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The sporting world was rocked this month by the unveiling of the most exciting thing to come out of Canada since venison and Northern Exposure.
Locals have been looking for a way to bridge the divide between themselves and everywhere else, so they finally hit upon a mutual source of entertainment for people the world over - watching people die.
Yeoman
"It's well-known that, back in the mediaeval ages, public executions used to be a bit of a popular event for the townsfolk," remarked Jean-Luc Quaffbauer, mastermind behind the Execution Olympics. "We just took this idea to its logical conclusion - we built a stadium and had guys selling hot-dogs." Ridiculously simple, actually. Surprising no-one else thought of it. But then the Canadians are part French, aren't they?
The world's first Execution Olympics will be hosted by Canada in the year 2000, giving nations plenty of time to get their teams in order. Some of the events, already heartily approved by the Olympic Committee, will include the High Lynch, with athletes seeing how far they can fall without snapping their necks, Electric Chair Tobogganing - looks set to be a good one - and the 800m Lethal Injection Relay, where runners are required to run a distance and inject the next team member before they pass away. The most promising event so far is the Manhunt Marathon, in which athletes leave the stadium on day 1 of the Olympics and run a gruelling cross-country course of 26 miles, pursued by bounty hunters, the winner being the first to make it across the border alive.
Gruel Britannia
Britain has already begun to prepare for this athletic, and indeed fatal, test of endurance and skill with all the enthusiasm and anticipation of Death Row convicts. "It's a welcome change for athletes," commented Julia Tawnyowl, who has been appointed captain of the Girls' Guillotine Freestyle team. "It gives us new goals to work towards, but, y'know, as ever it reminds us that a career as an athlete can be pretty short. But I can confidently say that everyone's going to have the time of their lives." Indeed, gold-medal promises loom on the horizon for Britain as she wiped the floor with competitors France and Germany in the preliminary Locked-In-A-Room-With-A-Revolver-And-Expected-To-Do-The-Honourable-Thing rounds. Team captain Mark Nevertakessteroids was too busy being cremated to comment.
Internatio-nazi
With international competition on such a bloodthirsty level the Execution Olympics looks set to become almost as big as the World Cup. But not quite. Imagine - in just over a year's time, the sacred Olympic flame will start its journey carried by an athlete to Quebec, Canada, where said athlete will be ceremoniously tied to a stake and burnt with said flame. The sporting world awaits with baited breath. Remember - heads will roll.
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