Subject:  Anti-lawyer

Not all lawyers are scum.  I know one who stopped cheating 
on his clients and lying to jurors on the very same day.
It was a beautiful funeral.  

======================================================================

Subject:  Zoo

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile 
house at the Bronx  Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over 
the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can’t get them 
back in their cages.  Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer?  Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their langauge!"

======================================================================

Subject: Heavenly Love

A young engaged couple is killed in a car accident.  As 
they're standing in line at the pearly gates, they lament 
over the fact that they never had the chance to get married.  
When they finally get to St. Peter, the man asks, 
"Is it possible for a couple to get married in heaven?"

St. Peter looks a little surprised and says, "No one has ever 
asked me that before, but I don't see why not."  He takes the 
couple to a small room and tells them to wait there until he 
comes back.

So the couple waits.  And waits.  And waits a little longer.  
Four months go by and they're still waiting.  In that time 
they've had only each other to talk to and have gotten to know 
each other extremely well.  While they still want to get 
married, they're not nearly as enthusiastic about the idea.

At last St. Peter comes back.  This time the woman speaks.  "We 
still want to be married," she says, "but I just wanted to 
know.... um.... you know, 
just in case.... uh.... is it possible 
to get a divorce in heaven?"

St. Peter gives her a look that lets her know he's more than 
a little annoyed and says, "Look, it's taken me four months 
to find a preacher around here.  How long do you think it's 
going to take me to find a lawyer?"

======================================================================

Subject:  Q and A

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you 
never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the 
lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the 
lawyer.  "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.  "Yes," 
the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a 
lawyer.  You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

======================================================================

--special bonus joke--

Subject:  Bill Clinton (ok, he's not a lawyer, but the idea is 
          the feelings about him are the same)

Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was 
walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. 

He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says,
"George, you were always wise, what should I do?" 

Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says,
"ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed 
that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it 
again. 

He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same 
request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what 
can I do to rally people behind me?" 

Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT 
WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." 

After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to 
all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln
Memorial.  "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence 
in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?"

After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF 
GO TO THE THEATER."

If any of my jokes have offended you, please write me by 
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