August 27, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:


Trump says sun equally to blame for blocking moon (Borowitz Report); OJ's threat as he's set free, 'You're next, Kris!' (Jenner, that is; National Enquirer); Obama daughters breakdown, drug binges, out-of-control partying & hookups (Enquirer); Angelina & Brad: the divorce is off (US Weekly); Jen breaks down over Brad (In Touch Weekly); Miranda gets even with Blake (Life & Style)
Trump says sun equally to blame for blocking moon (Borowitz Report); OJ's threat as he's set free, 'You're next, Kris!' (Jenner, that is; National Enquirer); Obama daughters breakdown, drug binges, out-of-control partying & hookups (Enquirer); Angelina & Brad: the divorce is off (US Weekly); Jen breaks down over Brad (In Touch Weekly); Miranda gets even with Blake (Life & Style)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
David Cooley wrote to the Editor of the Louisville Courier-Journal Fri 8/25/17:
The "sanitization" of history already happened. The Jim
Crow laws, the monuments and the film Birth of a Na-
tion all date to the early 1900's – to rewrite the history
of the Civil War and Reconstruction. . . .
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/20/17 @07:55 PDT:
Some call removing Confederate statues and monuments
from government property
a "fumigation" of history.

Publius Leget wrote Sunday 8/20/17 @10:33 CDT:
Why was that moronic utterance of the Ku Klux Klan
printed under  "Quotation of the week"  and not under
"Quotation of the weak"?
Unfortunately the KKK and its ilk are not weak.    – Editor


Etta Jane Darrig wrote Sunday 8/20/17 @10:34 CDT:
I just wanna get out of totality.  I don't care about
the word.  I'm overfuckingwhelmed.

Unisex name of the week:  Charles.


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Other state Republicans were not overly excited  about  Vice
President Mikey's brother Greg Pence's consideration of run-
ning for Congress.
                                                    [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

wilihail.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Willie Holmes, BM, 5'9", 250 lbs, indedent assault; Hailey Fowler, WF, 5'7", 120 lbs, theft forgery, decent assault; Berrien County, Michigan: Farries Deatos Maxwell, BM, assault w/dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers - from whom we are getting less information of late than from even the Lexington Herald-Leader)
wilihail.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Willie Holmes, BM, 5'9", 250 lbs, indedent assault; Hailey Fowler, WF, 5'7", 120 lbs, theft forgery, decent assault; Berrien County, Michigan: Farries Deatos Maxwell, BM, assault w/dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers - from whom we are getting less information of late than from even the Lexington Herald-Leader)

The Fort Wayne News-Sentinel was going all "digital." . . .

The Bloomington Park Board appropriated $35,000 to hire
sharpshooters
to cull the Griffy Lake nature preserve of up
to 100 deer.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
 zombie14.jpg
                                  Zombie Walk 2014
Nearly 40,000 people dressed as zombies were expected last
night at Louisville's annual Zombie Walk, as the sponsor de-
fended a trademark suit by an originator of  the  Zombie  At-
tack,  scheduled Tuesday.
                                                [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

A Danville, Ky., man who had won $2,000 in a  "free  money
giveaway" in the poker room at a casino in Cincinnati,  Ohio,
was kicked out because of a stain on his pants and an odor. . . .

A meth lab was found in an open window only 100 feet from
the Pooh and Pals day care playground in Powell County, and
fumes were wafting from the window to the wee ones. . . .

U.S. Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin led a delegation of
politicians,  including Senator Mitch McConnell,  to the first
public viewing of the gold vault at Fort Knox in 40 years. . . .

Louise Linton, Mnuchin's storefront wife, got into an Instant-
spam Instagram flap over the visit.
                                                                        [courtesy LEX18]
hydeclip.jpg
A 23-year-old woman watching the  total  solar  eclipse  on a
sidewalk in Hyden was struck and killed by a car that left the
street  (it has not yet been reported whether the motorist, too,
was watching the eclipse – and,  if  so,  whether out her win-
dow or on her cell phone).
                                                                      [courtesy WKYT]
Totaled Eclipse (thanks, Jan):
toteclip.jpg

shylacec.jpg Most wanted in Louisville: Shyla Lynae Moore, WF, 22,  5'5", 176 lbs, attempted assault 1°, wanton endangerment 1°, criminal mischief 1°; Cecilia Marie Morgan, BF, 30, 5'3", 140 lbs, wanton endangerment 1°, assault 1°, domestic violence, speeding 19 mph over limit; Charles Jason Masden, WM, 37, 6'0", 158 lbs, failure to comply with sex offender registration, possession of drug paraphernalia (Louisville M.P.D.)
shylacec.jpg Most wanted in Louisville: Shyla Lynae Moore, WF, 22,  5'5", 176 lbs, attempted assault 1°, wanton endangerment 1°, criminal mischief 1°; Cecilia Marie Morgan, BF, 30, 5'3", 140 lbs, wanton endangerment 1°, assault 1°, domestic violence, speeding 19 mph over limit; Charles Jason Masden, WM, 37, 6'0", 158 lbs, failure to comply with sex offender registration, possession of drug paraphernalia (Louisville M.P.D.)

Quotation of the week
:
                                            "The road is there to get you from one place to another, not to see signs along it."

                                                                        Paul Bergmann, director of Scenic Kentucky, which sued a state
                                                                           agency that granted tree-cutting rights to a billboard company

                                            "A true conservationist is a man who knows that the world is not given by his
                                              fathers but borrowed from his children."
                                                                                                                    – John James Audubon

Quotations of the weak:
                                            "We all made mistakes, but you made most of them."
                                                                                                                                        Hillary Clinton

        "As students, the use of corporal punishment scares us.  As Kentuckians, the use of corporal
          punishment embarrasses us."
                                                             Alex Jones, 13, speaking to the Kentucky General Assembly

           "It reminds me of Goldfinger."
                                                                   – Senator McConnell, holding a gold bar in his hands at Fort Knox

Quotations of the ignorant:
                                               
"The two things that they must get done in September is, . . . ."

                                                                  Susan Davis, National Public Radio Congressional correspondent

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"The sight of them whipping those horses in the Kentucky Derby is
  something I just can't bear."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Ballistic Blonde.

New buzz words that need circulation:  "mohem"

Birthdays:
                    August 21:  Usain Bolt, 31
                                        Amy Fisher, 43
                                        Kenny Rogers, 79
                   
August 22:  Carl Yastrzemski, 77
                                        Honor Blackman, 92
                    August 23:  Mark Russell, 85
                    August 24: 
Mason Williams, 79
                                       
Mike Huckabee, 62
                    August 25:  Regis Philbin, 86
                                        Sean Connery, 87
                                        Monty Hall, 96
                                        Ivan the Terrible (1530-1584)
                    August 26:  Macaulay Culkin, 37
                                        Will Shortz, 65
                    August 27:  Susan "Tuesday" Weld, 74
                                        Daryl Dragon, 75
                                        Ernie Broglio, 82
                                        George the Bearded (1471-1539)

Deaths:
                Bea Wain, 100
                Jerry Lewis, 91
                Lawrence "Turtle" Carter, 68
               
Zelma Mae "Toolie" Cecil, 93
               
Cherie M. (Ricketts) Rucker-Dodd Green, 60
               
Margie Lee Weakley Hood Woford, 82
                                                                                              [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Rank of "smart" among words that occur to U.S. voters when they think
of Donald Trump: 28; rank of "idiot": 1. . . . A  Florida  appellate  court
ruled  that a Miami judge  and
a lawyer on a case before her  who  were
Clutterbook  Facebook  "friends"  were not really friends  and the judge
did not have to recuse herself (it was not reported which had "friended"
whom). . . . Firefighters in southern England were  treated  to  sausages
made from piglets they rescued from a barn fire. . . . A take-out receipt
from a New York café identified an Asian customer as "Ching Chong."
.  .  . The U.S. Geological Survey warned Californians of an earthquake
that struck in 1925 (oops! software glitch). . . . A man with a cell phone
drove his motor scooter into a sinkhole in Beihai, China. . . . A believer
complained  about  Biblical  promotions  at a Florida high school.  .  .  .
Matt "Airistotle" Burns retained his title at the Air Guitar World Cham-
pionships in Finland.

                                             [courtesy LEX18, HuffPost, Raw Story, AP]
The sports:
Robert Lee, a sportscaster for ESPN scheduled to call the season-open-
ing
home football game of the University of Virginia,  against William
& Mary,  was pulled from the broadcast on account of his name  (Lee,
an Asian-American who speaks Mandarin Chinese as well as English,
is known also as Robert Li). . . .

Boone County High School, in northern Kentucky, was phasing out the
Confederate  general  uniform  of its decades-old athletic  mascot  "Mr.
Rebel
"  (but the name won't change!  The school's principal insists that
the mascot was named for the  James  Dean  movie  "Rebel  Without  a
Cause").
   dreyawnm.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Dreyawn D. Warren, BM, 5'9", 240 lbs, tattoo upper right arm, burglary; Mary Jean Fallot, WF, 57, 5'8", 200 lbs, a/k/a Sally Roper, one mean mama, forgery (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Austin Magruder, WM, 25, 6'0", 150 lbs, aggravated assault (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
dreyawnm.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Dreyawn D. Warren, BM, 5'9", 240 lbs, tattoo upper right arm, burglary; Mary Jean Fallot, WF, 57, 5'8", 200 lbs, a/k/a Sally Roper, one mean mama, forgery (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Austin Magruder, WM, 25, 6'0", 150 lbs, aggravated assault (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
kasticia.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Kasey Michelle Chappell, 31, brown hair & eyes, 130 lbs, 5'3", bond forfeiture, theft of property u/$1500 w/two or more previous; Leticia Ann Policastro, 39, black hair, brown eyes, 170 lbs, 5'1", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance pg1 o/1g u/4g
kasticia.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Kasey Michelle Chappell, 31, brown hair & eyes, 130 lbs, 5'3", bond forfeiture, theft of property u/$1500 w/two or more previous; Leticia Ann Policastro, 39, black hair, brown eyes, 170 lbs, 5'1", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance pg1 o/1g u/4g

Dear Annie:
This is in response to "Speak Up or Put Up,"  who  is  tired
of having friends bring out their " smart" phones while they
are all out to eat together. You said phones have no place on
the table during a meal – and you  should  have  left it there.
But you said it is acceptable when sharing photos of grand-
children. You have now given permission for cell phones to
be on the table  and  utilized  during every meal in America
henceforth.

Everyone already knows that just about no one wants to see
pictures of other people's grandchildren, but they won't say
so. You need to say it for them.  You  blew  it.  You need to
take this one back.
                                                                    Ed from Vermont

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from
"Alexis McNeil"
        titled "A Partnership Request."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include A. D. Carson, as-
sistant professor of hip-hop
at the University of Virginia.


lifearle.jpg Life Saver Dude: A "rocker"? What was Elvis? A hillbilly? L.A. Times crossword puzzle, 51D, " 'Guitar Town' rocker Steve": EARLE
lifearle.jpg Life Saver Dude: A "rocker"? What was Elvis? A hillbilly? L.A. Times crossword puzzle, 51D, " 'Guitar Town' rocker Steve": EARLE

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above,
without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines
or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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Brownsville KY 42210
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270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



August 20, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:


J. Edgar Hoover killed Kennedy, was about to be fired for blackmail, Lee Harvey Oswald was on his payroll (Enquirer); New special prosecutor to investigate, 53 Clinton enemies murdered (Globe); Lamar's Kardashian tell-all: Cocaine, cheating & lies (In Touch Weekly); Sean Spicer turns town Dancing with the Stars (Enquirer); William catches Camilla cheating, Queen orders Charles to divorce (Examiner)
J. Edgar Hoover killed Kennedy, was about to be fired for blackmail, Lee Harvey Oswald was on his payroll (Enquirer); New special prosecutor to investigate, 53 Clinton enemies murdered (Globe); Lamar's Kardashian tell-all: Cocaine, cheating & lies (In Touch Weekly); Sean Spicer turns town Dancing with the Stars (Enquirer); William catches Camilla cheating, Queen orders Charles to divorce (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Anthony Dean wrote Mon 8/14/17 @19:17 CDT:
Doctors don't have the tools (or maybe the will)
to determine if their patients are  really  in pain;
so they resort to prescribing
opioids  if their pa-
tients just say they are in pain.  The crisis could
probably be curtailed if we spent the money not
on arrest and conviction but on pain assessment
and treatment instead.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 8/13/17 @16:00 PDT:
Don't blame addicts for America's opioid crisis.
The real culprit is the pharmaceutical complex.
Selfies:
                "Self-absorbed":  A diaper that wets itself.
                "Self-aggrandizement":  A large collection of cell phone photographs.
                "Self-annihilation":  Suicide.
                "Self-apparent":  Appearing in one's own "selfie."
                "Self-checkout lane" (at the supermarket):  Do-it-yourself funeral arrangements sold here.
                "Self-employed":  Being used.
                "Self-esteem" ("self-centered"):  Egotism.
                "Self-help" ("self-serving"):  Hog at the trough.
                "Self-imposed":  Busybody.
                "Self-indulgent":  (See "self-made.")
                "Selfless":  A nonentity.
                "Self-made" ("self-satisfied"):  Masturbated.
                "Self-possessed
," "self-reliant," "self-sufficient":  Unmarried.
                "Self-storage":  Cryogenics.
                "Self-titled":  (a) A book that wrote itself, (b) a record album that pro-
                                       duced itself, (c) a nobleman who knighted himself.

Unisex name of the week: 
Vi.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The gay church organist who painted  "fag  church,"  "Heil
Trump"
and a swastika on the outside of his church in Bean-
blossom after last year's election was charged with "institu-
tional criminal mischief." . . .

A man shot his wife to death in Lafayette and  recorded  the
murder on his cell phone. . . .

A woman cut two other persons with a box knife  in a brawl
on the midway of the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis, and
two young persons were struck by a hit-and-run motorist. . . .

New Albany and Floyd County Schools will dismiss classes
15 minutes later than normal tomorrow to avoid sending pu-
pils home during solar eclipse viewing time. . . .

Clarksville, in the next county over (Clark),  will send pupils
home early to view the eclipse under parental supervision. . . .

A baby giraffe, Kita, was born at the Fort Wayne zoo weigh-
172 pounds (and 6' 1" tall).
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A  "Confederate  monument"  in Indianapolis marks the mass
grave of 1,616 Southern prisoners of war who died – some of
starvation – at Camp Morton.
                                                       [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

quincylo.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Quincy Henley, BM, 6'3", 240 lbs, escape; Lorenzo Lottie, BM, 5'7", 140 lbs, escape; Maxine Gilmore, BF, 5'5", 135 lbs, theft; Yasmine Shaquisha-Blonze Brooks, BF, domestic violance; Nicole Rae Washington, BF, larceny in a building; Nichole Nannette Kniebes, WF, uttering and publishing (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
quincylo.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Quincy Henley, BM, 6'3", 240 lbs, escape; Lorenzo Lottie, BM, 5'7", 140 lbs, escape; Maxine Gilmore, BF, 5'5", 135 lbs, theft; Yasmine Shaquisha-Blonze Brooks, BF, domestic violance; Nicole Rae Washington, BF, larceny in a building; Nichole Nannette Kniebes, WF, uttering and publishing (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentuckians for Coal planned to assemble in front of the Ken-
tucky New Era newspaper building in Hopkinsville just before
the solar eclipse to protest the sun.
                                                          [courtesy Digital Journal]

The Bank of Edmonson County in Brownsville planned to close
for 25 minutes Monday for the eclipse.
                                                                [T. Headlines exclusive]

A suburban Louisville policeman  posted a
"meme" on his Clutterbook Facebook page
with a photo of the car that ran  over  dem-
onstrators at Charlottesville, Virginia,  and
the  caption  "When you were born a Chal-
lenger but identify as a Ram" (and see . . . )

challram.jpg

Governor Selfie said
he disagreed with removing Confederate
statues and monuments from government property, calling it a
"sanitization of history." . . .

A woman bit into a hypodermic needle in a hamburger at a
McDonald's in Lexington, then pricked her finger on it. . . .

A lawn mower hit a gas regulator at a dormitory  at  Murray
State  University,  and  hours  later  the front of the building
blew up (not to worry about the students; it was summer va-
cation). . . .

A customer in Richmond paid for his gasoline with a wad of
bills and a bag of meth rolled up inside. . . .

A new underground coal mine was under construction in Mc-
Lean County, in western Kentucky.
                                                                     [courtesy LEX18]

aleathab.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Timothy Ballard, WM, 56, "featured fugitive of the week," sexual abuse; Fonsico Bates, BF, 59, 5'6", 120 lbs, trans pimp; David Caudill, WM, 35, 5'11", abetting Fonsico; Aleatha Wagers, WF, 30, 5'3", 145 lbs, Fonsico bait; Kevin Smith, WM, 34, 5'6", 145 lbs, juvenile mobery; Wanted in Waco, TX: Bennie Lee Miles, BM, 61, 6'1", 160 lbs, probation viol., felony DUI
aleathab.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Timothy Ballard, WM, 56, "featured fugitive of the week," sexual abuse; Fonsico Bates, BF, 59, 5'6", 120 lbs, trans pimp; David Caudill, WM, 35, 5'11", abetting Fonsico; Aleatha Wagers, WF, 30, 5'3", 145 lbs, Fonsico bait; Kevin Smith, WM, 34, 5'6", 145 lbs, juvenile mobery; Wanted in Waco, TX: Bennie Lee Miles, BM, 61, 6'1", 160 lbs, probation viol., felony DUI

For more dumb news from Kentucky, see Quotations of the Weak and Life Saver Dude.


Quotation of the week:
                                            "I'm sorta glad that them people got hit, and I'm glad that girl died."

                                                                  –
Justin Moore, Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan in North Carolina

"Re-tweet" of the week:                                           
                                          "Fake news can't stop the Trump
                                            train"  was  "inadvertently"  re-
                                            tweeted, then taken down (like-
                                            wise,  a tweet of a critic calling
                                            the President a fascist).
retrumpt.jpg

Quotations of the weak:
                                           "
Heather denounced any type of discrimination, not just racism. . . .  Just
                                             anything she felt like was wrong, she stood for.
"
                                                                                                                               – Courtney Commander
        "WKU Public  Radio  will bring you live coverage of the total solar e-
         clipse this Monday afternoon from the roof of the Academic Complex
         Building."
 
                           – various announcers at WKYU-FM radio, Western Kentucky University, Bowling Green, Ky.


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"He who hesitates masturbates."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Todd the Axe Man.

"There's an app for that!"  The solar eclipse timer.

Buzz words that need a nap:  "Totality."

Birthdays:
                    August 14:  Tim Tebow, 30
                                        Earvin "Magic" Johnson, 58
                                        Gary Larson, 67
                                       
Maddy Prior, 70
                                        Steve Martin, 72
                                        Darrell "Dash" Crofts, 79
                   
August 15:  Jennifer Lawrence, 27
                                        Princess Anne, 67
                                        Jimmy Webb, 71
                    August 16:  Rumer Willis, 29
                                        Madonna, 59
                                        Julie Newmar, 84
                                        Ann Blyth, 90
                    August 17:  V. S. Naipaul, 85
                                        Roland the Turd (1184-1267)
                    August 18:  Robert Redford, 81

                                        Roman Polanski, 84
                                        Rosalynn Carter, 90
                    August 19: 
Renée Rich, 50 (a year and three weeks younger than Martina McBride)
                                       
Bill Clinton, 71

                                        Debra Paget, 84
                    August 20:  Ron Paul, 82
                                        Don King, 86

Deaths:
                Dick Gregory, 84
                Heather Heyer, 32
                Robert Patrick "Motorboat" "Bob" Bates, 79
                Thomas Joseph Boofter Sr., 74
                Edwin Epperson (Ed), 99
                Eula May Redmon
Merriam Begley Hayley, 96
                Oo Meh, 62
                                            [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The National Association for the Advancement of  Colored  People
appealed a federal judge's ruling allowing a suburb of Birmingham,
Alabama, to secede from the county school district. . . .  A 16-year-
old boy was running for governor of Kansas. . . . The recent terror-
ist fad of plowing into pedestrians with motor vehicles was dubbed
"mohem" by free speech advocates. .  .  .  A man drove a car into a
pizzeria in Paris,  killing an 8-year-old girl.  . . .  Amazon.com was
issuing refunds for "knockoff" eclipse glasses. . . . Big Ben will go
into eclipse phase tomorrow. . . . Kathy Griffin shaved her head. ...
North Korea did not attack Guam (yet). . . . Human remains found
in Aruba were being tested for those of  Natalee  Holloway. . . .  A
10-year-old rape victim gave birth by caesarean section in
Chandi-
garh,  North India.  .  .  . Taylor Swift's internet,  Infantspam Insta-
gram and Tumblr pages  were  wiped  clean,  and her avatar photo
was removed from her Clutterbook Facebook and Tweeter Twitter
accounts  and  YouTube entries  (
Blank Space Shake it Off). . . .
                     hautzenr.jpg Ashley Hautzenrader, 24, tried to flush her baby down the toilet at the University of Iowa Hospital, then left it in a pillowcase in a trash can. The child lived. Ashley pleaded guilty to child endangerment, reduced from attempted murder. She could get 12 years in prison
    [courtesy                                       LEX18, Associated Press]
hautzenr.jpg Ashley Hautzenrader, 24, tried to flush her baby down the toilet at the University of Iowa Hospital, then left it in a pillowcase in a trash can. The child lived. Ashley pleaded guilty to child endangerment, reduced from attempted murder. She could get 12 years in prison
The sports:
Floyd Mayweather was knocked out by his sparring partner.

Dear Eleanor:
I am a working mother of two, married for 20 years.  I go to
great lengths to keep an
updated Google calendar, which my
husband has access to any time he wishes to see it. The prob-
lem is, he rarely looks at it.  Instead, he asks me daily "What
have we got going on today?",  "What  time  is  [whatever]?"
and "Do we have anything happening the weekend of [what-
ever]?" Sometimes he texts me at work to ask what time one
of our children needs to be picked up.

It drives me crazy!  At any hour of any day he is one click a-
way from all this information.  It makes me feel as if I'm his
secretary.  I have told him how it makes me feel,  numerous
times,  to  no  avail.  How can I get him to use  my  calendar
and stop treating me as his personal secretary?

                                                                 Fed Up in the South
Dear Dumby Cunty:
                                        Where do I begin?

                                        You are his secretary.  Look it upWife.

                                        Wow, he knows how to "text"?  What a
                                        gold mine you have.

                                        You look it up,  bitch – the answer to his
                                        daily question.

  kryshela.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Kryshela Teresa Brown, BF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, probation violation, theft; Eric Charles Ritchie, WM, 25, 5'9", 150 lbs, probation violation, controlled substances; Tamar Lynn Shull, WF, 44, 4'10", 127 lbs, a/k/a "Tomorrow," a/k/a "Tamera," a/k/a "Little Tammy," tattoos on both shoulders, battery of a law officer, possession of opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff)stephond.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Stephon Marquis Wiley, 29, black hair brown eyes, 135 lbs, 5'6", manufacture/delivery sell/possession of controlled substance; Dustin Keith Weaver, 30, brown hair & eyes, 170 lbs, 6'0", bond forfeiture aggravated assault w/deadly weapon; Mario Andretti Saya, 26, black hair, brown eyes, 300 lbs, 5'11", bond forfeiture possession of controlled substance
kryshela.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Kryshela Teresa Brown, BF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, probation violation, theft; Eric Charles Ritchie, WM, 25, 5'9", 150 lbs, probation violation, controlled substances; Tamar Lynn Shull, WF, 44, 4'10", 127 lbs, a/k/a "Tomorrow," a/k/a "Tamera," a/k/a "Little Tammy," tattoos on both shoulders, battery of a law officer, possession of opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff); stephond.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Stephon Marquis Wiley, 29, black hair brown eyes, 135 lbs, 5'6", manufacture/delivery sell/possession of controlled substance; Dustin Keith Weaver, 30, brown hair & eyes, 170 lbs, 6'0", bond forfeiture aggravated assault w/deadly weapon; Mario Andretti Saya, 26, black hair, brown eyes, 300 lbs, 5'11", bond forfeiture possession of controlled substance

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "akmaiti@meconlimited.co.in"
        titled "If thou wouldst have me!"

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  every week.  Normally the conferences is held
on Sunday, just after church; but this week's conference will be
held  tomorrow  (
Monday,  August 21),  at 11:54 a.m. (Central
Daylight time)  in coincidence with the solar eclipse  (Hopkins-
ville,  Kentucky,  has been posited as the best place from which
to see the eclipse; and Brownstown is just up the road from Hop-
town).  Guest speaker will be Professor Irwin Corey,  resurrected
for the occasion.


lifepark.jpg Life Saver Dude: "That's a pretty poor example to set for the motoring public, Dude!" one way do not enter Washington St Sheriff Edmonson County

             Edmonson County Sheriff's cars parked against the movement of traffic on one-way
             Jackson Street outside the Courthouse in Brownsville, Ky.  [Tabloid Headlines photo]
lifepark.jpg Life Saver Dude: "That's a pretty poor example to set for the motoring public, Dude!" one way do not enter Washington St Sheriff Edmonson County
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



August 13, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:

Kelly Ripa: 'I quit!' (Enquirer); William & Kate named King & Queen! (Life & Style); But who's the daddy? Kate Hudson pregnant, torn between two lovers (Star); Brad to Angelina: I'll raise the kids (Life & Style); Mike Pence considering 1820 run for President; Trump claims to be 'most innocent person ever,' according to phone call from Mueller; Trumpites furious they still have health insurance; Frenchwoman [Statue of Liberty inset] spews pro-immigration propaganda (last four courtesy the Borowitz Report)
Kelly Ripa: 'I quit!' (Enquirer); William & Kate named King & Queen! (Life & Style); But who's the daddy? Kate Hudson pregnant, torn between two lovers (Star); Brad to Angelina: I'll raise the kids (Life & Style); Mike Pence considering 1820 run for President; Trump claims to be 'most innocent person ever,' according to phone call from Mueller; Trumpites furious they still have health insurance; Frenchwoman [Statue of Liberty inset] spews pro-immigration propaganda (last four courtesy the Borowitz Report)

                A Tabloid Headlines EDITORIAL:

                Fuck "opiates," and fuck the alleged "opioid crisis."
                Let the dumb, mother-fucking sons-of-bitches die.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A Wal-Mart sign "Own the school year like a hero" posted
over a display of rifles for sale  may  not  have come from
Evansville. . . .

A woman who works for the Sheriff's office was wounded
by a gun that went off accidentally  at the funeral in Bank-
ers Life Fieldhouse  for a policeman who was shot and kil-
led.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

kathjohn.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Tiffany
                  Stahl, BF, 5'6", 150 lbs, probation viol.,
                  robbery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kathy Ann
                  Verile, WF, unlawfully driving away an automobile;
                  Johnny Glenn Haynes, WM, welfare fraud; Brandi Nicole
                  Miller, WF, tampering with evidence (Michiana Crime
                  Stoppers)
kathjohn.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Tiffany Stahl, BF, 5'6", 150 lbs, probation viol., robbery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kathy Ann Verile, WF, unlawfully driving away an automobile; Johnny Glenn Haynes, WM, welfare fraud; Brandi Nicole Miller, WF, tampering with evidence (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Two hundred thousand

  [courtesy Louisville
       Courier-Journal
]

A
  Marriott   Hotel
in 
Bowling  Green
overbooked  for the
eclipse and notified
a Lexington woman
who  had  booked a
room in January for
August  20  that  her
reservation was can-
celed   (and  offered
her  a  room  in Ow-
ensboro).
. . .
 visitors were expected in Hopkinsville, population 31,577, for the solar eclipse.  
 

kyclipse.jpg Solar eclipse best-view belt through
                Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky and Tennessee
      Solar eclipse best-view belt through Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky and Tennessee
While some schools are closing for Eclipse Day,  Lincoln
County was adding 30 minutes to its school day. . . .

A 2-year-old girl in Berea called 911 to report that her fath-
er, surrounded by pills, had passed out.
                                                                   [courtesy LEX18]

Dane Lane and and his  "transgender  wife,"  "Allegra
Schawe-Lane," sued Amazon.com, their employer,  in
Covington,  for sex discrimination.
                                                               [courtesy ABC]
laceyday.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Lacey Gordon, WF, 28, 5'9", 160 lbs, appears not as happy as she was 5 years ago (and she's put on 40 pounds); Briankeeka Day, BF, 28, 5'4", 115 lbs, underweight; Taylor Phillips, WF, 5'10", 230 lbs, overweight (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Notosha Ogembo, BF, 31, 5'9", 150 lbs, deadly conduct; Wanted in Waco: Amanda C. Niño, HF, 23, 5'4", 140 lbs, burglary (Abilene and Waco Crime Stoppers)

laceyday.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Lacey Gordon, WF, 28, 5'9", 160 lbs, appears not as happy as she was 5 years ago (and she's put on 40 pounds); Briankeeka Day, BF, 28, 5'4", 115 lbs, underweight; Taylor Phillips, WF, 5'10", 230 lbs, overweight (pulled kicking and Screaming from the Herald-Leader);
 Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Notosha Ogembo, BF, 31, 5'9", 150 lbs, deadly conduct; Wanted in Waco: Amanda C. Niño, HF, 23, 5'4", 140 lbs, burglary (Abilene and Waco Crime Stoppers)


Quotation of the week:
                                        "Sound dialogue is not possible with such a guy bereft of reason who is going senile."

                                                                                                                             – North Korean Gen.
Kim Rak-gyom
Quotation of the weak:
                                         "Glen Campbell finally got to Phoenix."
                                                                                                           – John Hockenberry, the Takeaway, WNYC

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"A friend told me he had the 'walking pneumonia,' and I said,
  'I can relate: I've got the walking clap'."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Midnight Ryder.

Unisex name of the week:  Kerry (Cary, Carey, Carrie).

jabtrump.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jabba the Hutt, Donald Trump
jabtrump.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jabba the Hutt, Donald Trump

Birthdays:
                    August 7:  Rodney Crowell, 67
                                      B. J. Thomas, 75
                                      Garrison Keillor, 75
                                      Don Larsen, 88
                    August 8:  Connie Stevens, 79
                                      Dustin Hoffman, 80
                                      Mel Tillis, 85
                    August 9:  Bob Cousy, 89
                                      
Dollie Krahenbuhl, 108
                    August 10:  Kylie Jenner, 20
                                        
Ian Anderson, 70
                                        Rocky Colavito, 84
                                        Rhonda Fleming, 94
                                        John the Blind (1296-1346)
                    August 11:  Terry Bollea ("Hulk Hogan"), 64
                                        Steve Wozniak, 67
                                        Arlene Dahl, 92
                    August 12:  Plaxico Burress, 40
                                       Mark Knopfler, 68
                    August 13:  Dave "Baby" Cortez, 79
                                       Jim "Mudcat" Grant, 82

Deaths:
                Yisrael Kristal, 113
                Barbara Cook, 89
                Glen Campbell, 81
                Don Baylor, 68
                Betty Jean Bowles, 87
                Billy Gene Bowles, 63
               
William Richard Christopher "Chris" Flener, 31
                                                                                                 [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Police were called in Newport, Oregon, to remove a cat from a tree,  be-
lieved to be lurking there with an assault rifle. . . . Anthony  Scaramucci
topped a list of the 50 least powerful people in the world (Chris Christie,
James Comey and Tiger Woods also were in the top five). . . . An airline
passenger seen exchanging text with a woman about how they were go-
ing to molest her children was arrested when he landed (and so too was
the woman, later). . . . Teen-age girls in Danvers, Massachusetts, put an
infant they were baby-sitting in the refrigerator,  then posted a video of
the child crying on "social media." . . . Prime  Minister  Malcolm  Turn-
bull said Australia will join the United States if North Korea strkes first,
the Chinese said they will side with North Korea if the U.S. strikes first,
Japan said it would protect Guam, and New Zealand would not commit.

                                                [courtesy LEX18, Harper's, HuffPost, AP]
Harper's bonus:
President Donald Trump,  who abandoned the role of President in the film
Sharknado 3 in order to run for office, fired his chief of staff, Reince Prie-
bus; tweeted that there was no "chaos" in the White House; and appointed
John Kelly
as his new chief of staff, who reportedly had made a pact with
Defense Secretary James "Mad Dog a/k/a Chaos" Mattis not to both be out
of the country while Trump is in command of the military.  Trump's coun-
terterrorism adviser  Sebastian  Gorka,  who in the 1990's signed his name
using the insignia of a Nazi-aligned Hungarian group, said that the military
is  "there to kill people and blow stuff up";  Trump visited New York's Suf-
folk County,  where the former police chief was arrested for beating a man
he suspected of stealing a duffel bag of sex toys from his car  and said that
it is OK  for police to hit suspects on the head;  and a spokesperson for the
New York Police Department,  whose officers in Brooklyn shot  and killed
a mentally disabled black man, said Trump's endorsement of police brutali-
ty  was  "unprofessional."   Trump told his Cabinet that Mexico's President
Enrique Peña Nieto had called him to praise his border-control efforts,  Pe-
ña Nieto  said  he  had "not recently communicated by phone" with Trump,
and a transcript of a months-old conversation between them had Trump tel-
ling Peña Nieto that New Hampshire was a "drug-infested den,"  that Peña
Nieto  should  not  "even think about" Canada,  and "It is you and I against
the world."   The administration indicated it would not support a Labor De-
partment rule that expanded the number of employees  required  to  receive
overtime pay, and the Secret Service vacated Trump Tower after being una-
ble to resolve a dispute over how much the United States should pay Trump
for the space it rents to protect Trump.   A lawsuit was filed alleging Trump
preapproved the publication of a retracted Fox News story,  which  claimed
that  a staff member of the Democratic National Committee  was  murdered
for leaking files to WikiLeaks,  an  act  the reporter had no evidence of  and
the FBI and the CIA had already told Trump was carried out by Russians. A
leaked account of a recent White House meeting depicted Trump comparing
his advisers to a consultant who he felt gave bad advice to the owners of one
of his favorite Manhattan restaurants in the 1980's;  Trump told his golf club
in New Jersey that the White House was "a real dump" and that the members
who pay him dues were his "real people"; and then Trump departed for a 17-
day visit to the club,  where  he was once planning to build a mausoleum for
himself.  Trump's communications director, Anthony Scaramucci,  who was
reported to have skipped the birth of his child to hear a speech by Trump de-
scribing a Manhattan cocktail party to boy scouts,  said the entire communi-
cations department would be "fired over the next two weeks and threatened
to fire an assistant press secretary, was himself fired,  and was listed by the
Harvard Law School alumni magazine as dead since 2011.  Trump's educa-
tion secretary didn't answer questions about whether she supported the cuts
to teacher-training programs proposed in Trump's budget;   Trump donated
his second-quarter paycheck to the Education
Department to fund a STEM
camp, and then he backed a proposal to replace the immigration system with
one that would admit people into the country based on their level of educa-
tion and ability to speak English.  "Look," Trump once said of his own aca-
demic abilities, "my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer,
Dr. John Trump at M.I.T.   – good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart,
the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart – you know, if you-
're a conservative Republican,  if I were a liberal,  if, like, OK,  if I ran as a
liberal Democrat,  they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere
in the worldit's  true!but when you're a conservative Republican  they
try – oh,  do they  do  a  number!  –  that's why I always start off,  'Went  to
Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune
– you know I have to give my,  like,  credentials all the time,  because  we're
a little disadvantaged. . . .' "

Dear Eleanor:
God has given me a good life, but now I'm old and crip-
pled and in poor health.   I  feel  useless,  and I just wish
God would take me to Heaven.  Would  it  be wrong  for
me to pray this way?

I already asked Billy Graham,  and I did not understand
his reply.
                                                                            Mrs. S. J.
Dear Sarah Jane:
                                  If you really believe,  pull  the  plug.  If you
                                  have any doubts (I'm thinking you do, since
                                  you're asking), stick around.

darylvon.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Annette D. Toliver, BF, 25, 5'0", 100 lbs, probation violation, forgery; Daryl Laquan Williams, BM, a/k/a Darrel Wilkins, 46, 5'9", 170 lbs, tattoo "Will" on left shoulder, probation viol., opiates; Lauren Ranae Shonkwiler, WF, a/k/a Lauren Ranae Rogers, a/k/a Lauren Ranae Minor, 31, 5'4", 140 lbs, probation viol., theft; Vonaaron Wayne Devine, BM, a/k/a Aaron W. Devine Jr., 30, 6'2", 155 lbs, tattoos cross on right forearm, "Hoover Crip HVC," "107" on upper left arm, CAUTION: GANG MEMBER, prob. viol., aggravated battery; Alexis Ariel Terrell, BF, a/k/a Alexis Norwood, 23, 5'4", 250 lbs, tattoos "Alexis" right calf, "Zahriyah" back, probation viol., stalking (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
darylvon.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Annette D. Toliver, BF, 25, 5'0", 100 lbs, probation violation, forgery; Daryl Laquan Williams, BM, a/k/a Darrel Wilkins, 46, 5'9", 170 lbs, tattoo "Will" on left shoulder, probation viol., opiates; Lauren Ranae Shonkwiler, WF, a/k/a Lauren Ranae Rogers, a/k/a Lauren Ranae Minor, 31, 5'4", 140 lbs, probation viol., theft; Vonaaron Wayne Devine, BM, a/k/a Aaron W. Devine Jr., 30, 6'2", 155 lbs, tattoos cross on right forearm, "Hoover Crip HVC," "107" on upper left arm, CAUTION: GANG MEMBER, prob. viol., aggravated battery; Alexis Ariel Terrell, BF, a/k/a Alexis Norwood, 23, 5'4", 250 lbs, tattoos "Alexis" right calf, "Zahriyah" back, probation viol., stalking (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
lescrav.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitive of the week: Leslie Marie Craven, 22, brown hair, brown eyes, 155 lbs, 5'7", wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas) for surety off bond, forgery of financial instrument
lescrav.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitive of the week: Leslie Marie Craven, 22, brown hair, brown eyes, 155 lbs, 5'7", wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas) for surety off bond, forgery of financial instrument


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  every week.  Normally the conferences is held
on Sunday, just after church (as is today's); but next week's con-
ference will be held on Monday, August 21, at 11:54 a.m. (Cen-
tral time)  in coincidence with  the  solar  eclipse  (Hopkinsville,
Kentucky,  has been posited as the best place from which to see
the eclipse; and Brownstown is just up the road from Hoptown).
Guest speaker will be Professor Irwin Corey, resurrected for the
occasion.


The sports, and,
the moviesPaddle Battle,  starring Steph Curry
                    and Serena Williams:
      serechas.jpg

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "mark@aquabid.com"
        titled "The Amber Rose Slutwalk Festival is a completely inclusive space."

lifegook.jpg Life Saver Dude: Oh my God! The Gooks are here! Mohawk, Edmonson County, Kentucky (forest art by Jadwiga) Make Korea great again
lifegook.jpg Life Saver Dude: Oh my God! The Gooks are here! Mohawk, Edmonson County, Kentucky (forest art by Jadwiga) Make Korea great again
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



August 6, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – the week's headlines
:

Diana & JFK Jr. secret affair, best friend finally tells all, wild nights at New York luxury hotel, they dreamed of having a baby and moving to Turkey (Star); Camilla crowns herself Queen (Globe); 263 lb. Mariah too fat to walk (Enquirer); 78 lb. Angie skin & bones; Kelly Ripa mental health crisis (Globe)

Diana & JFK Jr. secret affair, best friend finally tells all, wild nights at New York luxury hotel, they dreamed of having a baby and moving to Turkey (Star); Camilla crowns herself Queen (Globe); 263 lb. Mariah too fat to walk (Enquirer); 78 lb. Angie skin & bones; Kelly Ripa mental health crisis (Globe)


Internet  censorship  reared its ugly head again in last week's
transmission of  both  Tabloid Headlines  (at least two block-
ed recipients) and Your Sunday paper in a plain brown wrap-
per (at least four blocked).  And, as usual, the despot appear-
ed to be our own internet "service" "provider,"  Windstream-
.net.  This was a typical error message in the returned mail:
This message was created automatically  by  the Wind-
stream mail system. A message that you sent could not
be delivered to one or more of its recipients.   This is a
permanent error. The following address failed:  [redac-
ted].    Arrival-Date:  201707300755  Reporting-MTA:
pacmmta54.windstream.net       ReturnMessage:  5.3.0
alph149       DNSBL:RBL 521< 162.39.147.220 >_is_
blocked.    For    assistance    forward   this   email   to
abuse_rbl@abuse-att.net.

bretsant.jpg Arrest in Abilene (Texas, not Abilene, Kansas): Bret Linley, WM, 29, 5'10", 145 lbs, evading arrest; Santana Mallard, WF, 31, 5'9", 185 lbs, endangering child; Joanna Delacruz, HF, 5'4", 145 lbs, robbery, cocaine, debit card abuse; Tanah Grimes, BF, 28, 5'3", 210 lbs, child abandonment; Ashley Rodriguez, HM*, 5'1", 160 lbs, endangeering a child, *that's what the blotter says, Hispanic MALE; Dominique Green, BF,30, 5'5", 220 lbs, injury to a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
bretsant.jpg Arrest in Abilene (Texas, not Abilene, Kansas): Bret Linley, WM, 29, 5'10", 145 lbs, evading arrest; Santana Mallard, WF, 31, 5'9", 185 lbs, endangering child; Joanna Delacruz, HF, 5'4", 145 lbs, robbery, cocaine, debit card abuse; Tanah Grimes, BF, 28, 5'3", 210 lbs, child abandonment; Ashley Rodriguez, HM*, 5'1", 160 lbs, endangeering a child, *that's what the blotter says, Hispanic MALE; Dominique Green, BF,30, 5'5", 220 lbs, injury to a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Sunday 7/30/17 @10:20 CDT:
"Snaughter"?
Here's a whole vocabulary of "gender"-neutral desig-
nations of family members for you:

parent = fother ("Mappy" or "Mop" for short) – or, "parent"
child = snaughter ("Snot" for short) – or, "child"

sibling = brister ("Bris" for short) – or, "sibling"
aunt or uncle = ancle ("Ank" or "Ankie" for short)
niece or nephew = niphew ("Nip" for short)
cousin = cousin  (Ha! Ha! Like "parent," "child" and "sibling,"
                            it's already "gender"-neutral!  "Cous," "Cuz"!
                            But unlike them,  there's no "gender"-specific
                            form)

Suggested pronouns:
"he or she" = "hse" (pronounce it "hussy" – we'd prefer "s/he," but finding a
                      "gender"-neutral pronunciation for that would be a challenge)
objective case = "herim"
possessive = "hersis"

(More on "gender fluidity," courtesy Bruce Mitchell.)
And just as we were finally concluding that we would never get a
grip  on  "transgender,"  we encountered another  terme  nouveau:
"intersex children."  Would any of our readers care to explain it –
and, particularly, in the context of homosexual and "trans"?    – Editor

Unisex name of the week: 
Jean.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The  "Fireball"  was shut down at the state fair (not to men-
tion Kentucky's, Tennessee's, Missouri's Ozark Empire Fair
and all over California). . . .

Whiting's Chamber of Commerce demanded that Edwards-
ville, Pennsylvania, stop using the name "Pierogi Festival"
or pay royalties on its "Pierogi Fest" trademark (the Penn-
sylvania Polish celebration was in its fourth year,  the fest
in Whiting, in its 143rd).
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

elviejer.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Andrew Gerndt, WM, 5'8", 135 lbs, prescription forgery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Elvie Lewis Branch, BM, unarmed robbery; Miesha Lashawn-Marquel Fuller, BF, unarmed robbery; Jerome Atkins, BM, upside down ears, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
elviejer.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Andrew Gerndt, WM, 5'8", 135 lbs, prescription forgery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Elvie Lewis Branch, BM, unarmed robbery; Miesha Lashawn-Marquel Fuller, BF, unarmed robbery; Jerome Atkins, BM, upside down ears, assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The "Fireball" ride was shut down at the state fair (not to men-
tion Indiana's,  Tennessee's,  
Missouri's Ozark Empire Fair and
all over California), and a whole carnival was canceled in Haz-
ard
. . . .

A 16-year-old boy died leaping from a moving school bus in
Louisville.
                                                                     [courtesy LEX18]

donyetim.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Donyell Flippins, BM, 47, 6'0", 140 lbs, flippin' the bird at white police officer; Timothy Riely, WM, 46, 6'2", 190 lbs, affirmative action arrest; Timetrus Stewart, BM, 26, 6'3", 160 lbs, imperious attitude
donyetim.jpg Lexington's most wanted (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader): Donyell Flippins, BM, 47, 6'0", 140 lbs, flippin' the bird at white police officer; Timothy Riely, WM, 46, 6'2", 190 lbs, affirmative action arrest; Timetrus Stewart, BM, 26, 6'3", 160 lbs, imperious attitude

Quotation of the week:
                                        "On cable TV there is a weather channel – 24 hours of weather.  We had something
                                          like that where I grew up.  We called it a window."
                                                                                                                               – Dan Spencer
Quotation of the weak:

                "Recently  I took a friend with only a high school degree to lunch.  Insensitively I led her into a
                 gourmet  sandwich  shop.   Suddenly I saw her face freeze up as she was confronted with sand-
                 wiches named 'padrino' and 'pomodoro' and ingredients like soppressata, capicollo and a striata
                 baguette.  I quickly asked her if she wanted to go somewhere else,  and  she  anxiously nodded
                 yes."
                                                                   – David Brooks

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Now that you've let me meddle with you, Miss, do you
  suppose we could get into a little collusion?"
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Two Hearted Ale.


Birthdays:
                    July 31:  Evonne Goolagong, 66
                                   Kent LaVoie ("Lobo"), 74
                                   Philip the Good (1396-1467)
                    August 1:  Ramblin' Jack Elliott, 86
                                      Jerry Garcia (1942-1995)
                    August 2:  Isabel Allende, 75
                                      Garth Hudson, 80
                    August 3:  Tom Brady, 40
                                      Tony Bennett, 91
                    August 4:  Mary Decker Slaney, 59
                    August 5:  Marine Le Pen, 49
                                      Wendell Berry, 83
                    August 6:  Soleil Moon Frye, 41
                                      JonBenét Ramsey (1990-1996)

Deaths:
                Ara Parseghian, 94
                Jeanne Moreau, 89
                Lee May, 74
                Sam Shepard, 73
                Orene Daniels, 85
                Martin E. "Hemi" "Hammerhead" Hemmerlein, 90
                Joneica Hill, 50
                Victoria M. "Vicki" McMonigle, 65
                Sha'Ron Nash, 67
                Legina Sullivan, 50
                                                       [Louisville Courier-Journal]

elijambr.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Elijah E. Reyes, HM, 21, 5'11", 140 lbs, tattoos chest, both arms, upside down left ear, probation violation for failure to stop at accident with great bodily harm; Amber N. Fessenden, WF, 28, 5'4", 200 lbs, felony theft probation viol. (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Texoma's most wanted fugitive of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas): Cuong Quoc Vuong, 38, black hair, brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'5", violation of probation, possession of marijuana, o/50 lbs - u/2,000 lbs
elijambr.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Elijah E. Reyes, HM, 21, 5'11", 140 lbs, tattoos chest, both arms, upside down left ear, probation violation for failure to stop at accident with great bodily harm; Amber N. Fessenden, WF, 28, 5'4", 200 lbs, felony theft probation viol. (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Texoma's most wanted fugitive of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas): Cuong Quoc Vuong, 38, black hair, brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'5", violation of probation, possession of marijuana, o/50 lbs - u/2,000 lbs

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The "Mooch" was fired just ten days after being hired. . . . Mrs. "Mooch"
filed  for  divorce. . . .  A family in Farmington,  Utah,  that paid for their
dog to be euthanized went looking for a new dog and found their old dog
cured  and  up  for adoption  (they  bought  it back). . . . Caitlin, Caitlinn,
Caitlyn, Caitlynn, Catelin, Catelinn, Caitlyn, Catelynn, Katelin, Katelinn,
Katelyn, Katelynn, Kaitlin, Kaitlinn, Kaitlyn and Kaitlynn  were  the  16
girls' names whose popularity dropped most in  2016  (thank God!),  and
Collins became a more common first name than Claudia.  .  .  .  A retired
lawyer sued the state and national Republican Party in Virginia for fraud
for soliciting and taking donations to repeal Obamacare.  . . .  Newlywed
Kate Elizabeth Prichard pulled a 9-
mm. handgun  out of her wedding
dress outside a motel in Murfrees-
boro,  Tennessee,  on her wedding
night,  pointed  it  at  her new hus-
band's head and pulled the trigger
(it wasn't loaded, but then she loa-
ded  it  and  fired  into the air). . . .
     kateliza.jpog
michelle.jpg     Michelle Carter, the Massachusetts girl who, at 17,
    convinced her 18-year-old boy friend  to  complete
    a suicide attempt,  got a juvenile court sentence  of
    15 months for manslaughter. . . . The National As-
    sociation  for the Advancement of Colored People
    issued a  "travel  advisory"  warning people to use
    extreme caution traveling through Missouri.  .  .  .
    Dubai's Torch Tower again went up in flames  (no
    injuries were reported).

                                                               [courtesy LEX18, NBC.com, AP]
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "FUCK EXPRESS"
        titled "Easily find girlfriend for sex!"

The sports:

A 2016 Chicago Cubs World Series ring was awarded to Steve Bartman. . . .
       hostrich.jpg
     Baley Hare was the last jockey still mounted at the finish line  in a heat
     at Ostrich and Camel Racing Day at Ellis Park in Henderson, Kentucky.

lifecaml.jpg Get a grip, childen! It's only a camel race! Life Saver Dude

Here's a whole gallery. . . .
                                                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dear Eleanor:
My best friend is getting married next year, and I am
supposed to be the maid of honor.  I am Jewish,  and
she scheduled her wedding on the first day of Passo-
ver.  This also means her rehearsal dinner will be on
my family’s first Seder.

How do I explain  to  her  that  for the first time in my
life she has broken my heart?  It seems that her family
doesn’t understand  that Jewish holidays are as impor-
tant as theirs.  She is asking me to choose between my
beliefs, my family and our friendship.

What do I say to her,   or should I just decline to be in
her wedding?   With 52 weekends in a year, I feel like
she could have found another day.
                                                         Brokenhearted in Boston

Dear Judith:
                            Don't lay the guilt trip on your BFF;  it's not
                            her fault you're Jewish.   And did it occur to
                            your feeble brain that she and her family, be-
                            ing  "nonobservant,"  merely might not have
                            been  aware  of the conflict  with  your  holy
                            calendar when they scheduled things?

                            Anyway, with the wedding a year away, there's
                            lotsa time to correct things.   First,  just tell her
                            you can't go,  and  why.  Maybe she'll resched-
                            ule without  your  even  having  to  ask  her  to.
                            Second,  maybe  you  can  get  the  Council  of
                            Rabbis, within that time,  to reschedule the Se-
                            der and Passover  to  Monday,  which is the di-
                            rection all holidays seem to be heading anyway.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future
  include  the  late  Jeanne
Moreau.


 
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

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just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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