August 26, 2018:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the week's
headlines
:

Angelina loses, the kids choose Brad (Enquirer); Husband No. 4, Angie marrying again, he's an English billionaire (In Touch); L.A. Chinese nightclub hostess Marianna Liu, Nixon's secret mistress tells all after 44 years (Globe); Frank Sinatra murdered Marilyn Monroe (Examiner); Bruce Lee body stolen by Chinese gangsters (Globe); Harry 'over the moon', Two girls for Meghan, 'We're naming them Diana and Elizabeth' (Life & Style)
Angelina loses, the kids choose Brad (Enquirer); Husband No. 4, Angie marrying again, he's an English billionaire (In Touch); L.A. Chinese nightclub hostess Marianna Liu, Nixon's secret mistress tells all after 44 years (Globe); Frank Sinatra murdered Marilyn Monroe (Examiner); Bruce Lee body stolen by Chinese gangsters (Globe); Harry 'over the moon', Two girls for Meghan, 'We're naming them Diana and Elizabeth' (Life & Style)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 8/19/18 @09:13 EDT:
I heard there was a young lawyer named Don Mc-
Ghan
who just passed the bar in Illinois and chan-
ged his name to
Chingachgook.

Unisex name of the week:  Dale.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Two Amish women in their 70's pleaded guilty to practicing
midwifery without a license  in
Adams County;  allegations
included use of veterinary medicine in childbirth. . . .

Star Wars actor Adam Driver, featured in the new film BlacK-
KKlansman
, made waves telling about Ku Klux Klan activity
in his childhood home town Mishawaka, in northern Indiana.
Meanwhile,  the Klan scheduled a  "kookout"  next month in
Madison, in Southern Indiana. . . .

Some Purdue University students walked out of an orientation
performance  by  comedian  Andy  Gross,  which  they  found
gross.
   
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]
matthash.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Matthew Coop, WM, 5' 10", 155 lbs, probation viol. (fraud); Ashley Lema, WF, 5'5", 120 lbs, marijuana, meth, legend drug injection device; Nathan Smith, WM, 5'9", 145 lbs, habitual traffic offender, failure to appear; Jaymi Oler, WF, 5'3", 145 lbs, theft x2; Berrien County, Michigan's: April Sharee Leatherwood, BF, assault with dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
matthash.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Matthew Coop, WM, 5' 10", 155 lbs, probation viol. (fraud); Ashley Lema, WF, 5'5", 120 lbs, marijuana, meth, legend drug injection device; Nathan Smith, WM, 5'9", 145 lbs, habitual traffic offender, failure to appear; Jaymi Oler, WF, 5'3", 145 lbs, theft x2; Berrien County, Michigan's: April Sharee Leatherwood, BF, assault with dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Regulators abandoned a rule requiring schoolteachers to ac-
quire master's degrees within 10 years of their first employ-
ment. . . .

A bill was filed in the legislature to require the posting of
"In God We Trust" in "prominent locations" in all public
schools. . . .

New statutes already on the books include  one 
requiring
public middle and high schools to provide  instruction  on
the  Holocaust  and other genocides  and  one 
specifically
criminalizing shitting, pissing or spitting on a cop. . . .

A Lexington priest launched his own spaghetti sauce, "Miss
Marie's
,"  named after his mother  (and made from her reci-
pe). . . .

The state fair's  "ham  what  am"  was auctioned off for $2,-
800,000. . . .

The Heaven Hill distillery, of Bardstown, sued Bob Dylan's
Heaven's Door whiskeys, in Chicago, Illinois, for trademark
infringement.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

       kellyvic.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Kelly Rady, WF, 42,, 5'9", 180 lbs, upsmithery; Victoria Turner, WF, 36, 5'3", 102 lbs, smobery; Rachel Pelfrey, 33, robbery (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
kellyvic.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Kelly Rady, WF, 42,, 5'9", 180 lbs, upsmithery; Victoria Turner, WF, 36, 5'3", 102 lbs, smobery; Rachel Pelfrey, 33, robbery (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
padperp6.jpg Perps in Paducah: James L. Burkeen, 58; Taryn D. Ridgeway, 32; Arnita Martin, 49; Audrionna Wiggins, 25 (McCracken County Sheriff)
padperp6.jpg Perps in Paducah: James L. Burkeen, 58; Taryn D. Ridgeway, 32; Arnita Martin, 49; Audrionna Wiggins, 25 (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotations of the week:
                                       
"To lift ideas from one person is called plagiarism; to lift from many is called
                                          research."
                                                            – Boswell Rabbitsmith
                                                                                                          "Truth isn't truth."
                                                                                                                                            Rudolph Giulani
Quotations of the weak:
                                   
       "ubiquous"
                                                                – Claudia Rankine, poet and author, on NPR (@2:12)

           "That is where my career really took a drastic 160-degree turnaround."

                                                                                    – Aretha Franklin (in a 1999 interview repeated on Nation-
                                                                                       al Public Radio's Fresh Air last Sunday (about 15:04)


            "America . . . was never that great. . . .  Of course, America is great."
                                                                                                                               Andrew Cuomo

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 19, 2015):
"Married men don't live longer; it just seems that way to them."

– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Trolly Stop.


Dept. of correct speech:
In a five-minute interview on National Public Radio,
Hawaii Governor David Ige made four  men
tions  of
"Hawaii island"  and none of the "big island" or
"Big
island," or "main island" or "Main island."


Birthdays:
                    August 20:  Robert Plant, 70
                                        Ron Paul, 83

                                        Don King, 87
                    August 21:  Usain Bolt, 32

                                        Amy Fisher, 44
                                        Kenny Rogers, 80
                   
August 22:  Carl Yastrzemski, 79
                                        Honor Blackman, 93
                                        Holly Dunn (1959-2016)
                    August 23:  Mark Russell, 86
                                        Barbara Eden, 87
                                        Vera Miles, 89
                    August 24: 
Mason Williams, 80
                                       
Mike Huckabee, 63
                    August 25:  Regis Philbin, 87
                                        Sean Connery, 88
                                        Leonard Bernstein (1918-1990)
                                        Ivan the Terrible (1530-1584)
                    August 26:  Macaulay Culkin, 38
Deaths:
                John McCain, 81
                Robin Leach, 76
                Mary M. Woods Goffner Brown, 92
                Maudine Womack, 91
                                                                                  [Louisville Courier-Journal]
jenbryun.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jennifer Karen Jesse, WF, 39, 5'0", 140 lbs, probation violation (burglary); Bryanua Chapel Carr, BF, a/k/a Bre, 34, 5'8", 145 lbs, tattooed shoulder, domestic violence; Cassandra Ann Mitchell-Hamilton, BF, a/k/a Precious A. Belmont, 28, 5'7", 247 lbs, Yorkshire hog, tattoos right leg, neck, chest, right thigh ("Tyrea" w/wheat & rose), back ("Frank"), left ankle ("Danalie"), probation vol. (marijuana dist.); Laurette Joanna Sophia Patterson, WF, 30, 5'3", 145 lbs, prob. viol. (theft) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
jenbryun.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jennifer Karen Jesse, WF, 39, 5'0", 140 lbs, probation violation (burglary); Bryanua Chapel Carr, BF, a/k/a Bre, 34, 5'8", 145 lbs, tattooed shoulder, domestic violence; Cassandra Ann Mitchell-Hamilton, BF, a/k/a Precious A. Belmont, 28, 5'7", 247 lbs, Yorkshire hog, tattoos right leg, neck, chest, right thigh ("Tyrea" w/wheat & rose), back ("Frank"), left ankle ("Danalie"), probation vol. (marijuana dist.); Laurette Joanna Sophia Patterson, WF, 30, 5'3", 145 lbs, prob. viol. (theft) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
"Gender neutral" bathrooms were installed at North Kansas City High
School (where a "trans" student was crowned homecoming "queen" in
2015) in Missouri,  in two sixth grade centers  and in two new elemen-
tary schools. . . . Actress Asia Argento, 42, one of Harvey Weinstein's
accusers,  paid a settlement to a young male actor who accused her of
sexually assaulting him when he was 17. . . . The Miami Herald endor-
sed a candidate for Congress who said she boarded an alien space ship
when she was 7 and has been communicating with extraterrestrials ev-
er since. . . . Ordained Baptist minister Omarosa Manigault Newman's
Unhinged, a memoir about her time as a reality-TV star and Trump ad-
ministration employee, wrote that President Trump is "just on this side
of functionally literate,"  liked appointing generals to White House po-
sitions because it made him look "bad-ass," nicknamed Education Sec-
retary Betsy DeVos  "Ditzy DeVos,"  called Attorney General Jeff Ses-
sions "truly great" and "world class legal mind" but referred to him as
"Benjamin  Button"  behind  his  back,  alluded to "wonderful person"
press secretary Sean Spicer as "Men's Wearhouse" and son-in-law and
senior adviser Jared Kushner as "a little sweet," called Kellyanne Con-
way’s husband George "FLIP"  and "Goo-Goo,"  deemed his son Don-
ald Trump Jr. "a fuck=up" and labeled the prime minister of Monteneg-
ro  a  "whiny punk bitch"  after shoving him out of the way at a NATO
summit group photo. . . . PETA persuaded Nabisco to release the Anim-
al Crackers from their cages. . . . DNA research revealed that penguins
do not mate for life. . . .Two federal air marshals were removed from a
United Air Lines flight in Minneapolis, Minnesota, for toting guns. . . .
A lawyer for Aerosmith's Steven Tyler sent  a  "cease and desist"  letter
to the White House with a demand to stop using his songs at Trump ral-
lies. . . .  A woman was killed by her own dog in Cincinnati,  Ohio;  po-
lice  found  the woman in her home with the dog standing over her  and
shot the dog to death when  it  lunged  at  them,  and one of their bullets
struck the dead woman.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

    camachzo.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Adan Cavazos, WM, 68, fake auto lic.; [escaped before we could write her ID]; Crhistina Camacho, WF, 39, mobery; Rhonda Wyatt, WF, 31, inj. child, eld.; Marimar Aviles, WF, 23, mobery; Samantha Skains, WF, 27, burglary; Desirée Timms, WF, 27, possession, NOL; Holly Coats, WF, 19, mobery
camachzo.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Adan Cavazos, WM, 68, fake auto lic.; [escaped before we could write her ID]; Crhistina Camacho, WF, 39, mobery; Rhonda Wyatt, WF, 31, inj. child, eld.; Marimar Aviles, WF, 23, mobery; Samantha Skains, WF, 27, burglary; Desirée Timms, WF, 27, possession, NOL; Holly Coats, WF, 19, mobery
     [Note: Those listed as charged with "mobery" actually had charges listed "misc. comm.," but we don't know what
       that means. Can anyone help us?]


The sports:
Pro golfer Kevin Stadler slammed his club into the turf
and his foot in a tournament in  Portland,  Oregon;  the
club  shattered,  and a piece of it his a spectator  in  the
head,  requiring six stitches.

Dear Eleanor:

                           
It is important to have etiquette on  the  phone,
                            no matter with whom you are speaking.  When
                            you  take  the time to call someone but the per-
                            son is preoccupied,  talks over you,  or  doesn't
                            say  "Excuse  me"  when  someone in the room
                            is speaking to them  while you're on the phone,
                            it's only normal to want to end the call.

                            This has been happening to me with family my
                            whole  life.  I have finally started  speaking  up
                            about how much it bothers me, only to be told,
                            "Well, if someone is talking to me what do you
                            want me to do?" or "If I'm needed what do you
                            want me to do?"  I tell these people to say "ex-
                            cuse me"  or  that  we should talk another time.
                            This happened to me today;  and I said, "I can't
                            do this any more." 
Then I hung up.

                            Another pet peeve of mine is talking to someone
                            who parrots back the information.   I have asked
                            family members so many times 
not to do a play-
                            by-play on the phone,  but it hasn't helped.  It  is
                            a huge hardship   and can be completely  depres-
                            sing  and  stressful  to call.  Because  it's  family,
                            you  just  know  that it will never end  if it hasn't
                            by  now.  So to the families and friends guilty of
                            this:   You know who you are.  Please be consid-
                            erate when you are on the phone with someone.

                                                                      No More Calls for Me
Dear NoMo:
                        You got it backward,  Honey Bee.  It  is  the  caller
                       
who is rude,  not the person called.  When you call
                        someone on the telephone, unless it is a regular call
                        or prearranged,  you are interrupting them.  You do
                        not know whether you will catch them on the stool,
                        or  sleeping,  or taking a shower,  or in a card game
                        or conversation with guests,  or fucking a neighbor.
                        If you hear the  slightest  hesitation  or  discomfort,
                        you apologize and hang up.

                        By all accounts Alexander Graham Bell was a polite
                        man;  and he probably didn't suspect that  his  inven-
                        tion would become the rudest medium known to hu-
                        mankind  (which it still is).   It  demands  immediate
                        attention.  Not even the "fax" or "IM" or e-mail with
                        a "You got mail" beep holds a candle.

                        Now let's put the shoes on the other foots.   Did  you
                        ever get a phone call from  a  "telemarketer"?   (Tom
                        Papa would say, "I have").  Be polite, remember. Ad-
                        here to your code.   Ask them "please" to hold if you
                        are distracted,  by breast-feeding your baby,  or pick-
                        ing your nose,  or waiting for the coffee to boil.   Do
                        not,  by any
means,  ever hang up  on a telemarketer.
                        They're only doing  their  jobs.  That goes for record-
                        ed robocalls as well.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
"yulida@rs-jih.co.id"
        titled "Brand new way of stopping erectile disfunction!  Magic product???"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include J. Ewing, Honk-
in de Spain and Connie Harbeson.

lifeevol.jpg "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" Life Saver Dude: Uh, er, perhaps this was the beginning of evolution
lifeevol.jpg "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" Life Saver Dude: Uh, er, perhaps this was the beginning of evolution


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



August 19, 2018:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the week's
headlines
:

Courtroom showdown, Tom gets Suri, How he blindsided Katie after years apart, will child be forced back into Scientology? (Enquirer); As cops close in, Wagner loots Natalie's grave (Enquirer); Meghan & Harry adopt American baby (Globe); World religious leaders admit they like silly hats and frilly little gowns (Onion); Vatican on sex abuse report: 'Listen no normal person would be a priest!' (Onion); TV's PAW Patrol writers defend episode in which German Shepherd shoots unarmed Black Lab in back (Onion)
Courtroom showdown, Tom gets Suri, How he blindsided Katie after years apart, will child be forced back into Scientology? (Enquirer); As cops close in, Wagner loots Natalie's grave (Enquirer); Meghan & Harry adopt American baby (Globe); World religious leaders admit they like silly hats and frilly little gowns (Onion); Vatican on sex abuse report: 'Listen no normal person would be a priest!' (Onion); TV's PAW Patrol writers defend episode in which German Shepherd shoots unarmed Black Lab in back (Onion)

Unisex name of the week:  Frankie.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A worker at an animal shelter in Rockport said she was instruc-
ted to put kittens in plastic bags and then into a freezer to euth-
anize
them (here's your dead cat photo, Jan). . . .

One hundred nine Indiana University students were  living  in
residence hall lounges as a record freshman class overwhelm-
ed the dormitories. . . .

Teen-agers were suspected in the spray-painting of swastikas,
upside down roses and genitalia at a retirement community in
Floyds Knobs and on Floyd County school buses. . . .

Twenty-two headstones were toppled in a cemetery in Morris-
town that holds remains as old as Revolutionary War veterans,
in the second such incident in a year. . . .

A guidance counselor at a Catholic high school in Indianapolis
found her job in jeopardy after she admitted that she  got  mar-
ried to a woman.
   
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

shaunjon.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Shaun Custard, WM, 6'0", 190 lbs, theft, invasion; Gregory Masteller, WM, 5'10", 170 lbs, child molesting; Jonathan Aantwon Robinson, BM, armed robbery; Rachelle Moore, BF, larceny in a building (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
shaunjon.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Shaun Custard, WM, 6'0", 190 lbs, theft, invasion; Gregory Masteller, WM, 5'10", 170 lbs, child molesting; Jonathan Aantwon Robinson, BM, armed robbery; Rachelle Moore, BF, larceny in a building (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A snake-handler preacher in Middlesboro was bitten in the ear
by a rattlesnake he held aloft four years after his father,  also a
preacher, died from a snake bite ("I'm not worried," he told the
congregation, bleeding profusely; "God's a healer";  but he had
to be carried out of the church to a hospital.

                                                                 [courtesy Daily Mail]

A  Louisville  man  sentenced to 35 years for robbery won a re-
versal in the state Supreme Court after one of the jurors remem-
bered that the man had  once  robbed  him  when he was a bank
teller. . . .

A 2-year-old Louisville boy shot himself in the head and died. . . .

A mule had a foal in Boyle County. . . .

A 22-year-old man arrested for public intoxication  walking  the
streets of Pikeville told police he
was looking for his light saber
he had dropped the night before. . . .

The Estill County High School girls soccer coach was suspended
on accusation of sending  pornographic  photos  of himself to one
of his players,  via Snatchcrap Snapchat.  And then he was arrest-
ed, for rape.
                                                                             [courtesy LEX18]

jeremyun.jpg Jeremy Masters, WM, 29, 5'10", 180 lbs, hell in a handbasket; unidentified, unsaid, unsaid, unsaid, apprehended? Good thing - she looks dangerous; Robert (sic) Martin, BM (sic), 36, 6'1", 185 lbs, arrested on mere suspicion (and curiosity); Dajour Bond, BM, 27, 5'9", 165 lbs, suspicious name (dragged kicking and acreaming from the Herald-Leader)
jeremyun.jpg Jeremy Masters, WM, 29, 5'10", 180 lbs, hell in a handbasket; unidentified, unsaid, unsaid, unsaid, apprehended? Good thing - she looks dangerous; Robert (sic) Martin, BM (sic), 36, 6'1", 185 lbs, arrested on mere suspicion (and curiosity); Dajour Bond, BM, 27, 5'9", 165 lbs, suspicious name (dragged kicking and acreaming from the Herald-Leader)
padperp.5.jpg Barbara Wilson, 47; Lori J. Hall, 55; Richard K. Turner, 46; Latisha M. Flemons, 36 (McCracken County Sheriff)
padperp.5.jpg Barbara Wilson, 47; Lori J. Hall, 55; Richard K. Turner, 46; Latisha M. Flemons, 36 (McCracken County Sheriff)


Quotation of the week:
                                             " 'Yes, dear,' is an acknowledgment without an admission."
                                                                                                                                                  
– Hank T. Hebhoe
                                                                                                                                                       
Quotation of the weak:
                                         "infraired radiation"
                                                                             – Karen  Piper,  professor of literature  and author of A
                                                                                Girl's Guide to Missiles
,  on  National Public Radio's
                                                                                Fresh Air (about 3:55 – she was trying to say "infrared")
                                          "Pizza is my life."
                                                                           Steve Ritchie, new CEO of Papa John's

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Nothing's too difficult for the poor."
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  DankeChain Oktoberfest.


Stupid business slogans:  "Now, that's Progressive!"


New buzz word that needs circulation:  "femail":  E-mail from a woman.


Birthdays:
                    August 13:  Dave "Baby" Cortez, 80
                                       Jim "Mudcat" Grant, 83
                                       Fidel Castro (1926-2016)
                    August 14:  Tim Tebow, 31
                                        Gary Larson, 68
                                       
Maddy Prior, 71
                                        Steve Martin, 73
                                        Connie Smith, 77
                                        David Crosby, 77
                                        Darrell "Dash" Crofts, 78
                   
August 15:  Jennifer Lawrence, 28
                                        Princess Anne, 68
                                        Jimmy Webb, 72
                    August 16:  Rumer Willis, 30
                                        Madonna, 60
                                        Julie Newmar, 85
                                        Ann Blyth, 90
                    August 17: 
Robert De Niro, 75
                                       
John "Boog" Powell, 77
                                       
Mir Mahboob Ali Khan, 6th Nizam of Hyderabad (1866-1911)
                    August 18:  Robert Redford, 82
                                        Roman Polanski, 85
                                        Rosalynn Carter, 91
                    August 19: 
Bill Clinton, 72
                                        Debra Paget, 85
Deaths:
                V. S. Naipaul, 85
                Kofi Annan, 80
                Aretha Franklin, 76
                Geroge Brown, 36
                Stamper James C., 64
               
Lucille Gibson Bryant Yates Crawford, 93
                Charlotte Y. Hendrix Lesshafft James, 89
 
                                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]
erndeleo.jpg Arrested in Abilene: Ernest Edwin Foster, WM, 58, 5'10", 130 lbs, injury to a child; Mary Elizabeth Deleon, HF, 4o0, 5'6", 140 lbs, burglary
erndeleo.jpg Arrested in Abilene: Ernest Edwin Foster, WM, 58, 5'10", 130 lbs, injury to a child; Mary Elizabeth Deleon, HF, 4o0, 5'6", 140 lbs, burglary

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Some Parisians  were
peeved at the outdoor
"urinoirs"  placed  on
some city streets. . . .
Hours  after being ar-
rested   for  domestic
violence in American
Fork Canyon, Utah, a
man  crashed  a small


plane into his house  (he died, but his wife and son escaped unharm-
ed). . . .  A 14-year-old boy was among the losers in Vermont's Dem-
ocratic primary election for governor. . . . Three king cobras, six ven-
omous Gila monsters, seven species of turtles and more than 300 oth-
er reptiles were seized from a home in Allegany, New York. . . . Brit-
ney  Spears  was ordered to pay Kevin Federline  $110,000  in  child
support. . . . One patron shot another in a barber shop in Suffolk, Vir-
ginia,  in an argument over whether  Halle  Berry  would play Aretha
Franklin in the movies (Jennifer Hudson got the role). . . .Police used
a Taser on an 87-year-old woman who does not speak English for not
following their orders to desist as she cut dandelions with a knife out-
side a boys and girls club in Chatsworth, Georgia.

                                                            [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
                            My cousin, who is two years younger than I, is
                            pregnant.  Last week I found out she's been tell-
                            ing people I am the father.   The two of us went
                            on an overnight road trip to visit our grandmoth-
                            er about the time her baby was conceived.   This
                            trip was well documented on  her  social  media.
                            How do I get her to stop telling people  I am the
                            father?   And how do I address people thinking I
                            slept with her?
                                                                                          Baby Trip
Dear Daddy-O:
                              You didn't sleep with her?  I  heard you did.

tommylau.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Tommy Jay McCorkle36, 62, 160 lbs, 5'7", failure to compley with registration requirements; Laura Lopez Martinez, 34, 140 lbs, 5'0", surety off bond, assault on public servant; Ashley L. Donathan, 29, 130 lbs, 5'5", bond revocation, manufacture/delivery controlled substance; Zachary Scott Hill, 24, 160 lbs, 5'7", sex offenders duty to register 10 years with previous conviction, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week
tommylau.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Tommy Jay McCorkle36, 62, 160 lbs, 5'7", failure to compley with registration requirements; Laura Lopez Martinez, 34, 140 lbs, 5'0", surety off bond, assault on public servant; Ashley L. Donathan, 29, 130 lbs, 5'5", bond revocation, manufacture/delivery controlled substance; Zachary Scott Hill, 24, 160 lbs, 5'7", sex offenders duty to register 10 years with previous conviction, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week
DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include 
Omarosa  Mani-
gault-Newman.

ramiroro.jpg Locked up in San Angelo:: Douglas Rogers, 38, crim. trespass; Jeanne Froseth, 38, crim. trres.; Britni Dozier, 29, marijua; Ramiro Maldonado-Trevino, 35, Upside down ears (fed. viol.); Heather Spataro, 36, pos.; Heather Saunders, 32, poss.; Isabel Estrada, 42, no license, no ins.; Daniel Delacerda, 38, susp. thug (Tom Green County Texas Sheriff)
ramiroro.jpg Locked up in San Angelo:: Douglas Rogers, 38, crim. trespass; Jeanne Froseth, 38, crim. trres.; Britni Dozier, 29, marijua; Ramiro Maldonado-Trevino, 35, Upside down ears (fed. viol.); Heather Spataro, 36, pos.; Heather Saunders, 32, poss.; Isabel Estrada, 42, no license, no ins.; Daniel Delacerda, 38, susp. thug (Tom Green County Texas Sheriff)

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
"Kate Staples"
        titled "To check with you."

 lifejanu.jpg Life Saver Dude: He's not dead - he just likes to take naps on his back
lifejanu.jpg Life Saver Dude: He's not dead - he just likes to take naps on his back

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



August 12, 2018:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the week's
headlines
:

Trump not blaming Hillary for fires puzzles Californians (Borrowitz Report); Inmate tells all, 'I'm Scott Peterson's death row gay lover' (Enquirer); Prince Philip: THE END! Docs give him 90 days to live (Globe); Meghan's drug secret exposed (Enquirer); Angie losing her mind - and losing the kids! (Iin Touch); How real love saved Britney (Us Weekly); New miracle drug cures Alzheimer's (Examiner)
Trump not blaming Hillary for fires puzzles Californians (Borrowitz Report); Inmate tells all, 'I'm Scott Peterson's death row gay lover' (Enquirer); Prince Philip: THE END! Docs give him 90 days to live (Globe); Meghan's drug secret exposed (Enquirer); Angie losing her mind - and losing the kids! (Iin Touch); How real love saved Britney (Us Weekly); New miracle drug cures Alzheimer's (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Honkin de Spain, our regular correspondent among in-
mates at a certain women's prison,  wrote Sun 7/29/18
re this Quotation of the Wheat:
July 2  I dropped a letter and a Tabloid Headlines
page, with my satirical comment,  into  the outgo-
ing mail box. . . .  I  was  responding  to  a  Quote
from the Wheat that was funny as hell to me.   At
10  a.m.  I was called out of commissary line  and
ushered to cell block. . . .  [For  the  rest of the let-
ter, go here.]
Lamanna Osgood wrote Weds 8/8/18 CDT:
They said on CNN that the Department of Justice
was running out of time for Robert Mueller to in-
terview Donald Trump because of  its  rule  to  a-
void doing anything  within a certain time before
an election that might influence the election.  So,
where does that leave what the FBI did to Hillary
Clinton?

Unisex name of the week: 
Sheryl.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A federal judge ordered a high school in Evansville to let a 17-lifeball.jpg Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed" Life Saver Dude: That's severe
year-old "transgender" pupil to use the boys' room. . . .

An 18-year-old was arrested wandering the halls of Muncie
Central High School after hours with 10 knives strapped to
his body
(he was not a pupil at the school). . . .

A 60-year-old man was beaten to death in a  road  rage  inci-
dent in Fort Wayne. . . .

A pickup truck rear-ended a school bus in Indianapolis, injur-
ing one pupil and the drivers of both vehicles. . . .

A freight train struck a 3-year-old boy and his 2-year-old sis-
ter walking down the tracks in Porter County, killing the boy
and critically injuring the girl (he loved trains, and she loved
him). . . .

An Ohio woman driving the  wrong  way  on  I-70 near New
Castle ran her car into one driven by a 19-year-old man,  kil-
ling him.
   
                                             [courtesy Columbus Republic]

nicoljen.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicolas Manriquez, WM, 5'8", 165 lbs, resisting police; Jennifer Caldwell, WF, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth; Clarice Britt, BF, 5'8", 165 lbs, narc & paraph; Lanty Jones, WM, 6'0", 210 lbs, nonsupport; Joshua Cabanaw, WM, 5'11", 190 lbs, parole viol.; Latrice Martin, BF, 5'8", 180 lbs, violation of court order (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
nicoljen.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicolas Manriquez, WM, 5'8", 165 lbs, resisting police; Jennifer Caldwell, WF, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth; Clarice Britt, BF, 5'8", 165 lbs, narc & paraph; Lanty Jones, WM, 6'0", 210 lbs, nonsupport; Joshua Cabanaw, WM, 5'11", 190 lbs, parole viol.; Latrice Martin, BF, 5'8", 180 lbs, violation of court order (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
U.S. marshals were searching Adair County for a Pennsyl-
vania man who threatened President Trump and broke in-to
Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyer's home. . . .

An Über driver was beaten to death by a passenger outside
a hotel in Louisville. . . .

A Mount Vernon woman got tired of waiting for relatives
to take her home from a hospital and drove off by herself
in an ambulance. . . .


Jason Alexander, who played George Costanza on Seinfeld,
will be the new Colonel Sanders  for  KFC  (formerly Ken-
tucky Fried Chicken).
                                                                   [courtesy LEX18]
josangel.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Joseph Wilkerson, WM, 36, 5'10", 190 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," failure to register; Angela Rowe, WF, 52, 5'1", 130 lbs, arguing with bus driver; Joseph Williams, WM, 58, 6'3", 170 lbs, political harassment; Travan Lewis BM, 19, 5'8":, 130 lbs, mobery; Brenda Wyatt, WF, 4i0, 5'6", 140 lbs, noncompliance; Tanisha Anderson, BF, 40, 5'0", 118 lbs, unameridan (pulled kicking and screaming from the Heraldo-Leader)
josangel.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Joseph Wilkerson, WM, 36, 5'10", 190 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," failure to register; Angela Rowe, WF, 52, 5'1", 130 lbs, arguing with bus driver; Joseph Williams, WM, 58, 6'3", 170 lbs, political harassment; Travan Lewis BM, 19, 5'8":, 130 lbs, mobery; Brenda Wyatt, WF, 4i0, 5'6", 140 lbs, noncompliance; Tanisha Anderson, BF, 40, 5'0", 118 lbs, unameridan (pulled kicking and screaming from the Heraldo-Leader)
padperp4.jpg Perps of Paducah: Crystal J. Ross. 37; Audrey Kay Dunn, 29; Delandra J. Stubblefield, 21; Felicia Sockriter, 23 (McCracken County Sheriff)
padperp4.jpg Perps of Paducah: Crystal J. Ross. 37; Audrey Kay Dunn, 29; Delandra J. Stubblefield, 21; Felicia Sockriter, 23 (McCracken County Sheriff)

Quotation of the week
:

        "T
he U.S. government, which has induced regime change in Guatemala, Brazil, Uruguay, Bolivia,
          Chile, Argentina, El Salvador, and Panama and has sought to assassinate leaders in four of those
          countries and repeatedly attempted to assassinate Fidel Castro in Cuba  by hiding poison pills in
          his lover’s cold cream  and infecting his SCUBA suit with fungus denied  that it had anything to
          do with a drone attack on Nicolás Maduro, the president of Venezuela."
                                                                                                                                Harper's magazine
Quotations of the weak:
                                         "You should not arrest me because I am a very clean, thoroughbred white
                                          girl."
                                                        Lauren Elizabeth Cutsha,  32,  cheerleader,  dancer  and
                                                           sorority
girl arrested for DUI in Bluffton, South Carolina

               "California's water is being foolishly diverted into the Pacific Ocean."
                                                                                                                                     President Strump, ex-
                                                                                                                                        plaining the wildfires


Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said February 8, 2015):
"When you have to shit, nothing else matters."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Melvin IPA.


Birthdays:
                    August 6:  Soleil Moon Frye, 42
                                      JonBenét Ramsey (1990-1996)
                    August 7:  Garrison Keillor, 76
                                      Don Larsen, 89
                    August 8:  Connie Stevens, 80
                                      Dustin Hoffman, 81
                    August 9:  Bob Cousy, 90
                                      
Dollie Krahenbuhl, 109
                    August 10:  Kylie Jenner, 21
                                        Ronnie Spector, 75
                                        Rocky Colavito, 85
                                        Rhonda Fleming, 95
                                        John the Blind (1296-1346)
                    August 11:  Terry Bollea ("Hulk Hogan"), 65
                                        Arlene Dahl, 93
                                        Abigail Folger (1943-1969)
                    August 12:  Mark Knopfler, 69
                                        George Soros, 88
Deaths:
                Charlotte Rae, 92
                Stan Mikita, 78
                Tammy Renée Utz, 59
                                                          [Louisville Courier-Journal]
                                        Marc James Reardon III appeared in the Courier's alphabetical obituary list
                                        between Jean Frances Holman and Shawnee G. Jenkins.   It  was  the  "III"
                                        (spelled, as always
by the Courier, "Iii").

kandjess Locked up in San Angelo: Kandice Roys, 27, poss. c.s.; Jessica Villarreal, 36, driving w/o lic.; Angelica Nuñez, 33, possession; Stephanie Chapoy, 26, Yorksire puerco; Latisha Huffman, 29, c.s.; Jessica Manley, 29, possession; Patricia Morgan, 19, poss.; Jamie Hocker, 30, poss.; Tesa Keith, 37, inj. to child, eld.; Rose Martinez, 45, possession; Kris Perez, 26, puerco candidate; Yolanda Valencia, 29, no driver lic.; Brittany Vaugn, 28, cand.; Sarah Garcia, 37, possession; April Garcia 30, family assault (but she didn't hit Sarah); Sherry Carr, 48, escape (Tom Green County Texas Sheriff)
kandjess Locked up in San Angelo: Kandice Roys, 27, poss. c.s.; Jessica Villarreal, 36, driving w/o lic.; Angelica Nuñez, 33, possession; Stephanie Chapoy, 26, Yorksire puerco; Latisha Huffman, 29, c.s.; Jessica Manley, 29, possession; Patricia Morgan, 19, poss.; Jamie Hocker, 30, poss.; Tesa Keith, 37, inj. to child, eld.; Rose Martinez, 45, possession; Kris Perez, 26, puerco candidate; Yolanda Valencia, 29, no driver lic.; Brittany Vaugn, 28, cand.; Sarah Garcia, 37, possession; April Garcia 30, family assault (but she didn't hit Sarah); Sherry Carr, 48, escape (Tom Green County Texas Sheriff)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The city council of West Hollywood, California,  requested that Donald
Trump's star be removed from the Walk of Fame  –  the same day its la-
test vandal was charged. . . .The Duchess of Sussex (you may know her
as Meghan Markle)  exposed her brassiere at the wedding of a friend of
Prince Harry. . . . Saudi  Arabia  gave Canada's ambassador 24 hours to
leave  the  country. . . . A former coal company executive,  who  served
time after 29 miners were killed in an accident in West Virginia and fin-
ished third in the Republican primary election for U.S. senator, was pro-
hibited from running in the general election as  a  third-party  candidate
under the state's "sore loser"  law.
                                                               [courtesy Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
juanrach.jpg Wanted in Waco: Juan Carlos Fabela, a/k/a Carlos Fabela,, HM, 18, 5'7", 160 lbs, attempted murder; Rachele Denise Marriott, WF, 32, 5'2", 170 lbs, probation violation (dangerous drugs); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tanya Delia Rojas, 20, 5'1", 115 lbs, tattoo on left wrist, probation violation (intimidation of witness) (City of Waco, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)
juanrach.jpg Wanted in Waco: Juan Carlos Fabela, a/k/a Carlos Fabela,, HM, 18, 5'7", 160 lbs, attempted murder; Rachele Denise Marriott, WF, 32, 5'2", 170 lbs, probation violation (dangerous drugs); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Tanya Delia Rojas, 20, 5'1", 115 lbs, tattoo on left wrist, probation violation (intimidation of witness) (City of Waco, Sedgwick County (Kansas) Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
                            Recently our beautiful, intelligent, kind, responsi-
                            ble 20-year-old daughter told us  she is  a  lesbian.
                            "Sharon" has been sorting this out alone two years.
                            It breaks my heart.  She told us that she has prayed
                            not to be this way, tried dating men and even came
                            up with a plan to move out of the country. Her fath-
                            er, siblings and I were surprised  but  have  assured
                            her  we are thankful she told us  so she can truly be
                            herself and happy. We love her just the same.

                            But Sharon has not told the rest of the family. Oth-
                            er relatives have made it clear they think gays and
                            lesbians are disturbed  and  disgusting  individuals
                            who are going to Hell. They have even said this to
                            Sharon when she last visited. She told me it felt as
                            if she had been punched in the stomach. Ironically,
                            Sharon's  grandparents  think the sun rises and sets
                            on her.  They have no idea their  divisive,  hateful,
                            dehumanizing  comments  apply  to someone they
                            cherish.

                            Sharon loves her grandparents,  aunts and uncles
                            and  is  terrified  of  how they will respond when
                            they  find  out.  We worry that their rejection will
                            push her into depression.  We'll  stand  with  Sha-
                            ron and pray for the judgmental,  ignorant,  bigot-
                            ed souls to find enlightenment.  Any suggestions?

                                                                            Worried in Wyoming

Dear Why-O:
                            Tell 'em she's "trans."


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "roberto"
        titled "ATTENTION REQUIRED: revolutionary anti-ED
        capsules for a special price!"
and four more messages from
        "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's mes-
        sage and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include Austin Austin.


lifeball.jpg Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed" Life Saver Dude: That's severe
lifeball.jpg Any persons (except players) caught collecting golf balls on this course will be prosecuted and have their balls removed" Life Saver Dude: That's severe

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



August 5, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
:

Inside the canine mind, how dogs think (Time magazine); Homicide detectives reveal chilling new evidence, Natalie Wood beaten to a pulp before she died (Enquirer); Meghan's private hell, under attack by the royals, plus: her first fight with Harry (Life & Style): Charles confesses, Camilla made me kill Diana, hated living in the shadow of the People's Princess (Enquirer); Cop who shot unarmed black man let off with promotion (Onion)
Inside the canine mind, how dogs think (Time magazine); Homicide detectives reveal chilling new evidence, Natalie Wood beaten to a pulp before she died (Enquirer); Meghan's private hell, under attack by the royals, plus: her first fight with Harry (Life & Style): Charles confesses, Camilla made me kill Diana, hated living in the shadow of the People's Princess (Enquirer); Cop who shot unarmed black man let off with promotion (Onion)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Angel Cauffman wrote Thurs 7/25/18 @19:20 EDT:
You have a picture of me that says I am on crime-
stoppers.  I ran my name on there  and  I  am  not.
Please take this down.  It is not accurate.  It is out
of date.  And it is ruining my life.
You are not now, perhaps;  but you weretwice.   And
you are still on TV.   Maybe the reason you are no long-
er on Michiana Crime Stoppers' wanted list is  because
they caught you.    – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  Sidney.

Dumb news from Indiana:

         This billboard, photo-
         graphed  in Colorado,
         was seen also on I-65
         in Indiana.

          [courtesy USA Today]
gopsigns.jpg
A 67-year-old Michigan City man was arrested on 35 counts
of animal neglect when  34 live dogs and one dead one were
taken from his home,  after
  his  wife was taken to a hospital
when she was found covered in feces,  urine,  lice  and mag-
gots on the porch. Police got a search warrant based on com-
plaints of  a  stench  in  the  neighborhood  coming from  the
home.
 
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

kaleytif.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Kaley Carter, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, fraudulent prescription; Tiffany Stahl, BF, 5'4", 150 lbs, violation of court order; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Erica Kay Hebshbritsy (?), BF, child abuse; Anthony Keith Downey, WM, sex ofender failure to register (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
kaleytif.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Kaley Carter, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs, fraudulent prescription; Tiffany Stahl, BF, 5'4", 150 lbs, violation of court order; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Erica Kay Hebshbritsy (?), BF, child abuse; Anthony Keith Downey, WM, sex ofender failure to register (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
                    jessjess.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Jesse Angel, 25, 6'3", 160 lbs, burglary, theft, prob. violation; Jessica English, 30, robbing family dollar store, biting leg of man holding her to prevent her fleeing; Montash Loray Jackson, 20, murder (LEX18, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
jessjess.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Jesse Angel, 25, 6'3", 160 lbs, burglary, theft, prob. violation; Jessica English, 30, robbing family dollar store, biting leg of man holding her to prevent her fleeing; Montash Loray Jackson, 20, murder (LEX18, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
padperp3 Perps of Paducah: Jodi L. Gaine, 34; Shanice N. Snipes,  25; Dawn E. Paulsell, 37; Brittany R. Baker, 37; Autumn R. Hill, 21 (McCracken County Sheriff)
padperp3 Perps of Paducah: Jodi L. Gaine, 34; Shanice N. Snipes,  25; Dawn E. Paulsell, 37; Brittany R. Baker, 37; Autumn R. Hill, 21 (McCracken County Sheriff)

A Hopkinsville couple were arrested for  pissing  in
their hotel room bed,  dumping shit in the air condi-
tioner  and  leaving  the  water  running  (they were
complaining  about  bedbugs  –  which  police  said
were not found   –   and the hotel's refusal to refund
their money. . . .

A motorist  hit  nine  other  cars  trying to force his
way into an exit lane on a freeway in Lexington. . . .

A fireman was arrested for exposing his genitals to
a 10-year-old boy in the men's room  at
a Wal-Mart
in Middlesboro. . . .

A fake ad on Craigslist advertised a hillside cabin
in Fayette County for rent. . . .

A car going 60 miles an hour  crashed into the Silas
Baptist Church in Paris, injuring five worshipers in-
side (the church, not the car).
                                                       [courtesy LEX18]
Quotation of the week:
                                            "Do not allow your children to mix drinks. They use too much
                                              vermouth."
                                                                      – Fran Lebowitz
Quotation of the weak:
                                         "A video showing a man trying to feed a black bear has resulted in the
                                           bear being euthanized."
                                                                                    LEX18  (funny way to spell "executed")


Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said April 2, 2017):
"Two things I hate to hear are a grown man whine and
  a fat woman fart."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Door Kriek.

 
Birthdays:
                    July 30:  Paul Anka, 77
                                   Buddy Guy, 82
                    July 31:  Evonne Goolagong, 67
                                   Kent LaVoie ("Lobo"), 75
                                   Philip the Good (1396-1467)
                    August 1:  Ramblin' Jack Elliott, 87
                                      Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)
                    August 2:  Kathy Lennon, 75
                                      Isabel Allende, 76
                                      Garth Hudson, 81
                                      James Baldwin (1924-1987)
                    August 3:  Tom Brady, 41
                                      Martha Stewart,, 77
                                      Tony Bennett, 92
                    August 4:  The once American Duchess of Sussex, 37
                                      Mary Decker Slaney, 60
                    August 5:  Marine Le Pen, 50
                                      Wendell Berry, 84

Deaths:
                Bruce Lietzke, 67
                Dr. Bertee "Bert T." Adkins, 87
                Dora Lea Dinklocker, 93
                Herbert "Herb" Ellenbrand, 86
                Pejo Peeff, 94
                Thomas Edgar Swicegood, 65
               
Jerome G. "Romie" "Jerry" "Duke" Wahl, 95
                        
                                                                       [Louisville Courier-Journal]
tylerstv.jpg
    Christopher Scott Nicol                    Steven Tyler
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A policewoman's e-mail suggests that Stormy Daniels' arrest at a strip club
in Columbus, Ohio,  was planned (the charge of allowing a patron to touch
her was dropped 12 hours after her arrest because the law  applies  only  to
regular performers at a club).  .  .  . A 69-year-old woman shot her 65-year-
old husband dead in Jefferson County,  Arkansas,  in an argument over TV
pornography he purchased. . . . A Democratic candidate for Virginia's leg-
islature accused her Republican opponent of  Bigfoot  pornography  (have
you seen the movie SexSquatch?). . . . A 6-year-old immigrant girl at a de-
tention center in Arizona was sexually abused  by an immigrant boy there.
.  .  .  Police investigating a burglary in Aurora, Colorado, killed the home
owner
, who had already killed the intruder.

                                                                    [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

storlazz.jpg Locked up in San Angelo: Victoria Storlazzi, 29, failure to ID a fugitive; Tasha Rose, 31, marijuana, drug paraphernalia; Raquel Rojas, miscel; Kimberly Campos, 34, viol. protective ord.; Jessica Arredondo, 30, possession; Kirby Mills, 32, crim. trespass; Kimberly Sanchez, 28, assault w/deadly w; Sally Stewart, 53, assault w/injury; Alissa Anderson, 29, dwi; Michael Pynes, 35, crim. tresp.; Allysia Ramirez, 24, dope; Victoria Garcia, 33, drug para.; Britney Chandler, 35, hinder ; Amber Matthews, 40, theft (Tom Green County Sheriff)
storlazz.jpg Locked up in San Angelo: Victoria Storlazzi, 29, failure to ID a fugitive; Tasha Rose, 31, marijuana, drug paraphernalia; Raquel Rojas, miscel; Kimberly Campos, 34, viol. protective ord.; Jessica Arredondo, 30, possession; Kirby Mills, 32, crim. trespass; Kimberly Sanchez, 28, assault w/deadly w; Sally Stewart, 53, assault w/injury; Alissa Anderson, 29, dwi; Michael Pynes, 35, crim. tresp.; Allysia Ramirez, 24, dope; Victoria Garcia, 33, drug para.; Britney Chandler, 35, hinder ; Amber Matthews, 40, theft (Tom Green County Sheriff)

The sports:
Serena Williams was defeated  6-1,  6-0  by Johanna
Konta in the first round of the Silicon Valley Classic
tennis tournament in San Jose, California.

Dear Eleanor:
                            When I was dating my husband,  I gave him a lot
                            of leeway. When he told me he listened to a radio
                            show known for unscientific views,  I  ignored  it
                            because I found him so charming and kind.  Hon-
                            estly,   he treats me better than  anyone  I've  ever
                            known,  and I had been in the dating scene for 27
                            years.  During our three-year courtship  I  always
                            avoided the topics of science and politics.

                            We've been married two years now, and I'm trying
                            hard to reconcile the fact that I'm married to a con-
                            spiracy theorist who believes the world is flat.  He
                            is convinced that fluoride is brainwashing and that
                            the Holocaust was faked.  It makes me sad. I knew
                            on some level he believed these things, but I chose
                            to overlook it.
 
                            Aside from his irrational beliefs, we are compatible
                            and  happy.  My question is,  can a relationship sur-
                            vive in the midst of fundamental differences?

                                                                        Knows Better in Kansas

Dear Kansas:
                            I'd like to help you,  but I'm stuck in a relationship
                            with a man who thinks  Donald  Trump  is a  great
                            President. Let's get together again when Don Imus
                            regains his previous popularity.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include 
Maria Butina.
mariabut.jpg

austashl.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Stacey R. McGuire, WF, a/k/a Stacey R. Sedgwick, 33, 5'6", 170 lbs, tattoos both hands, left wrist, chest, probation violation (aggravated weapons); Austin J. Austin, WM, a/k/a Keith E. Sellers, 42, 6'4", 240 lbs, probation violation (burglary & theft); Ashley N. Mills, WF, a/k/a Ashley N. Kuns, Ashley N. Koons, Jennifer N. Willi, 34, 5'3", 160 lbs, tattoos both arms, left shoulder, burglary and theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
austashl.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Stacey R. McGuire, WF, a/k/a Stacey R. Sedgwick, 33, 5'6", 170 lbs, tattoos both hands, left wrist, chest, probation violation (aggravated weapons); Austin J. Austin, WM, a/k/a Keith E. Sellers, 42, 6'4", 240 lbs, probation violation (burglary & theft); Ashley N. Mills, WF, a/k/a Ashley N. Kuns, Ashley N. Koons, Jennifer N. Willi, 34, 5'3", 160 lbs, tattoos both arms, left shoulder, burglary and theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
estebanj.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Javier Esteban Castro, 19, 128 lbs, 5'8", surety off bond, aggravated assault; Juanita Taylor, 42, 235 lbs, 5'8", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance, PLG1 U/1g; Heather Keith Hays, 49, 200 lbs, 5'7", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance with intent to deliver (and breaking the scales); Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of July 27, 2018, 940-322-9888
estebanj.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Javier Esteban Castro, 19, 128 lbs, 5'8", surety off bond, aggravated assault; Juanita Taylor, 42, 235 lbs, 5'8", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance, PLG1 U/1g; Heather Keith Hays, 49, 200 lbs, 5'7", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance with intent to deliver (and breaking the scales); Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of July 27, 2018, 940-322-9888

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "roberto" titled
        "ATTENTION REQUIRED: revolutionary anti-ED capsules for
        a special price!"
and another message from "Clutterbook" "Face-
        book" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifications
        you've missed
."


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)

lifeexam.jpg Life Saver Dude: Hey, Teach, these kids get A's all day!; write these wordsin  alphabetical order: take aekt, value aeluv, use esu, royal alory
lifeexam.jpg Life Saver Dude: Hey, Teach, these kids get A's all day!; write these wordsin  alphabetical order: take aekt, value aeluv, use esu, royal alory

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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