May 30, 2004:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Demi's fiancé, Loretta's son
focuses of homicide probes


                                                        [courtesy the Globe]


SECRETS OF CARY GRANT'S GAY WEDDING

                                                                 [courtesy National Examiner]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

Defense  Secretary  Rumsfeld  barred digital cameras from military ba-
ses in Iraq.  .  .  .  Halliburton was paid to haul empty trucks across the
desert. .  .  .  NPR  was  still  relying  on  Trilby  Lundberg  to learn the
price of gasoline.  .  .  .  Candace Bergen was witness to a shooting on
6th  Avenue  and  exclaimed,  "This is the first time I've seen brain mat-
ter!" . . .  The University of Georgia lost the trademark to its name.  . . .
A man with clogged arteries sued Dr. Atkins' estate. . . . Colorado pro-
hibited lawsuits by fat people against fast food firms. . . . The FDA pro-
hibited sperm donations by homosexuals.

                                               [items 1-2, 4, 7-8 courtesy Harper's Weekly]


Spammer of the week:

"EarthLink Customer Experience Team" sent us an e-mail titled
"EarthLink spamBlocker stops practically all junk email – free."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend  the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include  Candace Bergen,
Trilby Lundberg, and Dyan Cannon.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant  "Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 23, 2004:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (special starlet edi-
tion):


OLSEN TWINS X-POSED!
                                                       [courtesy the Star]


JON-BENET'S KILLER COMMITS SUICIDE
                     His identity finally revealed

                      [courtesy National Enquirer – We could tell you who
                         it was, but they want you to buy their paper. 
Ed.]


5'3", 170-lb. Lisa Marie EXPLODES!

               turning into bloated Dad Elvis, friends fear

                                                                     [courtesy National Examiner]


BRITNEY caught in drug den

                                                             [courtesy National Enquirer]


Dummy keeps talking after ventriloquist dies

                                                                                     [courtesy Weekly World News]


LETTERS to the EDITOR!

a.ende@att.net wrote Mon 17 May 2004 @06:42:30 CDT re "Fifteen
Chinese warehouse workers crushed to death in an avalanche of garlic":

"It was an  accident  waitin'  to  happen,"  said Moo Goo ("Gai") Pan,
the usually silent partner of Momma Jo's Café across the street.  "That
all's elephant garlic, I kept tellin' 'em  (at least that's what it says on the
box) – don't put it on the top shelf!  Guess they ain't accommodated to
how us folks from Kentucky pronounces things.  Oh,  well,  there's an-
other truckload of 15 comin' in tomorry. . . ."

And someone please tell me elephant garlic ain't Hunanese for elephant
gonads.
                                                                     General ("Zhou") Allende


Dumb news from Kentucky:

Hundreds of motorists ran out of gasoline on major thoroughfares
in Louisville, victims of tainted gasoline that disabled fuel gauges.

                                               [ courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld compared the
war in Iraq to the American Civil War,  saying, " The
carnage was horrendous,  and it was worth it."  .  .  .
"Nothing good or just can be built on the destruction
or suffering of others," President Bush said at a com-
mencement address. . . ."This system is broken," said
Gen. John P. Abizaid, U.S. commander in the Middle
East. . . . "Iraq is classic FUBAR," a returned GI said.
. . . Mayor Daley asked the Illinois legislature to allow
Chicago to own a casino.  .  .  .  The Vatican  advised
Catholic women not to marry Muslims. . . . Australia's
treasurer promised $2,000  for every child born in the
country: "Go home and do your patriotic duty tonight,"
he said. . . .California Governor Schwarzenegger sued
an  Ohio  toy  manufacturer  for  producing  an Arnold
"bobblehead"  doll  (the company makes bobbleheads
also of John Kerry, Tom DeLay, Howard Dean, Wes-
ley Clark, Anna Nicole, and Jesus).

                           [items 1-2, 5-7 courtesy Harper's Weekly]


Spammer of the week:

"Pretence G. Poodles" sent us an e-mail titled "Soft.ware Blo.wout
 Sa.le - 1 day only ---- revolve bronx malaria moustache bromide
quetzal an copywriter map cessna altitude statewide crusade."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the  near  future  include  Chicago Mayor
Richard M. Daley,  who will be asked to explain why he did  not
order the Illinois legislature to allow Chicago to own a casino, as
his father would have done.


There's a SURVEY you might wish to particpate in at http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/.


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 16, 2004:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


DOLLY DROPS HUBBY
after fight over HER other woman


                                                                   [courtesy National Examiner]


MERMAID CAUGHT IN FISH NET
   Held in secret government acquarium; caring Dubya
  orders special diet of Texas catfish and hush puppies


                                                                  [courtesy Weekly World News]


MOM GIVES SELF C-SECTION

                                [courtesy National Enquirer]


Borf's weekly BONUS:

GI's harnessed an old Iraqi woman  and rode her like a donkey.
.  .  . Asked if Abu Ghraib set back American policy, Secretary
of Defense Rumsfeld said,  "Oh, I'm not one for instant history."
. . . CACI, employer of a civilian accused of abuse of prisoners
in Iraq, sells ethics training tapes to the government.  .  .  .  "The
system works," Rumsfeld told the Senate. . . . "People ought to
let him do his job," Vice President Cheney said. .  .  .  The U.S.
postponed release of its annual international human rights report.
. . .  A Muqtada al-Sadr aide said captured female soldiers may
be kept as slaves. . . .  "The system works," said Donald Rums-
feld. . . . German nightingales competing with urban sounds were
breaking a noise ordinance; one was recorded at the decibel lev-
el of a chain saw. . . .  Haitians were eating biscuits made of but-
ter, salt, water and dirt. . . . "The system works,"  said Rumsfeld.
. . . Fifteen Chinese warehouse workers were crushed to death in
an avalanche of garlic.

          [item 2 courtesy the New Yorker; rest, Harper's Weekly]


Spammer of the week:

"Baptisms G. Underfunded" <litton@verbaldiarrhoea.com>


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Donald Rumsfeld.





Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 9, 2004:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


O. J. CONFESSES
  'OK, I did it – so what?'


                               [courtesy National Enquirer]


'Mother of his country'
   George Washington was a WOMAN!

                                                                           [courtesy Weekly World News]


Put on low carb 'Catkins' diet!
  WORLD'S FATTEST CAT HITS 80 LBS


                                                                                                    [courtesy Weekly World News]


Virgin Mary caught on mall security video

                                                                       [courtesy Weekly World News]


LISA MARIE MOVING TO GRACELAND

                                  [courtesy National Examiner]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

A North Dakota couple were arrested  in Henry County
with 800 pounds of cocaine in their RV (talk about put-
ting all your eggs in one basket!).

                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:

"Solidified H. Viscera" <citizenship@sicktodeath.com> sent us an e-mail titled
"no more lying in applications – buy a degree from an accredited university here."


Harper's Weekly BONUS:

A Kansas City abortionist was accused of fetal cannibalism. . . .
A new Iraqi flag was condemned for its use of Israeli blue.  . . .
Two Democrats on the 9/11 Commission left the Bush-Cheney
session early for other appointments. . . . The Treasury Depart-
ment's Office of Foreign Asset Control last year  had  four staf-
fers assigned to terrorism and two dozen to Cuban embargo vi-
olations. . . . Rasputin's penis was on display at a Russian muse-
um.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future  include  Lynndie  England
and two prisoners of her choice.


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 2, 2004:    Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines (featuring the usual
suspects):


HILLBILLY OFFERS HOUND
TO HUNT DOWN BIN LADEN


                                           [courtesy Weekly World News]


SADDAM MAKES DEAL WITH BUSH

                                                                                               [courtesy the Globe]


FBI ID's PTA in LA as Al Qaeda cell

                                                                                        [courtesy Weekly World News]


"Yecch!"
        Oprah disses her
        relatives' houses


                                               [courtesy National Examiner]


Pope wants Mel Gibson to succeed him

                                                                                                         [courtesy Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Kentucky:

DERBY GOES NASCAR

A federal judge ruled that a state regulation prohibiting jockeys'
wearing ads and slogans on their uniforms violated their right to
freedom of speech (the decision came just in time to make yes-
terday's 130th Kentucky Derby the most colorful ever).

                                                           [courtesy sportbusiness.com]

Por favor, Señor

Luis Velasquez, who speaks no English, has been held in jail for
DUI without trial since November  because both the Judge and
the Public Defender say it's the other's  responsibility  to pay for
an interpreter.
                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


Borf's Weekly BONUS:

NASA forbade comment by all personnel on "The Day After To-
morrow," the global warming disaster movie opening May 28. . . .
American troops broadcast Arabic insults to the enemy in Fallujah
including, "You shoot like a goat herder."  .  .  .  King Carl Gustav
was seen driving his  yellow  Porsche  around southern Sweden at
speeds over 100 m.p.h.
                                         [items 2-3 courtesy Harper's Weekly]


Spammer of the week:

"Telecasting K. Vignetting" sent us an e-mail titled "Borf, best meds."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  King Carl Gustav
and  Telecasting K. Vignetting.


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor