I hear his heartbeat beneath my ear. It's lulling me into a state close to sleep. Very comforting, you know. Seven years is a long time to go without this kind of feeling and sensation. I fought so hard to keep it at bay. As the Borg say, "resistance is futile."
Chakotay's breathing is even and I realize that he is asleep. Last week, I told him that he was taking a day off or I would throw him in the brig. He doesn't notice the responsibility that he shoulders. His everlasting promise to me; to make my burdens lighter. It hurts me to see him take on so much. Always worrying about me, when perhaps I should have been worrying about him.
This new adventure we're about to embark on, I eagerly await. Last night, I finally gave into what I needed, subconsciously, what I've always wanted. I smile when think about what he said about my eating. He meant it. He was so afraid; afraid that his weight would be too much on me. It wasn't. Chakotay felt wonderful. I desperately needed that release. He never even hurt me. Never would. There is something about him that I've never found with another living soul.
If I'd listened to the voices earlier, I wouldn't have been wound-up, up-tight. His gentle embrace last night and right now, makes me feel safe in this unsure universe. A man like Chakotay, is very rare indeed. I've been presented with one of the finest gifts I could have, next to Hannah.
I'm a very lucky woman.
**
Chakotay stepped into shoes that were hard to fill. Not that I knew Cavit that well, it's just Chakotay had a bad time. My Starfleet crew accepted him readily enough, but were still unsure of his intentions toward them and his former crew, which was understandable. His Maquis crew saw his position of one that may result in a way to cause a mutiny. When he told me what Seska and Hogan had proposed when B'Elanna broke Joe Carrey's nose, he told me to not to be concerned.
While some called him a turncoat or kiss ass, I was reeling from some of the comments from both camps directed toward me. I heard the terms 'ice queen', 'frigid', 'Fleet bitch', a medley of wonderful comments. My worst problems came from Seska. I have never said anything to Chakotay, but she scared me. That's quite an accomplishment, since I don't scare easily. Even before I knew she was Cardassian, she made my skin crawl. I remember feeling her eyes on my every move; on the bridge, in engineering, in the mess hall. Sizing me up, looking for my weakness.
The first time Chakotay and I really locked horns was over the position of chief engineer. I wanted Joe Carrey, but I was hesitating. I wasn't sure if he could handle the responsibility. Chakotay fought for B'Elanna Torres. His reasoning was sound, his points valid. But we were still testing the waters between us. I have to say it, the man has guts. I pulled him into my ready room and let him have it after he contradicted my orders. He gave back as good as I gave. Yet what surprised me was what he said.
"I have no intention of being your token Maquis officer." Chakotay was right. He was the only former Maquis crewman I put in a position of major responsibility; a position of power. If I were to make this a truly unified crew, then I was going to have to make some concessions. In the end, B'Elanna had the skills I was looking for. I've never regretted my decision to put her in the lead once. Oh, the engineering crew grumbled about her promotion, but in the end, it's worked out beautifully.
Standing at the railing of the upper level in engineering, I watched my new officer. Take charge, get what needed to be done, done. Chakotay came up and joined me, taking in the scene below. Then he did something that made me take a double take, later; he asked me off the record, if our positions had been reversed and we'd been on his vessel instead of mine, would I have served under him? Double meaning. I told him that being captain allowed me certain privileges. One being that I could keep somethings to myself. You want to know the truth? Yes, I would have served under his leadership.
Tensions seemed to lessen after that. He even introduced me to my spirit guide. That was an interesting experience. I'm a scientist. I don't put faith in what I can't explain scientifically. But as I found out with Chakotay, he was a scientist too. I remember how happy he was to be showing me this side of his beliefs. I mean really, here he comes, into my ready room with this bundle of fur, so excited to be showing me a part of himself, that he even admitted, he didn't show to anyone else. He then proceeds to sit on my floor and gives me this look. I couldn't resist. I'd teased him earlier about his animal guide and showed interest. The next thing I know, there I am, finding out what animal guides me.
Light--I felt the light. I was there, on a beach. I could hear his voice and I wondered if I were talking aloud. Salt air, warm breeze, Earth's beautiful sunshine casting me in its rays, sand beneath my boots, I could sense it all. Feel it all. Through it all, I heard that soft voice of his. One I knew wasn't raised in anger very often.
He led me through this. It was like I had left the ship behind and was going somewhere else entirely. B'Elanna startled us bringing me out of my vision prematurely and I realized how comforting that experience was for me. And for a brief moment, I thought it was because of him. We continued slowly, getting to know each other. Chakotay served as a bridge well. Capable, reliable. It escapes how he could abandon this life. However, I understood his reasoning. How little I understood.
Really.
**
Chakotay shifts behind me. His grip around me grows a little tighter. I think he's afraid if he lets go, he'll believe that he's dreaming all of this. Every action, every thing from now on that I do, will be to reassure him that he's not going to lose me.
Funny thing is, until I became pregnant with Hannah, I wasn't sure if I'd want children. I'd thought about it plenty of times, going from wanting a baby to not wanting one. When I was engaged to Justin, I thought that maybe I could balance a family with my career. At the time, I wasn't that very far along with my goals. Then I could have fit it into my life. With Mark, it was never an option. I realize that now. The thought of having a baby with Mark almost made me sick. Deep down, I think it was because I knew there was something missing from our relationship.
Now, I can't imagine any other person being father to my children but Chakotay. I've seen the way he is with them. A natural. It's his nature.
He shifts again. Damn, he's more tired then I thought. Exhaustion from our work. Exhaustion from shifting his feelings for me constantly. I feel guilty right now. I haven't been fair to him on many fronts. A man who only wanted to give himself to me. Every time, I said no, backed away, hid behind a man I longer loved, protocols that meant little out here in the Delta Quadrant, a crew that I worried about the reaction of. Maybe in a way, Seska and the crews initial reaction to me was correct; I was a bitch.
But love is a funny thing. The woman in me knew from the beginning that I'd lose my heart to him in the end. The captain, fought tooth and nail. Finally, the woman won.
Admiral Swift, if he could see us now. I trust Chakotay. It's the rest you need to be very wary of. No, I put my trust in people, until they prove they aren't worthy of that trust. Then watch out!
So early. What did it take me to see? What made me awaken into a world where everything was sure? Why Chakotay? When?
I know. Those fierce eyes looking into mine when he beamed aboard this ship. I don't believe in love at first sight. But as he's done so many times before, Chakotay has disproved this theory.
I love him. Plain and simple. And too hell with anyone who says otherwise.
**p>
After the problems with Seska, he distanced himself. Like B'Elanna said, he was embarrassed by what had happened. Despite what happened, it wasn't ever his fault. Perhaps he saw something in her that he liked. I knew, however, that after he joined this ship, he didn't touch her. He told me after she'd beamed over to the Kazon ship.
"Despite what you might hear, Captain, I wasn't in love with her," he'd told me quietly as we headed to our respective quarters.
"You don't need to justify yourself, Chakotay. She played you for a fool. She played us all for fools. A Cardassian posing as a Bajoran. She hurt a lot of people and a lot of ideals," I told him. His hands were behind his back and he hadn't looked up from the floor.
"I was responsible. If I'd never been involved with her, maybe this would have never happened." I stopped him, took a quick look around to make sure no other crewmen were around.
"Listen Chakotay. Every single person is entitled to a mistake. Use it as growing experience. Next time, you won't mistake love for need or lust."
"That still doesn't eliminate the threat, Captain. She's dangerous. She knows Cardassian, Maquis and Federation ways. She'll stop at nothing to use them against us." He looked directly into my eyes. "If she does come after us, Captain, just be very cautious of her. Her hate of you and your ideals is very deep."
"Other then the obvious reasons, Chakotay, why does she have it in for me?" I asked. I still hadn't made comment on how that woman made me feel.
"She knows. . .she sees. . ." he stammered.
"Knows what, Chakotay?
"That I-just be on your guard with her." It wasn't what he started to say. I dismissed it. Maybe I shouldn't have. I think part of her hate toward me was that she no longer had Chakotay wrapped around her finger; that he'd found someone else. Me.
He was right. Add to that she'd just beamed to a Kazon Nistram vessel. I knew we hadn't seen the last of her. I was a fool for what I'd done, Seska had said. Then she'd said Chakotay was a fool for following me. Chakotay started walking away from me.
"Commander, wait." I wasn't finished with him. "Look, you were burned once. Believe me, someday you'll find the one woman that will do something to you that no other woman can do. She'll be the one that will be yours." He looked at me with those brown expressive eyes of his. "And she'd be a fool if she didn't feel the same way."
And was I the fool.
**
It wasn't too long before Chakotay came out of his shell. If anything, Seska hadn't just burned him. She'd burned everyone she had known in the Maquis. Anyone who knew the Maquis knew that they didn't take deception well.
But it seemed that all our problems were with the Maquis crewmen. Seska, Dalby, Geron, Henley, Chell. And that was just the beginning. But I learned quickly just how devoted Chakotay was to putting this crew together. After the last of the aforementioned crewmen had walked out of Tuvok's 'Academy', I heard all about it.
"You hit him?" I asked. Chakotay sat across from me in my ready room. He was rubbing his knuckles.
"He said he was used to doing things the Maquis way. I refreshed his memory on what the Maquis way entailed. Believe me, getting knocked in the jaw on a daily basis isn't something to look forward too." I noticed he had a hell of time keeping a straight face.
"Just as long as you don't make it a habit, Commander," I said. I admired him. He had just shown me that he backed me fully.
I wish I could say that was the last time we had a problem with one of his former crew.
**
"Kathryn," Chakotay says quietly. His hands have been slowly moving up my arms. They barely skim my breasts. It's enough to awaken me; in more ways then one. To think I almost threw this all away because I was too stubborn.
"Hmm?"
"What made you change your mind about us? Other then Hannah?" He begins rubbing my shoulders. I feel the tension begin to ebb.
"I'm not sure." I turned so I could look up at him. "Can I get back to you on that?"
He began chuckling. Thumbs rubbing along the base of my skull, fingers expertly erasing the pain. But he was good at this. I envied his mother. Bending my head forward to allow him better access to my shoulders and aching muscles, I lost myself in his touch. Actually, there has been more then one instance when I fell in love with him, changed my mind.
I close my eyes and think to the first instance, which led to the second.
His warm breath on my neck warms me completely. Yes. Kathryn Janeway had fallen in love with her first officer. Stupid and foolish. I still had loved Mark, hadn't I? If I was as devoted to my fiancee as I thought I was, then why did my first officer keep popping into my dreams.
Hannah made me see how much I loved him. It came back around, full circle, if you will. See, I realized it when we had the first pregnancy aboard this ship.
**
I had called all senior officers to the bridge. Actually, it should have been only two officers that I needed to call. Chakotay had been doing God only knows and I knew Tom had been helping Kes down in hydroponics. When they came onto the bridge, Tom stopped at tactical where I was and Chakotay continued on. I could see something was bothering him.
It is said that behind a great captain, there needs to be an exceptional first officer. They need to be able to work together flawlessly. So the saying goes. It's also safe to say that each officer needs to be able to read the other pretty well.
"You seem a little. . .preoccupied, Commander," I said. Lord, the man was embarrassed about something.
"This morning, I interrupted a couple who were kissing in the turbo lift." That didn't exactly surprise me. I knew it would eventually happen. He continued. "And I've been wondering, if we should establish a policy regarding fraternization." I could see where he was coming from.
But a quick mental calculation led me to one answer. No, we couldn't regulate peoples personal lives. It wasn't right, not on a journey like this. We continued this discussion, quietly. For some reason, Chakotay seemed fascinated by my hair. I wasn't sure why. I always kept it up and out of the way. Regulation. However, I was still considering cutting the damn stuff.
The he asked if pairing off would include me. What the hell could I say: "Oh, sure?" I saw it then, in his eyes. Something more then a command relationship. If I said yes, I'm sure the man would have staked a claim right then and there. He'd be within his rights. Ironically, where he was fascinated by my hair, I was watching that mouth of his. If it wasn't for Mark and my illusive hope, I'd find that mouth extremely sexy.
Thank goodness we were interrupted right about then. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see where this conversation was heading. Nothing about that mission was normal. The space dwelling organisms had an effect on Kes, sending her into premature elogium. Who knew that a small conversation about fraternization would lead to circumstances like those we were facing. An Ocampan who had to have a child now or never, a group outside our hull who thought of us as a sex symbol. If it wasn't out of line, I would probably be laughing.
Then I said something I couldn't believe had come out of my mouth. Chakotay had suggested we act submissive, then perhaps we could get out the situation. He was right. Then right there, in front of the whole bridge crew, I told him; "Good work, commander. In the future, if I have any questions about mating behavior, I'll know where to go." A part of me delighted in knowing that I could tease him, out loud. The other part of me secretly loved watching him darken. Oh, did he deserve that. But never, in my command, had I come off with something so blatantly sexual.
Later, I called him into my ready room, serious as could be.
"Well, remember our conversations for the past couple of days?" I began. He sat, relaxed.
"As I recall, many of our discussions the past couple of days have been about fraternization, shipboard romance, children. Sex seems to be a topic of choice right now."
I let out frustrated sigh and walked around my desk to the upper level of my ready room. My hand, I realized was trying to rub out the knots in my neck. "Samantha Wildman came to me this afternoon." I looked out my viewport. "She's pregnant."
"I see," he said quietly. I looked over my shoulder at him. Chakotay was rubbing his ear, something he did when he was thinking. I don't think he realized that he was doing it.
"I can't tell her no. They'd been trying before we got this mission. It's the only part of him she has out here." I heard the echo of Samantha's words, 'it was only suppose to be a three week mission.'
"I take it then, she's going through with it."
I turned to face him, crossing my arms. "I can't very well tell her that she can't have this baby. She knows the risks. But she wants this."
"Then who are we to deny her this opportunity? You yourself said Starfleet has always been hesitant to regulate a persons personal life." I walked over to the railing and put my hands on them and looked him straight in the eye.
"We can't. Who is that fair for? Us? Samantha? A baby that can't tell us what it thinks." I slammed my hand on the railing, ignoring the pain that erupted in my palm. "I'm happy about this, believe me I am. But this isn't a Galaxy Class ship. This is a small exploratory vessel, not designed for families."
"Whoa, Kathryn. You're thinking at warp nine when you need to reduce it back to impulse. No one has said a thing about families. Yes, Samantha is expecting. But her husband is back on DS9. He doesn't even know she's expecting and she didn't know when we shipped out. One baby, right now isn't going to kill us."
"Chakotay, I have one hundred and fifty odd men and women who are going to eventually pair off. You said children are the result. Do we draw a line?"
He stood and came to stand below me. "We cross that line* when we get to it. Right now, it's only one baby." Chakotay smiled, releasing those dimples of his. "Look at it this way, Kathryn. You have your first new recruit."
Damn man. Always right. I don't understand how he can keep his cool like he does.
**
A couple of weeks later, stress finally caught up with me. I was snapping heads at twenty paces, couldn't find enough time to do what needed to be done. It felt as if I were running a damn cadet training cruise.
Doc managed to catch me in one of my fits, yelling at B'Elanna and Harry for something they couldn't have helped. He told me to take time off and relax. Apparently, someone in my command structure had enlightened the doctor to read up on his responsibilities. He superceded my orders, all right.
Whereas my holonovels usually relaxed me, this time was anything but. I don't know where to begin. Lord Burleigh, the children, the teacup. . . all twisting and becoming something else in my mind. But that wasn't even the crux of the whole thing.
In my delusional state, I began thinking about Mark. Yes, I missed him. Missed being touched and held. But the Bothans, who were putting on this show, they did a number on me.
"There's someone else in your thoughts," A voice whispered to me. It wasn't Lord Burleigh, it wasn't Mark. It was someone a lot closer then I wanted to admit. I damned him again for being there. When had he crept in, making himself home. Why did his face keep popping up in my dreams? How could I fall into a friendship with the man I'd been sent to bring into custody, easily, when it took me years to even find a kindling of like for Mark?
Truth was, it was simple. There was nothing to not like about Chakotay. Warm, understanding, soft spoken, dedicated. After that little incident, I sat in my quarters, pondering. I took a look at the picture of Mark and Molly on my table. The more I looked, the more pissed I became.
"Wait for me, Kath" his image seemed to say.
"I can't," I whispered. Somewhere, light years away, people were getting on with their lives. Mark, probably amongst them. I stared at the picture, feeling all the frustration building. That patronizing smile, the implied warning, what the Bothan made me hallucinate. I slammed that photo down on my table, cracking the glass, cracking the frame. Cracking everything that had meant something to me.
"What?" I said to the air, looking up at the ceiling, formulating. It dawned on me then. I looked toward the wall that separated our quarters. And like cupid's arrow it hit on me.
I was in love with Chakotay.
**
Chakotay continues rubbing my neck. His hands are so gentle. I can't imagine him ever doing harm with those hands.
It was wrong to hide how I felt about him. He put it out on the table, clearly there, while I continued as if it were some dreaded disease. Time had taken it's toll on us in those few short months.
His hands stop, like they did so long ago. Then, I ran. Now, I enjoy the feel of his touch, welcome it with my being. His lips brush the back of my neck. Smirking, I think back to one of our earlier conversations of the day.
"Don't start what you can't finish, Chakotay," I say teasingly.
"I started it, I'll finish it," he says, barely running his fingers along the curve of my neck.
"I know," I whisper. "I want you to finish it." I turn around and press myself fully against him, savoring the look of surprise on his face. Arms wrap around me, holding me in his gentle embrace.
"Shall we begin?" he whispers, tickling my ear.
"No time like the present," I tell him.
It wasn't the first time he'd held me in his gentle embrace, nor last night. Five years ago, he'd held onto me, as I struggled to maintain the last remnants of hope. He held me then and has never let go.