FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 24 May 2009 @09:05:51 PDT:

Re last week's laundry.mp3, that was Jeanetta, right?
I couldn't discern her laughing comment at the end.

Yes, it was, indeed, Jeanetta.  What she said was, "Thought it was
a dead bird." – Ed.

Jeanetta Girard wrote Weds 27 May 2009 @15:04:26 CDT:

I think the hillbilly just mispronounced "transplanted."  He want-
ed Edwin transplanted in a jail – or maybe Kingdon Come.

Steve Yates wrote Thurs 28 May 2009 @10:57:15 CDT:

It's got to have something to do with sending Edwin into another
dimension – another "plane."

Editor:   Both answers are close.  The correct spelling is "transplained,"
    and it's a form of banishment.  The worst exile imaginable to a hillbilly
    is to be transplanted onto the Great Plains.

John Boy and Billy
Frank and Wanda
Bob and Sherry
J. B. and Sandy
Dean and Rog
Stevie and Renée

                           [vote early and often – write-ins welcome]

Church leaders inspecting a funeral home they bought at a tax sale in
Gary found five unidentifiable bodies left behind.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

An 18-year-old exchange student from Ethiopia drowned in his hosts'
swimming pool in Somerset (he did not know how to swim). . . .

An  FBI  agent  crashed a seized Ferrari F-50 in Lexington as he was
driving it from one storage location to another.
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

"I overexaggerated to throw the ball and to do the other things, you know."

                – The Chicago Cubs' 6-foot-5-inch, 255-pound  pitcher Carlos Zambrano,
                   who was ejected for bumping an umpire and then threw the baseball to
                   the outfield,  flung his glove against a dugout fence,  and bashed a dug-
                   out drink dispenser with a bat,  in protest of a close call at home plate

Cilla Black, 66
Bob Dylan, 68

Prosecutors  in  Maine  were reviewing a complaint that a wait-
ress from the topless coffee shop in Vassalboro  was seen out-
side without a shirt on. . . . A seven-legged calf with two spines
was born in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. . . .  A woman gave
birth to twins from different fathers  in Dallas,  Texas  (and,  no,
artificial insemination was not involved). . . . Alina Percea, a Ro-
manian teen-ager who auctioned off her virginity on  the  internet
to attend school in Mannheim, now faces Germany's 50 per cent
prostitution tax.  .  .  .  Belgium's bodybuilding championship was
canceled when anti-doping officials appeared unannounced,  and
all 20 competitors grabbed their belongings and ran away. . . .  A
giant pair of women's legs in a red thong was blown up as China's
Love Land sex park was demolished. . . . A Chinaman was push-
ed off a bridge by an angry passer-by when his  threat  to  commit
suicide held up traffic for five hours (he landed on a safety cushion).
 . . . A 94-car freight train in Milwaukee slammed a stalled minivan
into two men trying to rescue a 2-year-old boy inside (the boy was
unhurt).  .  .  . Stuck in a rabbit hole for 25 days in Pembrokeshire,
Wales,  a Jack Russell terrier named Jake finally emerged after los-
ing 25 per cent of his body weight. ... A McDonald's drive-through
customer in Aloha, Oregon,  called 911 to report that the attendant
was rude and didn't give him his orange juice  (McDonald's also di-
aled 911, and the customer was jailed).  .  .  . A $232 million dollar
winning Powerball ticket was sold in Winner,  South  Dakota  (pop.
2,800). . . . A man was arrested for mowing the grass in a city park
in Sandusky, Ohio. . . .Susan Boyle came in second in Britain [Has]
Talent.
                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Len wrote Sun 17 May 2009 @11:19:59 EDT:

Diane Rehm is the best interviewer on radio, despite her
spasmodic dysphonia.

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 18 May 2009 @12:29:05 PDT:

What's a Fuchsiamobile?

It was our roving reporter Steve Yates' little automobile,  fuchsia  in
color, which hydroplaned into a fence in Sunfish as he was returning
from a music festival in Hadley, Kentucky, where he had performed
Carll Hayes' song "She Left Me for Jesus,"  with the following lyrics:

She left me for Jesus, and that just ain't fair;
She says that He's perfect: How could I compare?
She says I should find Him, and I'll know peace at last –
If I ever find Jesus, I'm kickin' his ass!

Steve was injured but not hospitalized.  The Fuchsiamobile was totaled. – Ed.

Indiana  University,  in order to avoid a panic  like that when Air
Force One was chased by a fighter jet  around the Statue of Lib-
terty last month, notified law enforcement that a helicopter would
be flying low over campus to take publicity photographs. . . .

A plane trailed a banner showing an aborted fetus  above  the Uni-
versity of Notre Dame  shortly before President Obama arrived on
Air Force One   to give the commencement speech  (the images on
line aren't very clear, but here's a still if you have to see it).  Among
39 protesters arrested on the ground  was  Norma McCorvey,  the
"Roe" of Roe v.Wade.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Covered with a carpet, the body of a 750-pound woman who died at
age  48 was removed from her Indianapolis home on a flatbed wreck-
er.
                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, Indianapolis Star]

A boater found the body of the motorist who stopped a police chase
a  week  before  by jumping off the Ohio River bridge between New
Albany and Louisville.
                                                             [courtesy Courier-Journal]

In an article on a 1992 "cold case" murder investigation, the Park City
Daily News, of Bowling Green, reported that the victim had three chil-
dren "at the time of her death"  (it did not report how many she had la-
ter).
                                                                [courtesy Keith D. Durbin]

Our foreign correspondent Edwin  was on assignment  on  a  dead  end
public  road  in a holler in Nicholas County,  Kentucky.  A private road
offered the only turnabout that would save his traveling in  reverse  back
to  civilization,  but a sign on the private road  prohibited  turning around
there.  Finding a turnabout nonetheless a practical necessity  (and,  with-
al, legal, according to the official Kentucky Driver Manual), Edwin back-
ed the rear half of his SUV  into  the private road,  whereupon  a  hillbilly
(often  armed,  according to a neighbor)  exited his cabin  and shouted at
Edwin,  "I've got your license, and I'm going to  have  you  transplaned"
(or "transplained" – Edwin thought it inexpedient,  and probably futile,  to
ask the spelling).

    Poll:   (a) How do you spell the word?   (b) What does it mean?
    Please submit entries by e-mail by noon PDT Saturday, May 30.

"You give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney, and one hour,
 and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders."

                                                                                        – Jesse Ventura, who underwent water-
                                                                                            boarding in his Navy SEAL training

"I give up – it's hopeless."
                                          – President Obama

Nancy Kwan, 70
Al Franken, 58

A woman was arrested and handcuffed for not obeying a po-
liceman's order to hold the hand rail of an escalator  in  Mon-
treal's Metro. . . .  A Catholic hospital in Springfield,  Massa-
chusetts,  was awaiting word on whether a  window  bearing
the likeness of the Virgin Mary is worthy of veneration.. . . A
youth in Winston-Salem,  North Carolina,  was charged with
concealing evidence  after holding up a store  with  a  banana
and then eating the banana when he was detained. . . . A Tai-
wanese man who saw his wife having sex with his friend on a
DVD  titled  "Affairs with Others' Wives"  stabbed  his  friend.
.  .  . Aidan  Clifford,  named one of "Ireland's Most Romantic
Couple"  by the Irish Wedding Journal,  lost his title after being
convicted of masturbating while following women in his car.. . .
A motorist was busted in Needham, Massachusetts, for driving
while eating a bowl of cereal and milk. . . .  A doctor at a small
hopital in Maryborough, Victoria, Australia,  used a carpenter's
drill to relieve pressure on a boy's brain  and save his life.  .  .  .
Tustin Mains,  6,  and his 3-year-old brother,  Sunday,  were in
the back seat of the family pickup truck in North Platte, Nebras-
ka,  when their father,  Phillip (two L's, please note),  passed out
from low blood sugar; and Tustin grabbed the wheel and steered
the vehicle to safety  (it was not reported  whether the boys were
born in Kentucky).

                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• Bill Clinton
• Sarah Palin
• Rush Limbaugh
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 10 May 2009 @08:31:26 PDT:

And last week's Dumb News contest winner was (again)
INDIANA, with a record-breaaking FIVE items!

Blenster wrote Sun 10 May 2009 @09:11:11 EDT:

Speaking of NPR, ever hear the Diane Rehm show?  She
talks  SO   SLOW.    I thought maybe they were doing a
charitable thing by hiring a stroke victim.  Her pace grates
on my nerves and I have to change the station.

Thanks for the laughs.

Listen to this mp3 – Ed.

A suspected drug dealer led police on a 90-m.p.h. chase from Fort
Wayne to Decatur that ended when he stopped at a Taco Bell for a
burrito.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

The driver of a stolen van led police across the Ohio River  from  New
Albany to Louisville and back;  and on his third trip across the river, he
parked the van in the middle of the bridge and jumped off   (he has not
been found).
                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A school counselor in Morehead got 12 years in prison  for  receiving
child pornography on his computer. . . .

A Lexington gynecologist accused of performing abortions  he billed to
Medicaid as ultrasound examinations lost his medical license for having
a dirty office. . . .

Governor Stevie began tweeting on Twitter.
                                                                                      [courtesy AP]

"Michelle supports the right to bare arms."
                                                                    – Barack Obama

"OK, it's time to panic."
                                        – Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

Perttu Kivilaakso, 31
Cate Blanchett, 40

Twenty-four high school students celebrating their senior prom
with an elevator-stuffing prank in Sacramento,  California,  got
stuck between floors  for  two  hours  (and one of the girls had
claustrophobia). . . . Afghanistan, which had no reported cases
of  swine  flu,  placed its only pig in solitary confinement. at  the
Kabul Zoo. ... Kenyan Prime Minister Raila Odinga's wife join-
ed a national sex boycott  intended to force government leaders
to stop feuding, and countryman James Kimondo sued women's
rights groups for mental anguish and backache. . . . The price of
prostitution dropped so low in Russia that men were hiring hook-
ers for conversation. .  .  . Lucy,  a  two-nosed  Wisconsin  cow,
gave birth to a normal calf. .  .  . Molly,  a cow on her way to the
slaughterhouse in Brooklyn,  escaped  and  ran  free  through  the
streets of Queens (and, with the help of animal  rightsists, was put
out to pasture instead of slaughter at a sanctuary farm on Long Is-
land, with a steer named Fred Wexley as her stablemate). .  .  . A
man in Taiwan was bitten on the penis by a big rat snake as he sat
on his toilet, where it lurked inside. . . . A substitute school bus dri-
ver in Newton County, Arkansas,  ran a stop sign that wasn't there
(it had been stolen,  police  said)  and collided with a pickup truck,
sending 18 students and three children in the pickup truck,  plus its
driver,  to the hospital. . . . An air pollution survey of Spanish cities
found the smog above Madrid and Barcelona laced with five drugs,
most prominently cocaine. . . . Two Yellowstone National Park em-
ployees were fired for taking a piss in Old Faithful.

                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 3 May 2009 @10:34:33 EDT
from Florida re the Kentucky nursing home where staff were
pornographing residents with cell phone photos:

Well,  that  just  sounds  like  FUN!  A "sexy seniors" calendar is
produced at a Port Charlotte,  Florida,  nursing home.  Residents
willingly pose au naturel in suggestive manners with clever props,
get lots of air brushing and glamourizing, and sell the thing like hot-
cakes to raise money for their favorite medical charity (of course).

Because of  the  swine  flu  scare,  there will be no hand-shaking this
year with the passing out of diplomas at Purdue University.   But be-
fore you chant "Moo U.!" (or "Oink Tech!"), consider that there was
to be no hand-shaking at Indiana University yesterday, either.  Hand
sanitizer was used at St. Joseph's College, in Rensselaer. . . . .

Indiana University rated third, in use and quality, of 322 schools reg-
istered on Grade-Guru.com, a site for sharing lecture notes. . . .

Alan Keyes and 21 others were arrested at an anti-Obama demon-
stration at the University of Notre Dame. . . .

Police evacuated 50 homes in Huntingburg as they emptied a rented
storage locker of explosives and illegal drugs. . . .

A 21-year-old man in Portage, who had argued with his mother, set
fire to her bedroom door  and  spray-painted a racial slur on the ga-
rage door to make it look like someone else committed the arson.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Calvin  Borel,  the  exuberant  jockey  who  high-fived  nearly  everyone  at
Churchill Downs after winning the Kentucky Derby on Mine That Bird,  will
ride a different horse in the Preakness, the second leg of horse racing's triple
crown. . . .

A  white  firefighter  in  Louisville  charged with racial harassment of a black
firefighter will be represented at a disciplinary hearing by his attorney,  Mar-
vin O'Koon.
                                                                       [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"I would tell members of my family – and I have – I wouldn't go
 anywhere in confined places now.    When one person sneezes,
 it goes all the way through the aircraft.  I  would  not be,  at this
 point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they
 ride the subway."
                                                     – Vice President Joe Biden

"I think the vice president misrepresented what the vice president
 wanted to say."
                            – Presidential press secretary Robert Gibbs

"This administration will tell you when it's time to panic."
                                                                                        – Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

A 57-year-old man received a double hand transplant  at  a
hospital in Pittsburgh,  Pennsylvania.   The donor  or donors
were not identified,  nor was it said whether he or they were
living or dead.   So:  If  the  donor  was  an  Arabian  whose
hands were severed for theft, will the patient become a thief?

Hosni Mubarak, 81
Toni Tenille, 69
Bob Seger and Jimmy Dale Gilmore, 64 (same day, May 6)
Traci Lords, 40
Mike Wallace, 91

A British couple copulated on the lawn of Windsor Castle as
Japanese tourists filmed them.  .  .  .  The "honking tree" near
Two Harbors, Minnesota,  a 75-foot-tall white pine on High-
way 61 in Bob Dylan country,  was sawed down by vandals;
but passing motorists still honk as they drive by,  in mourning.
. . . Swine flu,  renamed "influenza A (H1N1) virus,  human,"
under pork lobby pressure and referred to as "killer Mexican
flu" by anti-immigration activists,  infected 2,500  persons, or
0.0000005 of the world's population. . . .  South Korea bio-
engineered four fluorescent beagles. .  .  . A food service sur-
vey found  that  schoolchildren  would like to replace lunch la-
dies with robots. . . . Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's
wife announced plans for divorce after learning he had attend-
ed the 18th birthday party of a lingerie model  ("He  never  at-
tended the 18th birthdays of his own children,"  she said). . . .
A 21-year-old man in Tampa, Florida, was charged with mur-
der  for throwing his girl friend's  3-month-old  baby  from  his
moving car on I-275. . . .A former jailbird was caught riding a
bike in Fresno, California, while wearing a T-shirt with "PRIS-
ONER" printed on the back,  and was arrested for theft of the
shirt from the jail. . . . A man sued police in New Orleans who
threatened to arrest him for wearing a skirt to court. . . .A wo-
man doing "community service" in Torquay, England, was sent
back to court for showing up in four-inch heels. . . . A Virginia
man sued Burger King for failing to hold the pickles (and toma-
oes and onions) on his Whopper,  giving him, he said, a severe
allergic reaction. . . . A diner at T.G.I. Friday's in Clifton Park,
New York, got a snake head in his broccoli.  . . . The new Mr.
Spock,  Zachary Quinto,  had to have fingers glued together to
perform the "Vulcan salute."

Connie Harbeson wrote Mon 27 Apr 2009 @09:44:55 EDT:

Great stuff !  Keep 'em coming . . . .

Mary Ann Glendon, Harvard law professor and former U.S. ambas-
sador to the Vatican,  revoked  her  planned acceptance of  the Uni-
versity of Notre Dame's highest award,  in protest of the University's
planned award of an honorary degree to Barack Obama.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

State officials said staff at a nursing home in Lexington  attached songs
with sexual lyrics to cell phone photos of residents and circulated them
to other employees. . . . 

                                                           [more photos]                   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

                                                                                             

"It's not time to panic."
                                      – Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

Anouk Aimée, 77
Pete Seeger, 90

Dorothy Utley's Chihuahua,  Tinker Bell,  was picked up by a
70-mile-per-hour wind in Rochester, Michigan, and deposited
a mile away. . . . In a photo op without warning or notice,  Air
Force One buzzed the lower  Manhattan  skyline  near the site
of the World Trade Center, throwing office workers into panic
(President Obama was not aboard). . . . Salmonella was found
in raw alfalfa sprouts. . . . Alaskan 8th graders taunted a moose
that had wandered to their school,  frightening it into throwing it-
self against a wall until it died. . . . A café cook in Calexico,Cal-
ifornia,  discovered the image of  Our Lady of Guadalupe in the
griddle, which was removed to a shrine in a storage room  ("It's
a true miracle!" exclaimed Mr. Tempest, a visiting masked Mex-
ican wrestler).  .  .  . Fiji was drummed out of the Pacific Islands
Forum.
                       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]