Part 3: Transparent Legends
By MindyWarm lips upon mine woke me a little before 0700. After all this time, it was a feeling that I'm sure I will never get used to. I slowly opened my eyes and stared into blue ones. They sparkled with life.
"Morning," she said, fingers brushing down the side of my face.
"Morning. Sleep well?" I asked her, putting my arm around her waist, her skin smooth and warm pressed to mine.
"Better then I have in a long time. Thank you for feeding Hannah last night."
"No reason to thank me, Kathryn. She's my daughter, too," I told her. Why wouldn't I do something as simple as take care of a child? I loved Hannah every bit as much as I loved Kathryn. I couldn't imagine my life without either one of them.
"You do so much to make my life easier, Chakotay. Whatever did I do to deserve such a wonderful man as my first officer, friend and husband?" Kathryn said, cradling my face between her hands. I awarded her with one of my smiles.
"Why Kathryn, you were sent to bring me into Starfleet's waiting arms. It's just that something called the 'Caretaker' managed to fumble the affair."
She smiled then, a genuine smile that was starting to show up more often. I loved her smile. It lit up her whole face. She kissed me again, long and passionate. "Kathryn," I said, gently trying to roll her away from me, "if you don't stop, I won't get all that time on the holodeck with Hannah and you'll be late for duty." Kathryn pulled away from me then and smiled. I almost figured she'd be upset.
"I know. I'm just finding it hard to leave you now that I've accepted you."
"Kathryn, you make me sound like a reoccurring disease," I said, trying to keep my face straight. I failed miserably.
"Well, get up and get ready. I'll feed Hannah her breakfast and have her ready for your 'father and daughter' outing."
"What about you?" I asked, getting out of bed and heading for the bathroom.
"Sonic shower, no problem," she said with a wave of her hand as she disappeared into Hannah's room.
I opted for a real shower, instead of sonic. Sometimes, I like to feel real water on me. This was one of those mornings. I had many things on my mind, first of all, Kathryn. It was so amazing how within the period of one day, how we'd slipped comfortably into the roles of husband and wife; in every way.
The second, was New Earth. God, how things change when you least expect them to.
**
I had pulled out one of the containers they'd used to ship down what we needed as a platform. The roof of our shelter had some pretty big gashes in it from the falling branches. Since Kathryn was removing the ground litter, I figured I had better fix the roof before we had any other problems. As Tuvok would have said, it would be 'the logical thing to do'.
"You know, I was thinking with the wood around here, I could build some additions to shelter, give us some more living space." I commented, making way for small talk. Kathryn had been pretty upbeat since she'd come back out to help the clean-up. I think the reason it took her so long to join me out there was because she'd had herself a good cry. Crying, you see, wasn't something that Kathryn did by nature. In the time I had known her, I'd seen her eyes cloud up a few times.
For instance, when we came out the nebula cloud a couple of months back and there were two Voyagers. We'd taken heavy damage and Samantha Wildman's infant, just a few hours old, had been a casualty. But I'd never, ever seen her cry. I was sure she did when she was alone and had no threat of someone finding out. Sometimes, I could hear muffled sounds coming from her room on board the ship (adjoining walls, of course). That's when I figured she did it - her crying.
"How would you mill it?" She said, taking an armful of branches over to an expanding pile.
"Well, I could do a certain amount with a phaser. But I was thinking more along the lines of logs."
"As in log cabin?" Kathryn asked. Her voice had an amused pitch to it.
"I built a few of them growing up. My father thought it was important to know how." I worked as I talked, casting glances to her form every so often.
"My parents took us on vacations to keep us in touch with our pioneer roots. I hated it. No beds, no replicators."
"No bathtubs," I joked.
"No bathtubs," she chuckled then. "I guess you could say that I've always been a child of the 24th century."
"Well, maybe those trips helped prepare you for life here," I said, getting ready to fix a hole.
"Oh no, life here is much more better then that." Oh, my heart took flight then. I stopped and looked at her expectantly.
"You know, that's the first positive thing I've heard you say about being here." She started to say something when that damn monkey screeched. Kathryn turned around.
"Well, hello there," she said, crouching down and holding her hand out. I jumped down and joined her on the ground.
"I don't think you can domesticate it, at least not easily," I told her.
"I sense intelligence in him and I could swear he came to warn me about the storm," she said. I was not about to put my faith in a monkey. "Come here. Come here," she beckoned to it. It gave her a screech, then ran off again.
"Maybe he'll come back." Her face took on a far-away look. "We're going to be here a long time; the rest of our lives." Kathryn turned to face me then and I rubbed my chin.
"You're right, that is a long time." I crossed the fingers on both of my hands and grinned at her. "At least I hope so."
Kathryn smiled at that. Our life, if spent here for a long time, would be far from simple. "Well, I can't give you orders anymore, but I suggest we get back to work." Then touchy-feely Kathryn was back. She patted the inside of my thigh. Shaking it off, I stood.
"Aye, aye Captain." I walked back to the shelter. We still had a lot of work to do before the sun set and the day was done.
**
I stepped out of the shower and began to dry off. I could hear muffled sounds in Hannah's room as Kathryn fed her. Kathryn always talked to her. Sometimes, I'd lean against the door frame and just watch her. There was a big difference between talking to someone and being talked at. The former was what Kathryn did. Truth be known, Hannah would probably be talking before most children.
I got dressed and quietly slipped up to the door. That's what she was doing. Apparently, breakfast was over and Kathryn was dressing her. She has such a way with children, not just our daughter. Hannah smiled and cooed at Kathryn. Kathryn held her hands and smiled at her, making faces. Resisting the urge to laugh, I snuck up behind Kathryn and put my arms around her waist. She leaned back almost immediately and let out a sigh. She clasped her arms over mine.
"So, is our daughter ready for an outing with her daddy?" I asked, kissing the top of Kathryn's head.
"As ready as she'll ever be. I made sure she has a change of clothes and diapers so you won't have to come back before you're ready. Just get her formula from the replicator when she gets hungry."
"Sure you won't take the day off and join us?" I asked, watching Hannah chew on a doll Harry had given her.
"I wish I could. I promised B'Elanna I'd help her in engineering. Other then her, I'm the only one who knows anything about the system that needs the work." I heard the disappointment in Kathryn's voice. She wanted to come with us on our trip. "You'd better get going so I can get ready for duty."
Picking up Hannah and shouldering our bag, I headed toward the door to our quarters. Kathryn's voice filtered out to me.
"Chakotay, wait a moment." I stood there waiting, talking to Hannah. She came out with part of her uniform on. "I want to discuss something with you when you get back from your excursion today. Something important."
"Sure," I told her then left. She had me wondering, just like she always has. I passed few crewmembers on the way to the holodeck. Most nodded curtly to me and smiled. A couple, Harry and Tom, on their way back from the mess hall, stopped and fussed over her. Tom was anxious to start a family with B'Elanna, that I knew. Harry, well, Harry had never been real lucky in the romance department. I think he was still hoping for a chance with Seven.
Hannah and I entered one of my favorite programs, in the mountains of the Cascades. I picked a sunny meadow with a small lake nearby. Laying Hannah on the blanket I laid out, I sat down beside her and thought some more about New Earth.
**
We worked until the sun was almost down. The roof was finished and Kathryn had gotten all the debris cleared from the front. She went in and came back out with her bathing supplies.
"Hope you don't mind. I'm going to take a bath before dinner," she said.
"No problem. I'll be done by the time you get your bath filled and then I'll go start it. Take your time." Hell, of course I didn't mind. After the great amount of work she'd done, she'd probably need a soak. By the time I had dinner done, Kathryn was back with her gray flannel ensemble on, her hair pulled back, but loose. God, I loved that hair of hers.
We ate in a comfortable silence, making few comments. Both of us had a lot on our minds, of that I'm sure. She was probably thinking about her equipment and her research. I was thinking about her, which I had spent a lot of time recently doing. We did the clean-up together and did some cleaning inside. After an hour or so, we both decided to give up and do whatever we wanted. I opted for stone carving. The stones on this planet made for some interesting designs.
As I suspected, Kathryn began working on the destroyed traps, hoping to fix them. I admired her determination, but this - it was a lost cause. The longer she worked, the worse her posture got. I would look up occasionally, waiting for her to have fallen asleep. No such luck there.
"Augh," she said, rubbing her shoulder, trying to massage her shoulders herself. A lost cause if I'd ever saw one. "I'm not used to that kind of work." She started giggling, but a tired giggle. "My knots are getting knots." I couldn't stand to see her in pain, so I got up and came around the table.
"Here, let me help," I said. Kathryn sat up straighter in her chair. I couldn't do much with the hair in the way so I lifted it from her back. Lord, how it felt. Like fine silk threads; soft, thick, smooth. I let my hands run over it for a few moments. Before things got out of hand, I placed the length over her shoulder.
Her knots were many. It surprised me that her bath hadn't helped with them, but apparently, it didn't. She was so tense. As I began kneading her neck and shoulders, I felt her tense up for a moment, then begin to relax under my fingers. She cocked her head and let out a breathy moan. That should have been my signal to stop--then and there.
"That feels good," she said.
"I've had a lot of practice at this," I told her. "My mother used to get sore necks all the time. I was the only one she'd trust not to make it worse." That was true. Mom's neck aches were legendary in the family. My hands used to cramp up from rubbing her neck for hours. But Mom was worth it.
Still, my necks rubs on mom never had this affect on her, or certainly on me. Kathryn had begun leaning back against me. I had stopped rubbing. If it wasn't clear before what had been flowing between us, it was there and tangible now. I could smell her hair, the scent of the oil she used in her bath. It was heightening my senses and awakening parts of me that had no right to be woken. Her back to me, I had no idea what it was doing to her. All I knew was that right then and there, I wanted her.
We stayed that way for a few seconds, neither of us moving, nor either of us breathing. The intensity of the emotions whirled around us, licking at us like the flame of a candle. Finally, Kathryn rose, oh so slowly. For a brief moment, I thought she may kiss me, but I quickly dismissed that notion. I know the look on my face was expectant and embarrassed. She smiled quickly to hide her discomfort, but I knew from her body language that she had felt it too.
"That's much better, thank you," she said, putting a hand up to her shoulder. We still hadn't taken our eyes from each other. "Well, I'm going to bed now." Typical Kathryn, when the heat got to be too much from someone, she would back off.
"Sleep well, Kathryn," I told her, knowing full well that I wouldn't be.
"Yes, you too." With that she disappeared behind that frosted alcove. I stood where I had been for a few minutes, pondering what had just happened between us. Was it truly so difficult to admit there was an attraction between us, that nature was drawing to together as more then friends?
I slowly walked back over to my table, slowly taking my seat, watching the frosted barrier. I rubbed my chin and watched her turn; back and forth, back and forth. Kathryn wasn't asleep, I knew it. If I knew her like I thought I did, she was breaking down every movement, every touch, conversation, looking deeply for the answers. Figuring that putting it out of my mind for now and dealing with it in the morning would be the best. So, picking up my carving tools, I began chiseling away at the stone.
My mind finally engaged in something other then thoughts of Kathryn, I was startled a short time later to see her emerge from her sleeping area and pad softly across the floor. She took the chair across from me and folded her hands in front of her on the table.
"We need to talk," she said.
I set my carving tool down. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew it was coming, and how I wanted to run. "All right."
"We need to define some parameters. About us." Lord, anything but that. What did she expect? It wasn't as if we had anyone else to turn to here. Neither of us were doing anything to precipitate this relationship.
Now or never, I thought to myself. Don't back down now, tell her how you feel, tell Kathryn you're in love with her. Man of words, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell Kathryn directly that I loved her. So I did the next best thing, something I had done all my life, something I'd learned from my father. I masked the truth behind a story.
"I'm not sure I can define parameters. But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his live in conflict with the rest of his tribe. A man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle." For once, Kathryn was listening intently.
"This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day, he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe, led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace." In a round-about way I had done it; told her that I loved her without speaking the exact words.
Kathryn's face lit up with a smile and I noticed a lone tear on her cheek. She fought that smile as she sought the words. "Is that really, an ancient legend?"
I couldn't help but smile at her. I knew she understood, that she had looked behind the 'legend'. "No. But that made it easier to say." That was the truth. Yes, Kathryn. I love you. I will for a long time, if not forever.
Kathryn then did something that I didn't expect. Ever so slowly, she raised her arm and extended her fingers, waiting for me. I never took my eyes from hers as I slowly raised my hand in the same gesture and entwined my fingers with her. The ancient bond of lovers. As I gently caressed her thumb with mine, a lone tear collected at the inner corner of her eye, then slid down the side of her nose. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
Time stood still for a long time. I don't know how long we sat there like that, holding hands. It could have been for eternity, had I a say in it. But I knew I had to let go, give her the time and space to feel at ease with this, with what I had admitted.
"Chakotay, let this develop naturally," she told me. "Let's make sure that this isn't some mistake."
"It can't be, Kathryn," I said.
"No, it has to be natural. I couldn't spend the rest of my life here, knowing that you hated me."
"Kathryn, nothing in this universe could make me hate you. I will wait, for as long as it takes. Even if it never happens, my feelings will never change." She gave my hand a squeeze and rose.
"I can't promise anything, Chakotay. But I'm not ruling it out, either." She turned and went back to her alcove. At least she'd given me hope. Perhaps we could become more. I would wait, the decision being hers. I went to bed that night, fulfilled and full of dreams. Dreams, I dreamed, of Kathryn.
**
Hannah was asleep when I broke from reverie. She is so quiet. She has been since she was born. When she arrived, Hannah cried very little, more intent upon looking where she had ended up, as Doc put it. I gently run my finger over her hair. It's turned dark, like mine, but with the softness of Kathryn's. Thank god Tom married B'Elanna. I'd have to beat him with a phaser rifle if Hannah turned out as pretty as I thought she would. Her lips mock sucking her bottle. Must be dreaming about eating.
I decide to take a quick dip in the lake. I slowly wade in, letting the water, even though it's holographic, rise slowly over my body. Caressing me lovingly as Kathryn did last night.
New Earth. When we were rescued, Kathryn and I were close to the final resolution to our relationship. We were, at least subconsciously, ready for that final act to make our bond in that place complete.
But then a familiar voice filtered through the main room of our shelter. Our lives were about to end as Kathryn and Chakotay. We were about ready to resume our roles as Captain and Commander.
New Earth shattered like crystal. As I let the water of the lake close over me, I turn my mind away for a while. Kathryn and I, were far from being over.