Quotes Haven't Been Verified But Are Funny Regardless


Is this DeJavu all over again?
It ain't over 'till its over
If i didnt wake up, i would still be sleeping"
You better cut the pizza in 4 pieces because im not hungry enough to eat 6
Baseball is 90% mental and the other half physical
The loss of life will be irreplaceable
You cant think and hit at the same time
Nice Guys Finish Last
Tom Seaver: Hey, Yogi, what time is it? Yogi Berra: You mean now?
Nobody eats there anymore, it's too crowded
It gets late early out here
If you don't have a goal, any road will get you there
When you come to a fork in the road, take it
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
You can observe a lot by just watching
You give 100% in the first half of the game and if that isn't enough, in the second half you give what's left.
Never let the truth interfer with a good story.
I really didn't say everything i said
If you can't imitate him, don't copy him
If you don't go to other peoples funerals, then they won't go to yours.

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder"
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"If you've seen one Redwood tree, you've seen them all"
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"The internet is a great way to get on the net"
-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"It is bad luck to be superstitious"
-Andrew Mathis

"He was a man of great statue"
-Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

"It's like an alcatraz around my neck"
-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-General William Westmoreland

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. --Erma Bombeck

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. --Joey Bishop

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn't be seen dead at.
--Bill Vaughan

The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage. --Mark Russell

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. --Fred Allen

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it weren't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. --Milton Berle

It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious.
--Oscar Wilde

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes. --Mary Wilson Little

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines. --Frank Lloyd Wright

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. --Oscar Wilde

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. --Hunter S. Thompson

It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. --Mark Twain

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. --Fred Allen

Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf. --Will Rogers

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. --Katherine Hepburn

Never take a reference from a clergyman. They always want to give someone a second chance. --Lady Selborne

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. --Anthony Burgess

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance. --Ronald Reagan

Death is the most convenient time to tax rich people. --David Lloyd George

Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. --Groucho Marx

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." ---Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM (1943)

"My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'--no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner

"We all live in the twentieth century. Well, I don't live in the twentieth century. --Dan Quayle

"Ron White was not one of the very first original members of the Motown staff, but eventually he was." --Smokey Robinson

"I'm for a stronger death penalty." --President George Bush

"Some people think football is a matter of life and death...I can assure them it is much more serious than that." --Bill Shankly

"Those beelhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room." --Henny Youngman

"I could come back to America..to die..but never, never to live." --Henry James

"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." --Ross MacDonald

"The French will only be united under the threat of danger. Nobody can simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese." --Charles de Gaulle

Hollywood: "A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors." --Walter Winchell

"Hollywood is the only place you can wake up in the morning and hear the birds coughing in the trees." --Joe Frisco

"Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the pricipal one was that they escaped teething." --Mark Twain

"Met a guy this morning with a glass eye. He didn't tell me-it just came out in the conversation." --Jerry Dennis

On opening a new annex at Vancouver City Hall: "I declare this thing open - whatever it is." --Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh

"It usually takes me more than 3 weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." --Mark Twain

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." --Fred Allen

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end." --Margaret Thatcher

"I can resist everything except temptation." --Oscar Wilde

"Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt." --Frank McKinney Hubbard

"My wife is a light eater; as soon as it's light, she starts eating." --Henny Youngman

The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. --Helen Rowland

It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all. --Georges Courteline

The trouble with women in an orchestra is that if they're attractive it will updet my players and if they're not it will upset me. --Thomas Beecham

Writing to a magzine that had published his obituary: I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. --Rudyard Kipling

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. --Wilson Misner

No self-respecting fish would be wrapped ina Murdoch newspaper. --Mike Royko

The play was a total success but the audience was a total failure. --Oscar Wilde

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. --Sam Goldwyn

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. --Billy Wilder (attrib.)

You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves. --Michael Wilding

It's amazing how many people see you on TV. I did my first television show a month ago and the next day five million televison sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.
--Bob Hope

Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. --Ernie Kovacs

If a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she's twenty-four, she may be lucky. --Deborah Kerr

She doesn't not understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought World War Eleven. --Joan Rivers

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. --Christopher Morley

Women's styles may change but their designs remain the same. --Oscar Wilde

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. --Phyllis Diller

When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he's dead. --Judith Viorst

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. --Oscar Wilde

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. --Phil White

"You'll never know until you try it" works pretty well for most unknowns, but "I wonder if it hurts to saw off the tip of my tongue?" is probably not one of them. --Doug Rendall

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. --W.H. Auden

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. --Lyndon Baines Johnson

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. --Clarence Darrow

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. --Susan Ertz

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. --Mark Twain

Life was a lot simpler when we honored father and mother rather than all the major credit cards. --Robert Orben

"Whenever I watch tv and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, i would love to be that skinny, but not with all those flies and death and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"I haven't commited a crime, what I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you are killed, you have lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for an anti-smoking campaign.

"Outside the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

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