Quotes Haven't Been Verified But Are Funny Regardless
YOGI BERRA'S FAMOUS QUOTES
Is this DeJavu all over again?
It ain't over 'till its over
If i didnt wake up, i would still be sleeping"
You better cut the pizza in 4 pieces because im not hungry enough
to eat 6
Baseball is 90% mental and the other half physical
The loss of life will be irreplaceable
You cant think and hit at the same time
Nice Guys Finish Last
Tom Seaver: Hey, Yogi, what time is it? Yogi Berra: You mean now?
Nobody eats there anymore, it's too crowded
It gets late early out here
If you don't have a goal, any road will get you there
When you come to a fork in the road, take it
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are
going, because you might not get there.
You can observe a lot by just watching
You give 100% in the first half of the game and if that isn't
enough, in the second half you give what's left.
Never let the truth interfer with a good story.
I really didn't say everything i said
If you can't imitate him, don't copy him
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, then they won't go to
yours.
"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here
to preserve disorder"
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all"
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas"
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"The internet is a great way to get on the net"
-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"It is bad luck to be superstitious"
-Andrew Mathis
"He was a man of great statue"
-Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins
"It's like an alcatraz around my neck"
-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on,
but they take them off."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of
pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to
keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work,
unemployment results."
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
-General William Westmoreland
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter
will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British
foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. --Erma
Bombeck
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an
operation, he touched up the X-rays. --Joey Bishop
Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you
wouldn't be seen dead at.
--Bill Vaughan
The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn
are composed entirely of lost airline baggage. --Mark Russell
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. --Fred
Allen
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it weren't for him, we'd be
watching television by candlelight. --Milton Berle
It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either
charming or tedious.
--Oscar Wilde
It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is
mostly holes. --Mary Wilson Little
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only
advise his client to plant vines. --Frank Lloyd Wright
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
--Oscar Wilde
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to
anyone, but they've always worked for me. --Hunter S. Thompson
It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to
open it and remove all doubt. --Mark Twain
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become
well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
--Fred Allen
Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than
golf. --Will Rogers
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. --Katherine
Hepburn
Never take a reference from a clergyman. They always want to give
someone a second chance. --Lady Selborne
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
--Anthony Burgess
It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take
the chance. --Ronald Reagan
Death is the most convenient time to tax rich people. --David
Lloyd George
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
--Groucho Marx
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." ---Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM (1943)
"My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks
like a 'regular guy'--no earring or anything. But really I think
a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean,
he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita
Rudner
"We all live in the twentieth century. Well, I don't live in
the twentieth century. --Dan Quayle
"Ron White was not one of the very first original members of
the Motown staff, but eventually he was." --Smokey Robinson
"I'm for a stronger death penalty." --President George
Bush
"Some people think football is a matter of life and
death...I can assure them it is much more serious than
that." --Bill Shankly
"Those beelhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of
playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my
room." --Henny Youngman
"I could come back to America..to die..but never, never to
live." --Henry James
"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise
in the ocean level wouldn't cure." --Ross MacDonald
"The French will only be united under the threat of danger.
Nobody can simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of
cheese." --Charles de Gaulle
Hollywood: "A place where they shoot too many pictures and
not enough actors." --Walter Winchell
"Hollywood is the only place you can wake up in the morning
and hear the birds coughing in the trees." --Joe Frisco
"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the pricipal one was
that they escaped teething." --Mark Twain
"Met a guy this morning with a glass eye. He didn't tell
me-it just came out in the conversation." --Jerry Dennis
On opening a new annex at Vancouver City Hall: "I declare
this thing open - whatever it is." --Prince Philip, Duke of
Edinburgh
"It usually takes me more than 3 weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech." --Mark Twain
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me." --Fred Allen
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in
the end." --Margaret Thatcher
"I can resist everything except temptation." --Oscar
Wilde
"Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a
receipt." --Frank McKinney Hubbard
"My wife is a light eater; as soon as it's light, she starts
eating." --Henny Youngman
The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. --Helen Rowland
It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all. --Georges Courteline
The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they're attractive it will updet my players and if they're not it will upset me. --Thomas Beecham
Writing to a magzine that had published his obituary: I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. --Rudyard Kipling
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. --Wilson Misner
No self-respecting fish would be wrapped ina Murdoch newspaper. --Mike Royko
The play was a total success but the audience was a total failure. --Oscar Wilde
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. --Sam Goldwyn
Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. --Billy Wilder (attrib.)
You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. --Michael Wilding
It's amazing how many people see you on TV. I did my first
television show a month ago and the next day five million
televison sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs
threw them away.
--Bob Hope
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. --Ernie Kovacs
If a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's twenty-four, she may be lucky. --Deborah Kerr
She doesn't not understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought World War Eleven. --Joan Rivers
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. --Christopher Morley
Women's styles may change but their designs remain the same. --Oscar Wilde
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. --Phyllis Diller
When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead. --Judith Viorst
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months. --Oscar Wilde
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. --Phil
White
"You'll never know until you try it" works pretty well
for most unknowns, but "I wonder if it hurts to saw off the
tip of my tongue?" is probably not one of them. --Doug
Rendall
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others
are here for I don't know. --W.H. Auden
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them
is doing the thinking. --Lyndon Baines Johnson
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it
I'd eat it, and I just hate it. --Clarence Darrow
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. --Susan Ertz
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark
Twain
Life was a lot simpler when we honored father and mother rather
than all the major credit cards. --Robert Orben
"Whenever I watch tv and see those poor, starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, i would love to be
that skinny, but not with all those flies and death and death and
stuff." --Mariah Carey
"I haven't commited a crime, what I did was fail to comply
with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City mayor
answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you are killed, you have lost a very
important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for an anti-smoking campaign.
"Outside the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington
D.C.
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