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| Well, it's Halloween time once again. That means Hollywood is rolling out their scariest films. Not horror films, mind you, but their worst stuff that even they are afraid to watch. Why else would "Soldier" be coming out? But today I'll concentrate on something so hideous, so ugly and terrifying, that you may not make it to the end of this article: Jennifer Tilley's career. |
 Chucky Receives Tender Loving Incantation From Jennifer Tilley |
This woman is best known for her work in "Liar Liar," in which she plays a divorcee who hires Jim Carey's lawyer character to gain custody of her children. When Gina Gershon's career took off after "Showgirls," Tilley played opposite Gershon in "Bound," about two women stealing from the mafia. Now she outdoes herself in the sequel "Bride Of Chucky," a film in which this doll plays with dolls. |
| For those lucky enough to have never seen Chucky, he's a doll who came to life when someone chanted some backwards lyrics on a Beatles record and was therefore able to transfer their soul into that of the butt-ugliest doll ever created. As for the mean streak in this doll, that is supposed to belong to the tortured soul/spirit/thingie in Chuckie; but it's fairly obvious that the doll is pissed at being made to look like the offspring of David Caruso and Carrot-Top. Who can blame him, when Angie Everhart would have made the perfect mother-figure? |
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Anyone with real children won't be too surprised by this precocious cinematic concoction. Real kids are ugly, temperamental, sadistic and foul-mouthed. The only unusual aspect of this doll-kid is that it understands sex and wants some. As should be expected, Hollywood's Chucky plows with Tilley-- after she's transformed into a hellish, cracked-ceramic, Barbie-gone-Tammy-Faye-Baker woman-doll that he can marry. |
 Chucky Cheese: Chucky & Wife To Be |
| Hmmm...Actually, that is pretty scary: a sex-fiend's soul trapped in a doll that resembles Rosanne Barr splashed in carrot juice; a doll that looks like Tammy Faye, but fuglier; Jennifer Tilley's sinking career (at least SHE is not sinking-- Hollywood surgeons know tricks that continue to treat!). |
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| Well...maybe those Hollywood zoot suits accidentally spawned something worthy of Halloween's macabre spirit. Fortunately, Rocky Horror Picture Show is still a four-star snackey-cake compared to this crumb of a film. So forget Chuckey, and Tilley, and Tammy; see Brad and Janet instead and don't forget to wear your best fishnet stockings-- and bring some toast! |
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Let's take a look at two somewhat recent science fiction films. Contact is a big budget Hollywood film with big names involved: Jodie Foster, Tom Skerrit, and rising star Matthew McConaughey. Directed by Robert Zemeckis, of Back To The Future and Forrest Gump fame, the film is based on a book by Carl Sagan and employs countless special effects and the cooperation of NASA and CNN. The story is a serious (as far as Hollywood ever does anything seriously) look at humankind's first communication with, and attempt to contact, a race from beyond earth. Mars Attacks also depicts contact with a race from another planet. The director of Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands and Nightmare Before Christmas brings his cinematic wizardry to a lower-budget film than Contact. NASA and CNN do not offer to validate Burton's story, yet the cast carries more weight than Contact, with Pierce Brosnan, Jack Nicholson, Rod Steiger, Annette Bening, Pam Grier and Martin Short all making contributions. Similarities end there. As much as I like Contact and its attempt to answer some real questions, Mars Attacks features a stampeding herd of flaming cattle, aliens who disintegrate people while stating repeatedly, "We come in peace!", and Jack Nicholson as President of the USA. Contact centers on Foster's character, a scientist listening for signals from the stars, using the sophisticated but imperiled SETI radar dishes. (SETI stands for Search For Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.) After decoding such a signal, America and other countries debate whether to build a spacecraft and follow the attendant instructions sent by this alien race. The drama comes from Foster's love interest in McConaughey, a religious man who is the President's spiritual advisor. While Foster represents science unencumbered by illogical "faith," McConaughey stands for faith in place of science. The film ends with the new race contacted and Foster finding faith, while McConaughey comes to realize the value of science to religion. |
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While Contact is well executed and engaging, it's not Men In Black. And isn't that really what we all want? The only alien race I want to see is one which can turn my workplace into a mountain-sized potato. I would get a vacation, and would have time to use my new Roncho Potato Cutter-Crisper-Crinkler Combo. For $14.99 I got the Combo, a free plastic tray to sit it on (for easy clean-up) and a poster of Mr. Potato Head, fried to a nice tan on the beaches of Greece. |
Uma Gives Travolta Potato Head |
| CONTACT | MARS ATTACKS |
| Scientist Foster stabbed in back by politicking boss. | Scientist Pierce Brosnan's head seperated from torso and suspended between steel forceps. |
| Aliens send instructions for building time travel machine for face-to-face rendezvous; appear as beneficent and wise beings. | Aliens land at welcoming ceremony and shoot down a dove released as symbol of peace; then disintegrate people with death rays. |
| Jodie Foster's serious "Ellie" character falls in love with political religious leader played by MacConaughey. | Sarah Jessica Parker's hipper-than-serious talk show character falls in love with lame-brained Pierce Brosnan's scientist; both are abducted by aliens and become experimental subjects. |
| Time travel machine sabotaged by religious group. | Herd of cattle sabotaged by fun-loving but twisted little green men from Mars. |
| Aliens offer humankind hope and bring a scientist to have faith in a universe not controlled by humans. | Aliens explode into green goo when assaulted with the warbling sounds of a Slim Whitman album played through loudspeakers. |
| A caring benefactor gives Ellie a second chance to meet the aliens after disaster occurs. | A senile woman provides a second chance to defeat the aliens when her grandson discovers the tactical advantages of piercing sonic perambulations. |
| Film directed by same man who directed Forrest Gump, about a simpleton who perseveres through life's difficulties. |
Film full of simpletons who all die, while the few smart people persevere and live newly found lives without difficulties. |
| CONTACT | MARS ATTACKS |
Large satellite dishes loom in the background. This enables Foster to listen to alien broadcasts of the Grateful Dead, foreshadowing that pot may be legal on other planets for non-medicinal purposes. |
The Martian Ambassador has large red eyes, foreshadowing that pot may be legal on other planets for non-medicinal purposes. |
Artist's rendition of the second Contact Machine, owned by the wealthy benefactor; notice the choppy, cold waters and rough clouds, intended to effect a somber mood for Foster's risky adventure ahead. |
Artist's rendition of the Galaxy Hotel, owned by one of Nicholson's three characters. Notice the lack of a background due to the fact that this image was originally painted for The Jetsons, intended to effect a Saturday morning mood for the irony of the battle with aliens ahead. |
Jodie Foster wears unusual clothing at a party while listening to McConaughey, a presidential advisor, who is dressed in a tuxedo. Although fond of his character, she is wary of his views on the alien race. |
A Martian alien in disguise as a woman, picked up on the streets by a presidential advisor in a tacky suit, goes to a private party, where she is wary of his views on her alien race. |
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As you can see, while both films employ similar techniques, the results are vastly different. One has
the overall intensity of a PBS program that is required viewing for college Science 105, while the other has the overall intensity of watching a Vanna White turn letters. Therefore, I declare Earth Girls Are Easy the winner of this contest, which combines the brains of that guy from the iMac commercials and Jurassic Theme Park, with the beauty of Geena Davis and the campiness of Julie Brown. As usual, save yourself $7.00 and tune in to Comedy Central, which throws out this cinematic doggy bone about twice a month, and encourage them to make even more South Park crap to burden the shelves in your local Spencers. |
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