May 30, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
Demi's fiancé, Loretta's son
focuses of homicide probes
[courtesy the Globe]
SECRETS OF CARY GRANT'S GAY WEDDING
[courtesy National Examiner]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld barred digital cameras from
military ba-
ses in Iraq. . . . Halliburton was paid to haul empty trucks
across the
desert. . . . NPR was still relying on Trilby Lundberg to
learn the
price
of gasoline. . . . Candace Bergen was witness to a shooting on
6th Avenue and exclaimed, "This is the first time I've seen brain
mat-
ter!" . . .
The University of Georgia lost the trademark to its name. . .
.
A man
with clogged arteries sued Dr. Atkins' estate. . . . Colorado
pro-
hibited
lawsuits by fat people against fast food firms. . . . The FDA
pro-
hibited
sperm donations by homosexuals.
[items 1-2, 4, 7-8
courtesy Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"EarthLink Customer Experience Team" sent us
an e-mail titled
"EarthLink spamBlocker stops practically all junk
email – free."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Candace Bergen,
Trilby Lundberg, and Dyan Cannon.
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May 23, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (special starlet edi-
tion):
OLSEN TWINS X-POSED!
- Secret sex lives
- Drinking and drug parties
- Ashley splits with boy friend
[courtesy the
Star]
JON-BENET'S KILLER COMMITS SUICIDE
His identity finally revealed
[courtesy National
Enquirer – We
could tell you who
it was, but they
want you to buy their
paper. – Ed.]
5'3", 170-lb. Lisa Marie EXPLODES!
turning into bloated Dad Elvis, friends fear
[courtesy National
Examiner]
BRITNEY caught in drug den
[courtesy
National Enquirer]
Dummy keeps talking
after ventriloquist dies
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
a.ende@att.net wrote Mon 17 May 2004 @06:42:30 CDT re "Fifteen
Chinese warehouse workers crushed to death in an avalanche of
garlic":
"It was an accident waitin' to happen," said Moo Goo ("Gai")
Pan,
the
usually silent partner of Momma Jo's Café across the street.
"That
all's
elephant garlic, I kept tellin' 'em (at least that's what it
says on the
box) –
don't put it on the top shelf! Guess they ain't accommodated
to
how us
folks from Kentucky pronounces things. Oh, well, there's
an-
other truckload of 15 comin' in tomorry. . . ."
And someone please tell me elephant garlic ain't Hunanese for
elephant
gonads.
General ("Zhou") Allende
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Hundreds of motorists ran out of gasoline on major thoroughfares
in Louisville, victims of tainted gasoline that disabled fuel
gauges.
[ courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld compared the
war in Iraq
to the American Civil War, saying, " The
carnage was
horrendous,
and it was worth it." . . .
"Nothing good or just can be
built on the
destruction
or suffering of others," President Bush said at
a com-
mencement address. . . ."This system is broken," said
Gen.
John P.
Abizaid, U.S. commander in the Middle
East. . . . "Iraq is
classic
FUBAR," a
returned GI said.
. . . Mayor Daley asked the Illinois
legislature to allow
Chicago to own a casino. . . . The
Vatican advised
Catholic women not to marry Muslims. . . . Australia's
treasurer promised $2,000 for every child born in the
country: "Go
home
and do your patriotic duty tonight,"
he said. . . .California Governor Schwarzenegger sued
an Ohio toy manufacturer for producing
an Arnold
"bobblehead" doll (the company makes bobbleheads
also
of John Kerry, Tom DeLay, Howard Dean, Wes-
ley Clark, Anna
Nicole, and Jesus).
[items 1-2, 5-7 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Pretence G. Poodles" sent us
an e-mail titled "Soft.ware Blo.wout
Sa.le - 1 day only ---- revolve bronx malaria moustache bromide
quetzal an copywriter
map cessna altitude statewide crusade."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Chicago Mayor
Richard M. Daley, who will be asked to explain why he did not
order the Illinois legislature to allow Chicago to own a casino, as
his father would have done.
There's a SURVEY you might wish to particpate in at
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/.
May 16, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
DOLLY DROPS HUBBY
after fight over HER other woman
[courtesy National Examiner]
MERMAID CAUGHT IN FISH NET
Held in secret government acquarium;
caring Dubya
orders special diet of
Texas catfish and hush puppies
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
MOM GIVES SELF C-SECTION
[courtesy National Enquirer]
Borf's weekly BONUS:
GI's harnessed an old Iraqi woman and rode her like a donkey.
. . . Asked if Abu Ghraib set back American policy, Secretary
of Defense Rumsfeld said, "Oh, I'm not one for instant
history."
. . . CACI, employer of a civilian accused of abuse of
prisoners
in Iraq, sells ethics training tapes to the government. . .
. "The
system works," Rumsfeld told the Senate. . . . "People ought
to
let him do his job," Vice President Cheney said. . . . The
U.S.
postponed release of its annual international human rights
report.
. . . A Muqtada al-Sadr aide said captured female soldiers may
be kept as slaves. . . . "The system works," said Donald
Rums-
feld. . . . German nightingales competing with urban sounds
were
breaking a noise ordinance; one was recorded at the decibel
lev-
el of a chain saw. . . . Haitians were eating biscuits made of
but-
ter, salt, water and dirt. . . . "The system works," said Rumsfeld.
. . . Fifteen Chinese warehouse workers were crushed to death in
an avalanche of garlic.
[
item 2 courtesy the New Yorker; rest, Harper's
Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Baptisms G. Underfunded" <litton@verbaldiarrhoea.com>
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Donald Rumsfeld.
May 9, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
O. J. CONFESSES
'OK, I did it – so what?'
[courtesy National Enquirer]
'Mother of his country'
George Washington was a WOMAN!
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
Put on low carb 'Catkins' diet!
WORLD'S FATTEST CAT HITS 80 LBS
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Virgin Mary caught on mall security video
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LISA MARIE MOVING TO GRACELAND
[courtesy National Examiner]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A North Dakota couple were arrested in Henry County
with
800 pounds of cocaine in their RV (talk about put-
ting all your
eggs in one basket!).
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Spammer of the week:
"Solidified H. Viscera" <citizenship@sicktodeath.com>
sent us an e-mail titled
"no more lying in applications –
buy a degree from an accredited university here."
Harper's Weekly BONUS:
A Kansas City abortionist was accused of fetal cannibalism. . .
.
A new Iraqi flag was condemned for its use of Israeli blue. .
. .
Two Democrats on the 9/11 Commission left the Bush-Cheney
session early for other appointments. . . . The Treasury
Depart-
ment's Office of Foreign Asset Control last year had four
staf-
fers assigned to terrorism and two dozen to Cuban embargo vi-
olations. . . . Rasputin's penis was on display at a Russian
muse-
um.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Lynndie England
and two prisoners of her choice.
May 2, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (featuring the usual
suspects):
HILLBILLY OFFERS HOUND
TO HUNT DOWN BIN LADEN
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
SADDAM MAKES DEAL WITH BUSH
[courtesy
the Globe]
FBI ID's PTA in LA as Al Qaeda cell
[courtesy
Weekly World News]
"Yecch!"
Oprah disses her
relatives' houses
[courtesy National
Examiner]
Pope wants Mel Gibson to succeed him
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
DERBY GOES NASCAR
A federal judge
ruled that a state regulation prohibiting jockeys'
wearing ads and slogans on their uniforms violated their right
to
freedom of speech (the decision came just in time to make yes-
terday's 130th Kentucky Derby the most colorful ever).
[courtesy
sportbusiness.com]
Por favor, Señor
Luis Velasquez, who speaks no English, has been held in jail for
DUI
without trial since November because both the Judge and
the
Public
Defender say it's the other's responsibility to pay for
an
interpreter.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
NASA forbade comment by all personnel on "The Day After To-
morrow," the global warming disaster movie opening May 28. . .
.
American troops broadcast Arabic insults to the enemy in
Fallujah
including, "You shoot like a goat herder." . . . King Carl
Gustav
was
seen driving his yellow Porsche around southern Sweden at
speeds
over 100 m.p.h.
[
items 2-3 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Telecasting K. Vignetting" sent us an e-mail titled "Borf, best meds."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include King Carl Gustav
and Telecasting K. Vignetting.