• Glenn Beck
  
• Sarah Palin
• Pat Boone
• Toby Keith
• 21 more . . .
  

• Brutal fist fight
• 'Everyone lied'
• Robert Wagner is 'evil'
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 21 Sep 2009 @10:37:37 PDT
re last week's buzz word, "BFF":

Meaning . . . ?  "BFD," meaning "big freakin' deal," is also getting old.

"Don't ask me anything you can Google." – Ed. (quoting Andrei Codrescu)

Another  sinkhole  closed  another major thoroughfare  in  Fort
Wayne (Spy Run Avenue, which carries U.S. 27). . . .

A rural school bus downed low-hanging power lines  southeast
of Indianapolis, breaking the bus's windshield; and, although the
bus was no longer in contact with the lines when it stopped, stu-
dents were kept on board until the power could be turned off....

A man parachuted from the roof of the 21-story Barton Towers
public housing project in downtown Indianapolis. . . .

Wayne County  (Richmond, and the Quakers' Earlham College)
led the nation in highest percentage of divorced adults  (19 pct.).
Floyd County (New Albany)  and  Madison County (Anderson)
also made the top ten. . . .

The family of a Harrison County deputy sheriff's wife  who com-
mitted suicide with her husband's service pistol is suing the coun-
ty for wrongful death.

         [courtesy Associated Press, Louisville Courier-Journal]

A census worker was lynched in the Daniel Boone National Forest,
with the word "Fed" scrawled on his chest in felt-tip marker. . . .

A state senator who is constructing a courthouse annex in Richmond
and will lease it to the state  for $409,000 a month  was found not to
be violating any conflicts or ethics rules. . . .

A Louisville city councilman who gave his daughter $145,000 when
she ran for county district court judge said it was a  personal  family
gift  and  not subject to the $1,000 limitation on individual campaign
contributions  (a campaign finance board disagreed).  In addition, a
bank owned by the councilman lent the daughter $209,000. . . .

A Baptist pastor released from prison for child molestation  was or-
dained as a minister of the City of Refuge Worship Center in Louis-
ville. . . .

Dragan Jovanovic and Elvis Tahirovic,  of  Fargo,  North Dakota,
along with Jovanovic's 16-year-old daughter and 14-year-old son,
went to the school of a 14-year-old girl in Bowling Green  to  pick
her up a for an arranged  marriage  to Jovanovic's 14-year-old son
(the girl was in on it,  but her parents knew nothing about it).  Jova-
novic and Tahirovic were arrested. . . .

A first-grader,  reaching for a piece of candy on the street,  fell off a
float in the Edmonson County Fair Parade in Brownsville.



                                                                                 [courtesy AP, Courier-Journal, the Gimlet]

A 19-year-old woman who was unfaithful to her fiancé stood
outside Kroger's in Sandusky with a sign saying,  "I cheated,"
and "Honk if you think I deserve a second chance." . . .

A mother called police on her 16-year-old son  for  rolling  a
joint on a page from his Bible  (headline: "Holy Roller"). . . .

Skydiver "Danger Dan" Mathie, 30, died,  along with his cus-
tomer, Sierra Thomas, 22,  when their cords tangled. . . .

A young woman walked off the end of a dock  while  texting
on her cell phone  (and lost it in the lake). . . .

A texting teen-ager drove into a telephone pole and died. . . .

A  school  bus  rear-ended a car that then rear-ended another
car on U.S. 20.
                                               [courtesy Sandusky Register]

"Our job is to determine if there was foul play involved."
                                                                                        – David Beyer, of the FBI, investigating the
                                                                                           lynching of the Kentucky census worker

"We're standing up for peace."
                                                – Connie Doran, one of a group of rowdy protesters against a lecture
                                                   by Bill Ayers at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana

"What's in their water?"
                                       – Jeanetta Girard

Myrinda Brino, 11
Nikolas  Brino, 11
Lorenzo Brino, 11
Zachary Brino, 11
Debby Boone, 53
and the Boss is 60

King's Island amusement park,  in southern Ohio,  removed its
Halloween display of dead celebrity skeletons. . . . Charges of
cruelty to cows were dismissed against  a  policeman  in  New
Jersey, where bestiality is not a crime (but the Moorestown of-
ficer remains charged with molesting three girls and a boy). . . .
Joselito Ortega,  a Spanish matador,  agreed to carry an adver-
tisement on his cape, for Gay Up energy drink. .  .  . Moammar
Gadhafi's tent was pitched on the lawn of Donald Trump's sub-
urban estate, but taken down before Gadhafi arrived. . . . A St.
Louis area man teaching his girl friend how to use a safety  on a
handgun  shot himself in the head and died. . . .  A Kansas City
couple went to prison  for training the woman's 12-year-old girl
as a sex dominatrix,  to be put on hire on line. . . . Police Taser-
ed and handcuffed an emu running loose on Interstate 20 in Mis-
sissippi. . . . Police on a drug raid in Polk County, Florida, were
distracted by the suspect's Wii game and spent nine hours bowl-
ing on his big-screen TV. . . .  Jessica Simpson tweeted on Twit-
ter that her maltipoo ran off with a coyote. . . . A couple in Peor-
ia, Arizona,  lost temporary custody of their children and were in-
vestigated for child pornography after a Wal-Mart employee re-
ported bathtub photos to the police.  . . . Talking "action figures"
available from Herobuilders.com include Joe the Vice President,
Joe the Plumber,  and  Joe Wilson. . . .  John Edwards was said
to be contemplating a public admission  that he fathered the child
of his mistress,  whom he was said to have  promised  a  rooftop
wedding in New York,  with music by the Dave Matthews Band.
.  .  .  A 19.2-pound baby was born in Indonesia (he was named
Akbar).

 

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes]

• Gay affairs
• Wild boozing
• Hatred of William
  

A submachine gun,  a semiautomatic rifle,  a shotgun,  a .45-caliber
semiautomatic handgun, two sets of body armor and a sheriff's dep-
uty's badge were stolen from an FBI car  on the Northwest Side of
Indianapolis.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A Lexington man charged with stealing 1,072 marriage certificates from
six counties said he was gathering data for a mortgage company. . . .

A man sleeping between the rails in Lexington survived being  run  over
by a train, with only minor injuries.
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

"I would rather have a rectal examination on live TV by a fellow with cold
 hands than have a Facebook page."
                                                                                  – George Clooney

B. B. King, 84
Lauren Bacall, 85
Zak Starkey, 44
Stella McCartney, 38

A driver racked up dozens of speeding tickets in photo-radar
zones in Phoenix wearing monkey and giraffe masks ("You've
got to identify the driver," said the accused). . . .A high school
football game in Knoxville,Tennessee, between Fulton and Al-
coa was stopped in the 4th quarter when a sinkhole five yards
wide and five yards deep developed  on the 40-yard line  (Al-
coa was leading,  20-7).  .  .  .  An 11-year-old Alabama boy
faked his  own  kidnappping  on the way home from school to
explain his not bringing home his report card. . . .A co-ed ren-
ted a car in Jacksonville,  Florida,  only  to  find a 3½-foot rat
snake asleep on the dashboard. . . . A cow fell on a dairyman
in St. Lucie County, Florida. .  .  . A man called 911 in Clear-
water,  Florida,  to complain that a bartender would not serve
him. . . . A kangaroo leapt through a window into a psycholo-
gist's office in Atherton, Queensland,  Australia.  .  .  . Tens of
thousands gathered at the U.S. Capitol  to  protest health-care
reform,  immigration,  abortion,  budget deficit,  gun ownership
limitations, lingual plurality, bailouts and energy bills,  with signs
depicting President Obama as Adolf Hitler,  Che Guevara,  the
Joker, and a witch doctor  ("Bury Obamacare with Kennedy,"
read one sign;  "JoeWilson for President,"  another).  .  .  . The
number of Americans with no health insurance rose to 46.3 mil-
lion. ... Samoans switched to driving on the left side of the road.
. . . A developer in London was found guilty of murdering a ten-
ant in order to flip his property. . . .A man and a woman making
love in a dumpster in Wichita,  Kansas,  were  robbed  at  knife-
point. . . .  Muhammad became the most popular name for baby
boys in London  –  which joined Amsterdam,  Brussels,  Copen-
hagen and Oslo in that regard. . . . An insane killer escaped on a
field trip to the Spokane County Fair  arranged by his state men-
tal hospital in Washington. . . .  A VienneseCatholic who prayed
in a stuck elevator went straight to church to  thank  God  for his
release  and was killed by an 860-pound altar that tumbled as he
hugged it.

       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, WATE-TV, AP]

Our legal consultants say the Phoenix motorist has a point:  Without
good identification  or compelling circumstantial evidence  (i.e.,  be-
yond a reasonable doubt),  he cannot be  convicted  on the basis of
photographs of his car and license plate.

But what the authorities  could  do,  by duly enacted statute  or ordi-
nance,  is  prohibit  the owners of motor vehicles from allowing them
to be operated by  monkeys  and  giraffes,  or by anyone masquera-
ding  as  such  (something like the requirement of insurance on motor
vehicles, which targets owners as well as operators).

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 6 Sep 2009 @09:18:52 PDT
re ARCHIVES of Tabloid Headlines now ON LINE:

Gee, just like my L.A. Times e-edition!  Pretty spiffy.

The difference between Tabloid Headlines' archives and those
of the Los Angeles Times,  and the New York Times  and the
Louisville Courier-Journal,  is that  we do not ask you to  pay
for an article that is more than a week old.  – Ed.


Connie Harbeson wrote Mon 7 Sep 2009 @08:38:51 EDT:

The visual from this dumb news is giving me a bit of trouble: 

 

"A bald-headed man wearing only T-shit and underpants
 was arrested for chasing a neighbor's horse around a cor-
 ral in Benton County, Washington."

Help wanted!  Human copy editor, human proofreader.   That was
supposed to be T-shirt.  Strangely (or maybe not), our spell-check
will  flag  "T-shirt"  as  misspelled  but  not  "T-shit"  (thanks also to
Bruce Mitchell for catching this typo).  – Ed.

At the Parkwood Elementary School in Clarksville, not only were five
pupils whose parents objected sent to an alternative class during Pres-
ident Obama's speech to students,  but so were 20 pupils who did not
return permission slips.
                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Terre Haute city council adopted an ordinance prohibiting feeding
stray cats.
                                                [courtesy Terre Haute Tribune-Star]

An Auburn pastor arrested for having sexual relations with a 13-year-
old girl said the Devil made him do it.
                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

"You lie!"
                   – Congressman Joe Wilson

"Your mother drinks Air Wick!"
                                                      – unidentified pupil on playground at Parkwood
                                                         Elementary School in Clarksville, Indiana

"I'm not gonna act like what happened was OK.  It was all messed up."

                                                                         – U.S. Army Pvt.  Steven  Dale  Green,  con-
                                                                            victed of the  rape  and murder  of an Iraqi
                                                                            girl and the murder of her parents and sister

Carly Fiorina, 55
Sid Caesar, 87
Neko Case, 39

Charlotte Taylor, 18, had to be rescued from a  "long drop"    wooden toilet  and hosed off by firemen at a music festival    in Leeds,  England  (she had dived in to retrieve her purse).    .  .  . A 10-foot python made its home in a household toilet    near  Darwin,  Australia.  .  .  .  A history buff fired a two-    pound cannon ball through his neighbor's wall near Union-    town, Pennsylvania. . . . Serena Williams,  oblivious of the    meaning  of  her  first  name,  threatened to shove a tennis    ball  down  a  line  judge's  throat  at  the  U.S. Open. . . .    Glenn  Beck  misspelled  "oligarchy"  on a chalkboard  on    Fox News.  . . .  More than two dozen  alpine  cows  and    bulls  threw themselves off a Swiss cliff. . . .  President Al-    varo Uribe of Colombia caught the swine flu  in  Argentina.    .  .  .  President Rupiah Banda of Zambia evicted two hun-    dred primates from the statehouse after a monkey peed on    him at a press conference. . . . A court hearing in Cincinna-    ti  was  halted  when the 66-year-old robbery and kidnap-    ping defendant squeezed out his colostomy bag  on a table    and ate the contents. .  .  .  An Australian boy used his cell    phone to video a girl losing her virginity because she want-    ed  to  have  sex  before  the  Large Hadron Collider  was    turned on and the world ended. . . . Two girls, 10 and 12,    lost in a storm drain  in  Adelaide,  posted  their  plight  on    Facebook  instead of  dialing  triple-0  (Australia's version    of 911).  .  .  .  Two 20-year-old men were arrested  at  a    Wal-Mart  in Fort Smith,  Arkansas,  for playing a porno-    graphic DVD on a floor model that broadcast it to six dis-    play screens around the store. . . .To celebrate the advent    of same-sex marriage in Vermont, Ben and Jerry renamed    Chubby Hubby ice cream  Hubby  Hubby.  .  .  . Garrison    Keillor had a stroke.                   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

2 women flagged for sex testing    at U.S. Tennis Open tournament        Hantuchova, Oudin show no tits

• His wives in bitter WAR!
• His FORBIDDEN love for Jackie O
  

Edwin Kagin wrote Mon 31 Aug 2009 @10:46:26 EDT
re last week's birthday listings:

Tuesday Weld is more boring than Monday wash.

Students at Anderson High School were under investigation for don-
ning Ku Klux Klan hoods and shouting "White power!" . . .

The psychological  counseling  director  at the University of Southern
Indiana,  in  Evansville,  and his wife were arrested for growing mari-
juana on their property (73 plants were harvested by state troopers),
and the university fired him.
                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

Campbell County High School groundskeepers used cardboard coy-
otes to keep geese off their football field.
                                                                                   [courtesy AP]

The  state education commissioner told local school superintendents
that if they show President Obama's address Tuesday on the impor-
tance of education, they should provide alternative activities for chil-
dren whose parents "opt out."

                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

BIG news from Kentucky: University of Kentucky  freshman lineman Larry Warford stands only 6'3", but weighs 349 pounds [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Genius, said de Gaulle,  recalling Bismarck's decision to halt German forces short of Paris in
 1870, sometimes consists of knowing when to stop.  Genius is not required to recognize that
 in Afghanistan, when means now."
                                                                      – George F. Will

"I did nothing wrong, and I'm being treated like Britney Spears."                                 – Erin Andrews, ESPN sportscaster, who was secretly                                    videoed nude in her hotel room and exposed on line

"Foenetic speling wil maek reeding and rieting neerly automatic for evrybody."

                                                                         – Edward Rondthaler, spelling reform ad-
                                                                            vocate, who died last week at age 104

Dweezil Zappa, 40
Muriel Deason (Kitty Wells), 90
Pedro the Cruel, King of Castile, 34 at the time of his murder in 1369 (we usually do not list
                                      birthdays of the deceased, but this guy needed some fresh publicity)

Madonna was booed in Bucharest when she asked for an end
to discrimination against Gypsies. . . . A homeless man sniffing
aerosol burst into flames when Tasered by police in Lancaster,
Ohio. . . . AWelshman who was told he had to wait two years
for sex change surgery chopped off his penis. . . . Muhammad
Ali visited the birthplace of his great-grandfather in Ennis, wes-
tern Ireland. .  .  . A bald-headed man wearing only T-shit and
underpants was arrested for chasing a neighbor's horse around
a corral in Benton County, Washington.  .  .  .  Lisa Newsome,
42,  was arrested  in Zachary, Louisiana,  for waddling out of a
grocery store with a shoplifted case of beer between her thighs
(and it's all on security cam, including her stashing of the goods).
. . . A motorcyclist was arrested in Maryland after he offered a
store clerk marijuana to pay for his gasoline. . . .  A congenital-
ly armless man with prosthetic limbs was not allowed to cash a
check at the Bank of America in Tampa,  Florida,  because  he
could  not  provide  a  thumb  print. . . .  A 26-year-old man in
Delray  Beach,  Florida,  was arrested for calling 911 to report
he was hungry. . . .CBS sportscaster Dick Enberg learned how
to pronounce the surnames  of Russian tennis players Elena De-
mienteva and Maria Sharapova. . . .  A Bangladesh newspaper,
citing the Onion, reported  that Neil Armstrong admitted that the
1969 moon landing telecast was a hoax.

                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]