I have no luck with the ladies. It is that pure and simple. Sometimes, even I have a hard time believing that I haven't had a steady relationship in over 20 years. They'd all say that I was too nice, or too good to be true, or my absolute favorite-it just isn't working out. I mean, wow that seems to convey superb intellect. Of course, like all stories that start off like this, I'm supposed to say that it wasn't always like this. Guess what. It was. It probably always will be. So what have I decided to do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I gave up on women and relationships, and I moved on to better things.

"Like what?" you ask. Well, for starters I go out fishing now. Yes, fishing. I know it doesn't seem to be the greatest of things in the world and you probably wind up spending 300 dollars per fish, but to me it seems worth it. It relaxes me to fish. I'm content to just sit there with my rod in my hands not really caring one way or another whether something bites. And if it does, so be it-I caught a fish and I'm happy about it. Guess what-it's cheaper than a woman. Besides, once I catch the fish, it shuts up. Once I catch a woman, all I get is a headache and an empty wallet. At least this way I avoid the headache.

Someone once asked me if I ever wanted something more out of life. If I thought that I should be striving for a better purpose than Moby Carp. I thought for a moment. Pondered the great mystery of that question and came up with an absolutely brilliant answer. No. I didn't. I may not be good at it, but I like fishing. I've had friends read to me from the Bible. Apparently, they think that I haven't heard or it. I've read it a few times. Yes me. I read it cover to cover approximately 4 times. The beginning had a lot of things I liked and a lot of things I didn't like. Did you know that for someone who can generally read a chapter an hour, it takes him 20 days to stay awake through the book of Numbers. I didn't like Moses so much, he seemed to drone on and on. The point, I think, was even lost to him. I mean come on-either you strive to live life yourself or you do like Moses and follow a bush. Even better, let's have the bountiful luck that Noah did. He got to clean the boat.

Jesus was a great guy. I liked his work. Everything he said made sense. After the endless research I've done in life I've found that Jesus spoke a lot of truths about the world. It seems that everyone agreed with what he had to say--minus the atheists. Granted, they are people too, but in this paragraph, they don't count. Sorry guys maybe next paragraph. So-yeah, everyone liked Jesus. I loved the guy, I mean he's the Son of God, he can have anything he wants, tell anyone what to do and what does he wind up doing? He walks around with 12 of his best friends looking for more people to talk to. And all this time you thought the beatniks were original. HA! HA I say! Oh, and you want a part that is the best read in your entire life? Check out the part about his coming back to life. Stephen Spielberg has nothing on this guy. Get this-Jesus comes back from the dead. His tomb (which was sealed shut with a stone the size of my Buick) is completely empty with exception to his shroud. Then when he's back with his 12 friends, who are mourning his death, he shows them his wounds. I mean come on! Does this not sound like what you would do with 12 of your buddies? "Hey John-check it out! I got a hole in my side! Thomas! Dude-you have got to see this-here, put your finger in it!"

Granted, with my friends, we'd probably all be drunk at that point. The Irish people, whom I am descended from, believe that the passing of a loved one is not something to be mourned, per say, it's more of a time to party. Those who have died have gone off to a better place. Why? Because of that great Jesus guy that's why. Heaven has got to be a great place. I wish I could say that I can't wait to get there, but I think I'll wait until at least chapter 20 before I make that leap of faith. Something which I'm sure an atheist would love; a leap of faith. Someone brilliant once told me that life must be hard as an atheist. I know I couldn't be one. I would spend the rest of my life as a recluse. I couldn't ever leave my home for fear that I might catch something and die. Why would I fear death so much you ask? Surely you know already, it is because without God, where do you go after death? Without religion at all you would go nowhere in death. Nothing would exist. Chaos would reign in my head. So as it seems, was my problem.

Chaos.

And you thought you life was screwed up. Please, if you knew half the things that go through my head just from the mere mention of the word Chaos, you would think that I was a certifiable whacko that needed to be locked up in a mental institution. Well you know what? I've been in one, I wasn't helped, and I don't plan on going back, not even for the cookies. This is the start of my novel.

July 3rd, 2002 was the day that things in my life actually started to work out. I found that odd considering I had just gotten out of a relationship. I'm sure you know the kind. It was the serious beyond all seriousness relationships? Those are either your favorite, or your most hated. To me, it's a mixture of both. I like a woman to have some depth, but too much of a good thing is not so good. She had enough depth to see into my soul it seemed and I gave it up. I should have been massively upset by such a breakup, but instead I was perfectly happy.

After the relationships I've had, I've learned that happiness does not live within a kiss for me. It does not live within another. I find happiness in things like harmless meaningless flirting amongst friends, sitting atop a mountain just to watch a sunset and rise the next day, or-of course-fishing.