April 24, 2016:   Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:


R.I.PURPLE! (Enquirer); New album planned, Procul Harum renounces terrorism (Al Jazeera branch of Tabloid Headlines)
R.I.PURPLE! (Enquirer); New album planned, Procul Harum renounces terrorism (Al Jazeera branch of Tabloid Headlines)
                                    

Unisex names of the week: 
Paul, Sue.


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Abigail Guthrie was pulled over by the cops in Bloomington
on her 17th birthday and  given  a  ticket – to a Justin Bieber
concert  (her parents sorta arranged it).

                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Dianna Donovan, WF, a/k/a Dianna Krull, 5'", 160 lbs, failure to return to lawful detention; Berrien County Michican's: Gloria Jean Wills, BF, failure to comply with reporting duties; Lateasha Nile Bridgeman, BF, identity theft; Kaneisha Shaneiqua Wofford, BF, unauthorized use of motor vehicles (she has a bit of a new look from her last appearance in these pages, April 13, 2014) (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Dianna Donovan, WF, a/k/a Dianna Krull, 5'", 160 lbs, failure to return to lawful detention; Berrien County Michican's: Gloria Jean Wills, BF, failure to comply with reporting duties; Lateasha Nile Bridgeman, BF, identity theft; Kaneisha Shaneiqua Wofford, BF, unauthorized use of motor vehicles (she has a bit of a new look from her last appearance in these pages, April 13, 2014) (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
The chairman of the Knox County School Board, not a legiti-
mate high school graduate, resigned after a teacher admitted
he had taken the GED test for him.
                                                                [courtesy Fox News]

The College Station bar and night club in Richmond, near Ea-
stern Kentucky University,  was cited for (1) serving alcohol-
ic beverage to 109 minors,  (2) employing a 16-year-old bar-
tender,  and (3) not having a license. . . .

A pickup truck collided with six other vehicles (all seven go-
ing the same direction)  on a state highway in Madison Coun-
ty.
                                       [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Jefferson County (Louisville) Family Court became a "no hit"
zone (whatever that means).
                                                      [courtesy Courier-Journal]

      Lexington's most wanted: Samantha Lowery, WF, 24, 5'3", 146 lbs, "chomp, chomp" (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)    Wanted in Waco (Texas): Laci Marie Donaldson, 30, 5'0", 125 lbs, forgery against an elderly individual (Waco Crimer Stoppers)
Lexington's most wanted: Samantha Lowery, WF, 24, 5'3", 146 lbs, "chomp, chomp" (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Wanted in Waco (Texas): Laci Marie Donaldson, 30, 5'0", 125 lbs, forgery against an elderly individual (Waco Crimer Stoppers)

Quotations of the week:
"Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially
 increase, not decrease, the potential for sexual misconduct."

                    – Charles Storey, officer of Harvard's all male Porcellian Club (whose members inclu-
                       ded Theodore Roosevelt and Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.), in response to criticism by
                       the university of organizations that will not admit members of the opposite sex


Quotations of the weak
(give a teen-age girl a "smart phone" . . . ):
"I got caught up in the likes."
                                                 Marina Lonina, 18, of New Albany, Ohio, High School, explaining
                                                    why she couldn't quit and call the police as she videoed the rape of
                                                    a 17-year-old friend and live-streamed the whole thing using "Twit-
                                                    ter's" "Perpiscope" (Periscope, Perviscope?)
"Smart phone" "app"

"This is somewhat of a difficult argument to make, though . . . ."

                                      – Tamara Keith, National Public Radio News, on the campaign trail . . .

                                         Try "a somewhat difficult argument," honey – or, "something of a difficult
                                         argument."  Adjectives do not precede prepositional phrases.  – Editor

Quotations of the Wheat:
"Going bald just gives me more face."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Fresh Squeezed IPA.


Birthdays:
                   
April 18:  Ali Khamenei, 77
                    April 19:  Genya Ravan, 76
                    April 20:  John Paul Stevens, 96 (maybe that's who Obama should have nominated)
                    April 21:  Queen Elizabeth II, 90
                    April 22:  Jack Nicholson, 79
                                     Queen Isabella (1451-1504)
                    April 23:  Michael Moore, 62
                                     Bernadette Devlin, 69
                                     Roy Orbison (1936-1988)
                    April 24Kelly Clarkson, 34
                                     Cedrick the Entertainer, 52
Deaths:
                Antonin Scalia, 79
                Prince Rogers Nelson, later known as Prince, then formerly known as, then again as, 57
                Ronald Dean "RD" Robertson, 77
                Ruth A. Ruth, 81
                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Celebrity lookalikes: Fred Dean, DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, about 1960; Paul McCartney, 1964
Celebrity lookalikes: Fred Dean, DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, about 1960; Paul McCartney, 1964


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 21-year-old mother came home from work in Wichita, Kansas,
to find her 2-year-old unable to breathe, an octopus wedged in his
throat  (her 36-year-old boy friend,  who was giving the boy CPR,
was arrested on suspicion of child abuse). . . .  Bernie Sanders a-
voided being snubbed by the Pope at the Vatican.  .  .  . The  Pope
brought 12 Syrian Muslim refugees home with him  from  Lesbos.
. . . The Czech Republic (once part of Czechoslovakia) proposed
changing its name to Czechia
. . . . The courts of Wales prohibited
a woman's naming her daughter Cyanide,  which she chose for its
contribution to the death of Hitler ( but the little girl's twin broth-
er got away with the name Preacher"). .  .  . Residents of Anchor-
age, Alaska, complained about a drone peering through their win-
dows. . . . Residents  of  an Irish coastal town were using a photo
of Donald Trump to scare off Sammy the road-crossing seal.

                                                             
[courtesy Harper's, JAEL]

Let's help the Czechs pick a new name (a Tabloid Headlines poll
– please vote, early and often).  Here are some suggestions:

        Czechia (their tentative choice – but, it sounds a little wimpy, don't ya think?),
        Czechnia (stronger, but it sounds a bit like Chechnya, an identity they're wisely trying to avoid),
        Czechmate (clever, but it would suffer in the translation),
        Czechpoint,
        Czecholada (this is Polish for chocolate – might not work so well in the neighborhood),
        Cz-cz-cz-BOOGIE!

The sports:
Softball hotties (courtesy Edmonson (County, Kentucky) News) 
Softball hotties (courtesy Edmonson (County, Kentucky) News)

Dear Eleanor:
My  husband,  before  we  met,  had a son by a woman married to
another man.  They agreed to let her husband raise the boy as if it
were his.

We have a daughter together two years younger than the boy.  Both
will be going to the same middle school next year.  Our daughter is
very sociable and likes meeting new people.   I'm afraid she'll meet
her brother and be attracted to him.

Do I say something now,  or wait and hope my worst fear does not
become reality?
                                                                                Keeping a Secret
Dear Keepy:
                        Uh, er, your "worst fear" is that your daughter will meet
                        her brother and like him?

                        My  God,  Dingbat,  you have received a  golden  surprise
                        opportunity to tell your daughter she has a brother  and to
                        introduce them! Wait for the girl to meet the boy and men-
                        tion him at home some day.  Then  suggest  that she invite
                        the new friends she has met at school to a special party at
                        your house. Invite all the parents, too, indicating that there
                        will be a "special announcement." And, at the appropriate
                        moment, spring the news!

                        Of course, if it turns out the little turd is a jerk whose sight
                        your daughter can only abominate, you can keep your little
                        secret.  You win both ways.


Unopened e-mail last week included messages  from  "fgdean@aol.com"
        titled "Taking over," "Best sensory overload," "have you seen this?"
        and "How did this happen?" (we peeked at a couple of them in our
        "webmail" preview  and saw the message  "Not able to display full
        message. You can view it by clicking here" (link deleted).



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include 
Elissa Nadworny.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 17, 2016:   Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:


Anorexia crisis, Angelina Jolie down to 79 lbs (Enquirer); William & Kate named King & Queen, her majesty banished Charles and Camilla over love child scandal (Globe); McCaulay Culkin in heroin rehab (Enquirer)
Anorexia crisis, Angelina Jolie down to 79 lbs (Enquirer); William & Kate named King & Queen, her majesty banished Charles and Camilla over love child scandal (Globe); McCaulay Culkin in heroin rehab (Enquirer)

                                    

Unisex name of the week:  Max.


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Indiana's two U.S. Senators, Dan Coats (R) and Joe Donnel-
ly (D), asked the federal government publishing office to re-
fer to the state's residents  as  "Hoosiers,"  not  "Indianans"
(and,  gee!  We did not get a squiggly red line under either
of those terms). . . .

Tessa Embry,  14,  5' 7", 175 lbs.,  a catcher for her school
soft-ball team in Evansville,  was classified as "obese" by
the "body mass index"; and she wasn't taking it lightly. . . .

A Muslim student at Indiana University - Purdue University
Indianapolis (IUPUI, pronounced "Oo-ie Poo-ie") was bran-
ded a terrorist for her involvement with Students for Justice
in Palestine.
                                              [courtesy
Columbus Republic]

South Bend's most wanted: Richard Becerra Jr., WM, 6'0", 160 lbs, attempt to acquire a legend drug; Christine Emery, WF, 5'1", 160 lbs, defrauding a financial institutiion; Shaquile Ellis, BM, a/k/a "Savage," 6'3", 190 lbs, violation of a court order (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers)
South Bend's most wanted: Richard Becerra Jr., WM, 6'0", 160 lbs, attempt to acquire a legend drug; Christine Emery, WF, 5'1", 160 lbs, defrauding a financial institutiion; Shaquile Ellis, BM, a/k/a "Savage," 6'3", 190 lbs, violation of a court order (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:.
Three children were found locked in their rooms by police en-
ering a mobile home in Richmond on a "welfare check,"  and
their intoxicated 27-year-old mother was arrested. . . .

A state court jury in Lexington awarded  $5.3  million  to  eight
black employes for UPS for a hostile work environment, which
included hanging a  driver  in  effigy  in a company building for
four days to demonstrate the recommended "three points of con-
tact" in using a ladder.
                                         
[courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

A Presbyterian church in Louisville planned Friday night beer
sales
in a year-long festival celebrating is 100th anniversary.

                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week
:

"I'm voting for Donald Trump, . . . but I'm not joining the campaign in any way . . . ."
                                                                                                                                            – Rudolph Giulani

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                            "That's exactly right. . . .  That's right."
                                                                                                                                –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat:
"Since I got those false teeth, I been grinnin' like a jackass eatin' sawbriers."
– Leonard Simon



Funny beer brands:  Evil Octopus.


Birthdays:
                   
April 11:  Ethel Kennedy, 88
                                     Donna Rachele Mussolini (1890-1979)
                    April 12:  Vince Gill, 59
                                     David Letterman, 69
                                     Hebert Henry "Dally" Messenger (1883-1959)
                    April 13:  Nellie McKay, 34
                                     Al Green, 70
                    April 14:  Greg Maddux, 50
                                     Julie Christie, 75
                                     Pete Rose, 75
                                     Loretta Lynn, 86 (she says 84)
                    April 15:  Nikita Krushchev (1894-1971)
                    April 16:  Lara Dutta, 38
                                     Pope Benedict, 89
                    April 17:  Victoria Beckham ("Posh Spice"), 42
                                     Norman Julius "Boomer" Esiason, 55
                                     Señor Wences (1896-1999)

Deaths:
                Antonin Scalia, 79
                George David "Bruddy" Dahl Sr., 72
                Amanthus Davis, 77
                Gary "Gravy" Green, 42
                Cutchins Hammon, 60
                Clint McClintic, 45
               
John Oliver "Poppy" Schuster,  78  (this obituary ran every day from March 13 through April 16;
                    only on April 11 did it move to the "Yesterday's Obituaries" section, and only on April 13 did
                    it move to the "Obituaries from the Past Three Days" section)
                Victoria "Vicky" Wilburn, 42
                
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
wild  pig  raided a campground in Australia and drank
three six packs of the campers' beer before being chased
into a river by a cow.  . . . China blocked internet search-
es for "Panama." . . .
Governor Bill Haslam veoted a bill
that would have made the Bible "the official book of Ten-
nessee."
. . . Lindsay Lohan, soon to be 30, was said to be
engaged to a 22-year-old Russian heir.


                                                 [courtesy Harper's, Frisky]



Celebrity lookalikes: Jenny Keller, 44, last week's most wanted in Lexington, Ky.; Geddy Lee, bassist and vocalist for the Canadiana rock band Rush           Wanted in Waco: Ambra Landrum, BF, 23, 4'11", 120 lbs, theft (Waco Crime Stoppers)
Celebrity lookalikes: Jenny Keller, 44, last week's most wanted in Lexington, Ky.; Geddy Lee, bassist and vocalist for the Canadiana rock band Rush Wanted in Waco: Ambra Landrum, BF, 23, 4'11", 120 lbs, theft (Waco Crime Stoppers)

Dear Eleanor:
I've been going to the same dentist for years,  and I'm always satis-
fied with his work.  But he has recently begun  to  talk  politics  as
he works on my teeth.  He's entitled to his opinions, but I shouldn't
have to listen to them with his hand in my mouth. He doesn't know
it, but I'm politically active with an opposite party.

His conversation grates on my nerves  and raises my blood pressure,
but I don't know how to tell him I find his comments unprofessional.
If I change dentists,  I might find someone who wants to convert me
to "born again" Christianity, especially in this area of the country.

Should I discuss it with him  and  hope  he doesn't start withholding
anesthetic?
                                                                      Open Wide in Virginia

Dear Patience:
                            Just be glad you don't go to my dentist, who is stuck in
                            the '70's with Tony Orlando & Dawn.  That's all I hear
                            on his PA system when I get my teeth cleaned.

                            What  you  could  do is tell the jerk,  when he extracts
                            the drill from your mouth, "I voted for Donald Trump"
                            (or Bernie Sanders,  whomever)  "and I'll do it again if
                            you  don't  shut  up!"  If he cuts off the laughing gas,  I
                            know a bunch of students  at  VMI  who  will  resupply
                            you,  at very reasonable prices.



Unopened e-mail last week included messages titled "Auto Response"  from "Phil Kavesh," "Vener," "Garre,"
        "Ezra,"  "Karen,"  "Susan Kolmer,"
"Susie Plewinski," "Angie," "Hopwood Lisha," "Lozo,"  "Johniikins
        Tempest," "Schowengerdt," "Wakayama," "Lola," "Herbie," "Glenice," "Hofmann," "Mandy," "Archam-
        beault Cassian,"  "Kiara,"  "Aletha Gosset," "Herbie Mackenzie,"  "Roslyn,"  "Gabe,"  "Kristin Shillito,"
        "Bueckers,"
"Nikeisha," "Kat Matterson," "Carissa," "Lavena," "Benion," "Lita" and "Deacon,"  to none
        of whom we had sent any e-mail.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include 
Kiradech  Aphi-
bar nrat
.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 10, 2016:   Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:


Princess Grace was mudered, Moncao car crash was no accident (Examiner); Furious wife confronts cheating Cruz (Enquirer); The story of Jesus (National Geographic)
Princess Grace was mudered, Moncao car crash was no accident (Examiner); Furious wife confronts cheating Cruz (Enquirer); The story of Jesus (National Geographic)
                                    

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Jeanetta wrote Mon 4/4/16 @ 09:24 CDT:
I have some suggestions regarding the  loitery  bench
at the Cee Bee Food Store in Brownsville, Kentucky:

  • Repair the bench –
  • Move the bench –
  • Get rid of the bench –
  • Get a new bench.

Unisex name of the week: 
Maria.


Dumb news from Indiana
:
A state trooper was fired after a second incident of proselytizing a mo-
torist he had pulled over.
                                                                                    [courtesy WCPO]

One of 36 infants cared for by one worker died at Miracles and Bless-
ings
Daycare in Indianapolis.
                                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]
              South Bend's most wanted: Michael Baker, WM, 5'11", 185 lbs, theft; Rebekah Traver, WF, 5'8", 140 lbs, forgery; Timothy McDonald, WM, 6'0", 180 lbs, theft; Satia Snowden, BF, 5'6", 135 lbs, cocaine (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Raquel Nichols, WF, 5'2", 145 lbs, meth; Rowena Anderson, BF, 5'9", 155 lbs, habitual offender; Berrien County Michigan's: Carl Ray Morris Jr., WM, larceny in a building; Brandy Rashonda Haulcomb, W(!)F, larceny in a building; Michael John Ford IV, WM, criminal sexual conduct
South Bend's most wanted: Michael Baker, WM, 5'11", 185 lbs, theft; Rebekah Traver, WF, 5'8", 140 lbs, forgery; Timothy McDonald, WM, 6'0", 180 lbs, theft; Satia Snowden, BF, 5'6", 135 lbs, cocaine (Michiana Crime Stoppers); Raquel Nichols, WF, 5'2", 145 lbs, meth; Rowena Anderson, BF, 5'9", 155 lbs, habitual offender; Berrien County Michigan's: Carl Ray Morris Jr., WM, larceny in a building; Brandy Rashonda Haulcomb, W(!)F, larceny in a building; Michael John Ford IV, WM, criminal sexual conduct

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Attorney General was threatening to sue the Governor.

                                                            [courtesy WKYU-FM]

Lexington's most wanted: Jenny Keller, 44, manufacturing meth; unidentified informant; Daniel Yeager, WM, 30, 5'11", 200 lbs, turned in by the woman on his right; Brenda Delgado, 33, on FBI's ten most wanted list, for murder (pulled kicking and screaming from the Hereald-Leader)
Lexington's most wanted: Jenny Keller, 44, manufacturing meth; unidentified informant; Daniel Yeager, WM, 30, 5'11", 200 lbs, turned in by the woman on his right; Brenda Delgado, 33, on FBI's ten most wanted list, for murder (pulled kicking and screaming from the Hereald-Leader)

Quotation of the week:
                                       "I would not be studying history."
                                                                                                – Kentucky Lieutenant Governor "Jenean" Hampton


Quotations of the weak
(give anyone a microphone, and . . . ):

                                                                                                        "It really impacted me a lot."
                                                                                                                                                            Matt Sherman

                                                                                                        "Thanks for faving me."
                                                                                                                                                    Aleix Martinez

Quotations repeated every week:

"Exactly. . . . . That's exactly what the research is finding."
                                                                                                      –
  
Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat:
"I'd just as soon have the clap as a dog, and I've had the clap."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Velvet Merlin.


Birthdays:
                   
April 4:  Jamie Lynn Spears, 25
                                   Hugh Masekela, 77
                    April 5:  Agnetha Fältskög, 66
                                   Colin Powell, 79
                                   Nguyen Van Thieu (1923-2001)
                                   Josephine Owaissa Cottle ("Gale Storm," 1922-2009)
                    April 6:  Merle Haggard, 79
                                   André Previn, 87
                    April 7:  Janis Ian, 65
                                   Bobby Bare, 81
                                   Daniel Ellsberg, 85
                    April 8:  Julian Lennon, 53
                                   Peggy Lennon, 75
                    April 9:  Ireneusz Jelen, 35
                                   Jerko Leko, 36
                                   Paul Krassner, 84
                                   Tom Lehrer, 88
                                   Hugh Hefner, 90
                    April 10:  Paul Theroux, 75
                                     John Madden, 80
                                     Balthazar Huydecoper (1695-1778)

Deaths:
                Gato Barbieri, 83
                Antonin Scalia
, 79
                Merle Haggard, 79
                Mildred C. "Millie" Miller Federspiel, 89
                Frances Herron Graybeal, 75
                Zackary "Zack" Martinez, 25
                Larry Pitzel, 87
                Queen Ann "Queenie" Raley, 51
                John Oliver "Poppy" Schuster, 78 (this obituary has run every day since March 13)
                Jo "Annie Poo" Spurgeon, 59
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Laura Freeman, WF, 45, 5'7", 125 lbs, Coke, firewater; Taylor Evan Ratto, WM, 31, 5'8", 165 lbs, assault, family violence, burglary of a vehicle, violation of a protective order, debit card abuse, fraud; Michelle Ballard, WF, 23, 5'0", 100 lbs, meth manufacture and delivery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Laura Freeman, WF, 45, 5'7", 125 lbs, Coke, firewater; Taylor Evan Ratto, WM, 31, 5'8", 165 lbs, assault, family violence, burglary of a vehicle, violation of a protective order, debit card abuse, fraud; Michelle Ballard, WF, 23, 5'0", 100 lbs, meth manufacture and delivery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A woman was charged with child neglect  in  Whitwell,
Tennessee, for making her two daughters walk 3½ miles
to school for missing the bus – and for driving without a
license,  as  she  accompanied them on the highway  (the
family dog walked with the girls). . . .  A hospital anaes-
thesia nurse in Piombino, Italy, was arrested on 13 char-
ges of murder. . . . A  hospital  nurse  in Syracuse,  New
York,  lost her license for photographing an unconscious
patient's penis and sending the photo to co-workers. . . .
A sinkhole in a pond in China was said to have swallow-
ed 25 tons of fish. . . . A bill introduced in New Jersey's
legislature would make texting while walking  a jailable
offense.  . . .  A man drove six miles in Palm City,  Flori-
da,  with  his  wife on the roof of the car,  screaming  and
beating. . . . An amusement park in Devon, England,  pro-
hibited screaming on the roller coaster.  . . .  An 18-year-
old Ohioan who posed as a state senator  pleaded  guilty
to impersonating a peace officer.  . . .  A  Saudi  Arabian
was arrested for flying a  rainbow  flag  above his home.
.  .  .
An Indonesian pop star stepped on a cobra she was
sharing a stage with;  it bit her,  and she died 45 minutes
later.  .  .  .  A Colorado man admitted buying a motel so
that he could spy on couples having sex, through holes in
rooms' ceilings that looked like air vents, which his wife
helped him cut. . . . Steve Miller trashed the Rock & Roll
Halll of Fame.
                                                    [courtesy Harper's, AP]


Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) Darrell L. Duncan, WM, 53, 5'5", 130 lbs, parking on a private lot; Ashley N. Ussery, WF, 23, 5'1", 165 lbs, petty theft, resisting arrest; Brittany A. Hough, a/k/a Brittany Richman, WF, 26, 5'6", 145 lbs, sale of sexual relations, petty theft; Rodney D. Boyles, a/k/a Rodney Baylor, WM, 35, 6'0", 210 lbs, petty theft, rude physical contact (City of Wichita)
James B. Poncin, a/k/a James P. Boncin, WM, 26, 5'11", 148 lbs, permitting animal to run at large and bite; Bondderick E. Sanders, a/k/a Stack G, BM, 21, 6'0", 190 lbs, criminal damage to property; LaDonna A. Frischenmeyer, a/ki/a LaDonna Hodgin, WF, 50, 5'4", 160 lbs, failure to report to pretrial services, 2nd offense; Jirika J. Freeman, a/k/a Jirika J. Franklin, 37, 6'0", 170 lbs, hallucinogens, petty theft; Randal L. Potts, WM, 22, 5'10", 160 lbs, domestic battery, bodily harm, unlawful restraint, possession of drug paraphernalia and hallucinogens
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) Darrell L. Duncan, WM, 53, 5'5", 130 lbs, parking on a private lot; Ashley N. Ussery, WF, 23, 5'1", 165 lbs, petty theft, resisting arrest; Brittany A. Hough, a/k/a Brittany Richman, WF, 26, 5'6", 145 lbs, sale of sexual relations, petty theft; Rodney D. Boyles, a/k/a Rodney Baylor, WM, 35, 6'0", 210 lbs, petty theft, rude physical contact (City of Wichita); James B. Poncin, a/k/a James P. Boncin, WM, 26, 5'11", 148 lbs, permitting animal to run at large and bite; Bondderick E. Sanders, a/k/a Stack G, BM, 21, 6'0", 190 lbs, criminal damage to property; LaDonna A. Frischenmeyer, a/ki/a LaDonna Hodgin, WF, 50, 5'4", 160 lbs, failure to report to pretrial services, 2nd offense; Jirika J. Freeman, a/k/a Jirika J. Franklin, 37, 6'0", 170 lbs, hallucinogens, petty theft; Randal L. Potts, WM, 22, 5'10", 160 lbs, domestic battery, bodily harm, unlawful restraint, possession of drug paraphernalia and hallucinogens

The sports:

Tyler  Summit,  son of the legendary University of Tennessee
women's basketball coach Pat Summit, resigned as women's
basketball coach at Louisiana Tech  over  an  "inappropriate
relationship
." . . .

And now the sixth season winner of "The Voice," Josh Kauf-
man
,  will replace Jim Nabors at this year's 500-Mile Race
in Indianapolis. . . .

Google would not show the schedule for the NCAA Wom-
en's NCAA basketball tournament. . . .

Abby Wambach was arrested for DUI in Portland, Oregon.
Dear Eleanor:
I'm a "catfisher."  I use a fake Clutterbook account with pictures
of an attractive woman to attract men. I target married and com-
mitted men.  I flirt with them on line to  see  how  far  they'll  go.
They often ask me for more pictures and invite me to meet them
somewhere for sex.  I never give real information or meet them.


My question is,  should I let the women these men are involved
with know that their men are unfaithful,  or keep it to myself?

                                                                            Georgia Karma
Dear Kara:
                        In the first place,  give the men more.  Really entrap
                        those sons of bitches.  If you have already sent them
                        pittures of the porn star Koochie McDoochie  show-
                        ing her  twat,  send them pittures of Koochie's sister
                        Hoochie doing the family dog.  Then  let the sons of
                        bitches' women know – with all the pittures!

                        And, just for fun, take it up on one of these offers to
                        meet.  It will enhance your credibility  (don't  forget
                        your "selfie" phone).


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "support@rosco.net"
        titled "throat make billy boy stronger CRYING."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Angela Evancie.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



April 3, 2016:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
the week's headlines
:


It's over for pervy Ted, Cruz's 5 secret mistresses (Enquirer); Charles and Camilla's secret son emerges, born out of wedlock, in 1966, prior to Charles' marriage to Diana, Australian, and new heir to throne (Globe)
It's over for pervy Ted, Cruz's 5 secret mistresses (Enquirer); Charles and Camilla's secret son emerges, born out of wedlock, in 1966, prior to Charles' marriage to Diana, Australian, and new heir to throne (Globe)
                                    
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Stephen Yates wrote Sun 3/27/16 @ 12:02 CDT:
That Li'l Marcey in last week's Wanted in Wichi-
ta has that "fresh fucked" look.

Jeanetta wrote Sun 3/27/16 @15:43 CDT:
All those black basketball boys with orange flip-
flop and stand-up dreadlocks  –  is that the "new
Buckwheat do?"

Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/27/16 @09:20 CDT:
OK.  Troy Goins' bobcat.  Is it alive or dead in
the photo?  Did he shoot it, or trap it,  or catch
it
with his bare hands?

Unisex name of the week:   Sam
.


Dumb news from Indiana:
The statue of Tadeusz Kosciuszko stolen from a park in East Chi-
cago
was restored by a sculptor.
                                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Marshall County's most wanted: David Wayne Martin, WM, 5'10", 170 lbs, theft; Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Decorey Monte Harris Jr., BM, retail fraud; Nykeisha Lashay Buchanan, BF, assault w/a dangerous weapon; John David Harrell, WM, assault by strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Marshall County's most wanted: David Wayne Martin, WM, 5'10", 170 lbs, theft; Most wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Decorey Monte Harris Jr., BM, retail fraud; Nykeisha Lashay Buchanan, BF, assault w/a dangerous weapon; John David Harrell, WM, assault by strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
Three protesters sued Donald Trump and others for being as-
saulted at a Trump for President rally in Louisville on March
1 (they have filed criminal charges also). . . .

Jefferson County Circuit Court Judge Olu Stevens of Louis-
ville sued the state Judicial Conduct Commission in federal
court.
                                                                    [courtesy WDRB]

Lexington's most wanted: Daquise Jackson "Bucky", BM, 20, 5'11", 161 lbs, willful mobery; Jessica Spencer "Tatty", WF, 24, 5'2", 100 lbs, uninformed consent; Danteze Brown "Toothy", BM, 31, 5'9", 200 lbs, burglary (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Anjanette Halcomb, 35, on her way to jail for possession of marijuana, blew powdered heroin all over the inside of the patrol car

Lexington's most wanted: Daquise Jackson "Bucky", BM, 20, 5'11", 161 lbs, willful mobery; Jessica Spencer "Tatty", WF, 24, 5'2", 100 lbs, uninformed consent; Danteze Brown "Toothy", BM, 31, 5'9", 200 lbs, burglary (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Anjanette Halcomb, 35, on her way to jail for possession of marijuana, blew powdered heroin all over the inside of the patrol car
A state representative introduced a resolution in the Missouri legis-
lature to stop fellow lawmakers from saying "physical"  when they
mean "fiscal." (This is presented as dumb news from Kentucky be-
cause county governing bodies in Kentucky are  known
 as  "fiscal
courts"  –  where things get sometimes,  shall we say,  "beyond de-
bate" – and who, in Kentucky, would understand?)

                                                              [courtesy Riverfront Times]

News media all over Kentucky (including the Lexington Herald-
Leader and the Associated Press)  reported  that the General As-
sembly had passed a bill defining bullying in schools – but none
of them defined it. Here it is, in Senate Bill 228: "Unwanted ver-
bal, physical or social behavior among students that  involves  a
real or perceived power imbalance and is repeated or has the po-
tential  to  be  repeated  (1)  that  occurs  on school premises,  on
school-sponsored transportation,  or at a school-sponsored event,
or (2) that disrupts the education process."

 
Cee Bee Food Store

(Brownsville) Bench is broken - what if you can't read? (Tabloid Headlines photos)
Cee Bee Food Store (Brownsville) Bench is broken - what if you can't read? (Tabloid Headlines photos)


Quotation of the week:
                                           "Leave Heidi the hell alone!"
                                                                                                   
  Tez Crud

Quotation of the weak:
                                            "So, . . . .  So, . . . um, so . . . .  So, . . . .  So, . . . ; so . . . ."
                                             – Peter Marks, M.D., Ph.D.,  Deputy Director,  Center for Biologics
                                                Evaluation and Research, U.S. Food and Drug Administration
  (in
                                                a 3:44-minute interview on National Public Radio's All Things Con-
                                                sidered,  he began all answers but one  with  the  conjunction  "So",
                                                which means he began all sentences with the conjunction "So," since
                                                every answer consisted of only  one  long  sentence  –  and the inter-
                                                viewer, Kelly McEvers, began one of the questions with "So, . . . ).

Quotations repeated every week:

                                                          "That's exactly right."
                                                                                                – Rollie Renfrow
Quotations of the Wheat:
"When the going gets weird, the weird go professional."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Panty Peeler.


Birthdays:
                    March 28:  Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta ("Lady Gag-a"), 30
                                       Zbigniew Brzezinski, 88
                   
March 29:  Lucy Lawless, 48
                                       John McLaughlin, 89 (the PBS guy, not the musician)
                    March 30:  Norah Jones, 37
                                       Sabine Meyer, 57
                    March 31:  Shirley Jones, 82
                                       John D. Loudermilk, 82, "rock drummer"
                    April 1:  Rachel Maddow, 43
                                   Mary Frances "Debbie" Reynolds, 84
                    April 2:  Emmylou Harris, 69
                                   Charlemagne (742-814); Casanova (1725-1798)
                    April 3:  Jane Goodall, 82
                                   Doris Day, 92 (or 94)
Charlemagne (742-814); Casanova (1725-1798)

Deaths:
               
Dave Baker, 84
                Antonin Scalia, 79
                Patty Duke, 69
                Sheriee Davenport, 38
                Orpha McKnight, 93
                John Oliver "Poppy" Schuster, 78 (this obituary has run every day since March 13)
                Bobby Ray "Uncle Dick" Tallent, 76
                                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
France's state of emergency has allowed students to re-
sume smoking in schools. . . . Digital  tablets  were  set
up at historical sites  in Florence,  Italy,  to  discourage
graffiti. . . . Clutterbook Facebook sent a message to u-
sers all over the world asking, "Have you been affected
by the explosion?" without indication of what explosion
plosion  (it was the suicide bomb attack in Lahore, Pak-
istan). . . . A petition to allow carrying guns at  the  Re-
publican convention gained 24,000 signatures  on  line.
. . . A package of 300 live cockroaches was sent in the
mail to a man in Sweden to feed his snakes. . . . A  cat
was mailed 250 miles  in  England,  from  Cornwall  to
West Sussex,  in a box of DVD's. . . . Women  videoed
having sex with dogs were arrested in  South  Carolina
and Florida (the links will give you pittures of the wom-
en but not of the dogs). .  .  . Rhode Island's "Commerce
Corp. marketing director" resigned over a "tourism cam-
paign" for the state that drew laughs for using a film clip
from Iceland and a slogan of "cooler and warmer." . . .
George Mason University's School of Law was renamed
the
Antonin Scalia School Of Law (ASSOL).

                                   [courtesy Harper's, AP, J. Ewing]

Wanted in Waco: Candice Renee Lee, WF, 35, 4'9", 183 lbs, Meth (and firewater); Jasmine N. Williams, BF, 25, 5'6", 251 lbs, burglary; . . . in Wichita (Kansas, not          Wichita Falls, Texas - already arrested, actually): Jamie R. Bubeck, WF, 52, 5'4', 170 lbs: Willful criminal damage to property; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Tiffini Hickman, BF, 45, 5'11", 270 lbs, theft of service
Wanted in Waco: Candice Renee Lee, WF, 35, 4'9", 183 lbs, Meth (and firewater); Jasmine N. Williams, BF, 25, 5'6", 251 lbs, burglary; . . . in Wichita (Kansas, not          Wichita Falls, Texas - already arrested, actually): Jamie R. Bubeck, WF, 52, 5'4', 170 lbs: Willful criminal damage to property; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Tiffini Hickman, BF, 45, 5'11", 270 lbs, theft of service

The sports:
Five members of the United States women's soccer team filed a wage dis-
crimination
complaint against the U.S. Soccer Federation. . . .

The NCAA basketball "March Madness Final Four" basketball tournament
was not on TV. . . .
  Basketball hotties: University of Louisville's Myisha Hines-Allen maneuvers past De Paul's Jacqui Grant in women's NCAA basketball tournament (but DePaul ended Louisville's season, and, in a later game, was eliminated by Oregon State) (Courier-Journal photo by Pat McDonogh) 
Basketball hotties: University of Louisville's Myisha Hines-Allen maneuvers past De Paul's Jacqui Grant in women's NCAA basketball tournament (but DePaul ended Louisville's season, and, in a later game, was eliminated by Oregon State) (Courier-Journal photo by Pat McDonogh)



Dear Eleanor:
My sister and I have no interest in body piercing  (except
our ears),  but we have seen it on friends  and are not im-
pressed. Now our 44-year-old mother has got her nipples
pierced and has started wearing jewelry there!

Our parents are divorced,  and Mom's not in a relationship;
so it's probably not to impress a man. She says she did it to
feel good about herself!   She takes off her top to show her
friends (
female)  when they come over,  and  we  can  feel
them (not just see them) rolling their eyes.

And Mom has now started showing off her piercings to our
friends.  We are beyond embarrassed.  I suppose we should
be thankful that she hasn't pierced her most personal place,
like we've heard of some girls doing.  What can we do?

                                                              Humiliated in Houston
Dear Houters:
                            Here's  whatcha  do.  Fight fire with fire.   You  get
                            your lower left lip pierced  and hang a bauble.  Sis
                            gets her right nostril pierced and hangs a ring. Call
                            on Mom together, right after the surgery and deco-
                            ration:  "Hi, Mom!  How d'ya like it?!  Get Granny
                            and Auntie Amelia over, and let's all go out to din-
                            ner!"

                            If that doesn't bring Mom to tears, go a step further:
                            You go with the upper right eyelid, and Sis with the
                            big  toe  (she'll have to wear sandals).   And  so  on.
                            Step at a time.  If it goes to broke,  you and Sis can
                            draw  straws  or  odd- [wo]man  for  who  gets  her
                            "most personal place" pierced – but, whoever, hang
                            a die there.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Michelle"
        titled "No objections."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Tegan Wendland.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,
without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor