Disclaimer: See previous parts
I once said Chakotay challenged my beliefs; not just the ones dictated by Starfleet, but my own as well. He told me once that sometimes, you have to look beyond the scientific and reach within yourself for the truth. Maybe that is why I seek him out. Tuvok can correct errors in my moral compass, but Chakotay can bring out that which is hidden. Though I must admit, I turn to different people for different reasons.
One example is B’Elanna. I’ll never forget what made me decide that she was the right choice for Chief Engineer. It wasn’t Chakotay’s argument. It was that we understood the problem that faced us and both of us stood there, nose to nose, finishing each others sentences. When it comes to matters of the ship, she is the one I turn to. She knows the systems probably better then her designers. I tend to believe that I have this centuries Montgomery Scott.
But one I turned to many times, was Kes. It sometimes is hard to think of this crew without that little wonder. She brought out many different aspects of people. Neelix, she kept on a short leash—let me explain that statement. She managed to keep him under control, like she was a mother hen. Kes made me and the crew realize that the doctor was more then just a holographic medical supplement—that he was an important part of our crew.
Yet it was her curiosity about the universe that I admired. The Ocampa were people who didn’t know of their full potential. Kes challenged the beliefs and she escaped. Though I doubt running into the Kazon right off was a pleasing time for her, her curiosity made her reach for what others thought impossible. And sometimes, that curiosity got her into trouble.
Kes, along with three other members of my crew were visiting a shrine. Of course, Kes saw the beauty of the shrine. Light and colors—I understood what she found so fascinating about it. It was beautiful. And potentially deadly.
Doc did everything he could, but Kes was slipping away from us. I had contacted the proper authorities, wondering if there were a way to help Kes; to save her life. In the end, I decided to go through the ritual the monks went through; anything, to bring back Kes. The first person I told, was Chakotay.
I don’t think he was happy with my idea. I’d grown to know what certain looks from him meant. He was amusing me, by letting me go on about different rituals from the database that I had found. But I knew he didn’t like it. Chakotay, as usual, told me his misgivings about this.
"Forgive me, but you’ve never been one for ‘leaps of faith’, Kathryn," he said.
I smiled at him and his comment. He did indeed, know me too well. "I think if we scratch the surface enough, I think all beliefs have a scientific basis," I told him. I don’t know what it was, but he broke off the argument.
But he did defend the belief of leaving the mystery. He told me how his mother had once told him the secret behind the vision quest, and how it left him wondering if it were better that he never knew the secret—that the secret was forever ruined. "Maybe, they decided to keep some of that mystery," he finished.
Yet there was more here then just uncovering a mystery. A member of my crew was dying for being intrigued by beauty. Kes’ life would not be in vain, if I had anything to say about it.
I beamed down with a transponder and my tricorder. Though I had an idea what to expect, I wasn’t prepared nearly as much as I thought. I was stripped of all that made me who I was. My uniform was taken from me. They painted strange symbols upon my skin and for a brief moment, I got an idea of what exactly Chakotay’s tattoo meant to him; the symbolism.
I went through much, though I believe a good portion happened in my mind. Waiting in this room with these older people which felt like an eternity and gave me no answers to my questions. Then, I held a rock—and I held this rock for what seemed to be an eternity. Trying to see something I couldn’t see. I painted, which reminded me of my sister. How she managed to do more then study, how she embraced the arts. I climbed a rock, barely reaching my destination. To top off my experience, I was bitten by something that sounded like and most probably bit like, one of Earth’s snakes. I thought I was dying.
But I thought I had found what I was looking for. The answer and treatment for Kes. But upon my return to Voyager, I was gravely mistaken. It didn’t help Kes at all. All of that for nothing.
I’d went in, with a scientific state of mind and got out what I put in. Going back to the planet, I met up with my guide and I found what I was looking for. The answer. I hailed the ship and Chakotay, telling him to bring Kes down to the shrine, that I knew how to help her. Though as soon as he figured out what exactly I was going to do, he tried to talk me out of it. The concern and emotion burned through me with his look. Too blind to see what he was telling me.
"Kathryn, there are 600 megajules of energy passing through that thing. You’ll be killed," concern in his voice. I knew his next action would relieve me of duty.
"I know what I’m doing," I told him. We stood nearly nose to nose, with me glaring at him in my own steady defiance. Neelix stepped in to say that he appreciated my efforts, as would Kes, but neither of them could stand my sacrifice as a one in a million chance of helping her.
"Kathryn, I don’t understand this," Chakotay told me after I had consulted with the woman who had been my guide and advisor throughout this ordeal.
"Neither do I. That’s the challenge," I told him. I was through discussing. I stepped around Chakotay and he graciously moved aside so I could pick up Kes and take her to the shrine. It was funny, you know; when I took her up those steps and stepped into the shrine and was pushed back, I could hear him actually let out this held breath. It was more then a first officer being concerned for his captain.
Once again, I proved my dedication, but how many more times would I have to avoid the angel of death for everyone else?
**
When Chakotay emerged from the bathroom I had breakfast ready. He came over to me, rolling up his sleeves.
"Well, what’s on the menu for this morning?" he asked me.
"An old favorite of mine," I told him, pulling out his chair and indicating that he would need to sit. "Comfort food, tastes of home."
Chakotay sat down and looked at me, his eyes dancing. "Well, madam chef, what is for breakfast?"
"Rice with brown sugar, raisins and milk. Fresh fruit and for you, tea," I said, putting his bowl in front of him.
"And for you—let me guess. A nice steaming cup of coffee," Chakotay volunteered, looking over what I had made.
"Ah yes. A cup of coffee. However, only one a day, starting today," I said, sitting down across from him. Chakotay gave me this quizzical look, as if I were crazy. "The doctor suggested it," I offered before he could ask the question I knew was on the tip of his tongue. "He said it might be easier for me to conceive if I didn’t have added stress levels caused by caffeine."
He smiled at me and I smiled back.
"What are we going to do today?" Chakotay asked, stirring the brown sugar into the rice.
"Well, we really need to do some straightening up around here," I mentioned, looking about the room. "I’ve been lax and so have you."
Chakotay got this funny look on his face, one I’ve come to understand as his mischievous look. He took a sip of his tea, watching me over rim. He knew I was waiting to see what he was going to do.
"Ah, how I wish I had the power of the Q, then I’d just swish my fingers thus," which he did, raising an eyebrow, making it all seem extremely comical, "and the room would be clean. Then we could do other things."
I raised my own eyebrow at this comment. "Other things? I wonder what those could be," I said cocking my head and smiling.
Chakotay, my personal comedian, sat there. "Well, for starters we could go to the holodeck and find some fun program, or we could crawl through the ship via the Jeffrey’s tubes—"
"Or?" I questioned.
"We could spend the day here—you know, making love and stuff like that?"
I started laughing. "And what prey tell, is like making love? What kind of stuff are you referring too?"
Chakotay sat there, pondering that question in that way of his. I have to say this; no matter what we’ve been through, he’s been my guiding light. He not only gives some of the best counsel I’ve had as a captain. Chakotay has a unique insight. Even in the heat of battle, when time is inadvertently against us, he manages to keep a straight head and clear mind. He has saved our butts more times then I can count.
". . .taking a bath, watching the stars, having a pillow fight. You know--stuff," he said.
"Oh, eat your breakfast," I retorted. I cut into a slice of cantaloupe and put it in mouth, savory the taste. "A swish of your fingers, indeed."
**
It was history in the making. Only two other ships in federation history had witnessed the splendor of a supernova. My entire senior staff was on the bridge was on hand to witness this. It was beautiful, but I’d been there for fourteen hours. I wanted to make sure we had no problems. Not to mention, I wanted to share it with the people of my crew.
I had wanted to jump right in, analyzing the data we had collected, but I guess my own body was talking ahead of my mouth. I turned to Chakotay, rubbing the nagging ache in my neck, brought on by stress and too much coffee.
"Chakotay, what do you say we get started on analyzing those carbon conversation readings?" I said.
My faithful friend saw through me. "Captain, you’ve been on the bridge for fourteen straight hours. Don’t you think you deserve a little rest? Harry and I will get to work on the Astrometrics analysis and we’ll give you a full report in the morning."
How was I supposed to react to that? I certainly couldn’t argue with him. If it were that evident to him, then it would have to be evident to the rest of the bridge crew that their captain was little more then standing in front of them sleeping on her feet. I came up short but knew that I was beaten.
"You win," I said. "I’ll see you at 0700." I think it gave me a little extra energy boost. I could feel his eyes on my the whole way back to the turbolift. For the first time in a long while, I was willing and waiting for nice hot bath and a warm bed.
Imagine my shock when I walked into my quarters and my couch was gone. In lieu of its absence was a bed with red satin pillows and spreads. Soft romantic music floating through the air and candles lit. Oh god, if this was some seduction attempt by a certain first officer—.
No such luck on my part. It was Q. He’d made sure I couldn’t contact security. And it was a seduction all right. But not the type I like or appreciate. It was so overdone and overwhelming. All I wanted was to go to bed and delve into the information in the morning. Not deal with this egotistical bag of wind. No wonder Picard shook his head at the mention of his name.
I have to admit, my rebuff worked well—at least that night. He picked me over a one celled organism! What an honor. But I didn’t have time for his adolescent behavior. I had a ship to run and the idea of sex and procreating with Q was not high on my list of priorities.
When he left, I hailed the bridge. "Janeway to bridge."
"Chakotay here, captain. I thought you were going to get some sleep," I knew he was leaving the end open. He was waiting to see what I going on.
"I’ve just had a visit from Q. He’s gone now," I said quickly, not wanting to get into this discussion with Chakotay right now. I knew he’d ask soon enough. "But I want to be notified immediately if he appears anywhere on the ship or if anything odd starts to happen."
"Acknowledged," he paused a moment and I could just imagine the look on his face. "What did he want?"
I took a deep breath. There would be time for this discussion later. "Let’s just say he had a. . .personal request."
"Captain?" he asked. I knew that answer wouldn’t satisfy him for long. I knew he probably had an idea what that request had been.
I quickly shoved my thoughts away and appeased my friend. "I’m not sure what he’s really up too. But I have a feeling he’ll be back. Janeway out."
I leaned back in my chair. Hesitating, I got up and went to bedroom and stood there for probably five minutes staring at my bed, debating whether or not I wanted to sleep in it. When I was ruling over Quinn’s asylum trial, Q had popped up in my bed. Needless to say, I wanted no repeat of that.
I slept in my recliner that night.
**
I was drinking a cup of coffee when Chakotay rang my buzzer to my ready room. This was one instance where it was barely keeping me awake. "Come in," I said, reading over a padd.
"I’ve got those carbon conversion readings from the supernova," he told me, holding out the padd.
"Thank you," I said, taking it. He hesitated, looking a little curious and suspicious and maybe a little bit nervous. "Is there something else?"
"Have you heard anything more from Q?" he asked. I knew he wasn’t too fond of the omnipotent one. Especially after that comment about his tattoo being ‘very wilderness of him’.
"No. I wish I could believe he’s gone for good," I kept in barely, my disgust over Q and his request last night.
"I was wondering—just what you meant when you said he’d made a personal request?" Chakotay was embarrassed for asking, as much as I was for telling him.
I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "He wants to mate with me."
"I see," he said, breaking the contact. What Q didn’t realize was that if there was one member of this journey I would even consider "mating" with, would be the one standing on the other side of this desk from me.
"Obviously it’s out of the question," I said, covering up what I was thinking. "And I suspect it’s a smoke screen, knowing Q. He probably has some hidden agenda."
"Maybe," oh god, the way he said that. As if the thought of being with me wasn’t just limited to him. My concern for his feelings made me rise.
"Chakotay. . ." I put my hand on his arm. I would never do anything like that. I knew how he felt, but I couldn’t allow my own feelings to overwhelm us at that moment.
"I know I don’t have any right to feel this way. But this bothers the hell out of me." I knew it did. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him to not worry. However, Q decided at that moment to drop in.
"I do believe you’re jealous," he said. Mocking Chakotay and his feeling. A nice little picture of a lever and him dropping through it and out an airlock came to mind. "Why didn’t you tell me there was another man?"
"Because there isn’t," I said. It was true to some extent. One was thousands of light years away and the other I couldn’t have either. ‘I’m just not interested in you."
"Any more questions?" Chakotay asked.
"I was wondering, Kathy; what could anyone see in this big oaf anyway?" he said. I hated being called Kathy. "Is it the tattoo?" He turned away a moment and came back around with much bigger version of Chakotay’s. It was all I could do to keep from laughing. "Because mine’s bigger."
"Not big enough!" I said and promptly left my ready room. I think Chakotay was on the verge of saying something to him, but he didn’t. He followed me moments later.
You might say I know better now. Q has nothing on Chakotay. I meant what I said. Not big enough.
**
We finished breakfast, laughing about some of the gossip floating around the ship. The most ludicrous was that Neelix was now receiving midnight whisker tugging from Jenny Delaney. I just about spit my coffee across the table when Chakotay told me that.
"You’re kidding?"
"I don’t know. I overheard Tom and B’Elanna discussing it lunch a couple of days ago," he said. "Something wrong?"
"Hmm," I broke out of my reverie. "No, I was just thinking back to the last time we saw Q."
"Why would you be thinking about that?" Chakotay asked. He got up, picking up our dishes and heading toward the recycler.
"It was an interesting proposition, being the mother of peace."
"If he’d done it any differently, would you have given in?" Chakotay asked me, turning around as I brought the rest of the dishes with me.
"No!" I started laughing. "Roses on the bridge, sonnets read to me, serenading me in my bath. A dog beneath my desk. No."
"Oh come on, women swoon over that kind of treatment," he said ribbing me.
"You didn’t and you got me," I said. His fingers brushed over mine as he took the dishes from me. The warmth and the heat was real and tangible. A tawdry one night stand, was something Q had brought up. No. Why settle for something inferior when I had what I needed in front of me.
"You once said you couldn’t have a child with a man you didn’t love," Chakotay said, watching my face. "I guess that means you must love me, since you asked in the most interesting way I’ve ever heard for wanting a baby."
"You fool, Chakotay. If Q appeared right now and sent us home, it still wouldn’t compare with what I have in front of me. He never wormed his way into my heart the way you did."
Chakotay smiled at me.
**
We were cleaning when he pulled a box from the top of closet. "What’s this?" he asked, bringing to the bed. I sat down and took the box from him.
"I’m not sure," I said taking it from him and taking the top off. In the box lay the dress I had worn for talent night. Sheer, white, flowing. The headpiece sat on top of the garment, the white Pointe shoes sitting on opposite ends, their ribbons entwining and wrapping about the other like some lover.
"My dying swan costume. I kept it because I thought I might want to do it again someday," I said breathlessly. I fingered the delicate material and saw the pink of my skin beneath the sheer outer layer.
"The night before I almost lost you," Chakotay said quietly. I looked up at him. I had never told him that I saw him—crying over my dead body. I never had told him that.
"You didn’t. That’s the important thing. I’ve learned that with you, I don’t go leaping without a net."
"I hope so," he said. " I don’t think I could bear to lose you to something as simple as a bump on a head."
I grasped his hand within mine.
"You won’t lose me. Not now. Not ever. We’re in this in the end, together."
I had no intention of letting him go now.