with Diana! Asked her to pose nude for George mazaine (Examiner)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Nancy Pugh wrote Sun 4/6/14 @10:26 CDT re last week's quotation
of the weak
"A tree trimmer was rushed to a Pittsburgh hospital with
a chain saw blade embedded in his neck"
:
Forthman Murff did that in the '70's, says Dan Pugh.  Apparent-
ly that's Murff's real name.
Indeed, Mr. Murff, a Mississippi lumberjack, did nearly decapitate him-
self with a chain saw,  in 1984;  and, indeed, Mr. Murff survived, as did
the Pennsylvania tree trimmer;  but,  indeed,  Mr. Murff's neck, like the
tree trimmer's,  was cut by a chain,  not by a blade.    – Editor


Septimus P. Runkle, attorney at law, wrote Sun 4/6/14 @14:14 EDT:
Your Mr. Simon is very clever, and last week's "quotation
of the Wheat"  – "Where there's a will,  there's an inheri-
tance" –  was particularly catchy.

But technically it's incorrect. "Inheritance" is the acquisi-
tion of property from a decedent who did not leave a last
will, via consanguine descent.  Property passing by a last
will is called a "devise" if real estate,  a "legacy" if pers-
onal property  (or a "bequest,"  strictly applied also only
to personal property,  but  commonly  used  in regard to
real and personal property both).  You can look it up in
a standard dictionary (a "legal" dictionary is not neces-
sary).

Publius Leget wrote Sun 4/6/14 @11:15 CDT:
You keep saying that this or that sporting event is  "not on
television"; then you report that it can be seen on cable or
satellite, or "on line."  Isn't that television?
No.  "Television" is defined, in our 1984 dictionary, as "the broad-
cast of a still or moving image  via  radio  waves  to receivers  that
project it on a picture tube for viewing at a distance from the point
of origin."  Cable transmission, by definition, is not by radio wave;
and satellites receive and send microwaves.

And there is another,  huge  difference.  Receipt by radio wave is
free.  But the owner of the receiver (e.g., a "television set") has to
pay for a cable or satellite signal.  We are acquainted with a num-
ber of people, here in the boondocks,  who not only  do  not  have
cable or satellite service, but also cannot afford it.  They  grew  up
watching the World Series  (in the daytime,  by the way – they did
not have to keep the lights on to go to the bathroom  or to go for a
snack or a drink) for only the initial expense of purchase (or rental)
of a TV set  and enough electricity just to  run  it.  They  no  longer
have this luxury.  (And,  why are radio waves free and microwaves
not?   This may be  a  political  question  rather than an engineering
question.)

By the way, we may have erred last week in saying you could have
seen the Final Four in person  in  Texas.  They played the games in
the Dallas Cowboys' "AT&T Stadium," which  seats  80,000.  Very
few of 80,000 people packed into a football stadium can see a bas-
ketball game there (unless they have telescopic vision).
                                                                                                – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:

"Horse" therapy was helping children cope with behavior "issues"
in Jeffersonville.
                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
A judge in New Albany ordered a murder defendant to let his hair
grow out to cover the  "Death Row X3"  tattoo on the back of his
head. . . .

Three Amish teachers who lived in their school at Topeka,  in La-
Grange County, escaped carbon monoxide fumes there, traced to
an exhaust lead from a well water pump. . . .

Developers in Kokomo have been unable for three years to grow
enough grass for a planned soccer field. . . .

Two southeastern Indiana highways were succumbing to sinkholes.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Angela Fry, WF, 5'7", 150 lbs, theft; Deandrea Daze Bailey, BF, welfare fraud; Tiffani Lynn Maser, WF, larceny in a building (Illiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Angela Fry, WF, 5'7", 150 lbs, theft; Deandrea Daze Bailey, BF welfare fraud; Tiffani Lynn Maser, WF, larceny in a building (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Lexington's most wanted: Ryan Bryant, WM, 21, 5'8", 150 lbs; Tammy Garrett, WF, 49, 5'4", 160 lbs: Tammy, only a cover girl last week, is this week's "featured fugivie" - she's wanted for second degree burglary
                                                                                                                   [courtesy Herald-Leader]
Lexington's most wanted: Ryan Bryant, WM, 21, 5'8", 150 lbs; Tammy Garrett, WF, 49, 5'4", 160 lbs, Tammy, only a cover girl last week, is this week's "featured fugitive": She's wanted for second degree burglary

A burglar called 911 after falling from a ladder and breaking his
leg in a house he was breaking into in Louisville. . . .

University of Kentucky basketball fans set fire to 19 couches in
the streets of Lexington in a a demonstration of frustration over
losing the NCAA tournament.

                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Quotations of the week
:
"They're very dumb."
                                       
Matthew E. Taylor, Washington State University pro-
                                            fessor of artificial intelligence, speaking of robots



"An Irish ewe tupped by a goat was raising her geep like a lamb."
                                                                                                        – Anthony Lydgate, in Harper's

Quotation of the weak
(give a ditz a robe, and she will pontificate):
"Unmanned drones are functionally incapable of seizing a person.  They are designed
 to kill, not capture."
                                     – U.S. District Court Judge Rosemary Collyer,  denying a
                                        4th Amendment "unreasonable search and seizure" claim
                                        filed by the families of three Americans killed in Yemen


Quotations of the Wheat:
"Greed never sleeps."
                                        – Leonard Simon

Misnomers that need a nap: "modeling industry"


Birthdays:
Amy Goodman, 57
Kate Heyhoe, 59
Janis Ian, "lesbian/folk rocker," 63
Jack Casady, 70
Mousketeer Darlene, 73
Ellen ("I don't really have anything to say") Goodman, 73
Paul Krassner, 82
Hugh Hefner, 88
Wojciech Bogus³awski (1757-1829)
"Singers":
Junior Samples (1926-1983)

Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Princess Anne  recommended  gassing  the  badgers  of
Gloucestershire. . . . Bags of mountain air were shipped
to pollution-ridden
Zhengzhou, China.  . . .  A bill in the
South Carolina legislature to designate the wooly mam-
moth the state fossil was hung up with an amendment to
add  that it was  "created on the sixth day along with the
beasts of the field.". . . A burial ground for lesbians only
was designated in Berlin. .  .  . George W. Bush was ac-
cused of plagiarizing Google images in his portrait pain-
tings
of world leaders. .  .  . Vandals were turning Smart
Cars upside down in San Francisco. . . . Rolling Stone's
April 24 cover shows the bare back of Julia Louis-Drey-
fus with the Constitution printed on it, over the signature
of John Hancock (who, children, you will recall, did not
sign the U.S. Constitution). . . . A write-in candidate for
Congress in Iowa posted a YouTube ad flashing a hand
gun and threatening to "blow your balls off."
        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Raw Story, AP]


Dear Eleanor:
I am a 13-year-old girl whose best friend (I'll call her "Blue")
has become very rude and even annoying.  I  can  no  longer
make a comment about something without her answering nas-
tily or adding logic to imaginary scenarios that aren't intended
to be logical.  It's irritating.

We have another friend, "Violet," who is creative and loves to
draw.  So do I.  But when I showed Blue a picture I had done,
she said, "Violet is way better than you are."  This hurt my feel-
ings and made me angry.  I told Violet, she said Blue had been
rude and annoying to her, too.

We don't want to offend Blue or lose her as a friend, but frank-
ly, we can't handle her anymore. What should we do?

                                                                            Red in Nevada
Dear Red:
                    I am curious (call me "Yellow").  Why do you not want to
                    lose this fiend friend?


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from galey @ verizon.net
        titled "My panties were quqyc."


Scrumble (the first reader to report all correct answers will get a free subscrip-
                tion to Tabloid Headlines – transferable to a friend or relative!):

He couldn't run for office again because of his _________ ___________: Senator, they'll still vote for you; I just don't have the energy; It's in your blood; LUAUNUS, CATTEROOD, CRESTLEY, MINNIFEE
He couldn't run for office again because of his _________ ___________: Senator, they'll still vote for you; I just don't have the energy; It's in your blood; LUAUNUS, CATTEROOD, CRESTLEY, MINNIFEE


DISCUSSION GROUP:


      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Greenlee Goins.


This week's movie:  "Fell from Heaven."

           


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 6, 2014:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket  –  this week's headlines:


How she's fooling America: Ellen is Queen of Mean, Diva tantrums, cruel & heartless, can't stand kids (Enquirer); Prince Harry: 'Who's my real daddy?' demands Charles take DNA tests (Globe)
How she's fooling America: Ellen is Queen of Mean, Diva tantrums, cruel & heartless, can't stand kids (Enquirer); Prince Harry: 'Who's my real daddy?' demands Charles take DNA tests (Globe)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Jeanie Ruckle wrote Sun 3/30/14 @10:24 CDT:
"Fairy" housing?
Sorry.  Intentional typo.  We just couldn't resist.  – Ed.


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 3/30/14 @07:08 PDT:

May God bless Edwin Kagin.

Dumb news from Indiana
:

The FBI was removing 
artifacts  from 91-year-old Donald Miller's pri-
vate museum in southwestern Rush County, west of Moscow, including
arrowheads,  Ming dynasty jade, and a chunk of concrete from Hitler's
bunker.
                                                             [courtesy Rushville Republican]
Indiana led the nation in meth lab seizures last year, according to FBI
and state statistics, with 1,800 busts, followed by Tennessee with 1,-
500 and Missouri with 1,400 (Kentucky, where meth is a way of life
– and death – did not make the list).
. . .

A school bus got stuck in the mud on a flooded city street in Muncie
(firemen rescued 16 students).
                                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Two Valparaiso men started a campaign  on  Clutterbook  Facebook
to change the Indiana state bird from the cardinal  (which is the state
bird also of Kentucky,
Illinois, Ohio,Virginia,West Virginia and North
Carolina
)  to the white-breasted nuthatch.

                                                [courtesy Fort Wayne News-Sentinel]

Kaneisha Shaniqua Wofford, BF, unauthorized use of motor vehicle
Kaneisha Shaniqua Wofford, BF, unauthorized use of motor vehicle
                                            [courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Pineville man being chased by state police for speeding parked his car,
jumped into the Cumberland River  in Bell County,  and refused to come
out. When he was extracted an hour later by two troopers wearing flota-
tion vests, he was arrested for wanton endangerment, DUI,  reckless dri-
ving, speeding, menacing,  fleeing on foot (they couldn't find illegal tread-
ing of water in the book), resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, driving with
an expired license plate, driving with expired registration, driving with no
insurance, criminal mischief and driving with an open container of alcohol-
ic beverage.
                                                                [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Read more here: http://www.kentucky.com/2014/04/02/3174575/pineville-man-jumps-in-river-refuses.html?sp=/99/164/#storylink=cpy

"KFC"  (formerly "Kentucky Fried Chicken")  for the second year in a
row trailed Chick-fil-A in U.S. sales,  although KFC continued to lead
globally.  Chick-fil-A, based in Atlanta, Georgia, maintained its primary
presence in the South.
                                                        [courtesy Christian Science Monitor]

Lexington's most wanted: Marianne Young, WF, 36, 5'4", 134 lbs; Holly Newsome, WF, 28, 5'3", 185 lbs; Tammy Garrett, WF, 49, 5'4", 160 lbs
Lexington's most wanted: Marianne Young, WF, 36, 5'4", 134 lbs; Holly Newsome, WF, 28, 5'3", 185 lbs; Tammy Garrett, WF, 49, 5'4", 160 lbs
                         [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Quotation of the week:
"My gast was flabbered."
                                               A. C. Grayling, describing his experience at a "creation" museum


Quotation of the weak (give a ditz or a numbnock a typewriter, and they'll punch it):
"A tree trimmer was rushed to a Pittsburgh hospital with a chain saw blade embedded
  in his neck."
                              – The Associated Press  (chain saws don't have  blades,
                                
folks; they have bars wrapped with sawtoothed chains)

"My pleasure."
                            – John Burnett, of National Public Radio, after delivering a report on the mass
                               shooting at Fort Hood (give a numbnock a microphone and he'll speak into it)

Quotations of the Wheat
:
"Where there's a will, there's an inheritance."
                                                                                      – Leonard Simon

April fools:
Rachel Maddow, 41
Samuel Alito, 64
Ali MacGraw, 75
Debbie Reynolds, 82

Other birthdays in the last week:
Jamie Spears, 23
Jane Goodall, 80
Wally Moon, 84
Doris Day, 90

Misnomers that need a nap:  "agriculture industry" – Mandalit del Barco, National Public Radio


Borf
's weekly BONUS:
  Michelle Obama in the South Lawn garden at the White House (Jack Gruber, USA Today)
Michelle Obama in the South Lawn garden at the White House (Jack Gruber, USA Today)
The Belgian newspaper De Morgen ran photos of Michelle
and Barack Obama  photoslopped  as  apes  (Michelle did
not do herself much good on this score by crawling through
her garden for a USA Today photographer). .  .  .  Donald
Rumsfeld said an ape could do better  than Obama dealing
with Hamed Karazai. . . . Students and professors at Mon-
tana Tech of the University of Montana (that's the name of
the school, folks, not "Montana Institute of Technology" or
anything fancy like that;  it  used  to be the "
Montana State
School of Mines"
)  planned to boycott commencement  as
two creationists were scheduled to deliver the address. . . .
A 14-year-old Pennsylvania boy published a study suggest-
ing that the government could save millions of dollars a year
in printing costs by switching to a thinner type face that uses
less ink. . . .Turkey, having failed to suppress Twitter, block-
ed YouTube. . . . Guinea banned bat soup. . . . Darth Vader
announced his candidacy for president of the Ukraine.  .  . .
The U.S. was reported to be  supplying  Yemen  with  crop
dusters for targeted killings. . . .  Cameo Crispi, 31, was ar-
rested in Utah for burning  bacon  in an attempt to set fire to
her boy friend's home. . . .  A dozen sheep herded by a dog
visited the Louvre in a French farm protest. . . . A 40-centi-
meter-long  rat  chased a Swedish family's cat out of the kit-
chen. . . ."WikiLeaks" joined "Stompie," "McDonald," "Pep-
permint,"  "Woodstock" and "Grammophon"  among  names
for babies prohibited by German courts. .  .  . Lorraine Mae
Rafferty, a candidate for the Republican nomination for gov-
ernor of Oregon, said she views same-sex marriage as a sin
on par with murder; and Phil Berger Jr., a candidate for Re-
publican nomination for Congress in North Carolina, told a
sixth grader that same-sex marriage is "like a man marrying
a dog
." .  .  . The Australian High Court recognized a "third
gender
." . . .  National Public Radio admitted that its report
on hoodies for cats was an April Fool's joke.
[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, NBC, Huffington Post, Raw Story, AP]

New entrant in Penis with Ears Lookalike Contest, Phillip Carter, senior fellow, Center for a New American Security
New entrant in Penis with Ears Lookalike Contest, Phillip Carter, senior fellow, Center for a New American Security
The sports:
New York Yankees second baseman  Daniel Murphy
was lambasted by sportscasters for taking three days'
paternity leave at the beginning of the baseball season
(former National Football League quarterback "Boom-
er" Esiason said Murphy should have forced his wife
to have a C-section before the season started). . . .

The rights to freedom of speech and religion,  to equal
protection of the laws,  not to be subjected to discrimi-
nation on the basis of race, color or national origin, not
to be deprived of liberty or property without due proc-
ess of law – and,  snowboarding.  Snowboarders  have
brought a 14th Amendment  suit  against a ski resort in
Utah alleging discrimination in the prohibition of snow-
boards in the name of skier safety. . . .

The NCAA basketball "Final Four" were not on televi-
sion.  Is this why they call it "March madness"?  The fi-
nal two will be on TV tomorrow night (CBS). You could
have seen the final  four  in  person  in Arlington, Texas
(for upward of $300 a seat), or on cable or satellite (TBS),
or "on line" – but not on television.

This week's movie:  Sure things.

            Ally Bank commercial sure things
Ally Bank commercial sure things


Dear Eleanor:

My parents are both in their 80's and don't get around well any
more.  Dad has a history of verbal (sometimes physical) abuse,
and Mom has always put up with it.   Recently  Mom has been
cornering family members and telling them  how  crazy  Dad is,
that  he screams at her all the time,   hits her with his cane,  and
pinches her.  We had a domestic relations  case  worker  come
to the house when Dad wasn't home,  and  Mom  told the case
worker that everything was fine,  and  not  to come back.  She
told me Dad would be upset if he found out.

My mother is in better physical shape  than Dad,  and I'm quite
sure she could hurt him  if  she  chose  to.  But she is becoming
forgetful and making mental errors.  She blames it on living with
Dad.  My father cannot deal with her mind going;  so he yells at
her even more.  Despite that,  she continues to make him dinner,
put on his shoes, and help him get around.   My wife and I have
begged her to come live with us,  but she refuses.

She wants us to tell Dad's doctor that he is crazy.  I  don't think
he's  crazy.  He's a depressed man whose  body  is  failing.  He
was prescribed antidepressants,  but he won't take them. Mom
tells Dad that she's sick of him, and he says he can't stand look-
ing at her.  But  apparently they can't live  without  each  other.
Any advice?
                                                                                                Help
Dear Helpless:
                            Sounds to me like you could sell tickets.  May the
                            best codger win.



Hey, Flo, are you still America's sweetheart?  Lily



Unopened e-mail last week included a message from mikelaatz @ telkomsa.net
        titled "My Surname is jyvymut."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Cameo Crispi.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue


Archives index
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210          War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  (270) 597-2187      Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher      Natty Bumppo, writer/editor