April 25, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
TWIN TOWERS: 9/11/01,
SPAIN HORROR: 3/11/04
– 911* DAYS APART!
TIMELINE OF TERROR REVEALS
. . .
LAST DAYS HAVE BEGUN
[courtesy the
Sun]
* We get
912 days apart – both in our head and with Microsoft Excel.
They
forgot about leap year. They could have got it right by
saying
"911
days
between." But still it's close enough to be scary.
– Ed.
Prince William to wed virgin!
[courtesy National
Examiner]
ANGEL SHOT DOWN BY U.S. TROOPS
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
Dumb reporting from the Associated Press and donga.com:
The
Associated Press
reported that mice were born
to two
female mice but did not report the sex of the
offspring. One
might conjecture that at least one of
the offspring was female,
as the article reported that
one of them "grew to maturity and
gave birth." The
AP reported two mice born, but
donga.com
reported
ten mice born and that only one – the later mother –
survived, without reporting the sex of the nine others.
The
Genome News Network
reported, "The new re-
search resulted in the birth of
two female mice. . . .
One of the mice
lived
to adulthood and mated with a
male, producing offspring" (emphasis added).
Borf's weekly BONUS:
The Seattle Times published photographs of flag-draped GI
coffins, and the photographer and her husband were fired by
Maytag Aircraft, a U.S. contractor in Kuwait. . . . A
web
sitethen published more coffin photos obtained in a "freedom of in-
formation" request to the Air Force, and other media published
those (but not Fox TV). . . . President Bush said Iraqis are
"de-
ceptive at hiding things." . . . Venezuelan President Hugo
Chav-
ez voiced support for Iraqi insurgents. . . . Tax cuts saved
Presi-
dent Bush $35,000 last year. . . . The Vatican said John Kerry
cannot take communion because he is a politician who favors a-
bortion. . . . Kerry took
communion
at his own Catholic church
in Boston yesterday evening. . . . A Virginia preacher was
killed
on Easter by a rattlesnake he was handling as a test of faith. .
. .
Three South Korean freighter crewmen died after inhaling rotten
squid gas. . . . Twenty-one Indian women died in a stampede for
free saris. . . . A farmer in Alaska injected eggs with dyes to
pro-
duce orange, red, green, purple, pink, and blue chicks (he had
multicolored ducklings also). . . . A woman in Florida caught
her
fiancé raping her rottweiler.
[items 3-5, 8-12 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Vatican Cardinal
Francis Arinze; John Kerry's priest, Father Joe Ciccone, and
Prince William's fiancée.
April 18, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
JONBENET KILLER REVEALED
– and it's not who you think!
[ courtesy the
Globe]
Newlyweds' skeletons
found on Titanic life raft
still kissing after 92 years
[courtesy Weekly World News]
12 CONGRESSMEN
are SPACE ALIENS
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Allende! wrote Mon 12 Apr 2004 14:15:36
CDT:
"Poor Venezuelans were eating flamingos"? You have to
put this
into perspective: Rich Venezuelans were
eating
scarlet macaws.
Dumb news from Indiana:
A lion had a vasectomy at a wildlife preserve in Clay County.
[courtesy
Indianapolis Star]
Dumb news from D.C.:
Laura Bush announced her opposition to same sex marriage.
She said she hoped George could do something different.
[courtesy Prairie Home
Companion]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum won a 2004 "
Jefferson Muz-
zle" for barring the
press from the Martha Stewart jury selection.
. . . Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said of recent
uprisings,
"This is a moment in Iraq's path toward a democratic and a
free
system." . . . Poppy cultivation was up 30 percent in
Afghanistan,
and President Karzai declared a jihad on drugs. . . . A
federal
air
marshal left her loaded pistol on a shelf in a
public
restroom
at the
Cleveland airport. . . .A
study found that teen-age lesbians
smoke
too much. . . . Wild hogs were terrorizing east Texas.
[
items 2-6 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Laura Bush and
the
Pope.
April 4, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
CHURCH TO MAKE MEL GIBSON
A SAINT
[courtesy National Examiner]
Exclusive interview with mistress
The Passion of Mel!
[courtesy National Enquirer]
JOHN KERRY SEX
DISEASE SCANDAL
[courtesy the Globe]
DEATH WATCH
- Tammy Faye: Inoperable cancer
- Courtney Love: Drugs & alcohol
- Sandra Dee: Booze HELL
[courtesy the Globe]
Dumb news from Indiana:
Merrillville High School and middle schools have prohibited
the wearing of pink clothing and accessories.
[courtesy
Associated Press]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
U.S. Senator Jim Bunning said his election opponent, State Sen-
ator
Daniel Mongiardo, looks like one of Saddam Hussein's sons.
. . .
Paul Hornung said Notre Dame, his alma mater, should lower
academic standards to "get the black athlete." . . . Police in
Louis-
ville
charged a dead man with three crimes (he had been killed by
a policeman, who was indicted for murder – the posthumous de-
fendant
was a black man, of course, who dealt in illegal drugs).
[courtesy
Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Japan:
The 2004 American League baseball season opened in Tokyo.
[courtesy
New York Times]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
U.S. soldiers shut down an Iraqi newspaper in their effort
to build
a democracy. . . . Governor Rick Perry said, "The
International
Court of Justice does not have jurisdiction in
Texas." . . . The
day
Hamas Sheikh Ahmed Yassin was
assassinated, a lamb was born
in Hebron with "Allah"
spelled out on its flank in Arabic. . . .
Poor
Venezuelans
were eating flamingos. . . . An Oklahoma City school
sus-
pended 125 first graders for raising hell at lunch. . . .
Brit-
ish researchers reported a rise in strange murders. . . .
Benton
County,
Oregon, quit issuing marriage licenses to
heterosexuals. . .
. The
crew heard another strange sound
in the international space
station.
. . . India defeated Paki-
stan in a cricket tournament.
[
items 3-7, 9 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jim Bunning and
Mel Gibson.