Subject:  Jar

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said,  "Take this 
jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's 
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty 
as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
 "Well, doc, it's like this:  First I tried with my right 
hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I 
asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand. but 
nothing. Then her left, but nothing.  She even tried with her 
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and 
still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she 
tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

======================================================================

Subject: Hypnosis In Church

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in 
the collection plates each Sunday.  Someone suggested to him 
that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation 
into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" 
he asked.

"It is very simple.  First you turn up the air conditioner 
so that the auditorium is warmer than usual.  Then you 
preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a 
chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and 
suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and 
lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.  Now, 
the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique 
each and every Sunday.  So therefore, he waited for a couple 
of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, 
the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern 
with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Sh-t!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

======================================================================

Subject:  Ray's tennis elbow

Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing 
by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in.  The 
nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but 
first he had to provide a urine sample.  Ray told her that was 
absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. 
Finally, he agreed.

Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That 
tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?"

"The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked.  "No," the doctor 
replied.

"It's the urinalysis."  He explained that he'd purchased a 
new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical 
condition with total accuracy.  The machine cost a fortune, 
but it cut down on his work so much that he was able
to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon.

Ray didn't believe a word.  However, he did agree to provide 
another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup.

Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking 
with his wife about the ridiculous machine.  They decided to 
have some fun with the doctor.  Ray peed in the bottle, and so 
did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the 
garage door, Ray had another idea.

He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, 
and then beat off and added a few more drops.  Then he shook 
up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to 
the nurse.

This time the analysis took an entire hour.  When Ray sat down, 
the doctor looked at him. "I've got some bad news for you," he 
said. "Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car 
is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, 
that tennis elbow is never going to heal."

======================================================================

Subject:  Test

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.  One of them 
was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So?  Why are you crying?  Are you  
afraid?"
The first guy replied,  "No.  Not that.  During the blood test 
they cut my finger."  
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, 
"Why are you crying?"  
Then the second guy replied,  "I have come for a urine test."

======================================================================

Subject: Alabama Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that 
that was enough (they could not afford a double-wide). So, 
the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and 
told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any 
more children. The doctor told him  that there was a procedure 
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor 
instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb light it, put it 
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. 
He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 
5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can 
between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. . .

If any of my jokes have offended you, please write me by 
clicking my e-mail address below.  Also, if you have jokes 
you'd like to share with me, please don't be shy.  Just click 
my e-mail address below, and mail me the joke.  You can also 
include your name in the e-mail, so i can appropriately credit 
it to you.  Thanks...

This page has been visited times by cool people like yourself