Bob Hill wrote Tues 20 Mar 2007 08:00:54 EDT:

So where does a guy get in line to be the
Israeli ambassador to El Salvador..??

The parents of a 6-foot, 9-inch senior basketball player  for  Mishawaka
High School sued his coach for verbal abuse of their son ("You can't run,
you can't jump, you can't play," he is alleged to have told the boy). . . .

A journalism teacher at a high school in Allen County was suspended af-
ter the student newspaper published an editorial advocating tolerance for
homosexuals.
                                                                  [courtesy Associated Press]

The University of Kentucky basketball coach was eased out  because  he
had won only one national championship  and  had  made the final eight in
the NCAA tournament only four times  in his 10-year tenure.  Immediate-
ly after his resignation,  Kentucky's best player quit school  and joined the
professional New York Knickerbockers. . . .

The state offered free weather radios to residents in the flood path of Lake
Cumberland.
                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, Associated Press]

"I'm glad I coach basketball and not cricket."
                                                                        – Tubby Smith, new University of Minnesota basketball
                                                                            coach  (formerly of the University of Kentucky)

Rudolph  Giuliani's  law firm was lobbying for  Hugo Chavez's
oil company. . . . Kadhim al-Jubouri, the Iraqi weightlifter who
brought down a statue of Saddam Hussein in 2003, said Sad-
dam  "was  like  Stalin,  but  the occupation is worse." .  .  .  A
computer program was being developed to help make end-of-
life medical decisions. . . . Florida Congressman Pete Stark an-
nounced that he does not believe in God. . . . Townspeople vo-
ted 71 to 1 against construction of a U.S. radar station in Trok-
ovec, Czech Republic. . . . A Zogby poll found that 97 per cent
of  Republicans  believe the media  have a liberal bias  and two-
thirds of Democrats believe there is a conservative bias.  . . . U-
tah's 13-year-old  Katharine  Tuck  won the 32nd annual rotten
sneakers contest sposored by Odor Eaters. . . . Greenskeepers
found a human skeleton on the No. 14 fairway  at  the Country-
side Golf Club in Mundelein, Illinois. . . . A Wisconsin man took
necrophilia to a new level with a deer carcass (he had been con-
victed earlier of killing a horse in order to have sex with it).  .  .  .
The Associated Press last month  imposed an unannounced one-
week embargo on the name of  Paris Hilton,  but she slipped into
three stories anyway.

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, Courier-Journal]

"Roger J. Kendrick" sent us an e-mail titled "precipitation self-consciousness."

The Delta Zeta sorority, known around campus as the  "Dog House,"  was
ordered to leave DePauw University after it  evicted  23  members  for not
being "hot" enough. . . .

Indianapolis Cathedral High School dropped its leprechaun logo after being
accused of trademark infringement by the University of Notre Dame. . . .

A Petersburg man died after swallowing eight bags of methamphetamine  to
conceal them from an approaching deputy sheriff.

                          [courtesy Associated Press, Louisville Courier-Journal]

Schools in the town of Eminence,  which  already  have abandoned the D
grade, are going to drop C and require students to get at least a B to pass
by the school year 2009-2010  (but you only have to get 80 per cent right
to get a B these days).
                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Vanna White, 50
Osama bin Laden, 50

A woman in Colbert, Oklahoma,  ordered cocaine from a po-
liceman on her son's cell phone (she dialed the wrong number).
. . . A woman in Boston who remained pregnant after an abor-
tion sued Planned Parenthood and two doctors for  child  sup-
port. . . .A Pennsylvania woman pleaded guilty to swinging her
baby like a baseball bat to hit her boy friend. .  .  . Newt Ging-
rich admitted carrying on an extramarital affair  while  pursuing
the impeachment of Bill Clinton but said it was "not  related  to
what happened."  .  .  .  A Serb speared Slobodan Milosevic's
grave with a wooden pole to ensure he would not rise from the
dead.  . . . The Israeli ambassador to El Salvador was recalled
after being found in the embassy  drunk  and  naked except for
bondage gear, with a rubber ball stuffed in his mouth. .  .  . Mi-
crosoft accused Google of copyright violation. . . . New Mexi-
co Governor Bill Richardson signed legislation making the bolo
the official state tie (this guy is running for President, you know).
.  .  . An 18-year-old high school student who had had an affair
with a 30-year-old teacher in Knoxville,  Tennessee,  was shot
to death by the teacher's husband. . . .An alligator was found in
Watts Bar Lake in southeast Tennessee. . . . Police in Malaysia
arrested a gang of midgets for burglary.

                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"Codfzz Dickey" sent us an e-mail titled "lame lineal."

A pilot with his 8-year-old daughter aboard flew a rented airplane
into his mother-in-law's house near Bedford (Mother-in-Law was
not hurt).
                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

A Wikipedia editor identified in a New Yorker article last summer as a
tenured professor with doctorates in theology and canon law turned out
to be a 24-year-old college dropout from Louisville.

                                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Alan Greenspan triggered a stock market panic in videocon-
ference remarks to Hong Kong investors. . . . The New Re-
public was sold to a Canadian media conglomerate.  .  .  . A
World War II hand grenade  turned up in a sack of potatoes
in Naples. . . . Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot. . .
Female koalas in Australia were engaging in five-bear lesbian
orgies. .  .  . A 76-year-old man hit an 81-year-old woman in
the head with a hammer at a retirement home in Davenport, I-
owa. .  .  . A 7-year-old girl in Burnett, Wisconsin, dialed 911
to report her grandfather cheating at cards.  .  .  . A Chinaman
fell from the fifth floor  but was saved by a nail projecting from
the third floor, which snagged his clothes. . . .  A Chinawoman
was elected to the Northern Ireland legislature.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes.com, AP, WKHG radio]

"Bart Chacon" sent us an e-mail titled "Not so destinate."

"U.S. Funds" sent us an e-mail titled "Your grant from the government."

• Thou shalt not be absolved of the sins of thy leaders
• Thou shalt not make war upon my innocents
• Thou shalt not turn away from the needy
  

"Timely death" contest winner:  Jeanetta Girard.

Late entry:  "Bedtime."  – Warren Zevon

A man was arrested in Hobart for trying to cash a Bank One check
signed by "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant"  (it
wasn't pennies from heaven; it was for $50,000).

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A paramedic in Clinton was under investigation for taking photos of
dead persons with his cell phone and posting them on the internet.

                                                                               [courtesy AP]

The city council of Clifton,  New  Jersey,  was considering an
ordinance that would define a noisy dog  as one that barks for
more than 30 minutes on two consecutive days.  .  .  .  Abdul
Tawala Ibn Alishtari, indicted for terrorism finance, gave more
than $15,000 to the National Republican Congressional Com-
mittee. . . .  Two clowns were shot and killed before children's
eyes at a circus in Columbia.  .  .  . Twelve senior citizens on a
Carnival Cruise excursion in Costa Rica ran two muggers off a
beach while a 70-year-old American put a third in a headlock,
broke his clavicle and strangled him to death. .  .  . KFC presi-
dent Gregg Dedrick wrote a letter to Pope Benedict asking him
to bless the new 99-cent Fish Snacker.  . . .  Kansas State Uni-
versity told its students to quit throwing live chickens at the Uni-
versity of Kansas Jayhawks basketball team.  .  .  . Paris Hilton
was stopped on the Sunset Strip  for driving  without  headlights
and cited for having no license. . . . A parade in Mainz, German-
y, included a float of George W. Bush being spanked by the Sta-
tue of Liberty. . . . The Swiss Army invaded Liechtenstein.

                                               [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"The Rev. Fr. Martyn David" sent us an e-mail titled "Re:
Your pending payment!"