Written and Directed by Michael Nesmith
    Original Air Date on ABC:  February 17, 1997
    Transcript from television broadcast by Estrella Lee

CAST:

Davy    ...  David Jones
Mike    ...  Michael Nesmith
Micky   ...  Micky Dolenz
Peter   ...  Peter Tork

Lawyer        ...    John Brockman
Tour Guide    ...    Bill Martin (V)
Woman         ...    Sarah Jones
Young Boy     ...    James Williams (XI)
Driver        ...    Mia Perez
Date          ...    Marco Rea
Guard         ...    Jon Greene
Manager       ...    Chuck Woolery
Princess      ...    Gillian Holt

 [OPENING CREDITS]

1    INT.MONKEES' PAD, KITCHEN - DAY

Standing at the kitchen counter is MICKY, in a WELDER'S OUTFIT.  On the counter are several glasses that are overflowing with glitter.  MICKY is explaining to DAVY, who WEARS AN APRON, what the stuff in the glasses are for.

                            MICKY
           ... has a job instead of us, by
           trashing the place?

                            PETER
           There's a lot of funny euphenisms for
           throw up.

                            MICKY
                       (to DAVY)
           You know, they were spinning around
           and stuff?  Well, they had a gimmick!
           They were grungy, offensive and loud ...

                            DAVY
                       (agreeing)
           And rich!

                            PETER
                       (continuing in his plane)
           Like 'toss your cookies'...

                            MICKY
                       (to DAVY)
           Yeah, exactly.  Rich!  What's the name
           of that other band, the one with the
           blood and the make-up?  Umm...

                            DAVY
                       (guessing)
           KISS?

                            MICKY
                       (politely)
           No, thanks.  You know, they have high
           heels, and uh, the guy has a nine foot
           tongue.  What was their name?

As MICKY is talking, MIKE comes in from another room and comes up to kitchen counter, curious to what MICKY is cooking up.

                            MIKE
                        (guessing)
           Uh, KISS?

                            MICKY
           No, but Davy wants one!

MIKE looks at DAVY strangly, DAVY just holds up his hands and shaking his head indicating that's not what he wants.

                            MICKY
                       (continuing)
           Anyway, they're rich too!

                            PETER
                       (continuing also)
           ... or uh, driving the porcelain bus?

                            MICKY
           You know, I figured we could become the
           world's first throw-up band!  You know,
           'Hey, hey, we're the Monkees, and people
           say we *bleah*!
                       (laughs)
           Kids'll love it!

                            DAVY
                       (sternly)
           Two year olds, maybe.  Tonight, we're
           playing the most prestigious country club
           in the city!

                            MIKE
                       (correcting MICKY)
           The name of the *band* is KISS!

                            DAVY
                       (adding in to his last line)
           Could be in the world!

                            MIKE
                       (adding in to *his* last line)
           They're like Kabuki metal!

                            DAVY
                       (about the country club)
           We can't just go in there and well, I
           don't know ...

                            PETER
                       (rambling more euphenisms)
           Blow chow?  Although, that's a lot like
           blow lunch.

                            MICKY
                       (to DAVY)
           Well, it doesn't have to be gross.  It
           can be more like confetti!

                            DAVY
           People don't want to see us,
                       (to PETER)
           what did you say, 'tossing a sandwich'?

                            PETER
           No, but that works.  Better if it's hurl
           a sandwich, but toss works.

                            DAVY
                       (to MICKY)
           Look, even if does look like confetti,
           the club today is always for the best
           people.  We have to dress up and play it
           straight!

                            MIKE
                       (to MICKY)
           I can do Tazmanian Kabuki!

MIKE does an IMITATION OF A KABUKI ACTOR, and then blends into a SPINNING TAZMANIAN DEVIL complete with growls.  He then returns back to NORMAL.

                            MICKY
                       (indicating MIKE)
           See, that's great!

DAVY is not one bit happy about the previous gimmick.

                            DAVY
           No, it is not great.  It is silly!

PETER picks up a glass from the counter and carries it to a table.  He tries to drink, but the CONTENTS aren't exactly smelling like cafe d'latte.

                            PETER
                      (to MICKY)
           What's in this stuff?

                            MICKY
                       (warns)
           Don't ask.

PETER holds glass, looks at CAMERA, and raises his eyebrow a la SPOCK.

                            MIKE
           Davy's right.  We don't really need a
           gimmick!  It's like Believe.
                       (recites)
           I believe for every drop of rain that
           falls, a flower grows!

                            MICKY
                       (motivated
           And everytime the Monkees sing, they
           also blow!

DAVY gives MICKY a very disappointed look.

                            DAVY
                       (upset)
           Noo!!

DAVY starts heading towards the REFRIGERATOR.

                            MICKY
                       (confused, to the others)
           What?  What did I say?

DAVY bends down and opens the REFRIGERATOR.

2    DAVY'S POV - INTERIOR OF REFRIGERATOR

We see an assortment of usual items in here:
a STATUETTE of BEETHOVEN, a REMAINING TOMATO, a BOTTLED WATER, FRESH PINEAPPLE, HARPO MARX GLASSES with nose and hair, RED CRAB, PLASTIC T-REX, and a TOUR GUIDE giving a TOUR to FOUR TOURISTS.

                           TOUR GUIDE
           On your right, a replica of a tomato
           hurled at Micky during a concert in 1983
           by an irate cattleman, who believed he
           had purchased tickets to a chili cook-off!
           Now if you'll follow me upstairs to the
           freezer section, where we'll see what is
           believed to be the world's first tv
           dinner!  A gift from a fan--

3    INT.MONKEES' PAD, KITCHEN - DAY

DAVY looks at the camera with contempt, shakes his head, grabs PINEAPPLE, and closes the door.  He proceeds to walk towards the DINING TABLE.  Before he takes three steps forward he notices MICKY ADMIRING GLASS OF CONFETTI.

                           DAVY
                       (sternly to MICKY)
           Terrible!  No gimmicks!

DAVY proceeds to walk towards the DINING TABLE, however MICKY steps up and contronts him.

                           MICKY
                       (blocking DAVY'S path)
           Now, how can you say that?  What about
           all those Davy-falling-in-love stars,
           huh?  That's a gimmick!

                           DAVY
                       (defending himself)
           No, I never ever did those on purpose,
           besides that was such a long time ago
           anyway!

A YELLOW STAR pops out of DAVY'S EAR and hovers over his head. Davy notices the culprit and eyes it in annoyance.

                           MICKY
                       (indicating HOVERING STAR)
           Uh-huh, what about *that* one?

                           DAVY
                       (in strict denial)
           Left-overs!

DAVY shoos STAR away, but MICKY will not move until he hears the truth.

                            DAVY
                       (faltering)
           Well, maybe not entirely!  But I did run
           into someone the other day, but I didn't
           do it on purpose, you know!

                            MICKY
                       (not giving an inch)
           Mm-hmm.

                            DAVY
                       (still faltering)
           It just happens!

                            MICKY
           Mm-hmm.

DAVY'S wishing he would just be given a break.

                           DAVY
           But that is not a gimmick!

                           MICKY
           Mm-hmm.

DAVY manages to get past MICKY, heads to the TABLE, and places the PINEAPPLE on it.  PETER walks up to the table.

                           PETER
           I can do Donald Duck has a temper tantrum!

True to word, PETER STARTS IMITATING Donald Duck with a temper tantrum.

                           MICKY
                       (to DAVY)
           See, that's great too!

MIKE is standing at the bandstand with the guitar strapped on.

                           MIKE
           We'd better start rehearsing before
           another plot line shows up!

MICKY walks up to the bandstand and takes his place at the DRUMS.

                           MIKE
           Are we going to dress alike?

                           DAVY
           Absolutely!  People still want to see a
           professional show!

DAVY walks up to bandstand.

                           MICKY

           Hey!  How about if we dress as
           professional wrestlers!

CUT TO:

MONKEES on the BANDSTAND dressed as PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS, complete with masks and tight outfits.

                           DAVY
                       (Not amused)
           Come on, you guys!

CUT TO:

THE MONKEES on the BANDSTAND in normal outfits.  PETER straps on his BASS.

                            MIKE
           Is this the club that wouldn't let in
           Ethel Merman because she was wearing
           pants?

DAVY nods his head in agreement.

                            MICKY
                       (to MIKE)
           Don't you mean Esther Merman, the
           underwater swimmer?

                            PETER
           No, Esther Williams was the underwater
           swimmer.

                            MICKY
                       (confused)
           Then, who's Esther Merman?

                            MIKE
           Esther Merman was the underwater singer.
                       (laughing)
 

                            PETER
                       (slightly amused?)
           Ha, ha, ha!

                            DAVY
           C'mon, guys!  We really do need to
           rehearse before ...

WOMAN opens FRONT DOOR and enters pad.

                            DAVY
                        (cont'd)
           Uh, oh!  Too late!

DAVY walks down to greet the WOMAN halfway.
She seems to be in a hurry.

                            WOMAN
                        (in distress)
           Quick, hide me!!  I'm being chased by
           guys with cell phones and
                        (lightning flashes, thunder snaps)
           black gloves!!

                            DAVY
                        (disappointed)
           Sorry, darling!  We already did that one!|
                        (to MIKE)
           Hey, hey, Mike, when did we do that one
           anyway?

                            MIKE
           Ages ago, just no cell phones.

                            MICKY
                        (impatiently)
           We're starting to rehearse!

WOMAN tries to sell another PLOT LINE.

                            WOMAN
           How about this?  I can't remember who I
           am!  I woke up in front of a bus stop
           with a note pinned to my dress that read
                       (lightning flashes, thunder roars)
           'Return to Sender'.

MIKE shakes his head in disagreement.

                            DAVY
                       (truly impressed)
           Wow, that is not bad!  What do you think
           guys?

PETER shakes his head in a definite 'no'.

                            DAVY
                       (to WOMAN)
           I'm really sorry, but we have a very
           important gig tonight at one of the
           world's prestigious country clubs, and
           we really do have to rehearse.

This interests WOMAN very much.

                            WOMAN
           Well, can I listen?

DAVY is a little unsure about the idea, but he agrees to it anyways.

                            DAVY
           Umm, okay!

                            WOMAN
           Actually, I'm with a friend, do you mind
           if they come in?

                            DAVY
                       (blasé)
           Sure!  Fine!

WOMAN runs to FRONT DOOR and gives a loud WHISTLE.  The sound of a STAMPEDE starts to fill the screen.  A large group of people run into the pad and stop right in front of the BANDSTAND.

                            MIKE
           Whoa!

                            MICKY
           We weren't expecting an audience, but
           since you're all here, there's drinks in
           the microwave!!

MONKEES start performing SONG: "You and I"

4    ROMP SEQUENCE - ICE RINK

4A    Monkees on ice rink performing while standing

4B    Professional female ice skater skates on rink

4C    Monkees on ice rink performing while skating

4D    Professional female ice skater skates/dances with Monkees

4E    Person in DOG SUIT skates on ice

4F    Person in DOG SUIT skates with female

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