September 25, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
    the  tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22094.jpg CIA issues red alert last seen 21 years after twin towers fell, New 9/11 terror attack warning! Al Qaeda revenge for drone strikes on two Bin Laden successors, Aymanal-Zawahiri killed July 31 (Globe); Lauren Bacall's mysterious world, Bronx native,international star at 19, led secretive, fascinating life known to only a few - exclusive interviews, Humphrey Bogart, Angelica Huston, Barbra Streisand, Ted Kennedy (Closer); Secret untold story, Nasty $450 million Stallone divorce, Sly, 76, Jennifer Flavin, 54, why wife had enough after 25 rocky years! (Enquirer); At 86, why he's still irresistible, Robert Redford's women finally tell all!, Jane Fonda, Meryl Streep, Mia Farrow, Faye Dunaway,Barbra Streisand, Scarlett Johansson (Examiner)
hed220942.jpg
hed22094.jpg CIA issues red alert last seen 21 years after twin towers fell, New 9/11 terror attack warning! Al Qaeda revenge for drone strikes on two Bin Laden successors, Aymanal-Zawahiri killed July 31 (Globe); Lauren Bacall's mysterious world,
Bronx native,international star at 19, led secretive, fascinating life known to only a few - exclusive interviews, Humphrey Bogart, Angelica Huston, Barbra Streisand, Ted Kennedy (Closer); Secret untold story, Nasty $450 million Stallone divorce, Sly, 76,
Jennifer Flavin, 54, why wife had enough after 25 rocky years! (Enquirer); At 86, why he's still irresistible, Robert Redford's women finally tell all!, Jane Fonda, Meryl Streep, Mia Farrow, Faye Dunaway,Barbra Streisand, Scarlett Johansson (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

Fred Dean wrote Sun 9/18/22 @08:53 PDT:

I liked Dear Eleanor's advice to Rennie!


Dumb news from Indiana:

After taking a 24-13 lead over Indiana after three quarters,
Western Kentucky lost to the Hoosiers  33-30  in  football
in Bloomington.
                                                     [courtesy Indianapolis Star]
rasimkur.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Rasim Kurtic, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, robbery; Shannon Groves, BM, 5'8", 200 lbs, mobery; Shaquille Weatherspoon, BM, probation violation, felon with handgun; Jesse Lottie Jr., BM, 6', 190 lbs, leaving scene; Duwayne Allmon, BM, battery with deadly weapon; Hansen Austin, BM, 6', 180 lbs, cocaine
rasimkur.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Rasim Kurtic, WM, 6'1", 185 lbs, robbery; Shannon Groves, BM, 5'8", 200 lbs, mobery; Shaquille Weatherspoon,
BM, probation violation, felon with handgun; Jesse Lottie Jr., BM, 6', 190 lbs, leaving scene; Duwayne Allmon, BM, battery with deadly weapon; Hansen Austin, BM, 6', 180 lbs, cocaine
  erskinej.jpg Erskine Jones, BM, 5'11", 170 lbs, fel. w/gun; Elisa Casrillo, HF, 5'4", 120 lbs, battery of police ofcr.; Dontece Malone, BM, burglary, battery; Melissa Garcia, WF, 5'3', 180 lbs (Yokshire hog), meth; Aaron Hope III, BM, 5'5", 110 lbs, viol. of release conds.
erskinej.jpg Erskine Jones, BM, 5'11", 170 lbs, fel. w/gun; Elisa Casrillo, HF, 5'4", 120 lbs, battery of police ofcr.; Dontece Malone, BM, burglary, battery; Melissa Garcia, WF, 5'3', 180 lbs (Yokshire hog), meth; Aaron Hope III, BM, 5'5", 110 lbs, viol. of release conds.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Gasoline in Brownsville:  $2.999/gal. . . .

Senator Mitch McButthead said Florida Governor Ron De-
Santis  "helped"  Venezuelan  migrants  by  flying  them to
Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. . . .


                                  [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Snakes and mice were falling from the ceiling at a Lexington
high school. . . .

LexArts, a cultural development nonprofit in Lexington, call-
ed on local artists to paint  Maker's  Mark  whiskey bottles to
celebrate LexArts' 50th anniversary.
                                                                      [courtesy LEX18]
merrilee.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette); Merri Lee Nelson, 55, Bardstown, contempt of court; Rebecca Lynn Bowman, 52, Bardstown, contempt of court; Justin Scott Jackson, 34, Springfield, escape, paraphernalia; Brittany Renée Hall, 33, Mt. Washington, contempt of court; Brandon Lynn Ritchie, 22, Shepherdsville, contempt
merrilee.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette); Merri Lee Nelson, 55, Bardstown, contempt of court; Rebecca Lynn Bowman, 52, Bardstown, contempt of court;
Justin Scott Jackson, 34, Springfield, escape, paraphernalia; Brittany Renée Hall, 33, Mt. Washington, contempt of court; Brandon Lynn Ritchie, 22, Shepherdsville, contempt
Quotations of the week:
                                         "I told my psychiatrist I had suicidal tendencies.  He told me to
                                           pay in advance."
                                                                                – Rodney Dangerfield

        "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist needs his head examined."
                                                                                                                – Samuel Goldwyn



Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Excuse me, Miss, but – may I butt in?"
 
                                                                       – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                    September 19:  Lesley Hornby ("Twiggy Lawson"), 73
                                            
Dave Bromberg, 77
                                             Sylvia Fricker, 82
                                             "Mama" Cass Elliott (1941-1974)
                    September 20:  
Sofia Costanza Brigida Villani Scicolone ("Sophia Loren"), 88
                    September 21:  Bill Murray, 72
                                             Stephen King, 75
                                             Bill Kurtis, 82
                                             Leonard Cohen (1934-2016)
                    September 22:  Joan Jett, 64
                                             Debby Boone, 66
                                             Tommy Lasorda (1927-2021)
 
                   September 23:  Bruce Springsteen, 73
                                             Ray Charles (1930-2004)
                    
September 24:  "Mean" Joe Greene, 76
                                             Gerry Marsden (of "and the Pacemakers"; 1942-2021)
                    September 25:  Cheryl Tiegs, 75
                                             Michael Douglas, 78
                                             
Ian Tyson, 89
                                             
Barbara Walters, 93
                                             Ferdinand the Wise (1712-1759)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Maury Wills, 89

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                               93A  "Field competitions for electricians?"

        Answer:  CURRENTEVENTS                                                                              [L.A. Times 8/28/22]

quintana.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Richard David Piper,40, 5'8", 180 lbs, tattoos all over, probation violation (opiates); Quintana Renée Martinez, HF, 25, 5'3", 180 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation viol. (aggravated battery); Casey Bray, WM, 42, 5'11", 225 lbs, battery on prison officer; Acucena Iveth Solorzano, HF, 34, 5'8", 160 lbs, prob.viol. (opiates); Andre Antoine Martel Smith-Allegree, BM, 39, 5'11", 155 lbs, assault & battery, felon with firearm
quintana.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Richard David Piper,40, 5'8", 180 lbs, tattoos all over, probation violation (opiates); Quintana Renée Martinez, HF, 25, 5'3", 180 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation viol.
(aggravated battery); Casey Bray, WM, 42, 5'11", 225 lbs, battery on prison officer; Acucena Iveth Solorzano, HF, 34, 5'8", 160 lbs, prob.viol. (opiates); Andre Antoine Martel Smith-Allegree, BM, 39, 5'11", 155 lbs, assault & battery, felon with firearm

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Percentage by which Americans drink alcohol less often then the average
person worldwide:  18. . . .  By which they get drunk more often:  58. . . .
An armed man wearing a clown wig in a Delmont,  Pennsylvania,  Dairy
Queen told police he was "working to restore Donald Trump to president-
king
of the United States." . . . A British psychic who predicted Queen E-
lizabeth's death using  asparagus  tips  said her son Charles will resign as
king next year. .  .  . Five banks in Lebanon were held up by their own ar-
med depositors seeking to withdraw their own money. .  .  .  A section of
East 101st Street in Harlem was renamed Cicely Tyson Way. . . .  Would
we ever have heard of the  Turks  and Caicos  islands had it not been for
Hurricane Fiona?
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

maywaldo.jpt Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): James Nicholas Maywald, WM, 27, 5'4", 174 lbs, family assault; Thania Yesania Morales, HF, 29, 4'5", 120 lbs, joy riding; Adrian Lee Gipson, BF, 5'4", 156 lbs, burglary; Jacklyn Faye Kilner, WF, 52, 5'4", 143 lbs, probation violation; Obahykiner Jamie Fuller, BM, 48, 6', 18 lbs, fraud
maywaldo.jpt Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): James Nicholas Maywald, WM, 27, 5'4", 174 lbs, family assault; Thania Yesania Morales, HF
 29, 4'5", 120 lbs, joy riding; Adrian Lee Gipson, BF, 5'4", 156 lbs, burglary; Jacklyn Faye Kilner, WF, 52, 5'4", 143 lbs, probation violation; Obahykiner Jamie Fuller, BM, 48, 6', 18 lbs, fraud

Dear Eleanor:

                            My wife, my granddaughter and I  recently
                            took a six-hour flight home.   I thought we
                            would have the middle section of the plane
                            to ourselves; and when we boarded, I notic-
                            ed there were four seats. As I put our carry-
                            ons into the overhead bin my wife plopped
                            herself down next to another  male  passen-
                            ger.

                           Whenever we fly, my wife always says she
                            needs to sleep and doesn't want to talk. But
                            on this flight she began a conversation with
                            this man and did not once look in my direc-
                            tion.
  When snacks were served,  she hand-
                            ed one to the guy but paid  no  attention  to
                            me or our granddaughter. Then when I pul-
                            led out the breakfast sandwiches I had pur-
                            chased earlier, she gave hers to the guy be-

                            side her.  I  was  furious.  She chatted with
                            this guy the entire flight.   The  only  time
                            she spoke to me was to get me to move so
                            that she could go to the restroom.

                            When we got home I questioned her.   She
                            didn't like my attitude  and  said  that  next
                            time she'd sit next to a stranger  instead of
                            me.  She even admitted she knew I was an-
                            gry during the flight; but she never answer-
                            ed my original question,  which  was  why
                            she was so eager to converse  with this fel-
                            low when she always tells me  she  prefers
                            to sleep on long flights.

                            I think she was enjoying flirting.   What do
                            I do?
                                                                    Mahalo in Hawaii
i
Dear Hawie:
                        Try cocaine.


The sports:
                    With the first all-Latino lineup in Major League
                    baseball history,  the Tampa Bay Rays  beat  the
                    Toronto Blue Jays  11-0  on  Roberto  Clemente
                    Day  and  the  first  day  of  Hispanic  Hereitage
                    Month,  September 16. . . . The University of O-
                    regon  apologized for student fans  who  yelled
                    "Fuck the Mormons" at a football game against
                    Brigham University.

poullard.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Demarcus Poullard, 28, ctrld subs; Nina Souder, 38, controlled subs; Lisa Pacheco, 50, marijuana; Ariel Borrego, 19, family assault; Crystal Beck, 43, criminal trespass; Deanna Kleinertz, 35, DUI; Vincent Hardin, 60, paraphernalia
poullard.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Demarcus Poullard, 28, ctrld subs; Nina Souder, 38, controlled subs;
Lisa Pacheco, 50, marijuana;Ariel Borrego, 19, family assault; Crystal Beck, 43, criminal trespass; Deanna Kleinertz, 35, DUI; Vincent Hardin, 60, paraphernalia
DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Ron DeSantis.



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just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
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Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
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  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



September 18, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
    the tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22093.jpg The real story, Brad's Hell, Screaming fights, name-calling and Angelina's plot to gethim arrested, she begged toget back together, but he said no, now she's hirred a political fixer to destroy him (US); Royal affair bombshell, which husband cheated? Harry, William, Charles, it's an open secret in fhe aristocracy (L&S); Putin says he's losing Ukraine because FBI seized stuff (Borowitz); Insurrctionists say Biden hurt their feelings (Borowitz); Lindsey Graham warns of voting in the streets (Borowitz)
hed22093.jpg The real story, Brad's Hell, Screaming fights, name-calling and Angelina's plot to gethim arrested, she begged toget back together, but he said no, now she's hirred a political fixer to destroy him (US); Royal affair bombshell, which husband cheated?
Harry, William, Charles, it's an open secret in fhe aristocracy (L&S); Putin says he's losing Ukraine because FBI seized stuff (Borowitz); Insurrctionists say Biden hurt their feelings (Borowitz); Lindsey Graham warns of voting in the streets (Borowitz)

Dumb news from Indiana:
A Columbus woman charged with trespassing said she was
only checking on the safety of an Australian shepherd  dog
forced to stay outdoors in a heat wave asked for a jury trial.

                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]

herroonw.jpg South Bend's most wanted: William Herroon, WM, 5'9", 190 lbs, violating supervised rel.; (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Danisha Lane, BF, 5'5", 220 lbs (Yorkshire hog), armed robbery, failure to appear
herroonw.jpg South Bend's most wanted: William Herroon, WM, 5'9", 190 lbs, violating supervised rel.;
(Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Danisha Lane, BF, 5'5", 220 lbs (Yorkshire hog), armed robbery, failure to appear
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Nine persons were shot in four separate shootings in Lexing-
ton Saturday night, September 10.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]
ambersue.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Michael Wayne Rhodes, 61, Bardstown, dom. assault; Shanna Maarie Peake, 31, Bardstown, probation violation; Shawn Michael Cecil, 49, Bardstown, meth traffic; Amber Sue Nicole Gritton, 30, Bardstown, f.t.a.; William Andrew Wathen, 43 Bardstown, meth traffic
ambersue.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Michael Wayne Rhodes, 61, Bardstown, dom. assault; Shanna Maarie Peake, 31, Bardstown, probation violation;
Shawn Michael Cecil, 49, Bardstown, meth traffic; Amber Sue Nicole Gritton, 30, Bardstown, f.t.a.; William Andrew Wathen, 43 Bardstown, meth traffic
Quotation of the week:
                                        "FUCK IMPERIALISM, ABOLISH MONARCHY.
"

                                            – a Scotswoman in Edingurgh, on a sign held near a cathedral
                                               awaiting Queen Elizabeth's corpse  –  she was arrested  (the
                                               woman holding the sign,  not the Queen)


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Excuse me, Miss, but, do you have a mirror there?  Is that why I can
  see myself getting into your pants?"

 
                                                                                          – Leonard Simon

dubbadubba.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Anthony Joseph Longoria, WM, 41, 5'6", 150 lbs, burglary; Eric Scott Stewart, WM, 47, 5'8", 170 lbs, probation viol. (burglary); Andrew Jurado-Morales, HM, 21, 5'8", 195 lbs, battery on law officer, felon w/gun, mj.; Wanted in Waco (Texas): Dangelo Wright, BM, 31, 5'9", 108 lbs, family assault (Waco Police Dept.)
dubbadubba.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Anthony Joseph Longoria, WM, 41, 5'6", 150 lbs, burglary; Eric Scott Stewart, WM, 47, 5'8", 170 lbs,
probation viol. (burglary); Andrew Jurado-Morales, HM, 21, 5'8", 195 lbs, battery on law officer, felon w/gun, mj.; Wanted in Waco (Texas): Dangelo Wright, BM, 31, 5'9", 108 lbs, family assault (Waco Police Dept.)
Birthdays:                  
                    September 12:  Jennifer Nettles, 48  –>
                                              Leonard Peltier, 78
                                              Maria Muldaur, 79
                    September 13:  Dupey Dumpy, 76

                                             Jacqueline Bisset, 78
                                             David Clayton-Thomas, 81
                                             Barbara Bain, 91
                                             Mel Tormé (1925-1999)
                    September 14:  Joey Heatherton, 78
                                             Amy Winehouse (1983-2011)
jnettles.jpg
                     September 15:  Henry Charles Albert David Mountbatten-Windsor ("Prince Harry"), 38
                                              Dina Lohan, 60
                                              Dan Marino, 61
                                              Tommy Lee Jones, 76
                                              Oliver Stone, 76
                                              Marco Polo (1254-1324)
                     September 16:  Amy Poehler, 51
                                              Rosemary Casals, 74
                                             
Elgin Baylor (1934-2021)
                     September 17:  David Souter, 83
                                              King Charles III (of France) (879-929)
                     September 18:  Lance Armstrong, 51
                                              Otis Sistrunk, 76
                                              Frankie Avalon, 82
                                              Jimmie Rodgers (not that Jimmie Rodgers), (1933-2021)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Jean-Luc Godard, 91
                                Sean Connery, 90
                                Ramsey Lewis, 87
                                Ken Starr, 76
                                Anthony Varvaro, 37

fernando.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most): Fernando Lee Rodriguez, HM, 28, 5'8', 180 lbs, oversiized ears. evadomg arrest; Cara Ann Park, WF, 33, 5'5", 126 lbs, burglary; Krisrtopher Kowalski, WM, 31, 5'8", 220 lbs, family violence; Tawana Evelyn Brown, BF, 43, 5'6", 215 lbs (Yorkshire hog), c.s.; Dazjuan William Johnson, BM, 28, 5'10", 210 lbs, burglary
dubbadubba.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick County Sheriff): Anthony Joseph Longoria, WM, 41, 5'6", 150 lbs, burglary; Eric Scott Stewart, WM, 47, 5'8", 170 lbs, probation viol. (burglary);
Andrew Jurado-Morales, HM, 21, 5'8", 195 lbs, battery on law officer, felon w/gun, mj.; Wanted in Waco (Texas): Dangelo Wright, BM, 31, 5'9", 108 lbs, family assault (Waco Police Dept.)
Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                                33A  "Daamg!"

                                    Answer:  OMG                                    [New Yorker 9/7/22]

marcanth.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Marcanthony Garza, 21, mj; Destini Casey, 21, resisting; Brittney Clark, 22, ctl. subs.; Lorin Martinez, 50, marijuana; Mary Aguilar, 50, ch. safety; Yasmeen Olofsson, 24, DUI; Tracy Medrano, 52, theft; Cody Anderson, 28, c.s.
marcanth.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Marcanthony Garza, 21, mj; Destini Casey, 21, resisting; Brittney Clark, 22, ctl. subs.;
Lorin Martinez, 50, marijuana; Mary Aguilar, 50, ch. safety; Yasmeen Olofsson, 24, DUI; Tracy Medrano, 52, theft; Cody Anderson, 28, c.s.
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Even Lindsey Graham criticized ex-President Trump's suggestion to par-
don everyone involved in the Jan. 6 insurrection.  .  .  .  A San Francisco
rape victim's DNA was matched with that of a  burglary  suspect  of  six
years prior; she was arrested,  and she has sued the police. .  .  .  A black
pastor arrested for watering an out-of-town neighbor's garden  has  sued
the police
.  .  .  .  A 2-year-old's back yard birthday party in Connecticut
was crashed by a black bear who wanted a cupcake.  .  .  .  Queen Eliza-
beth's horse West Newton won a race at Pimlico two days after the mon-
arch's death. .  .  .  The Queen's four corgis will move in with Prince An-
drew. . . . A 77-year-old man was killed by his pet kangaroo in Australia.
. . . An Iranian woman who was convicted of murdering her husband and
died on death row nonetheless was hanged after her death. . . .  A motor-
ist on cocaine in Las Vegas, Nevada,  drove into a car driven by a motor-
ist on meth, killing him. . . . Roger Federer announced his retirement. . . .
A semitrailer crash in Oklahoma City spilled a load of  dildos  and  lube
onto I-40.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

chanceal.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) (Abilene Crime Stoppers): Chance Alan Angley, WM, 38, 5'9", 160 lbs, meth, child porn; Keeland Latrell Woodwardds, BM, 24, 6'2", 160 lbs, robbery; Jennifer Leeann Kennedy, WF, 5'3", 170 lbs (Yorkshire hog),exploit. of elderly; Daymond Lamont Stewart, BM, 24, 6'3", 250 lbs, aggr. assault; Juan Tejeda, HM, 57, 5'8", 210 lbs, theft, exploitation of elderly; Tyrus Nicholas Hart, BM, 27, 165 lbs, burglary; Antonio Delrio, HM, 35, 5'7", 200 lbs, impersonating ofcr.; Charles Arthur Mayes, BM, 24, 5'8" 180 lbs, robbery
chanceal.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) (Abilene Crime Stoppers): Chance Alan Angley, WM, 38, 5'9", 160 lbs, meth, child porn; Keeland Latrell Woodwardds, BM, 24, 6'2", 160 lbs, robbery;
Jennifer Leeann Kennedy, WF, 5'3", 170 lbs (Yorkshire hog),exploit. of elderly; Daymond Lamont Stewart, BM, 24, 6'3", 250 lbs, aggr. assault; Juan Tejeda, HM, 57, 5'8", 210 lbs, theft, exploitation of elderly;
Tyrus Nicholas Hart, BM, 27, 165 lbs, burglary; Antonio Delrio, HM, 35, 5'7", 200 lbs, impersonating ofcr.; Charles Arthur Mayes, BM, 24, 5'8" 180 lbs, robbery
                      tyrusnic.jpg
Dear Eleanor:
                            I have my 30th high school reunion coming up, and I am
                            trying to decide whether I should attend.  I  have  several
                            dear friends planning to go, and I would love to see them.
                            However, I have a former boy friend who also plans to at-
                            tend.  I removed him from my life and I don't care ever
to
                           
see him again.     He has  a  manipulative and  narcissistic
                            personality I found a few months after first dating him.   I
                            am torn between seeing my friends and avoiding him   Do
                            you have any advice?
                                                                                                               Renée

Dear Rennie:
                            Disguise yourself.  Go as a witch or a floozie, maybe.  Or
                            maybe as a man.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual
dissection  of  important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table  at
the offices  of  Borf   Books  outside  Brownsville,
Kentucky, after church every Sunday. Guest speak-
ers lined up for meetings in the near future include
Venezuelan migrants from Martha's Vineyard, Mas-
sachusetts.
mvnigran.jpg
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
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getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


lifehatc.jpg Wearing a Cowboy Hat, what you think you look like, what you actually look like: Life Saver Dude: Duh
lifehatc.jpg Wearing a Cowboy Hat, what you think you look like, what you actually look like: Life Saver Dude: Duh

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



September 11, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
    the tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22092.jpg  25 years without Diana (People); Court ruling exposes truth, Cruel lie killed Diana, Tricked into divorce by forged documents, Deliberately driven into paranoid frenzy (Globe); Family war explodes, Lies & betrayal, Furious Trumpdiscovers Mar-a-Lago mule, Ivanka, Melania, Jared (IT); Celebrity Fixer Bert Fields' secret files exposed, addiction, dishy dirt, gay scandals, Harvey Weinstein, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Warren Beatty (Enquirer)
hed22092.jpg  25 years without Diana (People); Court ruling exposes truth, Cruel lie killed Diana, Tricked into divorce by forged documents, Deliberately driven into paranoid frenzy (Globe); Family war explodes, Lies & betrayal,
Furious Trump discovers Mar-a-Lago mule, Ivanka, Melania, Jared (IT); Celebrity Fixer Bert Fields' secret files exposed, addiction, dishy dirt, gay scandals, Harvey Weinstein, Madonna, Tom Cruise, Warren Beatty (Enquirer)


LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Tony Dean wrote Sun 9/4/22 @09:04 CDT re last week's Dear Eleanor:

Sandy Mama should keep the name Sanne and its spelling for her

daughter.   That way the child will have the pleasure of correcting

her teachers. (And what kind of a dumb fuck would add a "d" to a

name that doesn't have a d sound in it?)

Carole Otis wrote Sun 9/4/22 @10:27 CDT:
Jared Kushner living forever?  Now. there's a frightening thought!
No,  wait a minute!   It would certainly give life sentencing a new
meaning!  Maybe he should be careful of what he wishes for.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The Haute couture competition in Terre Haute this year will
include Shikha Bhattacharyva,
Amanda Lubold, Alexandrea
Morin, Abigail Leigh Clouse, Brenna Deal,  Harriet Howard
and Kasey Chew.
                 .                                                [courtesy Terre Haute Star]

        montanez.jpg Fort Wayne's most wanted (TheMostWanted.net): Kenneth Eugene Belt, WM, 47, 5'6", 129 lbs, eagle & flag tattoo on right arm, probation violation (meth): Jesus Emmanuel Chamorrowmontanez, HM, 38, 5'6", 160 lbs, tattoos all over, robbery, DWOL; Marjorie Joann Duncan, WF, 42, 5'4", 130 lbs, tattoos hearts on rt. hand, l. ankle, Mickey Mouse on rt. thigh & rt. ankle, boxing gloves on back, cocaine; Andre Lamont Bailey, BM, 56, 5'10", 205 lbs, paraphernalia, obstructing justice
montanez.jpg Fort Wayne's most wanted (TheMostWanted.net): Kenneth Eugene Belt, WM, 47, 5'6", 129 lbs, eagle & flag tattoo on right arm, probation violation (meth): Jesus Emmanuel Chamorrowmontanez, HM, 38, 5'6", 160 lbs, tattoos all over,
 robbery, DWOL; Marjorie Joann Duncan, WF, 42, 5'4", 130 lbs, tattoos hearts on rt. hand, l. ankle, Mickey Mouse on rt. thigh & rt. ankle, boxing gloves on back, cocaine; Andre Lamont Bailey, BM, 56, 5'10", 205 lbs, paraphernalia, obstructing justice
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Russellville middle school teacher was suspended for tell-
ing her class that once,  as  a  child,  she could not touch her
father, a coal miner, because he came home "black as Deme-
trius" – one of her pupils in the class.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]
deniesha.jpg Locked up Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Joshua Ray Merrit Hardin, WM, 28, Taylorville, contempt of court; Deniesha Noelle Hobbs, WF, 26, Louisville, no charge, merely suspicion; Samantha Renée Ankeny, 31, Louisville, heroin; Julie Mae Shaw, 41, Bardstown, prob. viol.; also ID'd as Amber Lynn Shelburne, 30, New Hope (do you reckon they made a mistake?), contempt; Charles Ray Nation, WM, 27, Bloomfield, contempt
deniesha.jpg Locked up Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Joshua Ray Merrit Hardin, WM, 28, Taylorville, contempt of court; Deniesha Noelle Hobbs, WF, 26, Louisville, no charge, merely suspicion; Samantha Renée Ankeny,
31, Louisville, heroin; Julie Mae Shaw, 41, Bardstown, prob. viol.; also ID'd as Amber Lynn Shelburne, 30, New Hope (do you reckon they made a mistake?), contempt; Charles Ray Nation, WM, 27, Bloomfield, contempt
Quotation of the week:
                                       "My job is to be wherever my clients want me to be and to do
                                         nothing in particular."

                                                                                  Shoji Morimoto, a Japanese who
                                                                                     rents himself out as a companion


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Excuse me, Miss, but, were you born beautiful?"
 
                                                                                          – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                  September 5:  Dweezil Zappa, 53
                                          Loudon Wainwright III, 76
                                          Al Stewart, 77
                                          Raquel Welch, 82
                                          Bill Mazeroski, 86
                                          Bob Newhart, 93
                                          Freddy Mercury (1946-1991)
                  September 6:  Christopher Christie, 60
                                          Carly Fiorina, 68
                                          Jane Curtin, 75

                   September 7:  Molly Holly, 45
                                          
Julie Kavner, 72
                                          Sonny Rollins, 92
                                          Charles "Buddy" Holly (1936-1959)
                   September 8:  Alecia Beth Moore ("Pink"), 43
                                           Neko Case, 52
                                           Zachary Richard, 72
                                           
Bernie Sanders, 81
                                           
Christoph von Dohn
ányi, 93
                                           Isaac Sidney Caesar (1922-2004)
                    September 9:  Michael Bublé, 47

                                           Otis Redding  (1941-1967)
   
               September 10:  Margaret Trudeau, 74
                                            José Feliciano, 77
                                            Roger Maris (1934-1985)
                   September 11:  Harry Connick Jr., 55
                                            Bashar al-Assad, 57
                                            Leo Kottke, 77
                                            Dylan Klebold (1981-1999)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Queen Elizabeth, 96

dnicath.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not
                Wichita, Kansas) (Terxomas most wanted): Anthony Brown
                Jr., BM, 34, 6', 152 lbs, probation violation (improper
                picture); Jodi Pannell, WF, 35, 5'2", 115 lbs,
                child abandonment; Tanner Wester, WM, 39, 5'6", 156
                lbs, theft; Danica Thrasher, BF, 39, 5'6", 156 lbs,
                theft; Rudolfo Gonzalez, HM, 39, 5'6"m, 208 lbs,
                family viol.

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:

                                                               4D "Screw you"
                           Answer:  BITEME
                                    [New Yorker 8/53/22]

    stoakley.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas)
                                                          (by the
                                                          Sedgwick
                                                          County
                                                          Sheriff):
                                                          Julius Randal
                                                          Stoakley, BM,
                                                          29, 6'1",
                                                          186 lbs, prob.
                                                          viol.
                                                          (battery);
                                                          Autumn
                                                          Shanequa
                                                          Metcalf, BF,
                                                          31, 5'3",
                                                          120 lbs,
                                                          murder;
                                                          Lucille Marie
                                                          Rustage, WF,
                                                          26, 5', 100
                                                          lbs, probation
                                                          violation
                                                          (forgery &
                                                          theft); Eric
                                                          Alan Sagley,
                                                          WM, 42,
                                                          5'9", 160
                                                          lbs, probation
                                                          viol.
                                                          (opiates)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
The thermometer hit 127 degrees in Death Valley, California, September
1, setting a world record for September. .  .  .  Life expectancy in the U.S.
fell to 76.1 years from 79 three years ago. .  .  .  A  4-year-old  brought  a
loaded gun to school in Corpus Christi, Texas. .  .  .  A Saudi woman was
sentenced to 45 years in prison for damaging her country on "social medi-
a." . . .  New words in Merriam-Webster's dictionary include  "adorkable"
and ICYMI. . . .
                                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Country music song of the week:
"I just don't like this kind of living," Hank Williams.


uriasjes.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom
                  Green County Texas, Sheriff): Jesus Urias, 34, DUI;
                  Krystal Villareal, 35, ctrld. subs.; Jamie Garfias,
                  40, c.s., no lic.; Jaylin Deanda, 19, cruelty to
                  animals; Michael Masterson, 56, harassment; Bonnie
                  Lopez, 36, cold check; Frank Hutchings, 32, trespass;
                  Chickie Chickchick, 28, enticing; Paul Hurtt, 47,
                  paraphernalia
Dear Eleanor:
                            I've caught my  boy  friend  staring at his
                            mother's rear end.
   She sometimes walks
                            around the house in tight booty shorts  so
                            short you can see part of her butt.


                            I don't know what to do; I've even thought
                            about breaking up with him.
  We   usually
                            hang out at my house,  but  whenever  we
                            are at his house  and his mom wears short
                            shorts, I catch him.  Please advise.

                                                                            Can't Unsee
Dear Canty-Cant:
                                  Take your own pants off and fart in his
                                  face.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
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TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include King Charles.


lifetwo.jpg "Al! I just heard on the news there's a
        car going the wrong way on I-80. Be careful!" "One?! I
        seen at least a hundred!" Life Saver Dude: Wonder who?

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



September 4, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse
    the tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:

hed22091.jpg Saturday Night Fever secrets & scandals Travolta's tragic romance, who got $7,000 bribe, why neighborhood gang bombed set (Examiner); Olivia Newton-John's secret affair with Travolta (Globe); John Travolta tells all! 'The Olivia only I knew! (Star); Chilling reason cops burying the truth: Naomi Judd gun death cover-up, who really pulled the trigger*, explosive evidence found, what family wants to hide (* they don't say, in the article" Examiner); Ashley & Wyonna Judd: 'Why we forgave our mom' (Closer)
hed22091.jpg Saturday Night Fever secrets & scandals Travolta's tragic romance, who got $7,000 bribe, why neighborhood gang bombed set (Examiner); Olivia Newton-John's secret affair with Travolta (Globe); John Travolta tells all!'The Olivia only I knew! (Star);
Chilling reason cops burying the truth: Naomi Judd gun death cover-up, who really pulled the trigger*, explosive evidence found, what family wants to hide (* they don't say, in the article" Examiner); Ashley & Wyonna Judd: 'Why we forgave our mom' (Closer)
hed220912.jpg U.S. grand jury untold story, Taking down Trump! What FBI found at Mar-a-Lago, White House aides' testimony, real reason ex-Prez fighting for life (Globe); J-Lo going bald! (Globe); After long lusty life, Cher confesses: 'I've loved only two men' Robert Camilletti, Greg Allman (Examiner)
hed220912.jpg U.S. grand jury untold story, Taking down Trump! What FBI found at Mar-a-Lago, White House aides' testimony, real reason ex-Prez fighting for life (Globe); J-Lo going bald! (Globe); After long lusty life, Cher confesses: 'I've loved only two men' Robert Camilletti, Greg Allman (Examiner)

Dumb news from Indiana:
Eggokoko,  a Kokomo cat,  is 1 year old. . . .

The Old Fogies will play the  Old  Geezers
in softball today,  and  the  Kokomo  Cuties
swill  play  the  Heart Warmers (two  teams
of  men dressed as women) at Kokomo Mu-
nicipal  Stadium today.
eggokoko.jpg
– Kokomo Tribune
Dumb news from Kentucky:

Kentucky's only native American commonwealth's attorney
(prosecutor),  Lexington's Lou Anna Red Corn,  announced
her  retirement.
                                                                             [courtesy LEX18]
kapetani.jg Busted in Bardstown (courtesy Nalson County Gazette): Anthony Curtis Kapetanios, 30, Columbus, Ind., criminal mischief; Tami Lee Bartley, 47, New Haven, contempt of court; Michael David Thomas, 59, Bardstown, meth; Catherine Gabrielle Leake, 35, c.s. & drug paraphernalia; Bradley Jason Johnson, 35, Nashville,Tenn., heroin
kapetani.jg Busted in Bardstown (courtesy Nalson County Gazette): Anthony Curtis Kapetanios, 30, Columbus, Ind., criminal mischief; Tami Lee Bartley, 47, New Haven, contempt of court;
Michael David Thomas, 59, Bardstown, meth; Catherine Gabrielle Leake, 35, c.s. & drug paraphernalia; Bradley Jason Johnson, 35, Nashville,Tenn., heroin
Quotation of the week:
                                         "God and Jesus were stupid."
                                                                                             – Natty Bumppo

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Why are rappers constantly grabbing their crotches?  Does rapping give
  you the crabs?"
                                                                                                – Leonard Simon
bostickr.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita
kapetani.jg Busted in Bardstown (courtesy Nalson County Gazette): Anthony Curtis Kapetanios, 30, Columbus, Ind., criminal mischief; Tami Lee Bartley, 47, New Haven, contempt of court;
Michael David Thomas, 59, Bardstown, meth; Catherine Gabrielle Leake, 35, c.s. & drug paraphernalia; Bradley Jason Johnson, 35, Nashville,Tenn., heroin
Birthdays:
                   August 29:  Neil Gorsuch, 55
                                       Michael Jackson (1958-2009)
                                       John McCain (1936-2018)
                   August 30:  
R. Crumb, 79
                                       Warren Buffett, 92
                                       Vic Seixas, 99
                                       Peter the Cruel (1334-1369)
                    August 31:  Richard Gere, 73
                                        Van Morrison, 77
                September 1:  Barry Gibb, 76
                                        Leonard Slatkin, 78
                                        Lily Tomlin, 83
                                        Harold Jenkins ("Conway Twitty," 1933-1993)
                 September 2:  Salma Hayek, 56
                                        Jimmy Connors, 70
                                        Terry Bradshaw, 74
                                        Jimmy Clanton, 84
                 September 3:  Charlie Sheen, 57
                                        Valerie Perrine, 79
                 September 4:  Beyondsay, 41
                                        Tom Watson, 73
                                        Gene Parsons, 78
                                        Mitzi Gaynor, 91
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                    Mikhail Gorbachev, 91
                                    Tom Clemmons, 71
                                    Charlbi Dean,32
                                    Neena Pacholke, 27

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                               43A "Butt"
                                  Answer:  ASS
                            [New Yorker 8/23/22]


juanchap.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Juan Chapoy, 70, family assault; Calli Jensen, 59, trespass; Calvin Miller, 54, mobery; Brenton Frizzell, 18, robbery; Dora Buitron, 29, credit/debit card abuse; Arturo Cardenas, 34, FTA; Brenda Callindo, 33, DUI; Matthew Porter, 30, trespass, parole violation
juanchap.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Juan Chapoy, 70, family assault; Calli Jensen, 59, trespass; Calvin Miller, 54, mobery; Brenton Frizzell, 18, robbery;
Dora Buitron, 29, credit/debit card abuse; Arturo Cardenas, 34, FTA; Brenda Callindo, 33, DUI; Matthew Porter, 30, trespass, parole violation
Borf 's weekly BONUS:

        This sketch in a Chinese mathematics
        textbook was deemed obscene  by na-
        tional authorities. . . . 
Jared  Kushner
        said he might live forever. .  . . The re-
        mains of two children  were  found  in

chinamat.jpg
         suitcases sold in an auction on line in New Zealand . . .  Four persons were
         injured when 150,000 tomatoes were spilled from a truck  that  crashed  on
         an interstate highway in California. . . . The tomato flu was harassing India.
         . . . 
The United States Postal Service introduced a new stamp commerating
         the centennial of the birth of cartoonist Charles M.Schulz (1922-2000),  the
         creator of "Peanuts." . . .
Mickey Dolenz, sole survivor of the Monkees,  su-
         ed the FBI. . . . Dolly Parton launched a new line of pet apparel called Dog-
         gy Parton.
                                                                               [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]

Dear Eleanor:
                            I was adopted, and most of my biological
                            family was gone  when  I  began  seeking
                            them out.  I did find my great grandmoth-
                            er who was Dutch.  Her name was Sanne
                            (pronounced "Sah-nuh." My husband and
                            I are expecting a daughter,  and  I  want to
                            name her Sanne.  My husband is fine with
                            that but disagrees with  the  spelling.  He's
                            concerned that our little girl  will  have  to
                            explain  and correct her name  for  people
                            the rest of her life.

                            He proved it to me by texting it to friends
                            and asking them to pronounce it. The ma-
                            jority  said  "Sand."  He thinks we should
                            name the baby  Sana – phonetically close,
                            but nowhere near Dutch.   I feel as if I am
                            getting ganged up on here a little.   Every-
                            one likes the name and has been support-
                            ive of my wanting to honor my great gran
                            but agrees with my husband or suggests u-
                            sing it as a middle name. I need an outside
                            opinion, please.
                                                                    Don't Like "Sand"
Dear Sandy Mama:
                                    I  looked  it  up:  It's  Dutch  for  Lily.
                                    You might name the kid Lily or Lilly
                                    and nickname her Sandy.

                                    There are a number of  famous "San-
                                    nes."    You might want to look them
                                    up if you want  to  continue  your  ar-
                                    ument.

The sports:
                        Five Hawaii batters were hit by pitches in the third
                        inning of the Little League World Series champion-
                        ship game (Hawaii beat Cura
çao 13-3). . . . Serena
                        Williams
lost in the U.S. Open tennis tournament.

DISCUSSION GROUP:


        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Serena Williams.


lifebiot.jg "PRO BIOTICS" "ANTI BIOTICS" Life Saver Dude: Ya fer 'em er ag'in' 'en?
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