|
Just when the public had given up hope of the real-estate thief known only as 'the Bloke' ever being apprehended, he was cornered in an industrial lay-by last night and given a right good kicking by local police.
Being the hard-as-nails grass-root-level reporter I am, here's my worm's-eye-view on the case, from the inside out, backwards.
The final big tip-off that the police needed to catch 'the Bloke' came from residents of an obscure Woking suburb ( named 'Bisley' for reasons, God knows what reasons though ) when they noticed that it had been stolen late last Wednesday afternoon.
Local biking hardnut, Gary Garry, rang the Woking police station claiming that he had tried to cycle into Bisley from Woking, but had sadly emerged in Oxshott. At first he assumed he had taken a wrong turning, then merely passed it off as a sub-spatial / temporal displacement caused by inter-dimensional slippage and the quantum whirlpool effect - but the police suspected otherwise.
"This case showed all the hallmarks of our man, 'the Bloke'," said Sgt Fascist of the Woking boys in blue. "Item: he'd stolen an expansive, if dull and worthless piece of real estate. Item: . . . no, that was it. Um."
Veteran
This was not 'the Bloke's first hit. Mainly operating in the home counties, over the past few months 'the Bloke' had accumulated a fair amount, starting with a couple of two-storey houses in Hertfordshire and most recently a middle-class housing estate plus surrounding B-roads from Guildford. This caused distress and havoc for all kinds of people, not least the Ordinance Survey guys.
Genie of the Lamp
'The Bloke's genius was in his careful concealment of his stolen territory, which took more than the police to uncover. After weeks of hiding in municipal skips and throwing myself out of abandoned warehouse windows, I started reporting on this case and learnt from my mate Stew Pigeon ( thanks, Stew! ) that the majority of 'the Bloke's residential swag was subtly integrated into the M25 and coned off for safe keeping, which explains the length of those bloody tailbacks.
Although 'the Bloke', currently undergoing "interrogation" in Woking' intensive care and ABH ward, has not admitted to any motives, it is believed that his intention was to fence the stolen land to various chain-store corporations, who are apparently grateful for any extra land they can get, what with the rising demand for larger cheese counters and all.
But even 'the Bloke' could get too ambitious. With stealing an entire suburb, he'd bitten off more than he could wear on the other foot. "Alerted by the sudden disappearance of Bisley and the up-to-the-minute reports from CNN, the chase was on," remarked Sgt Fascist. "He had no time to stash Bisley anywhere, and that of course slowed him down considerably. It was just a matter of time. And tax-payer's money."
Brutality
'The Bloke' was finally reprimanded at 11:45 last night when, in a last-ditch attempt for freedom, he tried to hide Bisley behind a multi-storey car-park in Acton. His van was instantly identified by its registration and by containing a home counties suburb in the back. 'The Bloke', who has still not been identified, was shot three times in the leg by policemen to prevent his escape, although the cell he was in at the time was fairly well guarded.
As trial procedures begin, police and residents alike are confident that the Queen's clean soil should be returned to its proper place and be safe from the wandering hands of crime. "Yeah, I'm confident, me," said a confident local.
That was that, and this is Jack 'the Hack' for the Society reminding you to bolt not only your doors and windows but your building estate as well.
|
|
