vAmp_gRrrl home

25 february 2002, monday

1:31 a.m.

 

tonite TOOMA is a busy bee...so im left to waffle on my own ...hm readin mail from many days/wks bk ...also worryin n thinkin a bit, abt loadsa stuff ....sigh ..

think one day he ll bust ...sorta worried when thtll b ..n whts gonna happen then ....

 

woke up really late today ..was in a crappy mood for the most part, but handled it ok ...i attnded evenin mass today! whoa ..after er, sev mnths too ..i think in the past yr ive gone like, 5 times to church...n not to attend mass as such, more like to get a peace of mind, talk to god a bit ...when not too many hypocrites r ard....today was a bit of tht, guess i needed a listenin ear..a forgivin one too ..got quite emotional, mst admit (n shhhh! dont remind me) i even shed a few tears....

 

went shoppin for healthy food, becos i really wanna not b fat for TOOMA ..its botherin me like nethin ..to think tht he finds me unattractive :(  blah...i cud care less if nebody else thought that ...but this is TOOMA! so ..a diet is in order ..ugh ...so got some low sugar cereal, instant noodles er cat food for my little doggy ...some mushrooms ...well i dint have much cash on me neway

 

went to the park for a smoke ...then went home, feelin a hundred times better ..cud it ve been divine intervention u think? or was it jst me burnin my lungs lol hahaha ...

 

got home n had some cereal w soy milk, then grapes followin tht ...n then..i brushed my teeth asap, so i wont eat nemore...oh hang on, nah had some soup after the grapes ...was sorta cravin some warm food...coz all of today i had cold food ...b4 church i had some salad ...vinaigrette based of cos...

 

listenin to: judith by inner circle ...hm bit paradoxical, goin to church n now this hehe

 

fyi here r the lyrics

You're such an inspiration for ways that i will never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you how your savior has abandoned you
Fuck your god, your Lord, your Christ

He did this, took all you had and left you this way
Still you pray, never stray, never taste of the fruit, never thought to question
why

It's not like you killed someone

It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed

He did it all for you

He did it all for you

Oh so many ways for me to show you how your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god

Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break, never choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you

You never thought to question why

 

Not like you killed someone

It's not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ as if he knows the reasons why

He did it all to you he did it all for you he did it all for you

for the record..im not a satanist n never will b  ...i believe in god, i believe in relign, i believe in the existence of a higher power...it jst so happens tht i also believe in the evil thts inherent in evy one of us ...

 

well will leave u on this note.

 

6:50 a.m.

 

let the whole world know tht ...i m in luv w TOOMA ....

'come what may'

12:11 a.m

 

how boring...doin job apps, copy/pastin really hahaha...sorta bored, eager for a chat..hm...but best i get this stuff done, or ill b fat n broke forever...

 

so it turned out to b quite a fine day yest, despite what happ the nite before hmmm...well probly i jst got up from the wrong side of the bed...becos TOOMA has been really sweet as of late..so it must b me

i guess a lot of stuff needs gettin used to, like his busy schedule n his careless comments said out of fun, bein the joker tht he is..hehe

 

went out w PL n his nerdy buddy B. the nite turned out ok, we dint do much...had a huge dinner, went for coffee afterwards...hm urs truly does not take coffee, she had a heiny instead...got home pretty early, dealt w some unxpectd mess at home w folks...hmm which shud clear itself out in a cpl of days -- i hope

 

spent the nite w TOOMA =))) ..yes thts a wide smile u c...lol

so did not have the time to come online..ahem...

we fell asleep together...well him first ..as i watched him snooze n snore ...was such a pretty sight =)  baby talked him for a bit...then joined him in slumberland ...zzZzzzz..

 

woke up in the afternoon when RG rang up, apparently full of hurt becos i have not emailed him "for ages!!!" (sniff sniff) ..honest to god i was not countin the days/wks ...not as if ne of it intentional...but i did feel a bit bad, i guess things jst got busy over the hols last wk ....

chatted for a bit, brought up the good ol days -- to no effect, obviously ..n much to his chagrin i guess..."i messed up, i didnt handle the situation properly" he said...hmmm...too late for tht i sppose...

nonetheless we spoke w little ill will ..i mean i will never forget nor forgive what happ...but i have def moved on...n i think he understands tht...

 

listenin to panteras 'cage in a rage' hm..

 

n this evenin? hm had a quiet one ...spoke w veni for a while, abt men what else? argh....

did some readin...the paper..some old issue from nov 25 haha! then walked jinney at 10 or so, then scoured the streets for todays paper ...

 

all in all, a pretty good day ...but missin TOOMA nonetheless...a bit more than usual ...ohwell :|

 

6:38 a.m.

 

so he says im not what he always wanted...im too fat too big too bushy-eyebrowed..says im 'indecent' becos i drink n smoke (the latter which i do like, once every cpl of eons, mind u....) ...i nag too much, n the ultimate let down.... i talk too much. hmpth....n all this while im thinkin he actually found my verbal spewin at least half-endearing (his words: 'u go on n on n on n round n round n round but there is no point to it - the content is missin')...dumb, stupid me...

 

so tonite he ogles n drools on one of his usual girly mags.....pics of pam et al wearin nothin but their plastic chests i spose..n this is after i spend all day missin him, literally speakin ....blah...

says hes on a mission to find some lost issue of sports illustrated... cos apparently it featured all of the worlds models clad in bikinis ..or less...

blah ...bimbos -- w brains or not -- never not look good when they got no clothes on i guess...so whatever...says he watched the filmin of the shots on tv ..which left him all enthralled n awestruck i suppose...

 

then he talks abt an ex, ignorin what im sayin or askin....

 

so what do i do? er somthin ...to hurt myself..n hurt him, possibly....

but of course he doenst give a shit that i did it.... because he wasnt listenin to me whn i told him to begin with!  was too busy talkin abt ..actually i dont even remmber what he was so busy talkin abt ...er his mag mebbe...

 

'c mon, its not as if im tom/brad/etc myself!!!' he portests, in total exasperation ..whn he finally succeeds in squeezin it outta me ....when i tell him whts makin me sad n teary....

'er yea thanks'..i feel a lot better knowin that u do c me as this butt ugly blob of cellulite.....

 

n hes constantly surrounded by these females -- 'hot babes', as he has referd to them on numerous occasns....yea.....n im nothin but a mass of jello ...

 

ok then..

i will sleep on this......yawn... feelin quite sorry for myself....feelin fat, ugly, unwanted....

but uknow somthin.. if he does think these things of me, then who m i to throw a fit? surely i dont xpect him to lie do i? ..ugh... mebe he thinks of pammy when him n i .......

so...the object of my dreams ...hates the way i look 'but uve got a beautiful heart' hahaha......

i feel nauseous....

 

i c the sun comin out..the sky is white n blue now.... time for the vampire to retreat into its cave.....to draw some blood....lol haaha

bye

 

fags puffed: 0

emotional state: 1.5 (self esteem: 0)

alcohol consumed: 0 (for now)

3:57 a.m.

 

it was too good to be true of course. fuck.fuck fuck....what goes up mst come down yea yea..i know tht now

feel like shit, feel SO shitty...losin my mind, wanna drink, wanna fuck up wanna hurt myself wanna do something dumb, somthin stupid

feel like tearin all my hair out..wanna run out of this hse n hide far far away..wanna run ..

i hate myself, even jinney hates me...she fuckin bit my face off today...even my baby hates me...everybody hates me ...

cant sleep..i dont wanna sleep i think ...hm gonna get some i think..then puke my guts out ...yea ..or whatever

feelin so sick of everythin ..tis like gods playin a sick joke on me....m ramblin now ..coz i need to rant....

sigh...

ive cried...still m cryin actually ....ive ranted, screamd, yelled, shouted at the top of my lungs ...wonder if nebody heard hm..sigh..wanna scream even louder...real real loud ....hate keepin this inside me..i jst wana go somewhere where i cn scream so loud..n cry for as long as i want...cry, sob...until i have no tears left

listenin to nin -- wanna thrash some stuff around, sigh....

if i hurt myself will all the pain go away with it?

if i jump off a bldg will it hurt?

drinkin is cool in tht u can watch urself deteriorate, literally speakin ...u puke ur insides out n u feel like shit n ur mind feels fucked n u jst wanna die ....the end becomes quite an attractive thing

i mean id hate to jump in front of an uncomin car or train then for the last 2 secs of my life b thinkin "damn, mebbe this was a mistake" or even worse..."aaaaagghhhhhhh this fuckin hurts"

so whaddaya say..fuck....

sigh im out

gonna go make myself one.

n feel sorry for myself.....

fuck this life of mine.

fags puffed: 0 (for now)

emotional state: 2.0 (for now -- likely to sink to 1.0 within the nex cpl of hrs..or mins? hm)

alcohol consumed: 0 (for now)

6:33 a.m.

shit theyve changed this thing...the site builder thingy -- functions, features, layout, colors have changed too!...no wonder the servers stuffin up, its slow n stallin n crashin...ugh...gonna take a while to get used to ...n jst when i learned the ropes of the old format too! im a slow learner uknow.

so im off now, will check in tomorw n tell u abt my day today then..coz im feelin a bit tired rite now...gdnite.

fags puffed: 0

emotional state: 9.5 =)

er alcohol consumed: sips of gin (purpose: trial run)

 

7:28 p.m.

 

its been a great 2 days!

 

hm had this mad idea last nite to go for a haircut...n..unfortunately i did go, blah..not exactly what i wanted. for one thing i specifically asked the guy to not cut my layers in the front framin my face by too much, n he did jst that!  ..i think i look like a dyke now, quite honestly hmm..thinkin i shud wear a baseball cap all summer :( but then i mite look like a butch ugh. (btw theyre a cool bunch of ppl, more power to them!)

 

did some shoppin, bought some stuff to make my room a bit more livable ...stocked up on food ..hm it was a nice break, to b out n abt for a change ...see ppl, to b in the presence of ppl, the change in scenery.....

 

then this site kept stuffin up durin the nite ..i assume they were in the process of improvin the thing ...n actually its so much better now, coz u can muck around w the html tags unlike b4 ...it was either u strictly stick to the default layout n formattin interface, or u start from html scratch on a blank page..n u cud not shift tween the two...was really frustratin

but now tis much better ..so thank u webmistress/master!

 

so yea i cud not log on all nite until jst b4 bed ...n by then i was too whacked..coz id written a few job apps..ugh, borin job apps .....

 

oh n y this perky mood of mine? hehe TOOMA has been real sweet past few days....=)  hmmm hes so gorgeous...

gave me a wake up call today as usual ..always the bestest way to start the day ...

 

on another note, i tried my hand at a new recipe today n it turned out to b ..a small disaster...but no worries, i cleaned up the place real good so nobody will ever know

 

think will log off for a bit to clean up my rm

 

later.

5:05 a.m.

had a mighty gd nite =) lol, m over the moon actually..hm...physically feelin fine.
mentally? hmm think coz im feelin gd on the outside its rubbin off inside too...a bit emotional still, but feelin as gd as can b given circumstances. m still tryna get used to changes since last wk, n i think im gonna b edgey for a while longer till im bk to my normal self...at least i hope ill get bk to my old self, i dont like this 'me' rite now -- im sad all the time..mebbe m merely gettin in touch w my inner child, n m thinkin too much again. feelin really over sensitive these days tho.....

had a great nite w TOOMA..to top the nite off he dozed off hehe...how cute....still missin the old him tho..

well tonite was semi productive, i dint get any items on my to do list done..however i did do other stuff: namely, sort out pics n clear some floorspace..also organized my old newspapers a bit, put them onto a shelf...my bed remains a mess n clothes r still evywhere..but ohwell theres always tomow

went to the supermart too, got some food for urs truly..noodles mostly. im tryna keep my rice intake to a bare minimum coz im gettin fat again..ugh.
also got some beans, n canned mushroom n corn. yummy...
im gonna make myself some salad tomorw.

goodnite, im joinin TOOMA in bed.

fags puffed: 0
emotional state: 8 (physical well-being: 9)

 

3:34 p.m.

oh what a bright n beautiful day it is! =))
oh i luv TOOMA....

had a gd mornin, dint sleep till the wee hrs...at 7:30 or so..did some shoppin w TOOMA jst b4 lunch when i was still half asleep but then doin nethin w TOOMA is bliss...hehe =)

sweet veni rang while i was still in bed in the afternoon...will call her bk later..she had to run off to do some stuff for her dad

ok im off to shower...
mite get some stuff done today...feelin so fine, feelin so good

my rels r poppin over for a while, argh.
shit the doorbell! theyre here..

talk later.

5:54 a.m.

feelin much better...just wrote mail to TOOMA, perhaps hidin my feelings a bit abt how much of a basket case i was tonite hm. i dont wanna startle him i guess, or needlessly worry the guy...
neway fakin a smile helped..coz im feelin alrite now..
im progressin along quite slowly w my homepage argh. havin a few probs w the alignments but overall i havent forgotten the very little i learned at uni, im proud to say hahaha. hm mebe i shud teach myself more html..hmm...actually first thing i wanna do is reaquaint myself w the piano, ive always wanted to do that since its been at least 5 years since i tinkered with the thing..actually its a synthesizer, a real cool one too...hm ok my things to do list:
1. tickle the ivory
2. learn html to make my homepage look at least half decent.

listening to aerosmith's 'i dont wanna miss a thing'. shit, its so emotional...cant stand steven tyler tho. the sex drugs n rock n roll shit...

so tonite i hung around at the pond. had dinner, read the paper a bit...oddly enuff there were quite a number of ppl there as well so it wasnt so quiet as i wanted it to b..plus was a bit wary as they seemed like louts to me. but the evenin passed without incident..was a bit cold as time wore on but as always i got some peace of mind at least.

talked to TOOMA a bit on chat when i got back. what a sweetheart...

then chatted w veni for a good 2 hrs or so. abt men n life n love, what else? m not so upset at her nemore...in fact i got emotional on her n told her how much she meant to me..

oh yea. got a card from Remorseful Guy (herafter to b known as "RG"). i reminisced for a good few minutes but im pretty sure im over him. will write him a thank u card one of these days, if i remember..

well time to go beddy. tero my teddy awaits...goodnitey.

fags puffed: 1
emotional state, on a scale of 1-10: 7 (rite now), 2.5 (earlier this evenin)

 

2:34 p.m.

gd mornin. hm...late again. darn, missed the alarm. actually dont hear it nemore, think u cud place a bongo drum nex to my bed n i still wudnt hear it...
"i must wake up b4 noon" shud b my new mantra. but on the bright side, it was TOOMA who rang to wake me up =) talked for abt an hr b4 he had to jet for a meetin.

scalp feelin itchy. it cant b my shampoo, ive been usin it for 2 yrs now...maybe its stress. coz i just washed my hair the other day. oh i stopped blowdryin, that cud b it u think? hm...mite wash it tonite then.

blah my room is in a mess. beds still undone n clothes everywhere. think will break a bit, to do some hse cleanin. oh need to give a friend a call, becos shes off to the usa on thurs to visit her fam.

to do list for today:
1. make bed (+ sheets hopefully)
2. buy food for jinney
3. move clothes from bed into wardrobe
4. send at least 2 job apps

ill b lucky if i get even just 2 of the above done (#2 n 3).
b checkin in later, so until then...cheerio.

 

10:35 p.m.

blah, u did it again..sigh.
i will b ok tho. can u believe tht i felt like faggin just now, but no! hmpth i m stronger than this...bsides, ive had this cough for a while now, or actually since i picked up the habit....throat gets dry in the mornin too. hm..
how can someones attn span b so neatly n strictly er..how on earth can one stay so focused? sigh, or maybe its just me whose mind wanders to n fro, swayin from subject to subject..like a pendulum..xcept its not jst left n rite but in all directions. in the spate of a cpl of mins, or hrs. blah..then it can last for days n days, or even wks on end.. oh shit not again - i feel insanitys startin to take over....

'nothin else matters' playin. makin me emotional..ugh....think will skip this track. hang on a sec..

think will go binge now..to deviate from where my thoughts r taking me...
n im not even hungry..sheesh how pathetic.

6:53 p.m.

i feel like shit...n i dont know y..
depressed, thoughtful, annoyed, irritated. not feelin crappy or nething. jst a bit saddo. ugh.
my first entry in this online journal thing n this is not such a good start.
was workin on my old site, it still looks my toilet. maybe i shud jst scrap it. blah...
hate the colors hate the layout hate everything, i jst cant seem to get nething rite. not that its hard work, its jst so..boring. goin bk n forth from one browser window to the nex. then shiftin from page to page becos u missed out a '>' then the whole page's fucked.