A 52-year-old man claiming to be Jesus threw a glass plate at an 80-year-old
woman crawling across the street in Louisville, calling her the devil, and then
told the judge at his arraignment  that he was the head of Homeland Security.

                                                                                        [courtesy WDRB-TV]

           

Lexington's most wanted: Featured fugitive Chawneta Adams, WF, 50, 5'2", 135 lbs, theft (Herald-Leader)

A Laurel County woman was assaulted by a Georgia man she met on the
internet because she did not measure up to his expectations.

                                                                                [courtesy WKYT-TV]

A Todd County man was indicted in a bizarre case of internet extortion
of sexual videos from teen-age girls.
                                                                [courtesy Park City Daily News]

The Louisville Zoo reported a virgin birth  to a 20-foot, 200-pound python
named Thelma,  who slithers with another female,  named Louise,  but had
not been near a male (all six in the litter are female; so save your "He shall
be known as the Snakiour" quips).
                                                                    [courtesy National Geographic]

"If you chase two rabbits, at some point you end up losing them both."
                                                                                                                        – Taylor Swift

"I don't know about protons, electrons, neutrons and photons; but I've slept on futons."

                                                                   – unidentified inmate at Texas Women's Prison

Quotations of the Wheat: "I don't know if I'm going crazy or I've never been sane." – Leonard Simon

Katy Perry, 30
Hasselhap Hebhoe, 31
Kim Kardashian, 34
Midori, 43
Alfred Matthew ("Weird Al") Yankovic, 55
Muffin Spencer-Devlin, 61
Patti Davis, 62
Lynette ("Squeaky") Fromme, 66
Hillary Clinton, 67
Judge Judy, 72
Helen Reddy, 73
Wanda Jackson, 77

Sonny Terry (1911-1986)

The Isis Coney Island diner in Detroit, named after the E-
gyptian goddess,  was changing its name to Freedom Co-
ney Island. . . . A man in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, named
Konrad Peters was arrested for throwing dildos out of a
car at teen-age girls. . . .  An "Ebola plush toy" by Giant
Microbes,  advertised as the "T. Rex of microbes," sold
out worldwide;  but Breaking Bad dolls were pulled by
Toys R Us after a protest led by a Florida mother. . . . Si-
erra Leone's national soccer team,  which  has  not  been
home since July,  was quarantined in an empty hotel  and
taunted with shouts of "Ebola! Ebola!" in Cameroon. . . .
A spider bored into an Australian man's appendix scar in
Bali and lived in his stomach for three days. . . .The death
sentence of a Christian woman convicted of blasphemy in
Pakistan was upheld. . . .Cyclone Hudhud killed 38 hikers
in the Himalayas. . . .Two women were hacked to death as
witches in Tanzania by men who said they had become im-
potent under the women's spells. . . .A man sued a surgical
center  where he said he awoke from a colonoscopy wear-
ing pink women's underwear in Wilmington, Delaware. . . .
A man grabbed a maid's mop at a hotel in Bristol, Connec-
ticut, pushed her into a corner and mopped over her shoes.
.  .  . An Italian couple making love in the sea got stuck to-
gether and had to be separated at a hospital. . . . An ad fil-
ling up the entire sides of vans with a picture of a woman's
breasts  was reported to have caused 500 accidents  in  24
hours in Moscow. . . . Blossom, at 6' 4", in Orangeville, Il-
linois, was found to be the world's tallest cow. . . . A Uni-
versity of Southern Mississippi  fraternity  freshman  on a
scavenger  hunt  took a female flamingo  from the Hatties-
burg Zoo  (the bird died,  as did its mate,  who was trying
to protect his bird). . . . A pumpkin weighed in at a ton 58
pounds in Napa Valley, California.

Arrested in Lubbock: Felicia Raquel Ramirez, 23, NOL; Christie Michelle Applegate, 41; Ruth Ann Barton, 58: Firewater OD

The presentation of the  National  Anthem  through the first four
games of the World Series was all "country & Western" unless
you consider Santana and son Salvatore – who presented an in-
strumental rendition for game 4 – as other than C&W  (but, re-
member,  there are only three classifications of  music:  classical
 jazz,  and country & Western).  Otherwise  the  presentations
were largely uneventful. Little Big Town gave us a "way-^ay-ave,"
a "free-_ee-ee,"  and a "the-_uh brave" before the third game (and
the bucket flag had a hole in it); but their four-part harmony wa
 interesting (even pretty good).

The best rendition was by Trisha Yearwood (fast-forward to 1:-
42 in the video)  at the opening game – it  was  a  little  country
(but, what did you expect?  She is from Georgia).  She didn't in-
vent any notes or add any flourishes that weren't there.

The singing by "Phillip Phillips," the 2012 American Idol cham-
pion  (whose mother and natal nurse did not know how to spell
"Philip"), to open the second game, was considerably less com-
mendable.  He's also from Georgia,  but his inflection was con-
siderably countrier than Yearwood's.  Try these:

                                                         "what so proudly we helled"
                                                    "o'er the remperts we watched"
                                                                  "the rockits' red glare"
                                                             "o'er the lend of the free"

Halloween is around the corner, and my 7-year-old daugh-
ter has decided to be a cowgirl.  She wants the boots,  the
hat,  and the gun.

Is it appropriate to let her have a holster and a toy gun to
accessorize her costume for trick-or-treating?

                                              Confused About Halloween

Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "Dr. Bear" titled "striped," "Dr.
        Admin" titled "genus," "Dr. Bykos" titled "desire," "Dr.Revog" titled "crab,"
        "dr.Jonboy" titled "mm," "dr.Vuxag" titled "broke," "dr.Mail" titled "class,"
        "dr.Fv" titled "anlogous," "dr.Po" titled "look," "dr. Info" titled "mute," and
        "dr. Info" titled "type" (the spacing, by the way, is quoted exactly).


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Natznet Tesfay.


The movies:  A Bertie's Girl

           

            This will let you see one of the girls sung about in last week's movie.

A Fayette County jail inmate, due for release October 31 from a sentence for
burglary, assault, contempt of court, parole violation and failure to appear, e-
scaped from work release.
                                                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Joy ("Alison") Hayes, former assistant principal at Madison County Southern High School in Berea, was arrested for having sex with two juveniles, at least one of whom was a girl (Madison County Detention Center photo)

    Hayes, 43, was previously principal at the Lexington Traditional Magnet School.

         [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader, WKYT, WTVQ, Lex18, Richmond Register]

MoveOn.org called on Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin  Alison Lundergan Grimes
to pull an ad calling undocumented immigrants "illegal aliens" and accusing her
election opponent, Senator Mitch McConnell, of amnesty. . . .

McConnell, an opponent of raising the minimum wage, denied he had become
wealthy at public expense – "That's a result of an inheritance my wife got," he
explained.
                                                                                 [courtesy Huffington Post]

Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison Lundergan Grimes Alexis Kae Sarinopoulos, 17, Mitch McConnell Sylvia Vasquez Gonzalez, 41: Hold for U.S. Marshal (political impersonation)

"We have clearly stated what is required, and what is required is required yesterday."

                                                                            – Ernest Bai Koroma, president of Sierra Leone

"I'm Jewish, and I'm gay.  Would I be able to have a nice vacation in Iran?"

                             – Ari Shapiro, guest host of National Public Radio's Weekend Edition Sunday

"You so would . . . as long as you respect the laws . . . so, women, if they can cover their hair,
  and cover their arms – you  know,  you respect the dress laws  and the sort of behavior laws,
  which are just logical things,  really,  you  know."

                    – Kahmin Mohammadi, female Iranian-born travel writer (the person interviewed)

"I've had moments of . . . you know, waking up in the night thinking, 'Wow, that's kind of  pro-
  found.' . . .  For me this just kind of really hammers home the serendipity of science."

                    – genetic scientist Jennifer Doudna, Nobel candidate at the University of California

"Now to all those Senate seats up for grabs:  They're expensive – some are pretty nasty . . . ."

                                                                                                                       – Rachel Martin, NPR

"Decades of Smokey Bear and putting out fires has allowed forests to grow denser."

                                                                                                                      – Lauren Sommer, NPR

"The data, as I understand it, depends on hundreds of police departments' self-reporting?"

                                                                                                                                 – Rachel Martin

"Well, there are things the data doesn't ask. . . . There's also questions from one police agency to
  another about how they define certain things."
                                                                                     – Ryan Gabrielson, ProPublica news

"Those kind of conversations didn't happen often."
                                                                                        – Eric Deggans, NPR TV critic

Quotations of the Wheat: "The way to a woman's heart is through her vagina." – Leonard Simon

Cheryl Crowe (no, not Sheryl Crow), 36
Natalie Maines, 40
Farrell (given the misspelled nickname "Pharoah" by "Sun Ra") Sanders, 74
Lee Iacocca, 90
Anna Stoehr, 114
King Przemysl II (1257-1296)

Bert Kaempfert (1923-1980)
Jim Reeves (1923-1964)

Airlines' cabin clean-up workers went  on  strike  in  New
York for Ebola safety, and Ebola relief supplies for Sierra
Leone were held up in customs on the Ivory Coast  and  by
politics in a seaport. . . .The dog of the Spanish nurse with
Ebola was exterminated despite a "Twitter" campaign with
the "hashtag" "#saveExcalibur,"  while the dog of the nurse
with Ebola in Dallas, Texas,  was quarantined. . . . A dead
black bear cub was found in New York's Central Park,  as
wildlife officials in New Jersey prepared a cookbook  in-
cluding a recipe for bear satay on a stick. . . . A sacrificial
goat kept on a six-stories-high roof in Diyarbakir,  Turkey,
jumped off and landed its owner's 13-year-old son, killing
itself (and the boy too). . . . A pit bull killed a 6-month-old
girl in England. .  .  .  Alaska changed its marriage license
forms from "bride" and "groom" to "party A" and "party B"
(so, how do they tell?). . . . Edward Snowden's girl friend
moved to Moscow. . . . Anna Stoehr, of Plainview, Minne-
sota – born October 15,  1900 – had to lie about her age to
get a Clutterbook Facebook page. . . . In a campaign called
"go with the flow," England's University of East Angalla ad-
vised students to  pee in the shower  so as not to wast water
flushing toilets. .  .  . Clowns were terrifying children in Ba-
kersfield, California. . . . PBS was feuding with Harper's.

[courtesy Harper's, Snopes, HuffPost, Raw Story, NBC.com, AP]

      

Two major league baseball teams that did not even win
their divisions' pennants – the San Francisco Giants, of
the National League,  and  the Kansas City Royals,  of
the American – will meet in this year's  "World  Series"
(which will be on TV,  if you consider  Fox  TV).   This
happened once before, in 2002, when it was the Giants
and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim  (or was it the
California Angels not of Los Angeles in those days?).

Relief pitcher Kelvin (say "kel-VEEN") Herrera helped the Kansas City Royals get to the World Series (by wearing his baseball cap sidewise) (his hero)

I've been married 35 years. My wife and I were in our
late 20's when we wed.  I was living on my own,  and
she was living with her parents and brother  in a filthy
house.

My wife promised our house would always be clean,
but after 15 years it began looking  like  her  parents'.
She never throws anything away.  I'm  retired.  I  toss
things out while she's at work.

When my wife is home she is glued to the TV  (unless
we are at the dinner table).  I told her I'm ready to get
rid of the cable box, but she said she would pay for it.
I may take her up on that.  Any suggestions?

                                                    Frustrated Husband

The movies:  Bertie's Girls

           

Len wrote Sun 10/5/14 @17:26 EDT in reply to FGDean, Jay Cory, and Uncle
Clem:

It is my understanding that they call themselves  الدولة الإسلامية في العراق والشام‎
al-Dawlah al-Islāmīyah fī al-ʻIraq wa-al-Shām)  and  by  the Arabic ac-
ronym Dāʻish (داعش).  They are a death cult that has declared war on the
world. It would seem to me that there would be far less confusion if "Un-
cle Clem" would simply educate himself.

Vik Stoldfeed wrote Sun 10/5/14 @12:34 MDT:

It  appears as though Honkin de Hope Annis  is breaking two important
rules  of life:   1.  Never fuck with anybody who is crazier than you are,
and   2.  Never fuck with anybody who has less to lose than you do.  In
addition Honkin Annis, who has already made me dizzy with two differ-
ent  (at least)  names,  is fucking with somebody who understands name
changes  and has probably had more wives  than  Honkin will ever have
names.  I say with a happy chuckle (if Hope Annis and Honkin de Spain
are one and the same), fuck Honkin.  If they are  not  one and the same,
then fuck Honkin  and fuck Hope,  I say with a lopsided chortle.   What
say ye other readers and/or subscribers to TH?  Honk if you're hopeful!

Netta Sekretarka wrote Sun 10/5/14 re last week's sports:

We not only have no cable or satellite here in the boondocks; we can't get
any Fox TV stations, either.  So for us, none  of the major league baseball
playoff games is on TV,  and neither will be the World Series.

Laurel, Kentucky's northernmost town,  in Franklin
County, near the Fayette County line,  just 11 miles
south of Connersville  in eastern Indiana, no longer
has a Holy Roller Rink.  Half a century ago a Pent-
ecostal church held meetings  on  Saturdays,  Sun-
days and Wednesday nights in the local roller ska-
ting rink;  but there is no longer a roller rink there
(a young lady we interviewed named Lisa,  work-
ing in the office at the local school,  said  she had
lived in Laurel all her life  and did not recall a rol-
ler rink there ever).

Louisville's Jennifer Lawrence ("J-Law") said people who looked
at nude celebrity photos posted by hackers committed "a sexual of-
fense."
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Hands On Originals, a T-shirt maker in Lexington, was found by the
Fayette Human Rights Commission to have  illegally  discriminated
against the local Gay and Lesbian Service Organization for refusing
(on grounds of Christianity) to make shirts for Lexington's 2012 Gay
Pride Festival.
                                                                                [courtesy WTVQ]

A northern Kentucky park with a recreation of Noah's Ark jeopard-
ized its $18 million in state business incentive tax credits  by  requi-
ring job applicants to provide salvation testimony and a creation be-
lief statement.
                                            [courtesy Cincinnati Business Courier]

Bible thumpers beat back a "fairness ordinance" in the liberal arts
college town of Berea.
                                                            [courtesy Richmond Register]

United States Senate nominee Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin Alison
Lundergan Grimes refused seven times in seven days to say wheth-
er she had voted for President Obama (her opponent, Senator Mitch
McConnell, admitted that he had voted for President Nixon).

                                                    [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Hottie of the week: Natalie Elliott

"Ain't that a bitch?  The vice president thing."
                                                                              – Joe Biden, to Harvard's student body v.p.

"We have no more control over our government than you have over the break of
 dawn."
                – Ed Kassig, father of Islamic State hostage Peter ("Abdul-Rahman") Kassig, to the IS

"Well, there really is some good data on that."
                                                                              – Dr. Phillip Bale, Glasgow, Ky. (whose mother,
                                                                                 obviously, did not know how to spell "Philip")
"The study will be published in the Lancet."
                                                                            – Patty Neighmond, National Public Radio

Quotations of the Wheat: "If you're hearing voices, the one not to listen to  is your own." – Leonard Simon

With further research we have managed to resconstruct the mileage notes stolen from us at Kroger (along with the week's tabloid headlines notes) in the third week of September – here they are, if anyone is interested (and we are confident that Mr. Porterfield will be)

Susan Alexandra ("Sigourney") Weaver, 65
Ellen Travolta, 74
Tony Kubek, 79
Dick Gregory, 82
Thor Heyerdahl (1914-2002)
Roland Garros (1888-1918)
Charles Jeanneret Le Corbusier (1887-1965)
Jerónimo Giménez y Bellido (1854-1923)
Jenny Lind (1820-1887)
Benito Jerónimo Feijóo y Montenegro (1676-1764)
King Wenceslaus III (the Murdered, not the Good; 1289-1306)

Sam Moore (of Sam and Dave), 79

A zoo in Sapporo, Japan, tried for two years to get two hy-
enas to mate until experts used hormone tests to  conclude
that both were males. . . . Ben Bernanke was turned down
trying to refinance his Washington home. . . . Pieces  of  a
toppled 8.5-meter Lenin statue – nose and mustache here,
an ear there – were on sale in Kharkiv in the Ukraine. . . .
Three armed men approached an armored car in Berlin on
walker and wheel chairs and  robbed  it. . . . The National
Institutes of Health awarded $466,642 for a study on why
obese teen-age girls can't get dates. . . .  Kim Jong-un was
reported to have broken his ankles  under his own weight.
.  .  .  Devils Lake High School  in  North Dakota  cracked
down on yoga pants and skinny jeans worn by girls  in  an
effort to keep boys focused on their studies. . . . A woman
in Glastonbury, Connecticut,  was accused of making 162
frivolous 911 calls in seven years,  including one to report
scratches on her CD's. .  .  . The county election board re-
ported that 3,287 new voters had registered  in Ferguson,
Missouri, then revised the figure to 128.

Arrested in Lubbock: Angel Marie Sanchez, 19, Violation of promise to appear; Danielle Rebecca Mata, 23, overdose of firewater, domestic assault; Aniceta Elosia Hernandez, 30, too much firewater; Felicia Ana Lopez, 29, criminal trespass (Lubbock County, Texas. Deterntion Center photos)

     

Martin Delaney Smithson, 42, retaliation, turning water into meth; Delwin Vankeith Majors, 48, driving while under influence of firewater; Trumaine Clay Williams, 30, general mobery, molestation of a kitten

A former University of Kentucky football player, cele-
brating a winning touchdown by his old team in its 45-
38 home victory over South Carolina, fell from the up-
per deck of the stadium, 35 feet to the lower deck, and
was in a coma in a hospital. . . .

A freshman defensive end for the University of Ken-
tucky football team was suspended for being charged
with first degree rape.

I am an 11-year-old boy and the youngest in my family.
My sister is 22 and married to a bully.   "Chris" is al-
ways mean to me when no one is watching.   He  pun-
ches and kicks me and shoves me into things. One time
he drove me to a friend's house and punched me in my
arm six times  in less than 10 minutes.     He  calls  me
names,  including  gay  slurs,  and makes fun of me for
being  small  and  having asthma.  He says he is trying
to toughen me up because I'm such a baby, and if I tell
anyone he will take it out on my sister.

I also feel really guilty because I find myself wishing
Chris would die in a car wreck or something. I know
that's wrong, but I can't help it.
                                                                Your Friend

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2014/09/25/5819841/annies-mailbox-brother-in-law.html#storylink=cpy

:

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 9/28/14 @10:28 PDT:

Which begs another question:  What do "they them-
selves"  (those  crazy  Muslim militants who started
the group)  call it?

Hope Annis Kind wrote Sun 9/28/14:

I have decided to change my name again.  Please delete
all instances of my former names in your archives.

The Editor wrote back Tues 9/30/14:

What were your former names?  We need to know in or-
der to delete them.

Honkin de Spain wrote back Thurs 10/2/14:

You dolt!  If I told you my former names, you'd just pub-
lish them again!

Lexington's most wanted: William Jones, WM, 23, 5'8", 125 lbs (Herald-Leader)

The Kenton County Airport Board chairman sued a secretary  who
recorded a conversation he butt-dialed to her, for wiretapping; and
his case, dismissed by a lower court, is now on appeal.

                                                                            [Associated Press]

The 2015 Corvette (manufactured in Bowling Green, Kentucky) was
partially recalled because its  "Valet  Mode,"  which can record con-
versations in the car when the owner is not in it, violates privacy law
in some states (including Kentucky).
                                                                         [courtesy USA Today]

A Louisville woman missing for two days was found alive  in  the
trunk of her daughter's parked car, by pedestrians who heard tap-
ping from inside  and threw a brick through the driver's side win-
dow to unlock the trunk from inside.
                                                                    [courtesy WDRB-TV]

"Bear at door."
                              – unidentified Canadian postal worker's explanation on a form as to
                                 why he could not deliver a pacakge in Vancouver, british Columbia

"Would this be considered 'boobs on the ground'?"

                                               – Eric Bolling, Fox News host, reporting on a female UAE
                                                  pilot engaged in air strikes against the Islamic State

Quotations of the Wheat: "The reason Jesus was not born is West Virginia is that they could  not find a virgin, let alone three wise men." – Leonard Simon

Kelly Ripa, 44
Gillian Welch, 47
Gordon Sumner ("Sting"), 63
Lech Wa³êsa, 71
Frankie Lymon (1942-1968)
Ernest Evans ("Chubby Checker"), 73
Jerry Lee Lewis, 79
Jill Corey, 79
Julie Andrews, 79
Johnny Mathis, 79
Anita Ekberg, 83
Elie Wiesel, 86
Jimmy Carter, 90
Mrs. Miller (1907-1997)
Jeronymo Francisco de Lima (1743-1822)
Geronimo Mercuriali (1530-1606)

Political protesters in Hong Kong cleaned up after them-
selves,  recycled discarded bottles and cans,  and left an
apology note (in English) on a damaged police car. . . . A
television comedy series in Iraq mocked the leader of the
Islamic State. . . .Lindsay Lohan forgot her lines in a play
in London. . . . A comedian scheduled to perform in Hert-
ford,  England,  mistakenly showed up  in  Hereford,  150
miles away. . . . Investigators found 40,000 pieces  of  un-
delivered  mail  in a New York postman's Brooklyn apart-
ment. . . .  A United Parcel Service employe  in  Phoenix,
Arizona, traded a stolen $160,000 diamond for a $20 bag
of marijuana. . . . Bidding began at $25,000  on the Texas
Gun Trader  web  site  for the rifle used by Charles Whit-
man to kill 16 persons  from the University of Texas clock
tower in 1966. .  .  . Five girls aged 11 to 17 were wound-
ed in a 1 a.m. shooting at a night club  in  Miami,  Florida.
. . . Paris Hilton ran up a $230,000 tab and left a $47,000
tip at a night club in New York. .  .  .  The state of Kansas
was auctioning seized  pornography  to fill a budget short-
fall. . . . Baristas at  the  Starbucks  CIA  were not writing
customers' names on their coffee cups. .  .  . Drag queens
shut out of Clutterbook Facebook for  not  going  by  real
names launched their own "social network.". . . Sarah Pa-
lin misaddressed the White House by two blocks. . . . The
three-tit bitch in Florida,  reported in last week's Tabloid
Headlines, was outed by Snopes.com as a hoax.

Game 1 (and game 6, "if necessary") of the National League
baseball "championship series" will be broadcast on the Fox
television network.   The  rest  of  the major league baseball
playoffs  – "wild card" games  in  both leagues,  "division se-
ries"  in  both leagues,  the American League "championship
series,"  and games 2, 3 and 4  (and 5,  "if necessary,"  and 7,
"if necessary") of the National League "championship series"
will not be on TV. . . .

Four University of Kentucky freshman football players  were
suspended for playing "manhunt" with Airsoft guns on campus
in Lexington.

This week's sports hottie is National Basketball Association referee Lauren Holtkamp

We were happy to see a vacant house on our block sell
and were pleased to meet the new neighbors. We were
willing to overlook the tobacco reek and cigarette butts
in our driveway.  Cat droppings in our flower and veg-
etable beds were harder to take.

But the real problem is that their teen-agers race up and
down the street at all hours and then park in front of our
house smoking and playing with their phones while rev-
ving their very loud engines,  setting our teeth  on  edge.
These folks have a two-car garage,  a  concrete parking
pad and a long driveway.  Why  are  they parking on the
street,  let alone in front of the neighbors?

We  wanted  to like these people,  but now we just wish
they would move out. Any suggestions?  Talking to them
didn't help.
                                                    Disappointed Neighbor

Celebrity lookalikes: Flora Stuart, Martina Hingis