March 25, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
:

Reba McEntire: My amazing new life, faith & family help her heal after divorce (Examiner); Meghan Markle: Princess in training (Star); Clutterbook gets political & popular clutter for doing what it was designed to (Tabloid Headlines special); Putin concedes defeat in Pennsylvania election (Borowitz Report)
Reba McEntire: My amazing new life, faith & family help her heal after divorce (Examiner); Meghan Markle: Princess in training (Star); Clutterbook gets political & popular clutter for doing what it was designed to (Tabloid Headlines special); Putin concedes defeat in Pennsylvania election (Borowitz Report)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Jay Cory wrote Mon 3/19/18 @08:17 EDT:

Thanks to Steve Yates for clearing that up  It wasn't
a Canada goose after all.  That's why I thought it was
upside down. The Canada goose is black only on top.

Unisex name of the week:  Drew.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A Crawfordsville couple were charged with sexually abusing
the woman's children and pet dog.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

A man jailed in Columbus for throwing chairs at a prosecutor
and a judge in the courtroom threw iron bars from a cell door
at his jailers and then flipped a table in his next court appear-
ance. . . .

A motorist going 160 miles an hour on the Indiana Toll Road
was slowed enough by two semis going side by side  for  po-
lice to catch and ticket him. . . .

A school bus driver in Lebanon was fired
  for  allowing  two
other motorists to board her bus  to scold a student for giving
them the finger.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]

delrecom.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Michael Williams, BM, 6'1", 150 lbs Invasion of privacy, criminal mischief, marijuana, disorderly, trespass; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Karen Marie Delaney, WF, counterfeiting; Delreco Vanness Gillespie, BM, aggravated stalking (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
delrecom.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Michael Williams, BM, 6'1", 150 lbs Invasion of privacy, criminal mischief, marijuana, disorderly, trespass; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Karen Marie Delaney, WF, counterfeiting; Delreco Vanness Gillespie, BM, aggravated stalking (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
tamtanya.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Tammy Gravatt, WF, 45, 5'9", 175 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, robbery 1°; Tanya Slone, WF, 41, 5'4", 120 lbs, abetting robbery 1°, sisters? Kashia Brown, BF, 29, 5'2", refused to help white girls rob a bank; Tamarcus Howard, BM, 19, 6'0", 160 lbs, abetting Kashia (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
tamtanya.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Tammy Gravatt, WF, 45, 5'9", 175 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, robbery 1°; Tanya Slone, WF, 41, 5'4", 120 lbs, abetting robbery 1°, sisters? Kashia Brown, BF, 29, 5'2", refused to help white girls rob a bank; Tamarcus Howard, BM, 19, 6'0", 160 lbs, abetting Kashia (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

A receipt at Little Caesar's Pizza in Versailles identified two
customers as "BLACK GUYS."
                                                                   
[courtesy LEX18]

Louisville students planning to march for gun control were
told they might have to pay $8,400 for security.

                                                   [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A jury in Lexington found an Indiana nurse not guilty of
murder by reason of insanity of a 6-year-old boy he stab-
bed to death  and of burglary
for entering the boy's home
in Versailles, Ky., to do so
but "guilty but mentally ill" of
assault  for simultaneously attacking the boy's sisters and
father,  and sentenced him to 20 years in prison.

                                                    [courtesy Herald-Leader]

Quotation of the week:
                                        "Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its
                                          own punishment."
                                                                              – Hannah Moore
Quotation of the weak:

            "This man was shot 20 times by two police officers.  He was actually in his grandmother's
               back yard, where he is currently living."
                                                                                  – Frances Wang, ABC-10 (the man was killed)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"God loves America, but not Donald Trump."
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  Hop JuJu.


Birthdays:
                    March 19:  Harvey Weinstein, 66
                                      Ursula Andress, 82
                                      Wyatt Earp (1848-1929)
                                       Dr. Livingstone (we presume, 1813-1873)
                    March 20:  Holly Hunter, 60
                                       Carl Palmer, of Emerson, Lake and, 68
                                       Ranger Doug, 72
                                       Carl Reiner, 96
                    March 21:  Ananda Lewis, 45
                                       Rosie O'Donnell, 56
                                       Solomon Burke (1940-2010)
                    March 22:  Andrew Lloyd Webber, 70
                                       Billy Collins, 77
                                       William Shatner, 87
                                       Pat Robertson, 88
                    March 23:  Rex Tillerson, 66
                                       Gail Goodrich, 75
                                       Jeronimo de Bosch Kemper (1808-1876)
                                       K'inich Janaab' Pakal, Ajaw of the Palenque [603-683]
                    March 24:  Peyton Manning, 42
                                       Jesus Alou, 75
                    March 25:  Danica Patrick, 36
                                       Reginald Kenneth Dwight ("Elton John"), 71
                                       Aretha Franklin, 76
                                       Gloria Steinem, 84
                                       Bonnie "Guitar" Buckingham, 95
Deaths:
                Sudan the northern white rhino, 45
                Queen Latifah's mother


The sports:
David Padgett, a protegé of Rick Pitino who took
over as coach of the University of Louisville bas-
ketball team  after  Pitino  was fired in the Adidas
scandal,  was  fired  after one partial season and a
loss to Mississippi State in the National Invitation
Tournament.


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
United Airlines committed its third dog mistake in a week, packing one
on a flight from New Jersey  to St. Louis,  Missouri,  when it should've
been shipped to Akron, Ohio,  resulting in the flight  (of human passen-
gers, mainly)  to be diverted to Akron.   Earlier a dog died after a flight
attendant insisted it be stowed overhead, and another dog was mistake-
nly put on a flight to Japan (he was flown back to Kansas, where he be-
longed, on a private plane).   And  now  the flight attendant tells us she
did not realize there was a dog in the container,  which was designed to
fit under an airliner seat. . . . A  teacher  of a public safety class in Sea-
side,  California,  discharged his gun accidentally,  wounding a student.
. . .
A "resource officer" accidentally fired his gun at a middle school in
Alexandria, Virginia,  during school hours. . . . An 83-year-old woman
in Waterboro,  Maine,  named Jesus Christ sent a letter to  Oprah  Win-
frey encouraging her candidacy for President. . . .
A  French  judge  is-
sued an arrest warrant for a Saudi Arabian princess who instructed her
body guard to punch her plumber.
. . . A self-driven Ubermobile struck
and killed a woman walking across the street (but not in a marked cros-
sing)  in Tempe,  Arizona. . . . National Public Radio's Morning Edition
of March 21, 2018, set a new  record  for  ignorance. . . . A woman was
arrested in North Carolina after posting a  video  on  Clutterbook  Face-
book  of her baby smoking dope. . . . Paris Hilton (remember her?) lost
her $2 million engagement ring while dancing at a night club in Miami,
Florida (but it was found a few minutes later in an ice bucket).

                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

wacowica.jpg Wanted in Waco: Deshawn Slaughter, BM, 29, 5'7", 185 lbs, unauthorized absence (escape); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): emily Renea Landwehr, WF, 21, 5'7", 110 lbs, pitchfork tattoo on cheek, prob. viol. contr. subst.; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Corbyn Mills, WM, 19, 5'6", 140 lbs, acne, sexual assault of a child (City of Waco, Sedgwick County Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)
wacowica.jpg Wanted in Waco: Deshawn Slaughter, BM, 29, 5'7", 185 lbs, unauthorized absence (escape); Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): emily Renea Landwehr, WF, 21, 5'7", 110 lbs, pitchfork tattoo on cheek, prob. viol. contr. subst.; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Corbyn Mills, WM, 19, 5'6", 140 lbs, acne, sexual assault of a child (City of Waco, Sedgwick County Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)

regchris.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas): Regina Belknap, WF, 45, blond hair, brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'2", violation of probation, DWI w/3 or more convictions; Christina Hernandez, 36, black hair brown eyes, 165 lbs, 5'2", surety off bond, possession of controlled substance
lynrdskn.jpg Leonard Skinner, 30, brown hair brown eyes, 200 lbs, 5'9", violation of probation, aggravated assault (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, as of March 16, 2018, call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed & dangerous)
regchris.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas): Regina Belknap, WF, 45, blond hair, brown eyes, 125 lbs, 5'2", violation of probation, DWI w/3 or more convictions; Christina Hernandez, 36, black hair brown eyes, 165 lbs, 5'2", surety off bond, possession of controlled substance; lynrdskn.jpg Leonard Skinner, 30, brown hair brown eyes, 200 lbs, 5'9", violation of probation, aggravated assault (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, as of March 16, 2018, call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed & dangerous)


Dear Eleanor:
I have been married 14 years and have two children. The first
three years of marriage were great.  We both cared for and re-
spected each other.  Then he began raping me.  No one knows
this except an ex-sister-in-law.

The only reason I have stayed this long is for my children.  Is
there hope he will change?
                                                               Sleeping on the Couch
Dear Couch Potato:
                                        So,  why did he have to start raping you?
                                        Did you quit "giving it up"?

                                        And what, pray, is "an ex-sister-in-law"?

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "bau@robert.com.de"
        titled "Did u know - millions of clients have not heard of this strong
        anti-impotence solution?" and three more
messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifications
        you've missed
."


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook
        in the last week included Valerie Simbiso Mutasa, SEnja Hadie
        WaLoejo, Nakasujja Rehemah, Memory Chautsi, Emelia N Sik-
        azwe, Netsai Devissone Tambama,
Amanya Rita and Atik Fau-
        zia.


lifechri.jpg Life Saver Dude: Maybe you should try a cross . . .

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Mikaela Shiffrin.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 18, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
:

FBI raids Scientology celebrity center (Globe); Two wrecks closes three lanes (LEX18); Proof CIA ordered RFK murder,, Sirhan a brainwashed stooge, 2nd shooter identified (Globe); William & Kaate crowned king & queen, secret succession plot dethrones Charles (Enquirer)
FBI raids Scientology celebrity center (Globe); Two wrecks closes three lanes (LEX18); Proof CIA ordered RFK murder,, Sirhan a brainwashed stooge, 2nd shooter identified (Globe); William & Kaate crowned king & queen, secret succession plot dethrones Charles (Enquirer)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Stephen Yates wrote Sun 3/11/18 @09:22 CDT:
I hate to break this to you two, but that was no
goose;  it was a crane.  Don't take the name of
the crane in vane.

Unisex name of the week:  Craig.


Dumb news from Indiana:



          Derrick Faria, 19, was
          arrested  in Evansville,
          said  to  have  taken  a
          taxicab  to and from  a
          bank robbery. . . .
derrickf.jpg
The words "herein," "hereafter," "hereinafter"  and "his"
would be replaced in certain statutes under a bill passed
unanimously by the state legislature. . . .

A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Greenfield after a wri-
ting threatening a school shooting was traced to him. . . .

A Blackford County circuit judge who barred a clerk from
the Courthouse for six days was suspended for six days.

                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]
brandons.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Brrandon Sugg, WM, 24, 5'7", 135 lbs, child molesting; South Bend's: Brandon Yazel, WM, 5'11", 140 lbs, heroin; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Devontae Germain Jones, BM, assault w/a dangerous weapon, larceny in a building; Ishmael Kwakou Dixon, BM, assault w/a dangerous weapon, stolen credit card; Ashley Camille Allen, BF, assault w/a dangerous weapon (Wabash Valley, Michiana Crime Stoppers)
brandons.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Brrandon Sugg, WM, 24, 5'7", 135 lbs, child molesting; South Bend's: Brandon Yazel, WM, 5'11", 140 lbs, heroin; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Devontae Germain Jones, BM, assault w/a dangerous weapon, larceny in a building; Ishmael Kwakou Dixon, BM, assault w/a dangerous weapon, stolen credit card; Ashley Camille Allen, BF, assault w/a dangerous weapon (Wabash Valley, Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Edil Levis Gonzalez pleaded not guilty to traffic  in  stolen
identities in Edmonson County District Court.

                                                   [courtesy Edmonson News]

A middle school student reported to be carrying a  hit  list
was removed from a school bus in Edmonson County, but
no list was found.
                                                  [courtesy Edmonson Voice]

A billboard advertising a gun show in Louisville was draped
with  17  crosses  bearing the names of  the  Florida  school
shooting victims.
                                              [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

Seven persons were shot inside a night club  in  the  Park-
land
  neighborhood  of Louisville. . . .

A 26-year-old man and his 28-year-old sister were among
six persons indicted in Grayson County for incest. . . .

Governor Selfie
"tweeted" "#FAKENEWS" to dismiss ques-
tions about his purchase of a home from a supporte
r. . . .

A self-anointed-appointed  legislative  chaplain  invited  sena-
tors and representatives to a Bible study in a government buil-
ding about "Why the President is righteous  and  those against
him are wicked."
                                                                     
[courtesy LEX18]

erickimb.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Eric Cannaday, BM, 19, unauthorized use of Olympic ice skater's ID; Kimberly Hill, WF, 42, 5'3", 123 lbs, unauthorized presence on Earth (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
erickimb.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Eric Cannaday, BM, 19, unauthorized use of Olympic ice skater's ID; Kimberly Hill, WF, 42, 5'3", 123 lbs, unauthorized presence on Earth (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the week:
                                        "Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back."                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Boswell Rabbitsmith
Quotation of the weak:
                                            
"To Katy Perry, please stop."
                                                                                              
Sister Catherine Rose Holzman

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Jesus loves even Donald Trump and the United States
  of America."
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  Bodhi.


Birthdays:
                    March 12:  James Taylor, 70
                                       Liza Minnelli, 72
                                       Andrew Young, 86
                    March 13:  Neil Sedaka, 79
                    March 14:  Maurice Joseph Micklewhite ("Michael Caine"), 85
                                       Quincy Jones, 85
                    March 15:  Ryland Cooder, 71
                                       Sylvester Stewart ("Sly Stone"), 75
                                       R
uth Bader Ginsburg, 85
                                       Saint Nicholas (270-343)
                    March 16:  Nancy Wilson, 64 (this Nancy Wilson, not that one)
                                       Jerry Jeff Walker, 76
                    March 17:  Mia Hamm, 46
                                       John Sebastian, 74
                    March 18:  Dana Elaine Owens ("Queen Latifah"), 48
                                       Geronimo Berroa, 53
                                       Irene Cara Escalara, 59
Deaths:
                Louise Slaughter, 88
                Stephen Hawking
, 76
                Purple Nicole Mitchell, 52
                Lois Eileen Briick Woock, 91
                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]

         jessibob.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Jessica Elaine Perkins, WF, 29, 5'6", 210 lbs, injury to a child, Yorkshire hog of the week runner-up; Bobby Herrera, HM, 32, 5'8", 300 lbs, endanger a child; Delores Denise Rodriguez, HF, 26, 4'11", 250 lbs, endanger a child, Yorkshire hog of the week; April Yvonne Cortez, HF, 30, 4'11", 160 lbs, endanger a child; Sedero Valadez, HM, 30, 5'7", 150 lbs, indecency with a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
jessibob.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Jessica Elaine Perkins, WF, 29, 5'6", 210 lbs, injury to a child, Yorkshire hog of the week runner-up; Bobby Herrera, HM, 32, 5'8", 300 lbs, endanger a child; Delores Denise Rodriguez, HF, 26, 4'11", 250 lbs, endanger a child, Yorkshire hog of the week; April Yvonne Cortez, HF, 30, 4'11", 160 lbs, endanger a child; Sedero Valadez, HM, 30, 5'7", 150 lbs, indecency with a child (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
An 89-year-old nun involved in a lawsuit trying to prevent Katy Perry's
purchase of a convent collapsed during her court appearance  and  died.
. . .  The National People's Congress of China voted 2,958 to 2 in favor
of removing presidential term limits.  .  .  .  A study found that it took a
true statement about six times as long as  a  falsehood  to be read by 1,-
500 people on Tweeter Twitter
.  .  .  .  The license of a night club in Mi-
ami,  Florida,  was revoked after a stunt in which a white horse was led
in carrying a man and a scantily clad woman, and it bucked the woman
off as it fell to the floor  (there's video!). . . . James Levine,  musical di-
rector of the Metropolitan Opera for more than 40 years,  was fired  for
sexual abuse and harassment of boys, and sued the Met for defamation.
.  .  .  An American Idol contestant who was kissed on the lips by judge
Katy Perry said he didn't like it but did not feel sexually harassed.

                                                                [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]

nichnata.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Nicholas Dwayne Leach, WM, 38, 6'2", 150 lbs, probation violation for ; Wanted in Waco: Natalia Lozano, HF, 38, 5'10", 210 lbs, probation violation on theft; Angel Menendez, HF, 39, 5'2", 120 lbs, probation violation, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Waco police department)
nichnata.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Nicholas Dwayne Leach, WM, 38, 6'2", 150 lbs, probation violation for ; Wanted in Waco: Natalia Lozano, HF, 38, 5'10", 210 lbs, probation violation on theft; Angel Menendez, HF, 39, 5'2", 120 lbs, probation violation, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Waco police department)

latiesha.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Latesha M. Brown, 29, brown hair green eyes, 200 lbs, 5'7", violation of probation, manufacture/delivery of controlled substance; Iesha Marie Escalante, 21, brown hair & eyes, 200 lbs, 5'8", bond forfeiture, theft from person (Texas Crime Stoppers)
   texlandn.jpg Landon Jacob Ponce, 20,, brown hair & eyes, 134 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, burglary of habitation; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of March 9, 2018; call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips)
latiesha.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Latesha M. Brown, 29, brown hair green eyes, 200 lbs, 5'7", violation of probation, manufacture/delivery of controlled substance; Iesha Marie Escalante, 21, brown hair & eyes, 200 lbs, 5'8", bond forfeiture, theft from person (Texas Crime Stoppers); texlandn.jpg Landon Jacob Ponce, 20,, brown hair & eyes, 134 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, burglary of habitation; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, wanted as of March 9, 2018; call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips)

The sports:

Bankers Life Fieldhouse,  formerly Conseco Fieldhouse,
home of the Indiana Pacers and the state high school bas-
ketball tournament in Indianapolis since 1999,  is getting
a new name. . . .

            raneemp03.jpg F/6'3" 1 Aramie Niang,Rufisque, Senegal; G/5'6" 3 Sidnee Bopp, Marmaduke, Arkansas; F/6'1" 4 Dee Givens, Lexington, Kentucky; G/5'8" 5 Whitney Creech raneem04.jpg F/6'1" 10 Tashia Brown, Lake Park, Georgia; G 5'9" 11 Alexis Brewer, Buffalo, Kentucky; G 5'5" 12, Nichel Tampa, Alpharetta, Georgia; F 6'4", 15, Raneem Elgedawy, Alexandria, Egypt
          raneem01.jpg raneem02.jpg

The opponent is Angela Vendrell of the
University of Alabama at Birmingham


         Basketball hotties,
Western Kentucky University




They won't be on  TV  because Oregon
State beat them in the first round of the
NCAA women's tournament, 82-58
raneemp03.jpg F/6'3" 1 Aramie Niang,Rufisque, Senegal; G/5'6" 3 Sidnee Bopp, Marmaduke, Arkansas; F/6'1" 4 Dee Givens, Lexington, Kentucky; G/5'8" 5 Whitney Creech; raneem04.jpg F/6'1" 10 Tashia Brown, Lake Park, Georgia; G 5'9" 11 Alexis Brewer, Buffalo, Kentucky; G 5'5" 12, Nichel Tampa, Alpharetta, Georgia; F 6'4", 15, Raneem Elgedawy,  Alexandria, Egypt

pivec03.jpg guard 6'0" 22 Kat Tudor, sophomore, Woodbridge, Calif.; guard 5'7" 24 Destiny Slocum sophomore, Meridian, Idaho; guard 5'8" 25 Taylor Kalmer, junior, Chandler, Ariz.; center 6'5", 27 Marie Gulich, senior, Cologne, Germany
           Basketball hotters,
    Oregon State University
They won't be  on  TV,  either,  unless they
make it to the final four; but you may be a-
ble to see them play Tennessee in the 2nd
round at 2 p.m. today on an ESPN channel.
And if you can find out which channel  and
where they're playing, from schedules and
brackets on the internet,  you're doing bet-
ter than we are.

pivec02.jpg center 6'8" 11 Joanna Grymek, junior, Krakow, Poland; forward 6'2" 13 Janessa Thropay, sophomore, Chino, Calif.; guard 5'10" 0 Mikayla Pivec sophomore, Lynnwood, Wash.


gulich01.jpg
pivec03.jpg guard 6'0" 22 Kat Tudor, sophomore, Woodbridge, Calif.; guard 5'7" 24 Destiny Slocum sophomore, Meridian, Idaho; guard 5'8" 25 Taylor Kalmer, junior, Chandler, Ariz.; center 6'5", 27;  Marie Gulich, senior, Cologne, Germany; pivec02.jpg center 6'8" 11 Joanna Grymek, junior, Krakow, Poland; forward 6'2" 13 Janessa Thropay, sophomore, Chino, Calif.; guard 5'10" 0 Mikayla Pivec sophomore, Lynnwood, Wash.

Dear Eleanor:

My 3-year-old daughter's best friend at day care is a boy. They
have been together since they were little babies and are insepa-
rable.    His family and some of the nursery staff have encoura-
ged the idea that they are "boy friend" and "girl friend."  When
we went to his birthday party  even  his  extended  family  said,
"Oh, you’re Sally’s mom,  his little girl friend!"   I know this is
fairly common the way people talk about children,  but  I  think
it's creepy and weird.  I've let it slide because my daughter calls
George her "best friend,"  not her boy friend;  so I didn't worry.
But today she came home with his valentine – proper enough –
but with a chocolate rose. Everyone thought it was so cute.

I'm at a loss.  I feel  rude  not thanking his parents for sending a
little gift,  but I'm torn between thinking it's harmless and being
blown away by how weird it is.  I don't know if there's any way
to react without being that parent.  I don't see George's parents,
but I do have his mom's phone number.    Do just I ignore this?
Is there anything I could or should say?

                                                                            Toddler's mom
Dear ditz:
                      Nah.  Ignore it.  He'll knock her up soon enough.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Imelda Farao"
        titled "uncontaminated proffer" and five more
messages from
        "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message
        and other notifications you've missed
."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Ira Glass and Ira
Flatow.

       lifephnx.jpg Life Saver Dude: Oh! this is the Phoenix rising over Silent Grove . . .
lifephnx.jpg Life Saver Dude: Oh! this is the Phoenix rising over Silent Grove . . .

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 11, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in  the  supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
:

THE OLYMPICS WERE RIGGED (Globe); Kim Jong-un admits he set Trump up in order to meet Stormy Daniels (Borowitz Report); Debbie Reynolds' lesbian loves exposed (Enquirer); Prince Harry's romance with Hillary Duff (Enquirer); Torture and punishment, Tom's Scientology bride tells all, what she and others told FBI, 'I saw terrible abuses in the church (Star)
THE OLYMPICS WERE RIGGED (Globe); Kim Jong-un admits he set Trump up in order to meet Stormy Daniels (Borowitz Report); Debbie Reynolds' lesbian loves exposed (Enquirer); Prince Harry's romance with Hillary Duff (Enquirer); Torture and punishment, Tom's Scientology bride tells all, what she and others told FBI, 'I saw terrible abuses in the church (Star)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Jay Cory wrote Weds 3/7/18 @08:13 EST:
I loved the Canada goose pic; but unless the goose was
flying upside down, this picture was taken from above.
In that case not only was the entire earth missed in the
picture,  but this makes the goose flying at around 40,-
000 feet.  I know they like the cold,  but,  jeesh!    I'm
calling this one Photoshop.

As for Atchison as President, if the VP could not have
actually been President until he was sworn in; then un-
less  Atchison  was  sworn  in,  he  couldn' t have been
President either.  If Atchison was President just because
he was No. 3 in line, then the VP was also just because
he was No. 2.  So, was Atchison given the oath?

Nah!  But a technicality like that can mess up a good story.  And
remember,  there was no Vice President on March 4, 1844.   The
previous one's term had eneded the day before, and the Vice Pres-
ident-Elect might  not even  have  been  in  town  yet.  And Atchi-
son had been sworn in as a senator.

As for the goose,  he looks right side up to us.  We're viewing
from below; we think we see his belly.  And,  by the way,  it's
"Jeesh!",  not  "jeesh!"   Don't take the Lord's name  in  lower
case.
                – Editor

Unisex name of the week:  June (no specific citation for the man; just think of
                                            all the men known as Junior called June for short).


Dumb news from Indiana:
Someone shot 90 snow geese and dumped them in a pond
in Porter County.

A bald eagle underwent surgery for a  broken  humerus  in
Fort Wayne.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

krishurl.jpg South Bend's most wanted: William Mitchell, WM, 6'3", 235 lbs, meth; Kristin Hurley, WF, 5'7", 130 lbs, receiving stolen prop.; Aily Brooks, WF, 5' 4", 150 lbs, DUI x2; Adam Brreden, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, escape; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Christopher Thomas Albright, WM, assault w/dang. weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
krishurl.jpg South Bend's most wanted: William Mitchell, WM, 6'3", 235 lbs, meth; Kristin Hurley, WF, 5'7", 130 lbs, receiving stolen prop.; Aily Brooks, WF, 5' 4", 150 lbs, DUI x2; Adam Brreden, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, escape; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Christopher Thomas Albright, WM, assault w/dang. weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

The state Department of Natural Resources proposed a sea-
son for hunting and trapping bobcats, which were removed
from the endangered species list in 2005  (we presume that
it would include University of Kentucky Wildcats). . . .

Dion Douglas, who pleaded guilty in 2009 to felony theft  in
Madison County, announced his candidacy for Congress (In-
iana law prohibits felons from holding state office, but feder-
al law allows them in Congress).
                                                              [Columbus Republic]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The state senate passed a bill to set the minimum marriage age
at 18, or 17 with the consent of a parent and a judge  (the pres-
ent minimum age is 13).  A similar bill was tabled  in  Tennes-
see.  And meanwhile, in France. . . .

Court documents suggest that the 15-year-old boy who shot up
Marshall County High School,  killing  two  other  pupils  and
wounding 17 more persons, did so because he felt that life was
becoming monotonous,  and viewed the incident as an  experi-
ment
. . . .

The Kentucky State Police warned a newspaper and a radio sta-
tion
not to report on its investigations  before  receiving  a state
police news release, under threat of being taken off the agency's
media distribution list.

Montgomery  Gentry  will play a concert in Lexington  without
Gentry.
                                                                         
[courtesy LEX18]
emilsher.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Emily Whitaker, WF, 33, 5'6", 130 lbs, up to something; Deonte Gaines, BM, 23, 5'10", 150 lbs, trafficking in heroin; Sheri Phillips, WF, 28, 5'8", 240 lbs, Yorkshire hog of the week (but she's on a diet; she weighed 30i0 lbs last summer) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
emilsher.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Emily Whitaker, WF, 33, 5'6", 130 lbs, up to something; Deonte Gaines, BM, 23, 5'10", 150 lbs, trafficking in heroin; Sheri Phillips, WF, 28, 5'8", 240 lbs, Yorkshire hog of the week (but she's on a diet; she weighed 30i0 lbs last summer) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the week:
                                        "Don't fuck with me, girls."
                                                                                              Rodrigo Duterte

Quotation of the weak:

       
"
Whilst Britain will be withdrawing from the European Union, we will not be, clearly, withdrawing
         from Europe either geographically or otherwise
“I think we’ve made it absolutely clear that, whilst Britain will be withdrawing from the European Union, we will not be, clearly, withdrawing from Europe either geographically or otherwise,

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/minister-confirms-britain-will-not-leave-europe-geographically/
“I think we’ve made it absolutely clear that, whilst Britain will be withdrawing from the European Union, we will not be, clearly, withdrawing from Europe either geographically or otherwise,

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/minister-confirms-britain-will-not-leave-europe-geographically/
“I think we’ve made it absolutely clear that, whilst Britain will be withdrawing from the European Union, we will not be, clearly, withdrawing from Europe either geographically or otherwise,

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/news/politics/minister-confirms-britain-will-not-leave-europe-geographically/."                                                                              She
."
                                                                                               
"Brexit" minister David Jones

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                                  "Exactly. . . . That's exactly right."

                                                                                                                                         –   Shankar Vedantam
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Jesus loves you, but not your Chevy."
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  Iron Horse.



Birthdays:
                    March 5:   Del Crandall, 88
                                      Maria do Carmo Geronimo (1871-2000)
                    March 6:  Pauline Matthews ("Kiki Dee"), 71
                                     Alan Greenspan, 92
                    March 7:   Janet Guthrie, 79
                    March 8:   Margaret Annemarie Battavio ("Little Peggy March"), 69
                                      Jim Bouton, 78
                    March 9:   Robin Trower, 73
                                      Mickey Gilley, 82
                                      Lloyd Price, 85
                                      Dorothy Keely ("Keely Smith," 1928-2017)
                    March 10: 
Edie Brickell, 52
                                       Prince Edward, 54 (now ninth in line)
                                       Chuck Norris, 78
                                       Leon Bismarck "Bix" Beiderbecke (1903-1931)
                    March 11: 
César Gerónimo, 70
                                       Sam Donaldson, 84

                                       Rupert Murdoch, 87

Deaths:
                Roger Bannister, 88
                William Henry Trotter Bush, 79
                David Ogden Stiers, 75
                Thomas Edward "Precious" Gallalee, 83
                                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

                                              
Borf 's weekly BONUS:  
                                mcdsarch.jpg
This McDonald's in Lynwood,  California, flip
ped its arches Thurs-
day in celebration of Inter
national Women's Day.  . . .  Amazon's e-
gal Alexa has been laughing off her users on some e-gadgets.  .  .  .
Frances McDormand's Oscar was stolen. . . . The "Screenholder" is
a new shower curtain with pockets for your phone and  your I-Pad.
. . .  China banned internet searches for images of Winnie the Pooh
(likened to President
Xi Jinping)  and the letter  N  (used in mathe-
matical formulae to express the number of Xi's terms in office,  e.-
g., "
N>2." . . . France established 15 as its first  "age  of  consent,"
below which it's statutory rape. . . .  The  phrase  "dumpster   fire,"
meaning "
an utterly calamitous or mismanaged situation or occur-
rence,"  was added to Merriam-Webster dictionaries.   Along  with
"embiggen." . . . Daylight Stupid Time resumed today.

                                                         [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]

draykian.jpg Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Dray Wagner Pendleton, WM, 27, 6'0", 160 lbs, burglary, "So what?"; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kiana Nicole Crain, BF, 24, 5'2", 135 lbs, endanger a child, "Glad to be here!"; Angelica Maria Harden, HF, 32, 5'1", 120 lbs, robbery, "Not so happy about it"; Suzana Vargas, HF, 33, 5'1", 150 lbs, money laundering, "I can handle it"; Phoc Van Tran, AM, 38, a/k/a "Vinny," 38, 5'4", 140 lbs, arson, "I'm confused" (Tom Green County Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)
draykian.jpg Wanted in Tom Green County, Texas: Dray Wagner Pendleton, WM, 27, 6'0", 160 lbs, burglary, "So what?"; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Kiana Nicole Crain, BF, 24, 5'2", 135 lbs, endanger a child, "Glad to be here!"; Angelica Maria Harden, HF, 32, 5'1", 120 lbs, robbery, "Not so happy about it"; Suzana Vargas, HF, 33, 5'1", 150 lbs, money laundering, "I can handle it"; Phoc Van Tran, AM, 38, a/k/a "Vinny," 38, 5'4", 140 lbs, arson, "I'm confused" (Tom Green County Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)


stacyant.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Stacy Bracken, 28, blonde hair blue eyes, 120 lbs, 5'3", burglary of habitation, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; Antreka Rucker, 23, black hair, brown eyes, 130 lbs, 5'5", surety off bond, forgery
        jirehnla.jpg Wanted as of January 5, 2018, call Crime Stoppers, 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed and dangerous; Jirehn Lamarr Curtis, 21, black hair brown eyes, 130 lbs, 6'0", PR bond canceled, traffic of person u/18 yrs, prostitution, forced labor
stacyant.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Stacy Bracken, 28, blonde hair blue eyes, 120 lbs, 5'3", burglary of habitation, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; Antreka Rucker, 23, black hair, brown eyes, 130 lbs, 5'5", surety off bond, forgery; jirehnla.jpg Wanted as of January 5, 2018, call Crime Stoppers, 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest, these fugitives should be considered armed and dangerous; Jirehn Lamarr Curtis, 21, black hair brown eyes, 130 lbs, 6'0", PR bond canceled, traffic of person u/18 yrs, prostitution, forced labor

                xiomaral.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Xiomara Lucrecia Milton, BF, 34, a/k/a Xiomara Melton, Xiomara Morris, 5'7", 140 lbs, tattoo "Xiomere" on right arm, scar on right elbow, possession of opiates; Jeremia Sheldon Thatcher, WM, 40, a/k/a X, JT, Allen Wayne Mcmaster, 5'7", 170 lbs, tattoos red star, neck (right), writing (left), star on chest, leprechaun on right arm, burglary, theft; Audrey Lynn Doornbos, WF, 29, a/k/a Audrey Griffin, 5'6", 203 lbs, abuse of child, Yorkshire hog of the week runner-up (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
xiomaral.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Xiomara Lucrecia Milton, BF, 34, a/k/a Xiomara Melton, Xiomara Morris, 5'7", 140 lbs, tattoo "Xiomere" on right arm, scar on right elbow, possession of opiates; Jeremia Sheldon Thatcher, WM, 40, a/k/a X, JT, Allen Wayne Mcmaster, 5'7", 170 lbs, tattoos red star, neck (right), writing (left), star on chest, leprechaun on right arm, burglary, theft; Audrey Lynn Doornbos, WF, 29, a/k/a Audrey Griffin, 5'6", 203 lbs, abuse of child, Yorkshire hog of the week runner-up (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
My  wife  and  I  were elated to find out we are going to have
a daughter!  We decided last week to discuss names,  and  we
gave each other three days to prepare our ideas.   I spent a ton
of time on this and even put together a presentation with each
name and the reasons I liked it.  I chose  some  family  names
and some names from literature and the arts. My wife showed
up with a few names scribbled on the back of a grocery list as
if she cared!

And her ideas were trashy misspelled names like Lauryn, and
Bethonie,  and 18th century Presidents' names  like  Madison,
Taylor,  and  Polk.  This episode has me questioning the foun-
dation  of  our  relationship,  let alone raising a child together.
Obviously I can’t just leave  now  because I am committed to
the child,  but  how  can my wife and I get past this major red
flag?  I have tried to discuss it with her,  and she doesn’t even
think she has done anything wrong.  We are at an impasse.

                                                                 Baby Name Blow-Up
Dear Blowhard:  What has she done wrong?

                              And don't you mean  19th  century,  not 18th?  I
                              kinda like the Presidents' names, especially Polk.
                              You could call her Annie for a nickname.  If that
                              doesn't  suit   you,  put  Britenny,  Keightlin  and
                              Kortny  in  a  hat;  and each of you draw  one  of
                              them  out,  blindfolded.  The one left  in  the  hat
                              will be the girl's name.


Unopened e-mail last week included five more messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."


lifewolf.jpg Life Saver Dude: A man and his wolf?
lifewolf.jpg Life Saver Dude: A man and his wolf?

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Dominique Maria
Bonessi.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



March 4, 2018: Things you would never know if you did not browse the tabloids
while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket  –  the week's head-
lines
:

Harry rocked on eve of wedding, Meghan & Matt's dressing room hookup, new NBC scandal (Enquirer); Mary-Kate Olsen pregnant, sister Ashley terrified she wan't matter any more (Star); Magic Dolly quits country, new health crisis (Examiner)
Harry rocked on eve of wedding, Meghan & Matt's dressing room hookup, new NBC scandal (Enquirer); Mary-Kate Olsen pregnant, sister Ashley terrified she wan't matter any more (Star); Magic Dolly quits country, new health crisis (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Malachi wrote Sun 2/25/18 @09:37 CST:
Raise the rifle-buying age to 21?  How about 120?
Then we might be protecting people.

Unisex name of the week:  George.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A dog thrown into a trash can was rescued from a gar-
bage truck trash compactor by animal control officers
in Fort Wayne.
                                        [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A "quality of life" survey by U.S. News and World Re-
port ranked Indiana 48th among the states, ahead of on-
ly New Jersey and California. . . .

A high school junior in Evansville identified as female
on  "his"  birth certificate but identifying as male  sued
"his"  school  for  discrimination  after a request to use
the bathroom of  "his"  choosing was denied  and  "he"
was directed to the bathroom in the school nurse's off-
ice (and those pronouns are the words of the Indianap-
olis Star, folks).
                                            [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

toriekul.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Torie Kulberg, WM, 6'0", 175 lbs, theft, failure to appear; Adrian Buchana, BM, 6'2", 195 lbs, domestic battery, intimidation, f.t.a.; David Szczypski, WM, 6'1", 230 lbs, criminal recklessness, f.t.a.; Berrien County, Michigan's: Michael Wesley, WM, interfering with electronic communication; Robert Lee Corzine, WM, sex offender failure to register 3d off. (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
toriekul.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Torie Kulberg, WM, 6'0", 175 lbs, theft, failure to appear; Adrian Buchana, BM, 6'2", 195 lbs, domestic battery, intimidation, f.t.a.; David Szczypski, WM, 6'1", 230 lbs, criminal recklessness, f.t.a.; Berrien County, Michigan's: Michael Wesley, WM, interfering with electronic communication; Robert Lee Corzine, WM, sex offender failure to register 3d off. (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Two Democratic state representatives introduced a consti-
tutional amendment  to  abolish the state legislature  "and
vest all legislative power in ALEC [or did they mean Al-
ec Baldwin?],  the Koch Brothers,  and the Kentucky and
U.S. Chambers of Commerce."
                                                  [courtesy L.A. Progressive]

emission.jpg These Tabloid Headlines photos show rather trypical congreations on Sunday morning at the Mission "outreach ministry" - in Brownsville, not in Cedar Springs, which is about 10 miles to the east. But in fairness we must admit we have seen as many as 6 vehicles there. The Mission, an outreach ministry of Community Church at Cedar Springs
wmission.jpg
emission.jpg These Tabloid Headlines photos show rather trypical congreations on Sunday morning at the Mission "outreach ministry" - in Brownsville, not in Cedar Springs, which is about 10 miles to the east. But in fairness we must admit we have seen as many as 6 vehicles there. The Mission, an outreach ministry of Community Church at Cedar Springs

ramseugy.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Ramsey Becksted, WM, 21, 5'5" 150 lbs, too young for crime; Eugenia Keens, WM(sic), 46, 5'6", 110 lbs, too old for crime; Jessica Hudson, WF, 29, 5'1", 135 lbs, too pretty for crime; Britane Webb, WF, 26, 5'3", 170 lbs (she was 5'6" and 180 lbs only last October, but she's still a Yorkshire hog) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
ramseugy.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Ramsey Becksted, WM, 21, 5'5" 150 lbs, too young for crime; Eugenia Keens, WM(sic), 46, 5'6", 110 lbs, too old for crime; Jessica Hudson, WF, 29, 5'1", 135 lbs, too pretty for crime; Britane Webb, WF, 26, 5'3", 170 lbs (she was 5'6" and 180 lbs only last October, but she's still a Yorkshire hog) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis published a book, Under
God's Authority: The Kim Davis Story.

                                                                  [courtesy LEX18]
Dumb history from Kentucky:
Senator David Rice Atchison  of Kentucky,  for whom the
city of Atchison, Kansas, is named (and therefore also the
Atchison, Topeka, and the Santa Fe Railroad),  was  presi-
dent pro tem of the United States Senate in 1844, who, in
those days, was third in line for the Presidency.  President
James K. Polk's term ended March 3, 1844; and President-
Elect  Zachary Taylor  refused to be sworn in the next day,
March 4, because it was a Sunday. So it has been said that
Senator Atchison was President for a day, until Taylor and
his Vice President, Millard Fillmore, took their oaths of of-
fice on March 5.

Thus Atchison, 41,  was also the youngest President in the
history of the United States,  not only the  shortest  termed.
Exhausted by a hectic schedule,  he said  he  slept  through
most of his presidency;  and he bragged that he had caused
no woman or child to shed a tear by removing anyone from
office during his term.

     [courtesy Sam Terry, managing editor, Edmonson News]

Quotations of the week:
                                          "It's time for the snip – you can't be a father at that age.  Those poor kids."

                                                                Keith Richards to Mick Jagger, who, at 74, had his eighth child

                                    "An unalterable and unquestioned law of music requires that the German  text  of
                                      French opera sung by Swedish sopranos be translated into Italian  for the clearer
                                      understanding of the English-speaking audience."
                                                                                                                            
– Edith Wharton

Quotation of the weak:
                                          "Not that I know of."
                                                                                 Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Classic Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said June 22, 2014):
"I almost got some last night.  I asked this girl, and she said no."

– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Red Angel.

DUMB SONGS we misunderstood:
Blinded by the light,
Wrapped up like a douche in, in
The middle of the night . . . .
bwoogall.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: B Woods, Gallagher
bwoogall.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: B Woods, Gallagher
Birthdays:
                    February 26:  Michael Bolton, 65
                                           Antoine "Fats" Domino (1928-2017)
                    February 27:  Josh Groban, 37
                                           Chelsea Clinton, 38
                                           Charlayne Hunter-Gault, 76
                                           Ralph Nader, 84
                                           Joanne Woodward, 88
                                           Elizabeth Taylor (1932-2011)
                                           Constantine the Great (272-337)
                    February 28:  Bernadette Peters, 70
                                           Mario Andretti, 78
                                           Henry the Young King (1155-1183)
                    March 1:  Justin Bieber, 24
                                     Harry Belafonte, 91
                    March 2:   Howard "Hopalong" Cassady, 84
                                      Tom Wolfe, 87
                                      Mikhail Gorbachev, 87
                                      Robert the Steward (1316-1390)
                    March 3:   Erica Morningstar, 29
                                      Jessica Biel, 36
                                     
Caroline Lee Bouvier Radziwill, 85
                                      Jean Harlow (1911-1937)
                    March 4:   Kim Jung-eun, 44
                                      Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini, 57
                                      Henry the Navigato
r (1394-1460)
Deaths:
                Ensa Cosby, 44
                Treasure Broady, 81
                Dwade Lentz, 87
                Michelle Lee Veneklase, 46 [published Feb. 17 through March 4 in the Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A woman arrested for shoplifting in Corsicana, Texas, shit her pants in
the back of a police car to create stuff in which she could hide her pipe
and crack cocaine. . . . Hope Hicks resigned. . . . The Rev. Sean Moon,
son of the Rev. Sun Myung Moon,  held  an  AR-15  rifle throughout a
"commitment ceremony" at the World Peace and Unification Sanctuary
church in Newfoundland, Pennsylvania, as the congregation, many also
holding AR-15's, drank red wine and exchanged wedding vows. . . . A
social studies teacher barricaded himself in a classroom and discharged
a handgun
in Dalton, Georgia, sending pupils scurrying down hallways
and hunkering down in gymnasium locker rooms. . . .  Hunter  College,
in New York,  has sued for eviction of a girl who has  refused  to  leave
her dormitory room two years after dropping out of school. .  .  . An E-
gyptian pop singer was sentenced to six months in prison for bad-mou-
thing the
River Nile.
                                                               [courtesy LEX18, J. Ewing, AP]

jennsand.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Jennifer Ann Sewell, 40, black hair brown eyes, 151 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, manufacture/delivery controlled substance; Sandra Ann Cervantes, 29, brown hair brown eyes, 128 lbs, 5'1", bond forfeiture, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone
justkenn.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Justin Wayne James, 30, brown hair green eyes, 145 lbs, 5'5", bond forfeiture, kidnapping; Kennesha Lachelle Scott, 32, black hair, brown eyes, 110 lbs, 5'0", violation of probtion (sic), forgery (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)
jennsand.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Jennifer Ann Sewell, 40, black hair brown eyes, 151 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, manufacture/delivery controlled substance; Sandra Ann Cervantes, 29, brown hair brown eyes, 128 lbs, 5'1", bond forfeiture, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone; justkenn.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Justin Wayne James, 30, brown hair green eyes, 145 lbs, 5'5", bond forfeiture, kidnapping; Kennesha Lachelle Scott, 32, black hair, brown eyes, 110 lbs, 5'0", violation of probtion (sic), forgery (Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers)

josiahma.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Montre Josiah Eugene Robinson, BM, 20, 5'11", 165 lbs, tattoos "7" on left shldr, "9" & star rt shldr, aggr robbery; Maria Chevalier, WF, a/k/a Maria Baes, Maria Baez Rivera, 47, 5' 3", 235 lbs, tattoos names and heart on rt hand, heart, dove & ribbon left arm, criminal threat, arson and burglary, Yorkshire hog (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
josiahma.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Montre Josiah Eugene Robinson, BM, 20, 5'11", 165 lbs, tattoos "7" on left shldr, "9" & star rt shldr, aggr robbery; Maria Chevalier, WF, a/k/a Maria Baes, Maria Baez Rivera, 47, 5' 3", 235 lbs, tattoos names and heart on rt hand, heart, dove & ribbon left arm, criminal threat, arson and burglary, Yorkshire hog (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
The sports:
Papa John's Pizza dropped its "official sponsorship"  of  the
National Football League since it was adopted by white su-
premacists for its criticism of the NFL's handling of Nation-
al Anthem protests. . . .

"Lift Every Voice and Sing," the "Negro national anthem,"
was played at four National Basketball Association arenas
before games in February, "Black History Month."

lifebird.jpg Life Saver Dude: My word, bird! (photo by Peter Dam)
lifebird.jpg Life Saver Dude: My word, bird! (photo by Peter Dam)
 
Dear Eleanor:
I work in a small office where almost everyone is in their 40s
or 50s.   There is one gentleman who  is  79,  "John  Smith."
When I started I called him Mr. Smith because everyone but
the owner did.  But one day when I had multiple phone lines
ringing, I accidentally called him John.  I apologized, but he
told me he wished  that  everyone  would call him John.  He
said it makes him feel old to be called Mr. Smith.  The wom-
en here believe that because he is their dads' age,  it is disre-
spectful to call him John.  I feel torn because his preference
is to be called John. What is your opinion?
                                                                                Co-worker
Dear Cowie:
                            You can call him Al.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "dhockster"
        titled "New email here, sorry, it's me" and five more
messa-
        ges from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen
        Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Jason Dombkow-
ski.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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