| Project Alfred Nobel: Phase Two of Global Domination | |
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| Project Alfred Nobel: Phase Two of Global Domination | |
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After successfully integrating Cuba into the Greater Canadian Co-Prosperity Sphere, the industrious imperialist forces set their sights on the donut hole of Europe - Switzerland. Surrounded by questionable countries, the Swiss have stood alone for years, fiercely proud of their independence and enviable lifestyle. This will all change when Canada's awesome military might is unleashed upon the Continent.
Switzerland is an appealing takeover target because of its tasty cheese and chocolate, neato Swiss Army watches and knives, excellent clocks, low P/E ratio, fine banking system, and good skiing. When all of these factors are considered, who wouldn't want to capture Switzerland?
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Because Canada is no longer content to merely take over through overwhelmingly convincing propaganda, Project Candu's brutal force will be brought to bear in a gnarly show of Canadian pride. Knowing full well that the Swiss would fight to the last man, Imperialist policy-makers have come up with a brilliant strategy - fire a warning shot over their bow. Canadian ICBMs (featuring "Road Sense" warheads, yielding 50 megatons each) will beat the crap out of Austria as a warning to the Swiss that, hey, we mean business. Besides, Austria has had it coming for years, because that's where Hitler was born. |
We anticipate that the bombing will shake the Swiss political structure, and a few well-placed bribes from Brian Mulroney (through Bombardier, to Airbus Industrie, the Swiss aerospace firm) will probably encourage the Swiss President Jean Piaget to step aside in favor of the conquering Canadian troops. Wearing their blue UN berets, the Canadian soldiers will drive triumphantly through the streets of Venice (Switzerland's capital) and other Swiss cities, where the citizens will greet us in German, French and Italian. "Thanks for not nuking us!" they'll shout with glee, and Conrad Beck would have pro-Canada messages in each of his 83 daily newspapers.
| One official Swiss language is noticably
absent. That's right, we didn't forget about the Romansh-speaking people in the valleys
of eastern Switzerland. The bright light from the burning remains of Innsbruck would
be keeping the Romansh people up at night, and that's when they get ornery. Canadian propaganda would be directed to the other 99%
of the population, but the Romansh just wouldn't get the message. Canadian soldiers
would see their first action here, but the fighting would be fast and furious - people
defending their homes and country wouldn't stand a chance against our proud and loyal
Canadian Forces (plus, we have tanks called Grizzlies and they only have |
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Of course, extremists around the world would object to Canada's use of nuclear weapons against Austria. "They didn't do anything to you," the whiners would cry. But did they REALLY? In any case, there would be a certain degree of outrage against Canada's foreign policy decision, especially their taking-over-the-world policy, and even more specifically, the fact that the remains of Austria glow in the dark. World leaders would be on the phones to Canada within minutes. Canada could divert attention by pretending not to speak English, telling the world leader, "You've got the wrong number, jerk," or by keeping the line busy. If the offended leader came in person to Canada, we could turn off the lights and pretend that no one's home. This should delay everyone excited about the whole event until ... "The Peace In Our Time" Summit Talks, held in neutral Geneva. Details will be arriving shortly.
