|
Activists in Crawley angrily denounced local hospital patients as 'sick men' yesterday as worrying news emerged about the handling of many routine operations by so-called 'rogue surgeons'. The hospital had earlier offered a full apology to Mr. Tim Peckham, 29, who claims that his operation to remove an ingrown toenail could have wrecked his marriage and his career prospects.
'It had been hurting for several weeks' he recalled 'and so I decided to have it out. They said it would just be a quick overnight operation. The surgeon seemed nice enough, except that he had just the one eye, in the centre of his forehead, and he kept on breaking off in the middle of his sentences and laughing. He said I would be the first of a new race of people he would create. I thought he was talking about toenail patients. And when I came round I had the fright of my life. He had cut off my arms and legs while I was under anaesthetic and replaced them with bionic limbs, drilled a hole in my chest and inserted a powerpack, and stuck a big TV screen in the middle of my forehead. I feel like a prat.'
Honestly!
'He says he'll come back on Thursday and attach machine-guns to the mountings on my shoulders, but quite frankly I'm so cross with him for not asking first I might not bother waiting. I can't imagine what my wife will say when she finds out. At least that bloody toenail has stopped hurting.' The Society set out to investigate just how easy it is to pass as a surgeon by sending our reporter to several well-known hospitals in the area. In most cases we found that walking into the hospital with a face-mask on was enough to gain employment; our reporter actually managed to assist in fourteen operations and perform one heart-bypass - without having any medical training at all. Another damning blow to the NHS.
Land Of Ozzzzzzz
Confusion at Royal Crawley Hospital intensified later in the day when authorities revealed that the Surgeon General was in fact the Headless Horseman, of 'Legend of Sleepy Hollow' fame. Mr. Horseman's position was defended by his staff, who claimed that he had actually qualified in medicine and joined the hospital as a consultant in the late Seventies. 'Having no head' said one senior doctor, 'does not necessarily make him bad at his job. And riding a horse means he can see over the operating table easily - which most of us can't, being Munchkins.'
Is the use of popular children's-story-characters in NHS hospitals a good thing or not? Only time will tell.
Private Gains
But all the debating comes as little consolation to Mr. Peckham, who is now trying to rebuild his life. 'The infra-red vision is kind of cool.' he admitted to us. 'But I might go private next time.'
|
|
