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| There's this movie, whose title I'm going to place all in capital letters, called TITANIC. I use big letters because it was a big boat, almost as large as Bill Gate's yacht. Unfortunately it struck a larger ice cube on its first lap around the pool and sank over the course of an Oscar acceptance speech.
This TITANIC boat is real, which is more than I can say for the movie. Can you say Love Boat? TITANIC is simply a re-make of the smarmy tv series as directed by that Terminator guy, James Cameron. What's missing is Julie, Gopher and Doc--but who has time to notice when you add in all of the bullets flying, water gushing and Kate Winslet's beautiful beagles to distract you from what's lacking? (At least Kate Winslet makes a great hood ornament!)
So what is this movie? "Speed 2" for people too broke to take cruises? No wonder this movie wiped out the national debt! Talk about capturing a broad audience! You've got Wilbur "I Signed The Declaration Of Independence" Painedeass, age 211, and "Diaper" Rash Burns, age 7, both sitting in the same theatre. Then there's all those young girls who will hopefully never see Leonardo DeCupACappucino become President.
So we've got ballrooms and bullets, big boats and big floats, and a body count higher than the 4th of July Celebration at Inbred, Kentucky. Personally, I think they had it easy; try turning the story of a cat in a dingy
For my next review, I turn my bloodshot eyes towards that smash hit, Armageddon. Now it's time to depart with a catchy witticism. "Save yourself $7.00 and go buy some new underwear!" Goodbye! |
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My last review was about big boats and this time it's about big rocks. Namely the big rocks in the heads of people who make movies like this one. Let's start with the numero uno rock-head of actors, Bruce Willis. You want me to believe this marble-brain could lead a box-of-rocks crew to blow up a meteorite and save our planet? I'd have much more faith in their destructive capabilities if they took along Beavis and Butt-head.
And for an actress they choose the daughter of Aerosmith's Lincoln-Log-lipped lead singer? Whose only believable if she's re-creating Monica FruitOfTheLoomInskie's groupie-gone-awry? At least Monica got the President's Sealed Lips Of Approval. And why couldn't this film have a cool President like "Deep Impact"?
Big rocks, big rock-heads; I think they had it easy. Try turning the story of a boy and girl who inherit their father's rock farm into a mega-hit, you Hollywood termites! Next time I'll aim my sites at Lethal Weapon 14, which also has a screaming rock in it. So as I always say since last week, "Save yourself $7.00 and go buy |
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Who needs to go to the movies, especially when that movie is the 3rd sequel by unimaginative goons? Why not make Lethal Weapon a television series? I'll tell you why! Because Joe Pesci and Chris Rock scare and annoy people who watch Dr. Quinn re-runs and the Andy Griffith Show.
Forget plot and dialogue, LW has screaming, explosions, and toilets falling from the sky like jet engines. This movie also distracts you with Rene Russo, one of the most oddly desirable women in film-making today. There's also Danny Glover, whiter in every film from all the dangerous stunts, and Mel Gibson, who acts crazier than a genetic re-combination of Bulworth and Ross Perot. With bullets flying, Chris Rock screaming, and Joe Pesci hiding under Rene Russo's support group, who's going to miss a storyline? The audience is too busy rooting for Danny Smooth GloverLover because he's suffering just as much as the audience from all the overacting and pyrotechnics. Hootie's father needs to have his manager schedule some r&r before he shoots this grab-bag of mixed nuts into salty little nutter-butters. I say they had it easy. Try turning Lethal Weapon into a television series that lasts longer than "T.J.Hooker," you Hollywood termites! So as I've been saying, "Save yourself $7.00 and go buy some new underwear!" And next week I'll tell you There's Something About Mary that requires heavy drug use to avoid...ahem, goodbye!" |
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There's Something About Mary |
| Cameron Diaz, before she was a movie star, was a model. Although the long hair is gone, she's still beautiful; and still more a model than an actress. |
 Something About Mary In A Bikini |
| Honestly, if the Farrelly brothers, who made Dumb & Dumber, hadn't made this film, AND it hadn't starred Cameron Diaz, I wouldn't have gone to see it. | |
| Yes, I am reviewing a movie I saw in a theatre. Was it worth it? I'm a guy, so watching Cameron Diaz for nearly two hours was cool. The women who see this, well... We're talking about a film where a man's "frank & beans" shares equal time with plot for the first twenty minutes. A film where the dialogue is "R" rated and "Mary's" brother is mentally deficient and an excuse to make the "politically correct" in the audience squirm. |
 Cameron's previous job. |
Personally, this is a movie that could have worked with any capable actress and actors. And that's what we've got here: Cameron isn't searching for that star status acquired by Demi Moore or Julia Roberts, she's doing a fluff piece. Ben Stiller, Matt Dillon, Jeffrey Tambor (The Larry Sanders Show), are all third-rate. While this film does actually carry a plot, the main reason for going is to see a few vulgar, yet hilarious, gags and to marvel at Ms. Diaz.
Cameron is what Jenny McCarthy could only ever aspire to be; someone who comes across on screen as a natural, as long as she's not required to exert herself as an actress. So go for the gags, go for the air conditioning, or go to keep "Mary" coming back in more films.
And if for some reason Ms. Diaz's star falls short, she can always fall back on her modeling, marry me, and I'll provide her with all the hair gel she'll ever need.
And if you go, watch the final credits. Matt Dillon plays doctor with Cameron and Ben Stiller |
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So the government and the military and the ufos and Dennis Rodman are all in the mix together to take control of the world? They already have control of the world! What's left? Grotesque experimentation? |
 Duchovny Says The Truth Can Be Found By Reading Tea Leaves |
Actually, the only conspiracies in this country belong to Chris Carter and the Fox Network. It's actually a beautiful, simple plan. Write a show with uptight characters, vague job descriptions, unlimited funds, contacts in every government agency, then set up situations which allow them to use none of these things because of A Conspiracy. Now, they must rely solely on their neurotic little brains. |
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Here's how it works: Male Lead Character and Female Lead Character are eccentric, yet intelligent and successful in their career fields. Although moderately attractive in real life, their profession is not a land of attractive people; they are denied a sexual relationship by the show's creator to heighten their minimal appeal. Each show follows the same plot: a/an _____ causes someone/something to do odd things. | |
| Sometimes the "odd thing" is apparent and sometimes not; the two lead characters must use their smarts to resolve the situation. Sometimes only one lead character believes something is amiss; this is called subplot, wherein half the show is spent trying to convince the "non-believer" that "things ain't normal." |
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This show has a huge following, earning Fox nearly as many dollars as a single NFL football game. Which just goes to show that a smart company (or a lucky one) can clean up by pandering to the non-sports-inclined television viewer: you know the type, doesn't know a football from a barbecue grill, never stood outside in hours-long lines waiting for tickets to a game, has no idea that there's a football Hall of Fame, and has not once cursed at someone for "punting the pigskin." |
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Yeah, the X-Files is for all those who could care less about wild card teams and playoffs, for anyone who ever got scared as a kid by "the boogieman," and that's why I say, "Save yourself $7.00 and watch the Kansas City Chiefs play Keystone Kops!" |
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