Cocaine Toothache Drops: Instantaneous cure, price 15 cents, prepared by the Lloyd Manufacturing Co., 219 Hudson Ave., Albany, N.Y., for sale by all druggists, registered March 1985, see other ads

Keith Durbin wrote Mon 1/25/16 @07:20 CST:

That circumstance is some expensive shit.

Gary S. Logsdon wrote Sun 1/24/16 @10:24 CST:

Please advise your readers that I, an attorney in Edmonson
County, Kentucky,  do not endorse last week's quotation of
Gary  Logsdon,  Judge-Executive  of  Grayson  County,  to
whom I am related much  less  closely  than the "Wheat" is
to his unclaimed cousin Jay Frederick.  I voted for the other
Gary Logsdon's nemesis Barack Obama, not just once,  but
twice  (and I am looking forward to voting for Bernie!).

We know all these guys personally except Barack and Bernie, and
yet another Gary Logsdon from Edmonson County. The woods are
full . . . .    – Editor


and he wrote Mon 1/25/16 @07:21 CST re the Shayna Hubers case:

I am curious about the claim that a felon was on a jury.   A
few years ago there was a felon on a grand jury in Warren
County, and I believe the indictments were quashed.  Your
thoughts?

Our legal/editorial thought is that Shayna Hubers' motion is moot:  A
felon on the jury favors the defendant.  Jury of her peers? She's a fel-
on (or, so, was found to be), and thus he was her peer.  Better for her
that all the jurors had been felons.   – Ed.

Tori Schadene Hostetler,  21,   of Monrovia,  a  passenger  in  a sto- len car in Henry County,  was  ar- rested,  handcuffed  and placed in the rear seat of  a  sheriff's  patrol car  but managed to drive off in it, wreck it and flee on foot (she was recaptured). . . .

A  driving  instructor  was killed near Lafayette  when  his
car, with a 16-year-old student at the wheel, was rear-end-
ed by a pickup truck driven by a 24-year-old man "texting"
on a cell phone. . . .

A bill to allow police to withhold  "body camera"  video
was passed by the state House of Representatives, 65-30,
with only Republicans voting for it. . . .

A 67-year-old woman crossing the road to get her mail in
Warsaw was struck and killed by a police car driven by a
patrolman on his way to work. . . .

A coyote was trapped in a vestibule at a Kohl's department
store in Valparaiso.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Destiny Lovin, WF, 5'4", 140 lbs, escape (she wasn't lovin' bein' in jail); Shawn Miller, WM, 6'2", 155 lbs, escape (they wouldn't let him keep a soul patch in jail); Andrea Hill, WF, 5'3", 140 lbs, burglary (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Paul Edward Burton, WM, uttering and publishing a stiletto soul patch

Lexington's suspect of the week: This man was photographed using a Wal-Mart gift card that had been stolen from a Christmas card in the mail (Herald-Leader)

The  essay  of a 17-year-old Lexington student arguing
that a hot dog is not a sandwich was posted on a come-
dy podcast. . . .

Bears reported seen at a dog park in Lexington probably
were  Angus  calves  reported missing by a neighboring
farmer, the mayor said.
                                                            [Herald-Leader]

Celebrity lookalikes update: Kim Davis, Dick Cheney, Mike Huckabee lets hair grow in solidarity with Kentucky county clerk, Kentucky Clerk Update, finally, a definitive sign from God Almighty, The Excess Democrat, Friday, September 18, 2015, $1.25, Image of Christ appears in clerk's shroud of hair, tests dated to medieval period (Don Asmussen, "Bad Reporter")

"Excuse me, Miss – is that dandruff on your shoes?  Are you from Poland?"
                                                                                                                            – Lance Farrell

" . . .  thence . . . to a set iron pin at a 15" White Oak on the South side of a branch of Brier Creek;
 . . . thence with . . . the meanders of the creek the following calls, S67°44'25"W62.34 feet; . . .
 thence continuing down Brier Creek with Brooks, the following calls, S81°50'39"W89.54 feet;
 thence S79°17'28"W38.10 feet; thence . . . S72°47'35"W 108.42' to a point in the creek at the
 intersection of a spring, . . . ."
                                                             – Robert K. Wheeler, surveyor, Bowling Green, Ky.

"Two of three Southern California jail escapees were recaptured yesterday.  The third
 was rearrested Friday."
                                            – Giles Snider, National Public Radio news (uh, er, putting one
                                               little word after another, and, isn't that backward?  Wasn't it
                                               the first rearrested Friday, the second and third yesterday?)

"Where, physically, are the law enforcement authorities?"
                                                                                                 – Steve Inskeep, NPR

"As the clock winded toward 4 p.m. . . . "
                                                                          – Joseph Gerth, Louisville Courier-Journal

" . . . based on the poem by Samuel Coleridge Taylor . . . ."

            – Andrea Blain, classical Music Through the Night disk jockey, Minnesota Public Radio

"Exactly."
                      –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "Electronic cigarettes?  You might as well suck a tit through a flannel shirt,   hadn't you?" – Leonard Simon

January 25:  "Sleepy" John Estes (1899-1977), "rocker"
                                        
                    January 26:   Ellen DeGeneres, 58
                                          Huey "Piano" Smith, 82
                                          Bob Uecker, 82
                    January 27:   Margo Timmins, 55
                    January 28:   Sarah McLachlan, 48, "folk singer"
                                         Alan Alda, 80
                                        
                    January 29:   Germaine Greer, 77
                    January 30:   Diva Zappa, 37
                                          Dick Cheney, 75
                                          Eleanor Smeal, 77
                                          Vanessa Redgrave, 79
                                          Gene Hackman, 86
                    January 31:   Richard Gephardt, 75

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Silberio Camaco, HM, 68, 5' 5", 150 lbs, indecency with a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Fifty-seven people died after the temperature dropped
to 39° F. in subtropical Taipei, Taiwan. . . .In a "Kind-
ness (bullying) Workshop"  at West Allegheny Middle
School in Imperial, Pennsylvania,  eighth-grade pupils
were asked whether they were gay, what their religion
was and what their family's financial status was. . . . A
Danish city mandated pork on school and day care cen-
ter menus. . . . A 10-year-old Muslim boy was reported
to police by teachers for writing in an essay that he liv-
ed in a "terrorist" house  (he did not know how to spell
"terraced"). . . .  Pope Jorge called the internet  a  "gift
from God." . . . Papa John's pizza was sued in Madison
County,  Illinois,  for overcharging a delivery customer
by 16 cents in sales tax. . . . A heavy snow was predic-
ted for Iowa Monday night (but perhaps not before mid-
night).
                                                   [courtesy Harper's, AP]

Fianlists in the 2016 Upside Down Ears Contest: James White, Georgia Tech; Gregory Scott Warren Jr., Benton Harbor, Michigan; Cam Newton, defending champion

I've been married for 10 years.  Four years ago, while wait-
ing for our divorce to be finalized, I decided I'd start dating
on line; and I suggested to my wife that she do the same. We
were still friends; so I didn't think it was crossing any boun-
daries.

My dating efforts got peculiar results.  All six women I con-
nected with either stood me up or made excuses  as  to  why
they couldn't or wouldn't meet me in person.   Out of frustra-
tion I began dating my wife, and we canceled the divorce.

About a year after we got back together,  my  wife  confessed
that the women I had reached out to on line all were fictitious
persons she had constructed with the intent of  exhausting  my
search.  It worked.

Now we are filing for divorce again, and I'm worried she may
do the same thing again.  What can I do?
                                                                            Southern Guy

Publius Leget wrote Sun 1/17/16 @10:13 CST re "Lexington's
most wanted":

Hey,  "Shannon McCreadie, . . . bad hair day,"  "Stacy Pra-
ter, . . . bad beard day," etc.:  Are you guys making this up?

Sorry – the perps (and the pittures) are real – but the Lexington
Herald-Leader and the Fayette County Sheriff  have quit telling
us what these people are wanted  for – so we've been having to
guess.    – Editor

Pharmacists could require a prescription from customers buying
medicines containing a key ingredient for making methampheta-
mine under a compromise bill in the Indiana House  (i.e., let the
providers curb their sales if they have conscientious suspicions).
Rep. Ben Smaltz (R-Auburn) had wanted to  require  a prescrip-
tion for all sales of pseudoephedrine,  found in many cold medi-
cines.  Indiana led the nation in meth lab seizures the  last  three
years. . . .

Indianapolis firemen used a 30-foot rope to pull a kayaker to shore
who had stepped or fallen into the icy White River.

                                                           [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Approximately 413,000 turkeys and chickens  –  about 62 per cent
of them turkeys, and most of them innocent – were executed at ten
farms in Dubois County where bird flu was found.
                                                                                 [courtesy WFIU]

     

South Bend's most wanted: Jill Mathia, WF, 5'8", 115 lbs, possession of controlled substance (& firewater); Antonesha Brown, BF, 5'3", 220 lbs, traffic violator, overweight (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Buce Todd Miles, BM, larceny from a motor vehicle; Lori Lynette Burlingame, WF, retail fraud; Gregory Scott Warren Jr., BM, absconding parole, upside down ears; Lloyd Savalas-Kavar Brown, BM, kidnapping

"Stun" lines where as many as 10,000 hogs a day are electrocuted
would be replaced by a Ferris wheel-like machine to carry the an-
imals into  a  suffocation  room  under a plan announced by Louis-
ville's JBS Swift plant, cited again last year for inhumane slaugh-
ter, in the Butchertown neighborhood. . . .

A convict who became a woman 10 years ago but  was  paroled
last year to an all-male halfway house in Louisville sued the op-
erators for being raped there.
                                                          [courtesy Courier-Journal]

    =

     

                                                                    [courtesy the Herald-Leader]

"I'm not black, and I'm not Obama."
                                                                – Grayson County, Kentucky, Judge-Executive Gary
                                                                   Logsdon, explaining to a high school student why
                                                                   he would not support an anti-smoking ordinance

"In June the federal Office of Personnel Management announced that hackers had gained access
 to the personal records of millions of current and former government employees  but downplay-
 ed the seriousness of the data breach,  stressing,  'If anybody publishes any photos allegedly de-
 picting an alleged Cabinet secretary  with an alleged goat,  those  are  fake  (and it was totally a
 consenting goat)'."
                                    – Dave Barry, "The Year in Review"

"That's fine; that's all right."
                                                – Paul Scotney,  of Sports Integrity Services,  upon being
                                                   thanked by the host at the conclusion of a radio interview

" . . . thence along the lines of the Childress Farm (Dbk.147 Pages 185,187,189,192) S00°025'41"W
 269.85' to an existing iron pin; thence S04°11'41"E 448.92' to an existing iron pin; thence S77°49'
 46"W 426.38' to an existing iron pin in the centerline of an old road bed;  thence  with  the mean-
 ders of the road bed the following calls, S01°24'20"W 11.82';  thence S31°04'50"E21.45';  thence
 S52°08'43"E 44.98'; thence S53°48'26"E 119.81';  thence S71°1'01"E177.28';  thence S49°5'33"E
 92.03';  thence  S24°49'04"E 72.12';  thence  S07°54'58"W 133.49';  thence  S12°07'55"E 123.14';
 thence  S05°53'10"W  69.98';  thence  S08°05'02"E  48.82';  thence  S25°04'14"E  31.34';  thence
 S23°11'46"E 132.03';  thence  S29°06'0I"E 120.13'  to an  existing  iron  pin  at the intersection of
 another road bed; thence with the meanders of said road bed, N45°41'38"E98.59'; thence . . . "

                                                                           – Robert K. Wheeler, surveyor, Bowling Green, Ky.

"That's right. . . . Exactly. . . . That's exactly right."
                                                                                    –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "Independent laboratory tests of DNA have proved conclusively that the Wheat is   no relation at all to his first cousin Jay Frederick." – Leonard Simon

A Frenchman in his 20's who participated in a pain drug
trial died after side effects left him brain dead. . . .A 41-
year-old Englishman claims to have sired  800  children
with sperm sold on Clutterbook Facebook. .  .  .  Border
patrol agents in Texas found 2,493 pounds of marijuana
in 2,817 hollow fake carrots  in a commercial shipment.
.  .  .  A day care teacher in Woodbridge,  Virginia,  was
convicted of running a 1-year-olds' "baby fight club.". . .
A dentist in Lake Orion, Michigan, was sued by former
employees for forcing "contemporary" Christmas music
and prayers on them. . . . A  911  operator  in  Broward
County, Florida, was accused of missing an emergency
call while she was using another line to order pizza for
herself and co-workers for lunch. . . . A  naked  woman
was arrested for throwing plates at customers at a Waf-
fle House in Kennesaw,  Georgia. . . . Univision bought
the Onion. . . . A 21-year-old woman left a house party
in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, after a fight, wearing only a
tank top and shorts, in minus-5-degree temperature, and
later was found frozen to death. . . . A 29-year-old man
was sentenced to 263 years in prison in Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma (he'll be eligible for parole after 197 years?).
. . . The ghost of John Wayne endorsed Donald Strump.

                     [courtesy Harper's, the Frisky, Raw Story]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): James McCollough, WM, 41, 6'3", 270 lbs, failure to register as sex offender (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

I met my husband in college.  He was outgoing, handsome
and a star athlete.  We now have two beautiful babies and,
I thought, a perfect marriage.

A  month  ago  we had dinner with a couple we've known
for years.  One of them said something about "bisexuals,"
and I replied, "There is no such thing.  You are either gay
or straight."  Everyone looked uncomfortable.

The next day my husband told me he is bisexual.  He said
he'd had a relationship  with  another  man  in college  be-
fore he met me.  But he said I had nothing to worry about
because he loves me and has no desire to be with anyone
else, of either sex.

I wish he'd never told me.  I've been upset ever since.  I be-
lieve my husband  when he says he is not interested in any-
one else;  but I have  to  ask,  is there really such a thing as
"bisexual"? My sister says that is just what people claim be-
fore they come out as gay. And, second, how can I trust my
husband when he kept this secret from me for so long?

Please don't suggest counseling.   My husband says there is
nothing to "change" about him, although he says he will go
if I insist.  But what if we go and then,  just  like  my  sister
says,  this bisexual stuff  is  all  bogus  and he decides he is
gay?  I don't want to end our marriage;  I just want to turn
back the clock so I can think of my husband the way I did
before.
                                                                     Confused Wife         

                         

Drop Dead, Ted (N.Y. Daily News)

Dave Surtees of Hollyweird wrote Sun 1/10/16 @07:12 PST re last
week's birthdays column:

January 8:  You left out Elvis, and Freb Cood.  Oops?

Nah, everyone knows that!  We needed new blood, like Kim Young'n',
and diamond jubileers, like Little Anthony.    – Editor


STEPHEN YATES wrote Sun 1/10/16 @13:58 CST re the Natalia
Abrams interview:

OMG!  So, like, is "so" taking over for "like"?

We have not done the linguistic research, but it seems to us that
the faddish use of "so" is a pseudointellectual adaptation  of  the
Valley girl locution "like."   It appears, in both instances,  to be a
manifestation of thinking out loud.    – Ed.

Forty-one birds and reptiles were killed in a barn fire at
Wildlife in Need.
                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

South Bend's most wanted: Qunitra Herron, BM, 5'4:, 160 lbs, escape; Amanda Brock, WF, 5'6", 120 lbs, possession of cocaine (and firewater); Shatori Hood, BF, 5'3", 125 lbs, neglect of a dependent (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Berrien County, Michigan's: Denise Lee Mark, WF, home invasion; Lannie Neal Turner, WM, home invasion; Adrian Harold Pounders, WM, 47, wearing a T-shirt proclaiming 'Don't Meth With Me,' was arrested at his home in Crockett, Texas, for possession of methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia (Houstin Chronicle)

Holli Jo "Ho Jo" Bess, 44, died in Jeffersonville, survived
by aunts and friends but preceded in death by her parents
and her service dog, Maxamillion.

                                               [Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Brown-Forman Corp. of Louisville sold its Southern Com-
fort liqueur brand to the Sazerac Co.,  of New Orleans  (and  a
bit of a correction here:  We previously identified the "Sazerac
Co."  as situated in Frankfort,  Kentucky;  but it is the Buffalo
Trace Distillery Inc., of Frankfort, that does business as Sazer-
ac for the Louisiana firm.  And a Sazerac Brands LLC lists its
principal office in Louisville, Kentucky.  Go figure.).

                                                    [courtesy Wall Street Journal]

A man arrested for murder in Lexington two years ago but dis-
charged when found incompetent to stand trial  was  rearrested
after the hospital discharged him as cured of his psychosis. . . .

State Representative  John  "Bam"  Carney  (R-Campbellsville)
introduced a bill to prohibit posting photos of dangerous events,
such as traffic accidents,  on the internet  for an hour after they
occurred,  then withdrew the bill as a "mission accomplished."

                                                                              [Herald-Leader]

                                      

Lexington's most wanted: Shannon McCreadie, WF, 45, 5'1", 100 lbs, bad hair day; Stacy Prater, WM, 38, 5'8", 160 lbs, bad beard day (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Suspect of the week: Jarqueze Omar Burton, BM, 20, 5'8", 170 lbs, burglary, bad credit card

"Jesus Fucking Christ . . . . Trump should deport Nikki Haley."
                                                                                                        – Ann Coulter, on Twitter

Alabama won the national college football championship in a comeback against Clemson
triggered by a successful "one-side kick."
                                                                                – Shay Stevens, Natiional Public Radio


"Many people have a stereotype that there's something about Christianity and science that
 don't mix. .  .  .  Might 'stereotype threat' explain data that shows that Christians are often
 outperformed in science by non-Christians?"
                                                                                –   Shankar Vedantam (emphasis added)


"Commencing  at  an existing capped iron pin #2508  in the South R/W of Union Light Church
 Road,  lying  approximately  15'  from  centerline  at the intersection of a farm road  that  runs
 through the Childress Farm,  approximately  1800'  in  a  Westerly direction  from the intersec-
 tion of Union Light Road; thence leaving Union Light Church Road along the meanders of the
 farm road the following calls, S 58° 27' 59" W 49.67'; thence S 62° 59' 09" W 59.93';  thence S
 43° 58' 27" W 207.41'; thence S 27° 21' 25" W 51.19'; thence S 20° 41' 20" W 63 .29'; thence S
 36° 14' 41" W 29.85'; thence  S 49° 37' 32" W 36.70'; thence S 64° 28' 42" W 86.44';  thence  S
 55° 58' 27" W 26.30';  thence S 47° 25' 05" W 59.06' to an existing iron pin, the POINT OF BE-
 GINNING for this description;  thence . . . ."
                                                                                 – Robert K. Wheeler, surveyor, Bowling Green, Ky.

"Exactly. . . . That's right. . . . That's exactly right."
                                                                                        –   Shankar Vedantam

"I love my mother more than my dad."
                                                                   – Jub Bosh

Quotations of the Wheat: "Alcohol:  Helping ugly people have sex since the beginning of time." – Leonard Simon

, 69
                Dan Haggerty, 74
                Monte Irvin, 96
                Juwana "Tattoo" Jones, 47
                Paul Sue Martin, 76 (a boy named Sue?  Nope!  A girl named Paul!)
                Ringo Star Whitworth, 49
                                                                            [Courier-Journal]

Wheaton, a Christian college west of Chicago in Illinois,
began termination proceedings  against a woman profes-
sor who wore a hijab in solidarity with  Muslim  women.
. . . A 21-year-old IS (ISIS, ISIL) fighter killed his moth-
er for apostasy,  on group orders,  outside  a  Syrian post
office, in front of hundreds of spectators. . . . Mario Ru-
bicon donned a pair of high-heeled boots. . . .Canada de-
nied an African-American's asylum request. .  .  . Geolo-
gists posited that the world has entered its first new  ep-
och since the end of the  Ice  Age  11,700 years ago. . . .
A South Korean invented a robot drinking buddy. . . .  A
bad "kit" gene was blamed for Hitler mustaches on black
and white cats ("kitlers"). . . . "Real Housewife" Brandi
Glanville was brought down by a hoverboard.

                                        [courtesy Harper's, the Frisky]

David Ziskowski and Meg Ohara left her name in the guest book of a South Florida art gallery before stealing about $6,000 worth of jewelry (these are mug shots)

See headlines and "quotations of the weak."

My wife and I are recently married and moved to a new
town a year ago.  Our  neighbor  is  an art professor at a
community college.  He  is  a  kind  gentleman,  and  we
spend a fair amount of time together,  having each other
over for dinners, cookouts, etc.

Last summer he asked my wife to would work as a mod-
el for two of his drawing classes.  He has trouble finding
models during the day,  and she is a homemaker.   She a-
greed.  Well,  she  recently  brought home one of the stu-
dents' sketches,  and I was shocked  to  see  that she had
posed in the nude.   She said she'd assumed I knew what
models do for college art classes,  but I was  really  upset.
She said she enjoys the work and would like to keep it.

Now I find myself uncomfortable when the three of us get
together, knowing he sees her naked on a regular basis.  If
the class were taught by a stranger, I would have less of a
problem with it.  He has asked her back for next semester,
and I'd like her to say no. She says that I am unreasonably
jealous.  Is she right?
                                                                              Confused

:

Carole Otis wrote Sun 1/3/16 @09:53 CST:

I know it was just a test to see if we are reading the articles:
The owner of the gun shop is Carrie  Lightfoot,  not  Carrie
Lightwood.

Jay Cory wrote Mon 1/4/16 @08:12 EST:

The problem with a blood test for HIV  is that it isn't complete-
ly accurate.  If someone has been exposed he will test negative
until the body produces enough HIV antibodies  to  detect;  but
the virus is  viable  and  can  be  transmitted.  This  unfortunate
(and very disturbing) little tidbit of information is on one of the
forms you read and sign when you donate blood. The 12-month
waiting period is to make the HIV blood test more accurate.

OK, so, then, uh, er, do we administer a "lie detector" test with the blood
test?    – Editor

State Senator Ron Alting, of Lafayette,  prodded by school-
children who said it would be embarrassing if  Indiana  was
the last of four states not having state insects to  name  one,
pledged to make the firefly the state (lightning) bug. . . .

Butler University  and the University of Evansville  banned
hoverboards from campus, and Indiana and Purdue univers-
ties banned them from residence halls (see also). . . .

A 12-year-old boy from Portage donated the right temporal
lobe of his brain to science.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A state representative from Seymour introduced a bill to e-
liminate marriage licenses altogether.

                                                 [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Krystle Rose Carpenter, WF, larceny from a person; Shalom Marie Kibby, WF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Roshell Rena Beaty, BF, assault on a police officer (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Two Louisville malls were requiring children under 18  to  be
accompanied by adults after 4 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays af-
ter disturbances involving unruly juveniles.   Security  guards
were instructed to "card" anyone appearing to be under 25.

                                               [courtesy WLKY, BizPac review]

Judge Stevens jailed a white man for calling him a punk ass nig-
ger in court.
                                                                   [courtesy Rolling Out]

The city of Ashland had no candidates for mayor  or  city  com-
missioner with a January 26  filing  deadline  approaching,  and
the Democrats had no candidate for Senator  against Rand Paul,
who is running for re-election as well as for President (deadline
the same). . . .

Hoverboards were banned at the University of  Kentucky  (see
also). . . .

Twenty-eight bottles of Pappy Van Winkle bourbon  stolen last
April will be destroyed instead of auctioned (or returned to the
distillery?).
                                           [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

     

Kimberly Wilder, 50, was arrested for public intoxication after she showed up at the Laurel County Jail, in London, to bail out a relative (WTVQ)

Dakota Meyer, the Medal of Honor Winner from Columbia,
Kentucky,  filed suit  in  Alaska  for joint custody of Bristol
Palin's latest bastard  (and for child support).

                              [courtesy London (England) Daily Mail]

Lexington's most wanted: Donte Mundy, BM, 30, 5'8", 240 lbs, Schweddy balls; Blair Smith, WF, 31, 5'7", 140 lbs, blow job failure; Kwanty Christian, BM, 22, 5'7", 165 lbs, soliciting Blair Smith (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

"Neither the runs nor constipation
 Can justify this litigation. . . ."
                                                    – Franklin County Common Pleas Judge David E. Cain, an-
                                                       nouncing his decision, entirely in verse, in Columbus, Ohi-
                                                       o, denying a prisoner's lawsuit over denial of use of a toilet


"We went to a dictionary on line, typed in 'www,' and got 'TMI'."
                                                                                                                – Editor

"Me and Chris will be playing Bottesini's second concerto, in B minor."

                                                                – Andrew Downs, on National Public Radio's From the Top

In an interview on National Public Radio's Here & Now program, Natalia Abrams, executive di-
rector of StudentDebtCrisis.org, began five of her seven answers with the word "So,"  and began
six more sentences in those answers with the word "So" (the hostess, Robin Young, began one of
the questions with the word "So" and used the word "so" four other times in her questions).

"Exactly. . . . That's exactly right. . . . That's exactly right."
                                                                                                    –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat: "Suck, Mary Beth, suck!  (A blow job is a figure of speech)." – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                    January 4:  Andy Borowitz, 58
                                       Patty Loveless, 59
                                       Mahavishnu John McLaughlin, "rock guitarist," 74
                                       Maureen Reagan, 75
                    January 5:  Jane Wyman (1917-2007)
                                       Elizabeth Cotten (1895-1987)
                                       Constanze Mozart (1762-1842)
                    January 6:  Nancy Lopez, 59
                                       Joan of Arc (1412-1431)
                    January 7:  Rand Paul, 53
                                       Katie Couric, 59
                                       Geronimo Baqueiro Foster (1898-1967)
                    January 8:  Kim Yong-un, 32
                                       Jerome "Little" Anthony Gourdine, 75
                    January 9:  Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, 34
                                       Joan Baez, 75
                                       Richard Nixon (1913-1994)
                  January 10: 

Al-Shabaab used footage of  Donald  Strump  in a re-
cruitment video. .  .  . Strump and Pope Jorge tied for
third in a Gallup poll for most admired person  (Hil-
lary Clinton and President Obama tied for first!) . . .
Gisela Mota Ocampo was assassianted one day after
being sworn in as Temixco, Mexico, mayor. . . .A sur-
vey found that Americans prioritize preserving Chris-
tians' religious freedom over Muslims' (duh!). . . .The
town of San Vitaliano,  Italy,  banned wood-fired piz-
za ovens to fight air pollution. . . . A  Brit  in  Kyrgyz-
stan was arrested on suspicion of  racial  hatred  after
he suggested a local sausage was horse penis. .  .  .  A
priest in the Philippines  was  suspended  for  riding a
hoverboard in a Christmas Eve mass. . . . Firemen res-
cued a pigeon trapped in a tree in Auckland, New Zea-
land. . . . A 900-pound elephant seal snarled traffic for
days trying to cross a highway  in  northern  California.
.  .  .  The temperature rose above freezing at the North
Pole. . . . A Danish member of parliament was blocked
trying  to post a photo of the naked Little Mermaid sta-
tue on Clutterbook Facebook. . . . Donald Strump jump-
ed the shark on Tez Crud's Canadian birth. . . . Alabama
Chief Justice Roy Moore jumped the shark on same-sex
marriage.
                                          [courtesy Harper's, NYTimes]

The media jumped all over a North Carolinian  who mis-
took the "Crimson Tide"  for the nickname of Auburn U-
niversity's athletic teams instead of Alabama's on the TV
quiz show Jeopardy (guess he's not a Steely Dan fan,  ei-
ther). . . .

The first National Football League playoff game – yester-
day's "wild card" game between the Houston Texans  and
the Kansas City Chiefs  at Houston – was  on  TV (ABC)
and cable/satellite (ESPN) both!  And here's the schedule
for the "divisional" playoffs next weekend:  Cincinnati or
Houston or Kansas City at New England,   Minnesota  or
Washington  or Green Bay  at  Arizona,  Seattle or Green
Bay or Washington at Carolina, and Pittsburgh or Kansas
City or Houston at Denver. And that's why you can't find
a tournament "bracket" on line  or in your newspaper:   It
takes a slide rule. . . .

The San Diego Chargers, the "St. Louis" "Rams" and the
Oakland Raiders all sought permission from the NFL  to
relocate to Los Angeles.

My husband went to Florida three months ago to care for
an ailing former lover.  He told me she will be  leaving  a
sizable  inheritance  to  him  and  he needs to protect her
from "vultures."

I'm a bit suspicious of his motives. He has now suggested
that we get a temporary divorce  so that he can marry her
in order to get her entire estate!   He  says  it will be noth-
ing more than a business arrangement.

Our marriage has been rocky at times,  I have never seen
this side of him. I don’t know whether to believe him and
be simply disappointed at his callous attitude or conclude
that he really wants a divorce so he can marry her.

                                                Heartsick in South Carolina

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Audrey Davis, WF, 44, 5'5", 120 lbs, theft (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

                                    

Sheila Wright wrote Sun 12/27/15 @08:39 EST:

Please unsubscribe me from all you emails.

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks,  and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines  or  you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)    – Editor

Fake $100 bills marked  "MOTION PICTURE USE
ONLY" were circulating in Georgetown.

                        [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

The "GPS Is Wrong" sign outside the offices of Borf
Books in Edmonson County, Kentucky,  has a prece-
dent in England: A driver for Dachser Intelligent Lo-
gistics ran his semitrailer,  directed by "Sat Nav,"  in-
to a house in a narrow alley in Ashton;  and it wasn't
the first such accident: The town already had placed
a sign at the approach to the alley,  "Do  Not  Follow
SAT  NAV  Next  Left."

                             [courtesy Manchester Evening News]
 

"It is a significant gift to arm the people you love."

                    – Carrie Lightwood, owner of Arizona's Well-Armed Women gun "acces-
                       sories" supplier, celebrating an increase in gun sales for Christmas

"So, . . . ," at the beginning of a sentence,  led the annual Lake Superior State University
 List of Words Banished from the Queen's English.  "Problematic" came in a close third.

"That's right. . . .  That's right. . . ."
                                                             –   Shankar Vedantam
" . . . and I'm Giles Snider."

Quotations of the Wheat: "I cannot begin to tell you how very, very disappointed I am in  Bill Cosby.  Neither I,  nor anyone I know,  ever,  ever gave a  woman anything – beer,  wine,  liquor,  aspirin in a Coke,  co-  caine, speed, crack, Quaaludes ("disco biscuits"),  Ecstasy,  o-  pium,  heroin,  sleeping pills,  anything – to try to get into her  pants." – Leonard Simon

                  
                    January 3:  Eli Manning, 35

Flooding was so severe in Great Britain the government
ran out of  "Road  Closed"  signs,  as  crocodiles  swam
through a town in Australia's Northern Territory. . . . . A
100-meter recreational slide made out of  ice  melted  in
Moscow. . . A Putin perfume went on sale in Russia. . . .
Police called to investigate a gas leak  in  Waldkraiburg,
Bavaria,  found a neighbor  cooking  sauerkraut. . . . An
82-year-old woman called police  in  Brown Deer,  Wis-
consin, to report a couple having sex and chanting "ISIS
is good, ISIS is great!" . . . A  computer   glitch  was be-
lieved to have released more than 3,000 prisoners early
over 13 years in the state of Washington. . . .  A British
astronaut calling home for Christmas apologized to the
wrong-number recipient whom he had asked,  "Hello?
Is this Planet Earth?" . . .  A  monkey  hijacked a bus in
Uttar Pradesh, India,  and crashed it into two other bus-
es. . . . A thousand joints were donated to the homeless
in Denver,  Colorado,  on Christmas Eve. . . .  Dept. of
Unenforceable Regulations:  The  US  Food  and  Drug
Administration  ruled  that  gay  men  now  can  donate
blood  if they have not had sexual relations with a man
in the previous 12 months  (how 'bout  just a blood test
for HIV and hepatitis, huh, folks?).

                                                [courtesy Harper's, AP]

In  the  words  of  politicians  giving up their quests  for  the
Presidency against impossible odds,  the Cleveland Browns,
eliminated from contention  in the National Football League
playoffs,  have  "suspended"  their quest for the 2016  Super
Bowl championship.

I am one of six sisters,  all adults, with children.  One of us
lives in New Jersey and the others,  in Florida,  three of us
in the same city.  My sister  "Claire"  lives two hours away.
Three years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She
has come through five surgeries  and rounds of chemo.  She
is now cancer-free.

Four of us did  whatever  we  could  to  help Claire during this
time.   Two of my sisters  worked  remotely  so they could help
with her medical appointments.  Even my sister in New Jersey
offered to stay with Claire. Only one sister, "Pam," never help-
ed and,  in  fact,  never even acknowledged the cancer or wish-
ed Claire a speedy recovery.

The problem now is that
Four of us now are empty-nesters  and  have  been vacationing
together once or twice a year for more than a decade. But fam-
ily isn't only for the good times.  If a person cannot care about
her sister when she is ill, then I don't think she should be inclu-
ded when we go on vacations. We stay in time-shares, which I
own.  I don't invite Pam on these vacations,  but  another sister
does;  and I can't uninvite Pam without creating a rift.

The choice is out of my control. I would appreciate advice from
a disinterested party.
                                                                            Sibling Dilemma

The funnies:
                         -
                           

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from