• He tells her 'YOU'LL NEVER BE QUEEN!'
• Their massive BLOW UP on S. American tour
  

Stephen Yates wrote Tues 24 Mar 2009 @11:58:02 CDT
re last week's birthdays:

That Nancy Wilson from Heart?  I am assuming not.  If not, who?

Yes, Nancy Wilson the guitarist for the rock band Heart turned 55
March 16.  The jazz singer Nancy Wilson turned 72 on Feb. 20. – Ed.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 22 Mar 2009 @11:04:35 PDT:

I don't have a wife,  but the other day I browsed a couple of tabloids while
waiting in line to buy sundries at my local Rite Aid.   The National Enquirer
headline was about Patrick Swayze's cancer:  "The End!"  it said.  Below it
was an unflattering photo taken from behind showing his baldness from che-
mo, with a caption "He's lost his hair!"

Thank you.  With notorious exceptions (e.g., Michael Jackson and Johnny Cash), we
have tended to avoid tabloid death watches.  But you have inspired a new poll for our
readers:   Which of the following celebrities  are  still  living  (opinion rates equally with
fact):

• Francisco Franco
• Ariel Sharon
  
• Eleanor Roosevelt
• Nancy Reagan
• Paul McCartney
• Elvis
• Jack Kevorkian
  
• Nelson Mandela
• Jerry Lewis
• Jerry Lee Lewis
  
• Bill Clinton
• Yoko Ono
  

                                              – Editor, Tabloid Headlines

A state trooper was under investigation for his  Facebook  site  in which
he called himself the "garbage man" and his arrestees "trash," with a pho-
to of a .357 magnum pointed at his head while he was drinking beer with
friends,  and  another  photo  of a crash involving his police car,  with  his
comment, "These people should have died when they were young." . . .

The Cardinal Newman Society termed Notre Dame University's invitation
to President Obama to deliver this year's commencement address "an out-
rage and a scandal,"  and set up a web page in protest.

                                                                    [courtesy Associated Press]

Air bags deployed and a woman was hospitalized when her car fell into a
pothole  12  feet  wide  and  15  feet  deep  in Anthony Boulevard in Fort
Wayne.
                                                 [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette]

A federal judge denied release on  bond  to a Clay County Circuit Court
judge charged with rigging an election.
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

A 14-year-old boy was suspended from his school bus for a week in Ed-
monson County for saying "fuck"  (see also dumb news from Florida, be-
low).
                                                            [a Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

"We are cooling.  We are not warming.  The warming you see out there,
 the supposed warming  .  .  .  is part of the cooling process.  Greenland,
 which is now covered in ice,  it was once called Greenland for a reason,
 right? Iceland, which is now green. Oh, I love this.  Like we know what
 this planet is all about."
                                        – Michael Steele, Republican National Chairman

"I entrust them to Jesus."
                                        – Pope Benedict XVI,  of the two girls trampled to
                                           death at a stadium where he appeared in Angola

Mariah Carey, 39
Quentin Tarantino, 46
Vicki Lawrence, 60

A woman who embezzled $73,000  from the church where she
was the administrative assistant, in Arlington, Washington,  said
the devil made her do it. .  .  . A 61-year-old man was found to
be married to two different women in the same apartment com-
plex  in Overland Park,  Kansas. . . . Two men fleeing police in
San Diego threw  $17,000 in cash out the windows of their car,
onto a freeway. . . . A 15-year-old boy was suspended from his
school bus for three days  in Lakeland,  Florida,  for passing gas
(see also dumb news from Kentucky,  above).  .  .  .  Eighty-five
Republicans voted for a 90 per cent income tax  on  AIG execu-
tive bonuses.  .  .  .  Sylvia Plath's son,  the evolutionary biologist
Nicholas Hughes,  hanged himself in Alaska. . . .  An Afghan TV
station manager was jailed for showing women with  short  skirts
and  plunging necklines.  .  .  .  A Tunisian pilot was convicted of
manslaughter  for  praying  instead of executing emergency meas-
ures as his plane went down off the coast of Sicily in 2005 killing
16 passengers. . . . Police in Sebastian, Florida, found the mum-
mified remains of a woman dead six years and arrested a daugh-
ter who had been cashing the woman's  Social  Security  checks.
.  .  .  A man painted a 60-foot  penis  on the roof of his parents'
house in Berkshire, England, that Mom and Dad were not aware
of for a year. .  .  . An eighth-grade teacher who came to class in
Land o' Lakes,  Florida,  drunk  and  forced pupils to dance with
her as she bared her buttocks  was  videoed  and  photographed
on student cell phones. . . . A 14-year-old child in Trenton, New
Jersey, was charged with possession and distribution of child por-
nography for posting nude photos of herself  on her MySpace site
(and will have to register as a sex offender if convicted). . . . Bab-
oon Metaphysics came in second in Britain's annual oddest book
title contest  (the winner was The 2009-2014 World Outlook for
60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais).

                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Terry Crow wrote Sun 15 Mar 2009 @10:15:04 PDT re
the "Change you can believe in" ad campaign in Shelbyville:

At least the Indiana casino got it right.  Bring in dollars,
leave with change.

Lafayette Jefferson High School installed a "mosquito" screecher,  au-
dible to teen-agers but not to most adults, to keep pupils from congre-
gating on stairs and around an elevator.
                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

Indiana moved up to third place among the states  in air, land, and water
pollution, behind Ohio and Alaska, respectively (Kentucky ranked 15th).

                                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

[See also first headline, above.]

A high school teacher's house burned down when three students set off
fireworks on her front porch in Dry Ridge. 
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]


                                                                                                                      [See also Zumba link.
      And you might want to listen to Jesse Winchester sing Rhumba Man while you view the pittures.]

Nancy Wilson, 55 (no, not that Nancy Wilson; that Nancy Wilson)
John Sebastian, 65

A man who bolted antlers to the head of a dead doe and posed
for a photograph with it was fined and jailed in  Burlington, Ver-
mont.  .  .  .  A python swallowed a 13-pound dog in Katherine,
Australia. . . . A man pulled 41 bull snakes from the crawl space
of a friend's house in a Denver, Colorado, suburb.  .  .  .  A dog
ate $400 in cash he found in his mistress' bedroom. . . .  A cow
gave birth to triplets at Washington State University. . . . A man
robbed a bank from the drive-through lane in Pharr, Texas. .  .  .
Another man was arrested for falling asleep in a fast food drive-
through in Bismarck,  North Dakota.  .  .  . Employees of a state
mental home in Corpus Christi, Texas,  were arrested for organ-
izing "fight clubs" among residents. . . .Personnel at a high school
in  Dallas,  Texas,  staged bare-knuckles brawls among troubled
students in a locker room cage. .  .  . A Siberian woman was ar-
rested  for  cannibalism.  .  .  .  Bob Dylan's neighbors in Malibu,
California,  complained  about the stench from an outhouse in his
yard. . . .  A 17-year-old boy shot 11 people with a BB gun in a
park in Lyon, France.

                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• GI in Iraq rejects Prez as Commander-in-Chief
• Lawyer:  Hundreds of troops set to follow
  

Patricia M. wrote Sun 8 Mar 2009 @07:13:14 PDT re last week's
quotation of Christina Romer:

That CERTAINLY was hysterical.

Anderson's Wigwam, the second largest high school basketball field-
house in the world, was spared by the school board,  which voted to
close four schools instead to trim its budget.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

At the request of White House lawyers,  the "Indiana Live" casino in
Shelbyville canceled an ad campaign for its grand reopening that fea-
tured an Obama look-alike chanting "Change you can believe in."

                                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

"It is sort of like the arsonist who sets fire to the house and then
 buys up the charred remains and resells it."
                                                                     – Margot  Saunders,   a lawyer with the
                                                                        National  Consumer  Law Center,  re-
                                                                        garding  PennyMac,  a  business foun-
                                                                        ded  by  Countrywide Financial  presi-
                                                                        dent  Stanford  Kurland  to  buy  delin-
                                                                        quent mortgages from the government
                                                                        for pennies on the dollar

"It's kind of like asking whether the stock market has bottomed out."

                                                                        – Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, asked
                                                                            about the state of the Republican party


"Rape the women, kill the children, leave nothing."
                                                                                – a Sudanese soldier, reciting his orders

Mark Lindsay, 67
Lloyd Price, 76
Keely Smith, 77

An animal trainer for Siegfried & Roy was found guilty of raping
a 2-year-old girl  (the crime was recorded on video).  .  .  . Alan
Landers ("Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should")  died of
lung cancer at 68.  .  .  . A 13-year-old boy was stopped driving
85 miles an hour in New Zealand. . . .A 31-year-old chimpanzee
at a zoo in Stockholm gathered rocks  in  the  morning  to  hurl at
visitors in the afternoon (but, no Willie Mays, he hit few of them).
. . .A woman who intended to inseminate her wife with her broth-
er's semen was charged with domestic assault in Pittsfield, Mass-
achusetts (yes, you read that right; but click on the link and see if
you can tell who's who, or if the reporter had any idea). . . . Swe-
dish golfer Henrik Stenson stripped to his skivvies  to play a shot
out of the mud  at a pro tournament  in  Doral,  Florida  ("Just the
way God created me," he remarked – as if he were born wearing
boxer briefs and a golf glove).

                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Publius Leget wrote Sun 1 March 2009 @11:07:33 CST:

So, the automobile was invented in America, huh?  Well, I guess
that's possible.  If I remember correctly, baseball was invented in
Russia.

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 1 Mar 2009 @15:32:44 CST re Hillary Clinton's
acknowledgment that the existential message of the Beatles "struck home":

Did she inhale?

A school bus driver in Portgage said he was unaware of three of his
teen-age boy passengers' groping girls,  exposing their genitals,  set-
ting fire to a flammable body spray,  and mooning passing motorists.

                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

The Kenton County Jail, in Covington, switched from orange jumpsuits
to hot pink for its prisoners.    Just across the Ohio River from the Paul
Brown Stadium,  orange-clad escapees blended in with Cincinnati Ben-
gals fans, the jailer reasoned. . . .

A 19-year-old Glasgow man fire-bombed a probation office to destroy
his urine sample.
                                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

"I'm certainly hoping that by the end of the year, we're certainly in positive territory on GDP
 growth and employment will be soon to follow."

                 – Christina Romer, chairwoman of President Obama's Council of Economic Advisers, who
                    said "fully" once, "realistically" once, "actually" once, "absolutely" once,  "exactly" ex-
                    actly once,  and  "certainly"  eleven times  in a 4½-minute rose-colored interview on Na-
                    tional Public Radio (click here for a sound bite;  click here for the whole interview).

Little Peggy March, 61
Willie Mays, 78

A study found that Utah leads the nation in internet pornogra-
phy subscriptions per capita. . . . A woman with two wombs,
from Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, gave birth to two daughters
– one from each uterus. . . . A Massachusetts man pocketed
$36,000  by suing 21 different restaurants  for the same bro-
ken tooth. . . . One hundred fifty persons applied for jobs at
the  topless  coffee  shop  in  Vassalboro,  Maine  (ten  were
hired).  . . . The Irish protested against U2,  who relocated to
the Netherlands to avoid taxes. . . . Siegfried & Roy returned
to the stage in Las Vegas with the same tiger that mauled Roy
on stage more than five years ago. . . .A cell phone lost on the
beach  at  Worthing,  England,  turned up in the belly of  a 25-
pound codfish, and it still worked.

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

"Monitoring" titled "Urgent Message,"
"NCUA" titled "Important Notification," and
 "Paul Miritello" titled "I want you to be part of MyLife."

• Paranoid and deeply depressed
• Says Obama 'out to get me'
• Accuses Laura of DESTROYING him in sell-all book

Len wrote Sun 22 Feb 2009 @11:39:36 EST:

I challenge the word  "jobnames."  Ms. Cohen
must produce the dictionary and the entry.  As-
serting "our lexicon" doesn't cut it.

Gerry Blue wrote Sun 22 Feb 2009 @16:40:53 PST:

What is the procedure  for purchasing a subscrip-
tion to Tabloid Headlines for my son?  Your time-
ly news has not only kept me  informed,  but  also
has enhanced my ability to observe the human con-
dition  with  one  eyebrow  raised  over  the  years.
Now that my son is soon to be leaving the nest and
heading for the halls of higher learning I believe Tab-
loid Headlines will prove to be a valuable tool as he
continues to explore the world around him. . . .

Well, let's see what we can do.  If you win the Geauga con-
test, you can assign him your free subscription, since you al-
ready have one.  If you lose, we'll just give him one. – Ed.

A pit bull that killed a neighbor's horse in LaPorte County got the
death penalty from animal control officials. . . .

A bill passed by the State Senate was amended  to shift the func-
tions of township advisory boards to the county council  but  pre-
serve the office of township trustee. . . .

Purdue University was reviewing a report of cheating on an exam
by eight to ten engineering students.

                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

"After months of deliberation, focus groups,  committee meetings,
board meetings and soul searching," the Bowling Green Chamber
Orchestra changed its  name  to  Orchestra Kentucky of Bowling
Green.
                                                     [courtesy SOKY Happenings]

An audit  found that unauthorized expenditures by Lexington's Blue-
grass Airport executives included $7,400 for a Richard Petty NAS-
CAR "Driving Experience."
                                                                          [courtesy WKYT]

"The hand-clapping mode was what I first was captured by – but then, as I
 went through my angst period  and struggled with the challenges of living in
 the real world, the more existential message struck home."

                                – Hillary Clinton, asked in Asia whether she preferred the Beatles' "hand-
                                   clapping" phase or the "drug-fueled existentialism" of their later music

"We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets."

                                – Michael Steele, new Republican National Committee Chairman

Elizabeth Taylor, 77
Joanne Woodward, 79
Dakota Fanning, 15

A man jailed in Madison, Wisconsin, for impersonating an
officer was charged with a second offense – for telling fel-
low inmates he was a deputy sheriff, working under cover.
. . . Northwestern Missouri State College abandoned prin-
ted textbooks in favor of digital books on laptops.  .  .  . A
descendant of Geronimo sued Yale's Skull & Bones.  .  .  .
A raid on J. B. Precious Puppies,  a dog breeder  in Sene-
ca,  Missouri,  found 170 abused chihuahuas and a starving
Bengal tiger in a cage full of puppy parts. .  .  .  An octopus
opened its tank's recycling valve,  flooding the Santa Moni-
ca Pier Aquarium  with  200 gallons  of California seawater.
.  .  .  A man in a crash in Willow Creek,  California,  got in
the driver's seat  of  the ambulance that came to rescue him
and took off  (he was caught, and arrested for DUI). . . . A
foster mother  in Evangeline Parish,  Louisiana,  traded  two
children for a cockatoo and $175. . . . The University of A-
rizona urged students not to go to  Mexico  for spring break.
.  .  . President  Obama  said the automobile was invented in
the United States.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP, NPR, CNN]