Disclaimer: I think the recent shootings in schools have been
awful. There is no excuse whatsoever to shoot someone down
in cold blood, and the kids who were shot did not in any way deserve to
be injured or die. That being said, have you ever wondered what
the shooters were feeling?
Johnny came home late one night
His mama said, "Where have you been?
I was worried so, 'cause when you go out
It's early when you come in."
Her words trailed off as Johnny turned
With eyes that were not her son's
They were cold and hard, like cubes of ice
The sparkle, the childhood, was gone
"Johnny, Johnny, what has happened
To the boy who was my child?"
His mama asked, for she could see
That her son's eyes were wild.
She noticed blood upon his sleeve
And cried, with angiush and dread,
"Oh, my son, what has happened to you?"
This is what Johnny said:
"Mama, life has been so hard
I used to get so scared
I used to cry, alone at night
Way back when I cared
But caring makes me hurt too much
I've learned that people are bad"
Johnny's mama listened, afraid
That her son had gone mad.
"You see mama, I spent my life
Getting beat up by other kids
For I was kind and gentle
And they were a bunch of pigs
A boy can only take so much
Before he crosses the limit
The pain was too great, tonight I knew
I couldn't take it another minute"
"Tonight someone laughed at me once again
And something inside me snapped.
I was not the boy I had been before
And I knew I could not go back."
His mama asked, with fear in her voice,
"My son, what did you do?
Have you changed so very much
Just because they laughed at you?"
Johnny replied, "Dear mama,
You do not understand
It was not the laughter by itself
That turned me into a man
It was years of rejection and lonliness
That turned my heart to stone
A boy cannot grow up right
If he grows up alone."
"Tonight I was laughed at once again
I guess I lost my head
I pulled my knife out of my sock
I killed him, mama, he's dead
Another man saw, but I didn't care
Because now my heart is ice
The man said, 'Johnny, what happened to you?
You used to be so nice.'"
"But 'nice' is a subjective term
Being nice only caused pain
Being nice didn't do any good
Until it caused me to go insane
Mama, the pain has disappeared
I cannot tell you why
But now I have to go away
Just came to say 'goodbye'"
"My son, where are you going?
Where are you going to stay?"
His mama called into the night
As Johnny walked away.
Four days later, they found him cold
A bullet hole in his head
The gun he used was still in his hand
"Died instantly," they said
His mama cried, his mama wept
But not because her son had died
She wept because she knew the pain
He went through when alive
At night, she hears the words he spoke
That day he turned to stone
"A boy cannot grow up right
If he grows up alone."
I look out at the world and ask
"Is anybody out there?"
The silence echoes
Louder
Than any word
Ever spoken
The memories of things past
Are hidden away
Never to be thought of again
Or so she thought
It doesn't matter
What brought them back
The fact is, they're back
And the ice
That was her heart
Shatters
Into a million pieces
Each shard and sliver
Sharp
Like a razor
Slicing into the soul
Do I refuse to give up?
Keep pushing
In hopes of sucess?
Or do I stop now
Realizing
That pushing does more harm
Than good
If I give up
Am I admitting I'm a failure
Or admitting I'm not perfect?
Is there a difference?
Andy was a young man I used to know. He had mental retardation and
autism. He was very active, exuberant, loved sodas, legos, balloons,
and certainly let you know when he wasn't pleased. He was quite a guy.
He was always there
Fully present, and he let you know it
Constant motion
Brushing the sleek black hair out of his eyes
With an absentminded sweep
As he bounded from room to room
To room
Stopping on occasion
To do his favorite things
Building his tall, tall tower
Going to the store for a coke
In a cup, with ice and a lid and a straw
Popping his balloons
With a big loud bang
Or watching them fly off into the clouds
Sometimes, his clouds would darken
Thunder rumbled, rain would fall
Windows smashed, fist shaped holes appeared in walls
But the clouds always broke quickly, revealing the sun
Trying so hard to cooperate
"I AM BEING QUI-ET!!"
At 80 decibles at 6:30 in the morning
Seeking recognition for his efforts
"Tell Andy he is being good. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him, Andy is being good."
So we told him
And his smile would widen, and he was off
Often, it seemed as if he would never stop
But he did
A seizure by the brain stem, they said
Sometimes, I buy a balloon
I let it go, and watch it disappear
As it drifts up through the clouds
I imagine he catches it, and pops it, and grins
Cool and collected, I've learned to fake it well
But to keep it all inside all the time is hell
What am I so afraid of? Why can't I let them see?
Many know this great facade, so very few know me
Why can't they see
How it hurts to smile when you just want to scream
How it hurts to hide when you want to be seen
"She's weird, she's nuts, she's crazy," I heard that all the time
Before I learned to play the game, before I toed the line
I've learned to hide my feelings, watch everything I say
If I slip a little, I worry about it for days
Why can't they see
How it hurts to smile when you just want to scream
How it hurts to hide when you want to be seen
Hiding out behind my eyes, I wonder what to do
I'd like to open up some, to be honest, to be true
But if I show my real self, would it be a big mistake?
If I let them know the real me, will they all just run away?
Why can't they see
How it hurts to smile when you just want to scream
How it hurts to hide when you want to be seen
It's easy to blame others for the emptiness inside
I think that they may hurt me, so I run away and hide
But this is not about them, this is really about me
I can run scared and be lonely, or I can chance it and be free
I'm learning to see
If it hurts to hide when I want to be seen
I need to accept responsibility
So I open up to others, because I know I must
Relationships are two way, and I have to learn to trust
Surprise of all surprises, for the most part, it's ok
People get to know me, and they do not run away
I'm learning to see
If it hurts to hide when I want to be seen
I need to accept responsibility
My friend, you hurt, I want to help
But there's little I can do
You smile, you laugh, pretend you're fine
It's something I see through
There's a lot of me in you
Perhaps you are afraid to share
You think I'll run away
Perhaps you don't know that I care
I'll listen to what you say
And it will be ok