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Students, at Hertford College, Oxford, starting their courses this September will have the option to take a degree in genetic engineering, specifically on how to mutate animals.
The course, entitled Gods' Creatures and Other Animals, will be open to both sexes though female attendance is expected to be low. Lecturer, Julian Chulmney-Smyth, said of this "Obviously we would welcome the little ladies on this course, I mean we aren't poofs or anything, but we believe they may object to the bits where we mutate animals."
Educational
The first year will consist of the basic theory of mutation, with some practical demonstrations and student participation exercises. One of these is the experiment where a tadpole has its' genes spliced with that of a ferret. The aim is to create a very fast and agile 'supertadpole'. "The tadpole experiment probably won't go that well because it will happen after only two weeks of training. We'll probably get a load of freaks, and fair few mutant tadpoles!".
In between years one and two a summer school will operate, taking the students to Africa to play God with some bigger animals. At this stage they should have grasped the basics of genetic alteration and be able to produce some quality creations, such as Mildred The Two Headed Cow, which an assistant lecturer knocked up for us during the interview. The final two years will be spent on practical training at respected companies. They will create strange chimeras for various places such as amusement parks, corporate meetings and Amsterdam's Red Light Zone.
One such company that has expressed an interest in the project is DisraeliLand - Paris who need modified animals for a new ride about Gulf War Syndrome.
All Creatures Grated and Sold
The new course has, inevitably, met with opposition from those terminally anal members of the community. One such pillar of salt, Duncan Freebody-Diagram, had this to say, "I really can't believe that people would do such a thing. They are inhuman and should be hung, drawn and quartered." When it was suggested that he was being even more inhuman he merely shrugged, mumbled his excuses and left the taxi.
Theological
The new course could not have come at a worst time for those struggling for a total ban on fox hunting. It effectively puts everything they have worked for six feet under. From a shotgun wound to the head. One such campaigner, Filthy Bastard, had this to say, "That's not actually true." Some people believed him for a while until we kindly pointed out that his highest grade at GCSE level was a 'D' in Home Economics.
The real clincher in the problems came from an unexpected corner. So unexpected that by the time everyone had turned round to look in that direction the mystery speaker had vanished, leaving only his words behind. "So what if we are playing God. Does it not say in the Bible than the Holy Spirit is in every one. Yes? And is it not true that the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are one and the same? So are we not God? So why shouldn't we play God?"
This may seem barbaric but at the Society we think that anything to get the spectre of fees off student's minds can't be that bad.
Animals were treated appallingly during the writing of this article.
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