February 25, 2018: Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –  the
week's headlines
:


Kim Jong-un's sister killer in a mini-skirt! (Globe); Bot purge leaves Trump with only 14 followers on Twitter (Borowitz Reort); NRA's LaPierrre accidentally blows hand off in CPAC speech (Onion); Kentucky jailer indicted on charge (LEX18); Harry attacks evil Camilla, 'Stop bad-mouthing my bride' (Examiner)
Kim Jong-un's sister killer in a mini-skirt! (Globe); Bot purge leaves Trump with only 14 followers on Twitter (Borowitz Reort); NRA's LaPierrre accidentally blows hand off in CPAC speech (Onion); Kentucky jailer indicted on charge (LEX18); Harry attacks evil Camilla, 'Stop bad-mouthing my bride' (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Honkin de Spain wrote Mon 2/19/18 re Pebbles the "comfort
hamster" ordered flushed down the toilet by Spirit Airlines:

Atrocious!  May we assume they were in flight at the
time?   Otherwise,  if the woman's hamster love  was
true,  she should have refused to board the aircraft.
If you had followed the link we gave with our report,  you
would have seen  that the airline refused to board the ham-
ster.  But the woman was on a  time  crunch  seeking treat-
ment for  a  severe  medical  condition  and felt she had no
choice.  After  the airline had assured her twice on the tele-
phone, previously, that Pebbles could fly with her.

And we understand your inability  to  "follow the link."  Our
records show  that you are one of our U.S. mail subscribers
at  the  Texas Women's Prison.  You can't link-click a piece
of paper,  and you probably  have  limited  if  any access to
the internet.
                                                                                 – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
A 12-year-old girl was arrested in Dugger for Slapcrap Snap-
chat threats on her school. . . .

Four juveniles and an adult were arrested for a
Slapcrap Snap-
chat  threat  on  Corydon High School  (20 per cent of the stu-
dents were absent on the target day). . . .

icenogle.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Shawn Michael Icenogle, 33, 5'11", 170 lbs, escape where defendant just runs away from lawful detention (level 5 felony); Leviticus N. Price, WM, 26, 5'1", 110 lbs, fraud, weighted ear lobes (attempted upside down ears); Luis Daniel Agilar, WM, 34, 5'11", 160 lbs, failure to appear; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Charles Thomas Guinn III, WM, failure to register; Constance Chanelle Foster, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Dewayne Darryl Kirkdorfer, WM, failure to register (Wabash Valley, Michiana Crime Stoppers)
icenogle.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Shawn Michael Icenogle, 33, 5'11", 170 lbs, escape where defendant just runs away from lawful detention (level 5 felony); Leviticus N. Price, WM, 26, 5'1", 110 lbs, fraud, weighted ear lobes (attempted upside down ears); Luis Daniel Agilar, WM, 34, 5'11", 160 lbs, failure to appear; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Charles Thomas Guinn III, WM, failure to register; Constance Chanelle Foster, BF, assault with a dangerous weapon; Dewayne Darryl Kirkdorfer, WM, failure to register (Wabash Valley, Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The General Assembly voted to repeal  prohibition  (Indiana
will no longer be the only state to prohibit carryout alcoholic
beverage sales on Sundays).
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 13-year-old girl was arrested for writing on a bathroom
wall at Anderson Middle School in Lawrenceburg, "I am
going to shoot up the school on 2-21-18." . . .

A 14-year-old boy was arrested in Breckinridge County for
bringing a large knife to school that he admitted he was go-
ing to use to stab other students. . . .

A 15-year-old girl was arrested  for threatening to blow up a
school in Jackson County. . . .

Six more juveniles were arrested for school threats in Mar-
shall County, where a gunboy took two lives and wounded
21 at the high school in January. . . .

Man/boys 18 and 19 were arrested for a photo threat on line
to Jessamine County school and 29 other counties responded
to
"going scholastic threats" . . .
 pbilimes.jpg "We've only changed our name," they say - but not entirely, as you can see in the engraved sign on the face of the older building, on the right (and for the second time recently - the new Limestone Bank was the PBI Bank for the last 15 years, and they said, before, "We've only changed our name" - which was a lie then: PBI, a statewide bank, acquired the Brownsville Deposit Bank) (Tabloid Headlines photo)
pbilimes.jpg "We've only changed our name," they say - but not entirely, as you can see in the engraved sign on the face of the older building, on the right (and for the second time recently - the new Limestone Bank was the PBI Bank for the last 15 years, and they said, before, "We've only changed our name" - which was a lie then: PBI, a statewide bank, acquired the Brownsville Deposit Bank) (Tabloid Headlines photo)
A grade school teacher was arrested in Menifee County for
crushing a pill and snorting it in front of her pupils. . . .

A dead cow floated into a flooded inlet from the Ohio Riv-
er in Louisville.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]
azaylasy.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Azayla Bledsoe, BF, 18, 120 lbs, ready; Kelly Keeling, WF, 34, 5'6", 150 lbs, thinking it over; Kirsten Quinn, WF, 21, 5'5", 147 lbs, not sure; Sytanya Fells, BM, 53, Down and out, can't decide (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
azaylasy.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Azayla Bledsoe, BF, 18, 120 lbs, ready; Kelly Keeling, WF, 34, 5'6", 150 lbs, thinking it over; Kirsten Quinn, WF, 21, 5'5", 147 lbs, not sure; Sytanya Fells, BM, 53, Down and out, can't decide (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotation of the week:
                                          "I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize."
                                                                                                   
Boswell Rabbitsmith

Quotation of the weak
:

                                         "There is no such thing as a vegetarian."
                                                                                                               Charles Barkley

Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                          "Exactly."

                                                                                  –   Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Call  me.  You know how I can get.  I've been accused of  sexual
  harassment.   I've been accused  of domestic violence.   I've been
  accused of 'going scholastic.'  You know how I can get.   I blame
  myself.   But,  call me."
– Leonard Simon



Funny beer brands:  Omega Point.


Unisex name of the week:  Jody/Jodie.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "No 'if's, 'and's or 'but's" (let's try "no 'if's, 'and's or 'or's" for a change).


"There's an app for that!"
The  "RubGrub,"  an interactive vibrator that orders pizza after your or-
gasm. 
According to a press release, this diddle-and-dine device "comes"
with an internet-connected button on one end similar to the button on the
Amazon Dash Wand.

jethrobo.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jethro Tull, Jethro Bodine
jethrobo.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Jethro Tull, Jethro Bodine

Birthdays:
                    February 19:  Hana Mandlikova, 56
                    February 20
Cindy Crawford, 52
                                           Charles Barkley, 55
                                          
Patty Hearst, 64
                                           Ivana Trump, 61
                                           Sidney Poitier, 91
                    February 21:  Charlotte Church, 32
                                           Mary Chapin Carpenter, 60
                    February 22:  Julius Erving, 68
                                           Dick Van Arsdale, 75
                                           Tom Van Arsdale, 75

                                           [NOT George Washington (Feb. 11, 1732, Julian, to Dec. 14, 1799, Gregorian)]
                    February 23:  Dakota Fanning, 24
                                          
Ed "Too Tall" Jones, 67
                                           Fred Biletnikoff, 75
                    February 24:  Joe Lieberman, 76
                    February 25:  Sally Jessy Raphael, 83
                                           George Harrison (1943-2001)

Deaths:
                Billy Graham, 99
                Nanette Fabray, 97
                Tito Francona, 84
                Ruth Ellen Trinkle Hudelson Cook, 91
                Sirlean O. Thomas, 76
                                                                     [Louisville Courier-Journal]
                                              
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Passengers on a Dutch airline Transavia flight  from Dubai to Amsterdam
made such a ruckus over  another  passenger's  farting  the plane landed in
Vienna to unload the two hecklers and their sisters (but not the farter). . . .
Parkland, Florida, was ranked as the safest city in the state by the National
for Home Safety and Security before the school massacre there.  .  .  .  The
shooter fled to a nearby Walmart,  where customers can buy rifles and am-
 munition but cannot purchase music with lyrics that contain "fuck." . . . Al-
abama halted the execution of Doyle Lee Hamm, 61, for murder, after med-
ical technicians had trouble inserting the lethal injection needle into his can-
cer-damaged veins. . . . A cow in Poland escaped her loading on the slaugh-
terhouse truck, swam to an island in a lake, and continued to defend herself
from her would-be captors, breaking the ribs and arm of one of them.


                                                      [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, HuffPost, AP]

mistyram.jpg Wanted in Wichit Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Misty Ann day, 45, brown hair & eyes, bond forfeiture, criminal conspiracy to manf./delivery of controlled substance PG1 o/1g u/4g, attempted gender transform.; Ramzi Khamis ISSI (ISSI, not ISIS), 54, brown hair & eyes, 200 lbs, 6'0", surety off bond, manfufacture/delivery of controlled substance
patiedan.jpg Patience Milburn, 24 (Yorkshire hog of the week), black hair brown eyes, 215 lbs, 5'6", debit/credit/card abuse; Daniel Steven Torres, 24, black hair / brown eyes, 150 lbs, 5' 9", pr bond canceled, possession of controlled substance; Texoma's most wante fugitives of the week
mistyram.jpg Wanted in Wichit Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Misty Ann day, 45, brown hair & eyes, bond forfeiture, criminal conspiracy to manf./delivery of controlled substance PG1 o/1g u/4g, attempted gender transform.; Ramzi Khamis ISSI (ISSI, not ISIS), 54, brown hair & eyes, 200 lbs, 6'0", surety off bond, manfufacture/delivery of controlled substance; patiedan.jpg Patience Milburn, 24 (Yorkshire hog of the week), black hair brown eyes, 215 lbs, 5'6", debit/credit/card abuse; Daniel Steven Torres, 24, black hair / brown eyes, 150 lbs, 5' 9", pr bond canceled, possession of controlled substance; Texoma's most wante fugitives of the week

The sports:
French "ice dancer" Gabriella Papadakis showed her left tit
at the winter Olympics when her partner,  Guillaume Cizer-
on, lifted her and snapped the clasp on the back halter hold-
ing her dress together.  They still got a  silver  medal.  And,
there's video!

Dear Eleanor:
When I was in my teens, and even into my 20s and 30s,  I was
a  plain  Jane.  I had little self-confidence.  But  strangely,  I'm
one of those people who has gotten better looking as I've aged.
Now in my 50s, I am better looking than many women my age
or even younger.  Men definitely notice me, and I love it.

My problem is,  I'm now obsessed with my appearance.  I con-
stantly worry that I'll lose my looks.  I've even considered cos-
metic surgery.  I don't want to be the shallow person I see com-
ing. What can I do?
                                                                                Late Bloomer
Dear June:
                      Get it while ya can, honey!  Seduce the boss  And the
                      pastor.  And  the  milkman.  And that 18-year-old boy
                      who lives down the street.

lifejeth.jpg Life Saver Dude: And your mother thought Jethro Tull was a Beverly Hillbilly? Jethro Bodine
lifejeth.jpg Life Saver Dude: And your mother thought Jethro Tull was a Beverly Hillbilly? Jethro Bodine

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "acct3 madhepura"
        titled "New mail address now, it's me"  and  an
other  message from
        "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and
        other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Hope Hicks.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 18, 2018: Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  – the
week's headlines (this issue brought to you by  Kurtz  ketchup  – "There is a
substitute for Heinz")
:


hed18023.jpg GOT HIM! Wagner, 88, will die in jail (Enquirer); How Natalie really died (Closer); Mass shooting of school of fish reported at lake in Minnesota (Tabloid Headlines); Queen bans Fergie from Harry's wedding (Globe); Brad, Angie back together, why she couldn't let him go (In Touch); Meg Ryan, 56, finds love at last, talking marriage with John Mellencamp (Examiner); Judd family secrets: Wynonna's gay trouble, Naomi's strange marriage, Ashley's bitter feud with mom (National Examiner); Britney's new man, new life (US Weekly)
hedbritt.jpg
hed18023.jpg GOT HIM! Wagner, 88, will die in jail (Enquirer); How Natalie really died (Closer); Mass shooting of school of fish reported at lake in Minnesota (Tabloid Headlines); Queen bans Fergie from Harry's wedding (Globe); Brad, Angie back together, why she couldn't let him go (In Touch); Meg Ryan, 56, finds love at last, talking marriage with John Mellencamp (Examiner); Judd family secrets: Wynonna's gay trouble, Naomi's strange marriage, Ashley's bitter feud with mom (National Examiner); Britney's new man, new life (US Weekly)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/11/18 @09:52 PST:
Another version of Natalie Wood's death that has been scuttlebutt in Holly-
wood ever since it happened is that she caught Robert Wagner and Christo-
pher Walken in bed together,  ran off in drunken rage,  went down a ladder,
stumbled, and fell into the water; and they were too busy to hear.
and @11:01 PST re Ron Kirby Jr., C.A.I., A.A.R.E., C.E.S., U.C.M.A., R.L.I.:
Reminds of a friend in Toronto who is both a doctor and lawyer,  along
with some others, including a master's and Ph.D.,  ending with 
"One of
Her Majesty's Coroners for Ontario" – all shown on a crowded business
card. 
What we used to call a professional student,  except that after the
first degree the others were obtained while working. 
I once wrote him –
back in the day when people still wrote letters – addressing the envelope
with all the professional designations after his name followed by "ABC"
and "XYZ," which he did not even notice. 
Perhaps you can enlighten us
as to the meaning of the letters following the name of Ron Kirby Jr.
Thank you.  We know Mr. Kirby personally, but have no fucking idea about the
credentials.  We can guess only that "R.E." refers to "real estate." Try these also,
from Google:  C.A.I., A.A.R.E., C.E.S., U.C.M.A., R.L.I.    – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  Shelly (Shelley).


Redundancies that need a nap:  Christopher Spencer was arrested for "theft of identify of another
                                                   without consent," among 11 other charges.
                                                                                                                            – Edmonson (County, Ky.) News

New buzz words that could already use a nap:
"going scholastic" (now that "going postal" seems
                                                                           
finally to have taken a nap).

Dumb news from Indiana:
The former president  of a Mishawaka parent-teacher asso-
ciation
was convicted of fondling an 11-year-old girl while
several children were watching a movie at his home. . . .

A woman stealing a surveillance camera at a store in India-
napolis reached into her pants, threw shit on a security offi-
cer trying to stop her, and escaped (but not with the camera).

  
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

rahimama.jpg South Bend' most wanted: Rahim Brumfield, BM, murder; Berrien County, Michigan's: Amanda Lynn Trowbridge, WF, Jessica Lynn Johnson-Smith, WF, possession of stolen credit card; Terre Haute's (Yorkshire hogs of the week): Brenda Smith, WF, 61, 5'4", 160 lbs, Casandra Louise White, WF, 34, 5'5", 300+ lbs, meth, and overstay at the China Buffet (Michiana and Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
rahimama.jpg South Bend' most wanted: Rahim Brumfield, BM, murder; Berrien County, Michigan's: Amanda Lynn Trowbridge, WF, Jessica Lynn Johnson-Smith, WF, possession of stolen credit card; Terre Haute's (Yorkshire hogs of the week): Brenda Smith, WF, 61, 5'4", 160 lbs, Casandra Louise White, WF, 34, 5'5", 300+ lbs, meth, and overstay at the China Buffet (Michiana and Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Marshall County gunman faces grand jury
Gunman?  How 'bout, "gunboy"?  Age 15, killed two fel-
low students at school and wounded 21.   If he's indicted,
we may learn his name.   (Well,  look!   He was,  and  we
did – and they even put his pitture in the paper!) . . .

"If a tree don't fall on me I'll live till I die"  – Tex  Ritter,
singing "Rye Whiskey."  Well, a tree fell on Jamie Brew-
er, 41, in Wolfe County; and he died.
                                                  
            [courtesy LEX18]
devantew.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Devante Warfield, BM, 24, 5'11", 180 lbs, stalking; Monica Smith, BF, 52, 5'5", 150 lbs, stalking enticement; Harry Chapman, WM, 61, 6'3", 165 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," terroristic threatening, singing off key (pulled kicking and screraming from the Herald-Leader)
devantew.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Devante Warfield, BM, 24, 5'11", 180 lbs, stalking; Monica Smith, BF, 52, 5'5", 150 lbs, stalking enticement; Harry Chapman, WM, 61, 6'3", 165 lbs, "featured fugitive of the week," terroristic threatening, singing off key (pulled kicking and screraming from the Herald-Leader)
Quotation of the week:
                                         "No operatic tenor has yet died soon enough for me."
                                                                                                                                – Thomas Beecham
Quotation of the weak:
                                          "She’s fine as hell.  If she was 18, you wouldn’t be ashamed to say that
                                            she’s a little hot piece of ass.  And she is.  She is adorable.  I’m a huge
                                            Chloe Kim fan."
                                                                            – sports host Patrick Connor, on Sirius XM radio

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"The Wheat scores big,  sports fans.  A gentleman never kisses and
 tells, but her name was Morgan Fairchild.  Yeah, yeah, that was her
 name!  Morgan Fairchild!  You know,  she thinks I'm some kind of
 Cherokee chief.  Yeah!  That's the ticket!"

– Leonard Simon


Funny beer brands:  Helium-Bier.


Birthdays:
                    February 12:  Charles Van Doren, 92
                    February 13:  Marilyn Pauline "Kim" Novak, 85
                    February 14:  Carl Bernstein, 74
                    February 15:  Ron Cey, 70
                                           Susan Brownmiller, 83
                                           Ivan the Young (1458-1490)
                    February 16: 
Salvatore "Sonny" Bono (1935-1998)
                    February 17:  Paris Hilton, 37
                                           Tuesday Knight, 49
                                           Jim Brown, 82
                   
February 18:  Molly Ringwald, 50
                                           Yoko Ono, 85
Deaths:
                Vic Damone, 89
                Wally Moon, 87
                Arnoldyne Conner, 90
               
Elizabeth D. "Libby" Miles Thompson Dyne, 88
               
James Michael Frerman, 67
                Hortence Mary Wright,
79
                                                                     [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dear Eleanor:
I'm not attracted to my husband. I love him and don't want to
live without him,  but I do not want to be physically intimate
with him.  It is unfair  to  him;  and I've tried antidepressants,
meditation and diet,  but nothing works.

I used to have a high libido,  but I haven't wanted to have sex
with him in years. We do it maybe two or three times a month
because I force myself to, but it is unpleasant for me. He does-
n't want to guilt me into sex and hates that I force myself,  but
he has a high libido.

We are in our mid-20's, and this is killing him – and us.  I  am
attracted to some (but very few) others – just not to him.   I've
always been more emotionally attracted to women  than  men,
but I don't think that is it.   I  need  help  before  our  marriage
starts to crumble.
                                                    Avoiding It in South Carolina

Dear Caroline:
                            Starting?  Honey,  your  marriage  is  crumbling.

                            You need to call on your sisters the horny "can't
                            get enough" one for him,  a lezzie for you.  Surely
                            you have enough – related  or  not  – who can step
                            in.  If they don't work,  just give it up.

                            P.S.   Please gimme your
antidepressant,  medita-
                            tion  and  diet  scrips.  I've got all kinds of lezzie
                            correspondents  who would like those,  if any of
                            them works.



Borf 's weekly BONUS:

         Flynn,   a  bichon  frise,
         was  "best  in  show"  at
         Westminster   (it's  even
         more fun to say  than to
         look  at.   Try  it:   "bee-
         SHOWNH FREEZ-uh"
         – and  don't  forget  the
         uvular R in "FREEZ"). . . .
bichonfr.jpg
A driverless bus in Las Vegas, Nevada,  had an accident its first day
on the streets (but it was the other guy's fault). . . . A pastor charged
with public lewdness after being found in a parked car with a naked
man bound in nylon rope
  in  Munhall,  Pennsylvania,  said  he  was
counseling a man with a drug problem. . . . Dakota  Meyer  filed for
divorce from Bristol Palin. . . . 
A man accused of killing a 19-year-
old woman in Adams County, Colorado, told police he replied to an
ad she posted on Craigslist seeking a hit man
for a suicide. . . . Mc-
Donald's
planned to  eliminate  cheeseburgers  and  chocolate  milk
from its "Happy Meals." . . . American Media Inc., publisher of the
National Enquirer, bought the rights to a story about an affair Don-
ald Trump had with a Playboy model a decade ago and sat on it  (in
a tabloid procedure called "catch and kill," to protect errant celebri-
ties of choice).
                                        [courtesy
LEX18, J. Ewing, NBC.com, AP]

lisajela.jpg Wanted in Waco: Lisa Franklin, BF, 43, 5'4", 270 lbs, food stamp fraud, overstay at the China Buffet (City of Waco); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jelana Davon Timmins, BF, 24, 5'5", 130 lbs, tattoos on neck, back, chest, left shoulder, human trafficking; Eresha Marsha Carter, BF, 25, 5'7", 180 lbs, tattoos on neck, both arms, battery of law officer (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
lisajela.jpg Wanted in Waco: Lisa Franklin, BF, 43, 5'4", 270 lbs, food stamp fraud, overstay at the China Buffet (City of Waco); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Jelana Davon Timmins, BF, 24, 5'5", 130 lbs, tattoos on neck, back, chest, left shoulder, human trafficking; Eresha Marsha Carter, BF, 25, 5'7", 180 lbs, tattoos on neck, both arms, battery of law officer (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
melvindo.jpg Wanted n Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Melvin Larry Walker Jr., 40, black hair, brown eyes, 160 lbs, 5'9", fail to comply with registration requirements; Dorothy Gibson, 32, brown hair, blue eyes, 153 lbs, 5'9", surety off bond, theft u/$2,0i00 with 2 or more convictions; Texoma's finest fugitives
melvindo.jpg Wanted n Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Melvin Larry Walker Jr., 40, black hair, brown eyes, 160 lbs, 5'9", fail to comply with registration requirements; Dorothy Gibson, 32, brown hair, blue eyes, 153 lbs, 5'9", surety off bond, theft u/$2,0i00 with 2 or more convictions; Texoma's finest fugitives

The sports:
News almost too dumb for Tabloid Headlines:  A Chicago TV
station identified the P. F. Chang's  restaurant  chain  as the site
of the Winter Olympics.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Kim Yo Jong.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "dc_tebet"
        titled "New email address now, sorry" and four more
mes-
        sages from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen
        Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."

lifehair.jpg Life Saver Dude: Nice do, dude! We're not one of those hair replacement programs that is hung up on replacing hair with hair

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 11, 2018: Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –  the
week's headlines
:

Natalie Wood case solved, she cheated with Walken and Wagner flew into jealous rage, booze crazed, he yelled 'I want a divorce - get off my boat!' (Examiner); Nancy Pelosi gets makeup tips from RuPaul (Enquirer); Ex-hippies root for FBI (Borowitz Report); Winter Olympics canceled due to inclement weather (Onion)
Re the Natalie Wood case, see also new reports from Variety and CBS' 48 Hours. . . .
Natalie Wood case solved, she cheated with Walken and Wagner flew into jealous rage, booze crazed, he yelled 'I want a divorce - get off my boat!' (Examiner); Nancy Pelosi gets makeup tips from RuPaul (Enquirer); Ex-hippies root for FBI (Borowitz Report); Winter Olympics canceled due to inclement weather (Onion)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/4/18 @14:23 PST:
What – no Lifesaver Man??
He's back!    – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  Wendy.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A 5' 10" Rushville man who once weighed 700 pounds has
dropped to 190  but still is hobbled by the bags of skin that
held the fat. . . .
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

jodybuis.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Jody
                  White, WM, 5'6", 130 lbs, nonsup.; Charles Buis,
                  BM, 5'11", 195 lbs, fraud; Wanted in Berrien
                  County, Michigan: Laurie Marie Miller, WF,
                  embezzlement; Myquele Lechelle Ferguson, BF, ID theft;
                  Brook Alan Lennox, WM, domestic violence (Michiana
                  Crime Stoppers)
jodybuis.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Jody White, WM, 5'6", 130 lbs, nonsup.; Charles Buis, BM, 5'11", 195 lbs, fraud; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Laurie Marie Miller, WF, embezzlement; Myquele Lechelle Ferguson, BF, ID theft; Brook Alan Lennox, WM, domestic violence (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

    thadiass.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Thadias Jack Carpenter, WM, 25, 5'11", 140 lbs, burglary of a dwelling, black spelling; Sarah Elizabeth Cox, WF, 35, 5'0", 110 lbs, last known address Club Soda, theft of a firearm; Michael Myers, WM, 39, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
thadiass.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Thadias Jack Carpenter, WM, 25, 5'11", 140 lbs, burglary of a dwelling, black spelling; Sarah Elizabeth Cox, WF, 35, 5'0", 110 lbs, last known address Club Soda, theft of a firearm; Michael Myers, WM, 39, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
WebHub ranked Kentucky 46th on its list of best states in
which to be single  (
Mississippi, Alabama,  West Virginia
and Arkansas bottomed out the list, in that order).

                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
ginezper.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Eduardo Ginez-Perez, HM,, 29, 5'8", 165 lbs, featured fugitive of the week," 1° sexual abuse victim under 12; Tiffany Davis, WF, 36, 5'5", 155 lbs, she's a bit round, Chelsea Gamboa, WF, 27, 5'5", 140 lbs, she's a bit, but they're no Yorkshire hogs (Overstay at the China Buffet, both; Daquan Mitchell, BM, 21, 5'1", 120 lbs, upside down ears (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
ginezper.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Eduardo Ginez-Perez, HM,, 29, 5'8", 165 lbs, featured fugitive of the week," 1° sexual abuse victim under 12; Tiffany Davis, WF, 36, 5'5", 155 lbs, she's a bit round, Chelsea Gamboa, WF, 27, 5'5", 140 lbs, she's a bit, but they're no Yorkshire hogs (Overstay at the China Buffet, both; Daquan Mitchell, BM, 21, 5'1", 120 lbs, upside down ears (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Credentials of the week:
  Ron Kirby, Jr., C.A.I., A.A.R.E., C.E.S., U.C.M.A., R.L.I.,
                                         Auctioneer/Broker/Realtor,  United Country Heartland
                                         Realty & Auction LLC,  Bowling Green,  Ky.

brittney.jpg . . . and now a 38th way to spell BRITTNEY, Hollister, Pig Diner, Pig KY 42171, not a Yorkshire hog (Tabloid Headlines photo)
brittney.jpg . . . and now a 38th way to spell BRITTNEY, Hollister, Pig Diner, Pig KY 42171, not a Yorkshire hog (Tabloid Headlines photo)

Quotation of the week:
                                        " 'Treason' is not a punch line, Mr. President."
                                                                                                                        – Senator Jeff Flake
Quotation of the weak:

       
"
Enjoy watching Rob Gronkowski (TE) play but if you drink & drive your
         tight end may end up in jail!"                                                                              
                                                                – Kentucky State Police

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"The facts, ma'am,  just the facts:  Women own the largest percentage of
 the wealth of the world.  Men die and leave their money to woman, and
 women die and leave their money to women."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Black Ops.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "Boots on the ground."


Birthdays:
                    February 5:  Roger Staubach, 77
                                        Hank Aaron, 84

                   
February 6: 
Fabian Forte, 75
                                        Elmore Rual "Rip" Torn Jr., 87
                                       
Joan Lucille Olander ("Mamie Van Doren"), 87
                                        Kate McGarrigle (1946-2010)
                    February 7:  Garth Brooks, 56
                                        Erika Brady, 66
                                        Burt Hooton, 68
                    February 8:  Flo, 48
                                        Mary Steenburgen, 65
                                        Carole King, 76
                    February  9:  Mia Farrow, 73
                                         Joe Pesci, 75
                    February 10:  Robert Wagner, 88
                    February 11:  Sarah Palin, 54
                                          Sheryl Crow, 56
                                          Burt Reynolds, 82

                                          John Ellis "JEB" Bush, 65
                                          Sergio Mendes, 77
Deaths:
                John Mahoney (TV's Frasier's dad), 77
               
Joseph Gerald "Jerry" "Geralie" Bowling, 82
               
Andre Gromyka Mitcherelle Jackson, II, 44
                Xedric McNeil, 20
               
Chasidy Loud Molden Phillips, 43
                                                                                     [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
                                              grumpcat.jpg Grumpy Cat  won a $700,000
verdict  in  a  federal  court in
California  over unauthorized
use of her image by the  Gre-
nade beverage company. . . .
A 21-year-old Florida woman said she was forced to flush  her  comfort
hampster
,  Pebbles,  down the toilet by Spirit Airlines. . . . A
ctress Fran-
ces  McDormand
said she was tired of film awards. . . .  California Con-
gresswoman Nancy Pelosi became speaker again when she made  an  8-
hour speech Wednesday on the floor of the House of Representatives. . . .
A #MeToo California Assemblywoman was accused  of  sexual  harass-
ment by a male staffer of an Assemblyman. . . .  Gonzalo Curiel,  the In-
diana-born judge of Mexican ancestry  President  Trump  accused of ra-
cist bias in a case against him,  is now presiding over a case brought by
the state of California challenging the border wall  over  environmental
concerns.
                                                                                [courtesy LEX18, AP]


breeandr.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas - Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week): Bree Leann Hansard, 36, blonde hair green eyes, 130 lbs, 5'8" surety off bond, controlled substances; Andrew David Janssen, 37, brown hair hazel eyes, 180 lbs, 5'10", money laundering
breeandr.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas - Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week): Bree Leann Hansard, 36, blonde hair green eyes, 130 lbs, 5'8" surety off bond, controlled substances; Andrew David Janssen, 37, brown hair hazel eyes, 180 lbs, 5'10", money laundering

                bayljeff.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tesas): Bayley R. Nading, WM (sic), 23, 5'1", 116 lbs, aggravated battery; Jeffery P. Lauless, WM, a/k/a Scrappy, 46, 5'5", 150 lbs, tattoos shoulder, back, left arm, scar left eye, opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Erika Lynn Chaney, WF, 29, 5'5", 120 lbs, injury to a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
bayljeff.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tesas): Bayley R. Nading, WM (sic), 23, 5'1", 116 lbs, aggravated battery; Jeffery P. Lauless, WM, a/k/a Scrappy, 46, 5'5", 150 lbs, tattoos shoulder, back, left arm, scar left eye, opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Erika Lynn Chaney, WF, 29, 5'5", 120 lbs, injury to a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
The sports:
When Jacob Copeland,  a wide receiver for Pensacola's Es-
cambia High School, announced that he would enroll at the
University  of  Florida,  his  mother,  wearing  an  Alabama
sweater and a Tennessee beanie, walked out of the room. . . .

It's called the "Super Bowl"; but, historically, in most years
since 1978, it's been the Supper Bowl.

Yorkshire hog of the week:
                                             huckshir.jpg "He didn't say that" White House Washington a repeat

Dear Eleanor:
I am a grandmother in my 60's.  I was excited to learn about
Facebook  and to start conversing with friends and relatives.
I love seeing all their pictures and videos  and  reading their
statuses and comments.  I always make comments  and give
compliments on their pictures, etc.

But is it wrong for me to be hurt  and  resentful  when some
of
them completely ignore me in return? It is mainly the rel-
atives who do this.   These are the people I have sent checks
to in hard times and for celebratory occasions,  and  it  both-
ers me when I see that they comment to other friends but act
as if I don't exist.


I hate to say anything to them because they would resent me
for it, but it hurts my feelings; and I don't understand the be-
havior.  They act as if it would cost them long-distance mon-
ey to respond to me.

I believe you can find out a lot  about  people  by "friending"
them on Facebook. You discover which ones are really inter-
ested in you,  and which ones simply like to post pictures of
themselves.  It is so self-centered.  What should I do?

                                                                        Hurt in Virginia

Dear Granny:
                            There's a reason some call it "Clutterbook."  You
                            are cluttering their lives with your constant com-
                            ments  and  compliments,  and they are cluttering
                            your life  with the comments you respond to  and
                            your hurt feelings when they don't clutter you.

                            "Self-centered"?  Why  do  you think they named
                            it  "Facebook"?   Forget  about  it,  Granny!   Get
                            your life back.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "kevin lee"
        titled "New mail address now, it's me" (and we saw some-
        thing about "erectile dysfunction" in the synopsis), and two
        more messages from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See
        Stephen Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future  include 
Airwrecka  Mc-
Bride.

lifepeck.jpg Precious: "Will work for food" Life Saver Dude: "Ha, ha! Yeah! I know you! You'll goldbrick for food . . . "
lifepeck.jpg Precious: "Will work for food" Life Saver Dude: "Ha, ha! Yeah! I know you! You'll goldbrick for food . . . "

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



February 4, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the
week's headlines
:

Documents reveal KGB tried to kill Oswald weeks before he murdered JFK (Enquirer); How to chat with your cat (Examiner) the Jan requisite (you know the rules, you cannot run a heardline or an article about a cat without a cute kitten photo); Queen survives assassin's bullet (Globe); 85-year-old's dying confession, 'My husband murdered JonBenet,' had shrine built to her, 'He smiled when I asked if he did it' (Enquirer)
Documents reveal KGB tried to kill Oswald weeks before he murdered JFK (Enquirer); How to chat with your cat (Examiner) the Jan requisite (you know the rules, you cannot run a heardline or an article about a cat without a cute kitten photo); Queen survives assassin's bullet (Globe); 85-year-old's dying confession, 'My husband murdered JonBenet,' had shrine built to her, 'He smiled when I asked if he did it' (Enquirer)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 1/28/18 @18:58 PST:
An "investigation" of about 5 seconds shows that the city
is spelled "Perris" because it is named  after  Fred  Perris,
former chief engineer of the California Southern Railroad,
not the city of Paris.
Was he any kin to George Washington Gale Ferris Jr., the inven-
tor of the Wheel?  Or, perhaps, to Pharis?   Or to Ferris Bueller,
perhaps?

And is the town drunk still known as Plastered of Perris?
                                                                                              – Editor
Dumb news from Indiana
michbegn.jpg
Michael Begn. Jr., 18,  of Jeffersonville, was ar-
rested for molesting 17 children, aged 3 to 7,  at
a YMCA where he worked as a teaching aide. . . .

A Terre Haute motorist who got a ticket for  flipping the bird
to a state trooper who cut him off to stop another driver sued
the cop in federal court for civil rights violation. . . .

Cass County deputy sheriffs shot and killed a man who was
stabbing himself. . . .

Indiana joined Kentucky as the only two states to have ad-
opted a work requirement  for  some  Medicaid  recipients
for drug treatment. . . .

Say's firefly came a step closer to becoming the official In-
diana insect in a state senate committee. . . .

Another senate committee advanced a bill to allow gun ow-
ners with permits to carry guns in churches even if the chur-
ches are on school grounds.
                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]
tomasgon.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Tomas Gonzalez, HM, 5'7", 200 lbs, violation of court order; Clarice Britt, BF, 5'2", 145 lbs, cocaine; Kristina Kendall, 5'6", 170 lbs, meth; Omar Matyas, 5'6", 145 lbs, robbery, thinks he's Pretty Boy Floyd; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Pamela Ann Freeman, WF, larceny in a building by a Yorkshirre hog; Emily Lynn Brewer, WF, felony malicious destruction of property (and men's hearts) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
tomasgon.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Tomas Gonzalez, HM, 5'7", 200 lbs, violation of court order; Clarice Britt, BF, 5'2", 145 lbs, cocaine; Kristina Kendall, 5'6", 170 lbs, meth; Omar Matyas, 5'6", 145 lbs, robbery, thinks he's Pretty Boy Floyd; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Pamela Ann Freeman, WF, larceny in a building by a Yorkshirre hog; Emily Lynn Brewer, WF, felony malicious destruction of property (and men's hearts) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
dancburg.jpg Crime stoppers: Dancing queen steals from business LEX18 Lexington
This dancing burglar performed for the surveillance camera at
a theater in Lexington. . . .
                                                                        [courtesy LEX18]
LMPD officer shot in shooting
                                                   [Louisville Courier-Journal]
brandand.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brandon Thompson, WM, 40, 6'3", 160 lbs, thug; Andrea Slaughter, BF, 36, 5'3", l70 lbs, mug; Laura Morgan, WF, 45, 5'3", 130 lbs, bug; James Mitchell, WM, 29, 5'9", 160 lbs, sap; Dayonte Stewart, BM, 23, 5'5", 125 lbs, thug (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
                               aaronsep.jpg Aaron Pennington, WM, 31, 6'0", full faced fool; September Bonds, WF, 24, 5'3", 120 lbs, tattooed tart   (see what 8 months does to September)
brandand.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brandon Thompson, WM, 40, 6'3", 160 lbs, thug; Andrea Slaughter, BF, 36, 5'3", l70 lbs, mug; Laura Morgan, WF, 45, 5'3", 130 lbs, bug; James Mitchell, WM, 29, 5'9", 160 lbs, sap; Dayonte Stewart, BM, 23, 5'5", 125 lbs, thug (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); aaronsep.jpg Aaron Pennington, WM, 31, 6'0", full faced fool; September Bonds, WF, 24, 5'3", 120 lbs, tattooed tart
Quotation of the week:
                                         "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
                                                                                                                – Mark Twain
Quotation not heard every week lately:
                                                                  "That's exactly right."

                                                                                                         –   Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"As co-founder of the Sunfish Mafia, the Wheat wears many hats.  In our new
  state-of-the-art laboratories, we have developed a blue ribbon award-winning
  strain of marijuana we are high to tell you we call Camel Toe!"
bumpsmaf.jpg Sunfish Mafia, greed never sleeps   – Leonard Simon


Funny beer brands:  Marble Imperial Red Ale.


Unisex name of the week:  Conner.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "Talks."


Redundancies that need a nap:  "reciprocal trade."

alancasy.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Alan Christopher Lawrence, WM, 46, 5'6", 180 lbs injury to a child; retaliation; Casey Leigh Ivey, WF, 24, 5'9", 165 lbs, sexual assault (come to me, Mama!); Hannah Cristine Seekins, 32, 5'2", 140 lbs, injury to a child (be my mama!); Esteban Alexander Acosta, HM, 29, 5'8:", 180 lbs, child endangerment (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
alancasy.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Alan Christopher Lawrence, WM, 46, 5'6", 180 lbs injury to a child; retaliation; Casey Leigh Ivey, WF, 24, 5'9", 165 lbs, sexual assault (come to me, Mama!); Hannah Cristine Seekins, 32, 5'2", 140 lbs, injury to a child (be my mama!); Esteban Alexander Acosta, HM, 29, 5'8:", 180 lbs, child endangerment (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Birthdays:
                    January 29:  Oprah Winfrey, 64
                                         Germaine Greer, 78
                    January 30:  Diva Zappa, 39
                                         Mary Kay Letourneau, 66
                                         Eleanor Smeal, 79
                                         Vanessa Redgrave, 81
                                         Gene Hackman, 88
                    January 31: 
Carol Channing, 97
                    February 1:   Ronda Rousey, 31
                                          Lisa Marie Presley Lockwood, 50
                                          Don Everly, 81

                    February 2:   Red Schoendienst, 95
                                          Farrah Fawcett (1947-2009)
                    February 3:   Retief Goosen, 49
                                          Morgan Fairchild, 68
                    February 4:   Vincent Furnier ("Alice Cooper"), 70

Deaths:
                Oscar Gamble, 68
                Alvin "My Pal Al" Brown, 76
               
Abul Rahman "Kamaal" Ibn Duriyah, 73
               
Martha Elizabeth McCain Hardesty Mattingly, 86
                                                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Yorkshire hog of the week:                                            
                                              houchhog.jpg
                                               [actual weights not disclosed]                Jamie Houchen, Glasgow, Ky.

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Rap 'n' rhythm 'n' blues ran rock 'n' roll out of the  "Grammys." . . .  Of
twin sons born in Canada to the same woman but with different fathers,
a same-sex married couple in Southern California, one is a U.S. citizen
because his father is American but the other is not because his father is
an Israeli with a "green card." . . . A 17-year-old boy(?)
diagnosed with
anxiety, depression and "gender dysphoria" was awaiting court disposi-
tion in Cincinnati, Ohio, between his grandparents and his parents, who
prefer Christian
therapy over hormone therapy. . . .
The   "Tim  Tebow"
bill
,  which would have allowed  home  schoolers  to  compete in inter-
scholastic  athletics,  was defeated in committee  in the Virginia House
of Delegates. . . . Stormy Daniels denied that she had had an affair with
Donald Strump. . . . United Airlines refused to board a comfort peacock
at the Newark, New Jersey, airport. .  .  . Canada made its national anth-
em "gender neutral."
                                                                                [courtesy
LEX18, AP]

virglaus.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Virgle Wayne Barry, 55, brown hair green eyes, 165 lbs, 5' 06", failure to comply with registration requirements; Austen Graham, 21, brown hair & eyes, 250 lbs, 5'9", aggravated robbery; Texima's most wanted fugitives of the week
virglaus.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Virgle Wayne Barry, 55, brown hair green eyes, 165 lbs, 5' 06", failure to comply with registration requirements; Austen Graham, 21, brown hair & eyes, 250 lbs, 5'9", aggravated robbery; Texima's most wanted fugitives of the week
                      hollyray.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Holly Ann Thomas, WF, 22, 5'6", 125 lbs, controlled substances; Ray Anthony Morris, WM, 50, 6'0", 155 lbs, ram tattoo on left arm, domestic battery; Corrina Lee Murray, WF, 30, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary, theft, probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
hollyray.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Holly Ann Thomas, WF, 22, 5'6", 125 lbs, controlled substances; Ray Anthony Morris, WM, 50, 6'0", 155 lbs, ram tattoo on left arm, domestic battery; Corrina Lee Murray, WF, 30, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary, theft, probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
The sports:
A Boston radio announcer called Tom Brady's 5-year-old daugh-
ter "an annoying little pissant." . . .

Ronda Rousey became a wrestler.


Dear Eleanor:
And just why did your Editor put what I said on NPR's Here
& Now show last week in a "quotation of the weak"?

                                                                 Maggie Lake, CNN
Dear ditz:
                    I'm think it must have been your phrase "those kind of
                    changes."  In a mere four words,  you  committed  two
                    grammatical / syntactical  numbers violations.  "Those
                    kind" uses a plural adjective to modify a singular noun,
                    and  "kind of changes"  engages  an unnecessary plural
                    of the noun.   "The kind of change"  would  have  done
                    (no emphatic "this,"that," "these," those" or plural  nec-
                    essary). For that matter "the changes" would have done
                    (no "this,"  no "that,"  no "these,"  no "those,"  no "kind
                    of"  necessary  in the first place).

                    You're one of those people who get paid to talk, right?
                    Maybe you should learn how to talk.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "adrianor"
        titled "Do not be ludicrous," a message from "Amber Baker"
        without a title but with a link to some "voteforme.com" in
        the synopsis, and two more messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other
        notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Diaa Hadid.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor