December 31, 2023:  Usually, things you would never know if you did not browse
    the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket.   But
    this week there were no new tabloid newspapers at the grocery.  And there were
    no old tabloid newspapers, either.  We've done our best.


   

                                                                               [courtesy Ripley, R.I., Junior High School]




New Year's resolutions state by state:
                                                                                        [courtesy the Onion]
    Find slaves that escaped plantation   – Alabama

    Shave the bears   – Alaska

    Remember name of grandson   – Arizona

   
Read less   – Arkansas

    Try a calorie for the first time   – California

    Find way down mountain   – Colorado

    Become active in community by petitioning country club to at least allow Asians   – Connecticut

    Be less quaint   – Delaware

    Try to do one simple thing each day that makes an immigrant’s life worse   – Florida

    Reconnect with estranged father, mother, siblings, cousin and grandparents   – Georgia

    Continue living in Hawaii   – Hawaii

   
Taste an exotic delicacy from P. F. Chang's   – Idaho

    Cut down on breaks between meals   – Illinois

    Finally get a look at spouses nipples   – Indiana

    Ignore louder and louder whispering coming from the cornfield   – Iowa

    Cure mental illness by being kicked in the head by a donkey   – Kansas

    Eat a winning horse for once   – Kentucky

    Get arm back from gator   – Louisiana

    Make it through just one squall without being washed overboard   – Maine

    Free self from crab trap   – Maryland

    Escape from drunk tank  – Massachusetts

    Get back down to college blood-alcohol content   – Michigan

    Cut down on junk food sprinkled over casserole   – Minnesota

    Settle down and get married before eighth-grade graduation   – Mississippi

    Help Ukrainians defend themselves   – Missouri

    Run headfirst into a buffalo for science   – Montana

    There are no resolutions   – Nebraska

    Make more time for nickel slots addiction   
Nevada

    Cut down to a pack of fentanyl a day   
New Hampshire

    Get plastic surgery to fix previous plastic surgery   
New Jersey

    Take up new hobby stealing Native American art and traditions   – New Mexico

    Gain respect of rat king   – New York

    Save frat from being disbanded   – North Carolina

    Become God   – North Dakota

    Get date rape expunged from college record   – Ohio

    Learn to tie lynch rope   – Oklahoma

    Meet a black person   – Oregon

    Stay out of the woods at night   –
Pennsylvania
    Run three laps around state every day   – Rhode Island

    Find out what a palmetto is   – South Carolina

    Part ways with toxic horse   – South Dakota

    Practice gratitude for Dolly Parton's breasts   – Tennessee

    Walk at least 10,000 paces during pistol duel   – Texas

    Decorate bunker   – Utah

    Register as a sap donor   – Vermont

    Beat congressional ethics inquiry   – Virginia

    Shame more people for not going to therapy   – Washington

    Finally finish that book they started burning last year   – West Virginia

    Lose enough weight to fit into old wedding
ghillie suit   – Wisconsin

    Consummate relationship with tumbleweed   – Wyoming


Letters to the Editor:
J. Ewing wrote 12/24/23 re Dr. William Devries (1962-2023):
Wrong.     Dr. William Castle DeVries was born December 19, 1943,
is now 80, and is still alive and kicking – as is his wife, Linda Marsh.

Linda is a fellow Kentucky RN.  I haven't seen Bill or Linda in years,
but I'd know if either one of them had croaked.   Fun  people.    Linda
was always a hoot.   And Bill was always obedient – sat  there,  quiet,
while the rest of us nurses ran our mouths  – and knowing full well he
was going to get stuck with the bar tab for us all.
Different William DeVries – sorry.    – Ed.

Dumb news from Indiana:


   Andrew Davis fills a customer order at the new 7 Brew in Kokomo.

                                                                             [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Cindy Mullins, of Lexington, lost all four limbs  to  amputa-
tions
. . . .

Titless Lieutenant Governor Jacqueline Coleman had a dou-
ble mastectomy
.
                                                                     [courtesy Lex18]


Quotations of the week:
"When you steal from an author, it's plagiarism.  When you steal from
  two or more, it's research."
                                                – Wilson Mizner

"With humans it's an abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet."
                                                                                                         – George Carlin
"A man's writing is 'art.'  A woman's is 'life-style blog'."
                                                                                              – Mia Mercado
Alternative spelling of Thursday:  Idon'tcareday.

Birthdays:
                  December 25:  Justin Trudeau, 52
                                           Rickey Henderson, 65
                                           Sissy Spacek, 74
                                           
Merry Clayton, 75
                                           Barbara Mandrell, 75
                                           Larry Csonka, 77
                                           Jimmy Buffett (1946-3023)
                                           Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)
                                           He for Whom this Day is Named (ca. 4 BC - 29 AD)
                                            (and not listed in Famous Birthdays on December 25)

                    December 26: Alex Wang, 40         –––>
                                            David Sedaris, 67
                                            Kitty Dukakis, 87
                                           Phil Spector (1939-2021)
                                           Steve Allen (1921-2000)
                                           Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976)
alexwang.jpg
                     December 27:  Karla Bonoff, 72
                                            Tracy Nelson, 79 (this one, not that one)
                                             Corrine "Cokie" Roberts (1943-2019)
                     December 28:  Edgar Winter, 77
                                             Maggie Smith, 89
                                             Joe Diffie (1958-2020)
                     December 29:  Paula Poundstone, 64
                                            Yvonne Elliman, 72
                                             Marianne Faitfhfull, 77
                                             William Augustus "Dub" Jones, 99
                                             Mary Tyler Moore (1936-2017)
                     December 30:  
LeBron James, 39
                                             A. J. Pierzynski, 47
                                             Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, 48
                                             Patti Smith, 77
                                             Paul Stookey, 85
                                             Sanford Koufax, 88
                                             John Hartford (1937-2001)
                                             Mary Penick ("Skeeter Davis," 1931-2004)
                                             Titus (39-81)
                    December 31:  Anthony Hopkins, 86
                                            
Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, 88
                                             Donna Summer (1948-2012)
                                             Henri Matisse (1869-1954)

Tabloid deadlines:
                                Mike Nussbaum, 99
                                Tom Smothers, 86
                                Laura Lynch, 65
        
Wanted in Wichita (IKansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Thomas Willhite, WM, 47, 6'3", 290 lbs, assault, flee & elude,
damage; Krista Cardona, WF, 42, 5'5", 140 lbs, mistreatment of dependent adult; Percy Dixon, BM, 5'4", 160 lbs, narcotics, felon w/firearm

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                           "27A  Before heading down the chimney, Santa– "
            Answer:  GOTTHESACK
                                                                                                        [L.A. Times 12/25/23]

Borf 's weekly BONUS (most of the "Bonus" comes from the Harper's In-
    dex web site,  but we had the same problem with that this week that we
    had with the grocery:   Nothing  new.    However,  the print publication
    Funny Times has a "Harper's Index" section and other funnies):
Portion of Americans who wish they had paid more attention  to  math
in school:  2/3. . . . Who wish they had paid less attention to math:  1/3.
. . . Minor predictions for 2024:  You will get a parking ticket – You will
lend money to someone who will not pay it back.  –   You will lose your
shoes –You will regret buying a piece of art at a craft fair – You will win
second prize in a beauty contest.
                                                            [courtesy Harper's, Funny Times]

kauffman.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nathaniel Lohman, 25, robbery; Martinez Ramiro, 28, stalking, c.s., felon w/firearm;
Chance Taylor, 30, ag. assault, burglary; Mark Rios, 19, ctrld. substs.; Shanna Kauffman, 38, theft; Kevin Mitchell, 37, sex. ass.; Roger Owen, 47, DUI

D
ear Eleanor:
                            My eldest daughter is 15.  She is a sweet girl, has friends, and
                              does pretty well in school.  Her dad and I love her,  but about
                             once a week I go into her room and straighten
up.   She knows
                             I do when she gets home
from band practice.
   
                            My question concerns her diary.  She usually leaves it peek-
                            ing out from under her pillow.     Lately I haven’t seen any-
                            thing too alarming, but I'm wondering if what I’m doing is
                            wrong?

                            My whole family reads your column,    and we talk about
                            your
questions and answers at the dinner table sometimes.
                            I’m curious to know what you think about what I’m doing?

                                                                                               Miserable in MO
Dear MO:
                      Well,  of  course  it's wrong to read your daughter's diary if she
                       does not know you do.  And what's wrong to begin with?


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at
the offices of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville,
Kentucky,   just  
after   services   at  the  Boiling
Springs  General  Baptist  Church 
every Sunday.
Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near
future include Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 24, 2023:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
   
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:



hed23124.jpg Christmas at the Palace, a Royal family album, Charles & Camilla, Caroling with Kate, growing up Royal: George, Charlotte & Louis (People); Patrick Dempsey:
Sexiest man alive (People); Young & Restless turns 50! 46 new interviews, juicy backstage gossip, famous alumni, unforgettable love stories (Soap Opera Digest); Clarence
Thomas collapses from exhauustion after first full day of regulating himself (Borowitz); Favorite curse word in every state (Onion); Bruce Willis: Inside his brave battle (US Weekly)
Letters to the Editor:
I've seen the drawing from Life Saver Dude's  toilet  paper  roll  holder
patent  before. 
The inventor,  Wheeler,  obviously had no cats.

I've spent many years reviewing patent applications for Motorola. The
toilet paper sketch illustrates only a  "preferred  implementation,"  not
exclusive of others.   The debate lives!
                                                                                              Tony Dean

Merry Christmas to you, yours and all fellow readers of Tabloid Head-
lines.

                                                                                               Jonell Kerr

Dumb news from Indiana:


  Russiaville
Western High School juniors Molly Stage, Emily Dinn, Sydney Ousley and
  Gabbi Mawbey  (left to right)  were  named  "Rising  Stars"  by the Indiana Association
  of School Principals.
                                                                                                 
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]


underwod.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Chadwick Crowley, WM, 5'8", 180 lbs, meth; Mrlisa Finn,
WF, 5'2", 165 lbs, theft; Michael Carroll, BM, 5'8", 190 lbs, meth; Heath Underwood, WM, 5'11", 210 lbs, parole violation (auto theft)

jacksonc.jpg Christopher Leonard, BM, 6'2", 170 lbs, prob viol (armed rob); Willie Anderson, BM, 5'11", 170 lbs, parole vi (armed robbery); Christopher
Marsh, WM, 6'5", 205 lbs, parole viol (meth); Carlos Jackson, BM, 6'3", 190 lobs, upside down ears, parole viol (battery); Terry Bonner, BM, 6', 200 lbs, escape
Dumb news from Kentucky:

tamarios.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette) Bret Thomas Hardin, 27, Bloomfield, failure to appear; Jessica Santana Duren, 38, Vine Grove, fail to appear; Tamarious
Lovell Montgomery, Springfield, speeding, coke; Melissa Jean Cambron, 36, Bardstown, contempt of court, Russell Dewayne Jeffries, 38, New Haven, evading police

Nearly 150 pedestrians have been struck by motor ve-
hicles in Lexington this year.
                                                          [courtesy LEX18]
Quotations of the Wheat:
"I now know how gay people feel when coming out of the closet.
  I'm a Swiftie."
                                                                                                               – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                   December 18:  Christina Aguilera, 43
                                            
Barkha Dutt, 52
                                            Steven Spielberg, 77
                                            Keith Richards, 80
                   December 19:  Jennifer Beals, 60
                                           Janie Fricke, 76
                                            Dr. William DeVries (1962-2023)
                                            Phil Ochs (1940-1976)
                                            Cicely Tyson (1924-2021)
                   
                    December 20:
  Alan Parsons, 77
                                            Uri Geller,77
                    December 21:  Emmanuel Macron, 46
                                            Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland, 57
                                            Chris Evert, 69
                                            Michael Tilson Thomas, 79
                                            Jane Fonda, 86
                                            Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
                    December 22:  Diane Sawyer, 78
                                            Paul Wolfowitz, 80
                                            Maurice and Robin Gibb (1949-2003, -2012)

                   December 23:  Jorma Kaukonen, 83
                                           
Paul Hornung (1935-2020)
                   December 24:  Mary Barra, 6
2
                                            Hamid Karzai, 66
                                            Jeff Sessions, 77
                                            Anthony Fauci, 83
                                           
Ava Gardner (1922-1990)


autumnfe.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff) Autumn Fay Fees, WF, 5'4", 135 lbs, probation violation (opiates); Donivan Daquewon Love, BM, 5'11", 150 lbs, opiates
& mj; Jessica Ruth Cruz, HF, 39, 5'4", 124 lbs, endangering a child; Robert Tysean Love, BM, 27, 6', 270 lbs, felon w/gun; Brittney Jade Richard, WF, 32, 6'2", 125 lbs, probation violation (drug paraphernalia)
Borf's weekly BONUS:
Former running back Rashard Mendenhall of the National Foot-
ball League's Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals  recom-
mended an all-star game between an all-white team  and  an all-
black team. . . . The House of Representatives passed a defense
spending bill that includes a measure aimed  at 
"ending  woke-
ness
in the military."  . . .  Celine Dion was diagnosed with stiff
person syndrome
.
                                                       courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]


bowdriem.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) Bowdrie Wayne Stillwell, WM, 33, 5' 10", 210 lbs, abandon. child; Nataleigh Danielle Dunn, WF, 32, 5', 145 lbs
 probation viol. (cs); Benjamin Fuentes, HM, 33, 5'6", 230 lbs, evading arrest; Michele Garcia-Perez, HM, 50, control. subst.; Gregory Weaver, BM, 6'2", 250 lbs, evading arrest
Dear readers:
                            Merry Xmas.
                                                Eleanor


melendez.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Joselyn Hernandez, 21, ctl subs.; Chad Ramirez, 21, paraph.; Rebecca
Modrano, 42, NOL; Norman Harris, 48, fam assault; Kelli Hubble, 42, assault of judge; Philip Martinez, 42, DUI, Lori Melendez Howell, 44, gun theft
DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at
the offices of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville,
Kentucky,   just  
after   services   at  the  Boiling
Springs  General  Baptist  Church 
every Sunday.
Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near
future include Kareen Abdul-Jabbar.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the messagel
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


lifenext.jpg Life Saver Dude: "Next-to-Last Supper" Disciple Wait 'til  you taste the soufflé – you'll think you've died and gone to heaven"

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 17, 2023:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
   
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:


hed23123.jpg Unbridled greed exposed, King Charles gets rich robbing the dead, hijacks $75 million to rerpair his homes (Globe); Harry & Meghan book bombshell, Charles named royal racist,
private letters confirm identify, shocking new details about Archie's skin color, why Meghan & Harry tried to protect him (Star); King Charles disowns sex creep Andrew (Globe); Britney lipo binge
(Globe); Dallas ER docs' secret testimony foundm JFK autopsy cover-up exposed, shot by more than one gun, agents tampered with corpse, proof of conspiracy (National Enquirer)


hed231232.jpg Dolly's trafic family secrets revealed, losing baby changed everything, ugly feud with sister Stella, why she can't stop working (Examiner); Scientology's darkest secrets exposed, Sex ring! (Enquirer); What the
Crown got wrong: Diana & Dodi: Inside their final 24 hours, love, tears & a 'priceless' engagement ring, ' he proposed - and she accepted, she planned to move to Paris, shocking new details on what caused death (In Touch0

Dumb news from Indiana:

phillips.jpg Wanted in Sourth Bend: Nicolas Robinson, WM, 6'3", 250 lbs, meth; Marshawn Phillips-McKinstry, BM, 5'3", 120 lbs, rob.; Cynthia
Cope, WF, 5'5", 160 lbs, fraud; Blake Edwards, BM, 6'1", 175 lbs, domestic battery; Chiqueal Baker, BM, 5'9", 170 lbs, theft, esc.

Fewer than one-third of the state's grade and middle school
pupils  got  passing  grades  on the latest round of standard
tests.
                                               [courtesy Columbus Republic]
Dumb news from Kentucky:

mackenzi.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Mackenzie Anderson, WF, 26, 5'8", 140 lbs, burglary, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
Birthdays:
                   December 11:  Brenda Lee, 79
                                           Teri Garr, 79
                                           John Kerry, 80
                                           David Gates, 83
                                           Rosa Dolores Alverio ("Rita Moreno"), 92
                   December 12:  Tracy Austin, 61
                                            Dickey Betts, 80
                                            
Dionne "Warwick" Warrick, 83
                                            Concetta Franconera ("Connie Francis"), 86
                                            Bob Barker (1923-2023)
                   December 13:  Taylor Swift, 34
                                            Ferguson Jenkins, 81
                                            Carl Erskine, 97
                                            Dick Van Dyke, 98
                                            Christopher Plummer (1929-2021)
                                            George P. Shultz (1920-2021)

                   December 14:  Abigail Lassman ("Abbe Lane"), 91
                                            Felix the Cat, 104
                                            
Patty Duke (1946-2016)
                   
December 15:  Dave Clark, 84
                                            Cindy Birdsong, 84
                                            Eddie Robinson (1920-2021)
                                            Nero (37-68)
                   December 16:  Benny Andersson, 77
                                            Leslie Stahl, 82

                                            Liv Ullmann, 85
                                            Morris Dees, 87
                   December 17:  Pope Jorge, 87

Tabloid deadlines:
                                Julian Carroll, 92
                                Sheikh Nawaf Al Ahmad Al Sabah.86

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            41D "This herb is amazing!"
            Answer:  GREATTYME                                                          [L.A. Times 12/3/23]


mahagana.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Cynthia Maldonado, HF, 66, 5'1". 142 lbs, burglary Jarred Dotson, WM, 26, 6'1", 230 lbs, credit
card; Brittany Nichole Grant, WF, 34, 5'5", ID fraud; Isai Torres-Rodriguez, HM, 18, 5'10", 140 lbs, evading arrest; Mahaganay Denice Davis, BF, 34, 5'7", 287 lbs (Yorkshire hog). theft
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
A Willis, Texas, High School basketball player and his family beat up the
coach who had benched him mid-game. .  .  . A city councilman in Rain-
ier,  Washington,  who did not vote in his re-election campaign  lost  by
one vote
. . . . A kangaroo being transferred from one zoo to another in
Canada escaped and  punched  a  policeman  trying to catch her  in  the
face. .  .  .  In the 16th century, Nostradamus predicted that the U.S. and
China would be at war  in  2024  and  that  Prince Harry would become
King of England. .  .  .  A 10-year-old black boy who pissed in a parking
lot
in Mississippi was sentenced to three months' probation  and  an  es-
say on Kobe Bryant.
                                                             courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


felipere.jpg Locked uup in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Gabriel Lopez, 22, burglary; Joseph Pulido, 54, ctl. substs.; Crystal
Cabrera, 36, cruelty to livestock; Eduardo Lopez, 18, weapons; Felipe Reyes, 42, theft; Delisa Urenda, 40, mj, bail jumping; Jessie Viafranco, 58, c.s.

Dear Eleanor:
                        My boy friend of 13 years, 6 years older than I,
                        wants to retire in a year or two  and move more
                        than  200  miles  away  from the town we live in
                        now.  I have my own home, family and job here,
                        and I've lived here my entire life.

                        We have no plans to marry or live together.  May
                        we try a long-distance relationship,  or  break  up
                        now?
                                                         Perplexed in the Midwest

Dear Perp:
                    I'd stay where I was if I were you.  You might be
                    able to set up visits.


latwalla.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas):  Andrers M. Mondoux, HM, 22, 5'9", 155 lbs, aggravated battery; Tashe
Latwalla Fluker, BF, 47, 5'2", 160 lbs, probation violation (aggravated battery); Jason Earl Haggard, BM, 47, 5'6", 200 lbs, viol. of protect. ord.
    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table
at the offices of Borf Books outside  Brownsville,
Kentucky, just
after services at the Boiling Spring
Church of Christ 
every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for  meetings  in  the  near  future  include
Rudolph Giuliani.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


Life Saver Dude: From the top, plop, plop, plop "The original patent from 1891 for a toilet paper roll shows the correct rolling dirrection, in case you ever doubted"

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 10, 2023:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
   
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:


hed23122.jpg Duchess turning Hollywood housewife, Meghan's $20 million reality TV deal, Harry helpless! Royals' nightmare, inside her big payday (Globe); Christmas jeer, Mariah's holiday empire collapsing
(Globe); Plastic fantastic, Lovesick Sofia gets new face (Globe); Santos vows to spend more time with imaginary family (Borowitz); Sturdy Wisconsin gal shields whole nation from gust of wind (Onion)
Dumb news from Indiana:

            The Kokomo Civic Theatre chorus brings a twist to a Christmas classic. . . .           

                       
                                       Ole Olson Memorial Theatre, Jake's Women . . .      

                                                              [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
calthcat.jpg Cal the cat of Kokomo has been named pet of the week
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 2-year-old girl with an IQ in the 98th percentile joined Men-
sa
. . . . A study found that Kentucky has the highest LBGT per-
centage of individuals per state.
                                                                         [courtesy LEX18]

Birthdays:
                    December 4:  Marisa Tomei, 59
                                           Chris Hillman, 79
                                           Anna McGarrigle, 79
                                           Dennis Wilson (1944-1983)
                  
                    December 5:  Jim Plunkett, 76
                                         "Little" Richard Wayne Penniman (1932-2020)
   
                 December 6:  Elian Gonzalez, 30
                                           Richard Speck (1941-1991)
                                           Dave Brubeck (1920-2012)
                                           Otto Graham (1921-2003)
                    December 7:  Vàclav Chalupa Jr., 56
                                           Johnny Bench, 76
                                           Ellen Burstyn, 91
                                           Noam Chomsky, 95
                                           Harry Chapin (1942-1981)
                    December 8:  Nicki Minaj, 41
                                           Shuhadá Davitt
 ("Sinead O'Connor," 1966-2023)
                                           Jim Morrison (1943-1971)

                    December 9:  World B. Free, 70
                                           Judi Dench, 89
                                           Dick Butkus (1942-2023)
                                           Kirk Douglas (1916-2020)
                  December 10:  Diane Schuur, 70
                                           Ralph Tavares (1941-2021)
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Norman Lear, 103
                                Ryan O'Neal, 82
                                Denny Laine, 79

Quotations of the week:
                                         "Go fuck yourself."

                                                                            Elon Musk, to representatives of companies
                                                                              
that pulled ads from his social medium plat-
                                                                               form X after he agreed with claims that Jew-
                                                                               ish communities were pushing a hatred of whites

        "To Hell with this place."
                                                    George Santos, leaving the U.S. Capitol
        "
Hopefully no one dies."
                                                    – Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, on Republican
                                                       prospects for holding a majority in the House

   

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            23A "Score a seafood morsel in a bite
                                                                      of paella"
            Answer:  PULLAMUSSEL                                        [L.A. Times 12/3/23]


Dear Eleanor:

                            I have 19 kids to see today, and I have neither
                            the time nor the energy.  Any ideas?

                                                                             Amy, Therapist
Dear Amy:
                      Hire a baby-sitter to entertain the kids, and go to the
                      golf course.


sinnett.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): David E. Sinnett, WM, 68, 5'8", 168 lbs, aggravated battery; Carlos D.
Vasquez, HM, 25, 5'5", 120 lbs, probation violation (aggr. domestic bat.); Evan P. Dwyer, WM, 25, 6', 200 lbs, ag. indecent liberties w/child

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at
the offices of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville,
Kentucky,   just  
after   services   at  the  Boiling
Springs  General  Baptist  Church 
every Sunday.
Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near
future include Hundy Hundra.



ayalaoli.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Olivia Nicole Ayala, HF, 28, 5'5", 180 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probaton violation (burglary); Bradley Lee Pharries, HM, 25, 6'1", 142 lbs, prob
viol. (ID fraud); Brehan Hotopp, WF, 41, 5'7", 155 lbs, probation viol. (burglary); Justin Patrick Pitts, BM, 25, 5'7", 150 lbs, probation viol. (tamp. w/ev.); Michelyn Vakell Baker, BF, 20, 4'4", 115 lbs, pro. viol. (evading arr.)


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Time magazine named Taylor Swift its "person of the year." . . . Bren-
da Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" finally made No. 1 on
Billboard's Top Hot 100 Chart, 65 years after its release.

                                                             courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

kevrevel.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Kevin Revell, 49, for U.S. marshal; Martin Valadez, 42, felon w/gun; Jose Ramirez, 50, marijuana,
DWOL, no ins., possession of drug paraphernalia icon; John Milligan, 28, pub. intox.; Joshua Falcon, 34, ev. tampering, paraphernalia; Julian Esquivel, 23, family assault

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


lifedrip.jpg Lide Saver Dude: Everywhere a drip-drip . . . "There's a drip right here, and a drip right there, here's a drip, there's a drip, everywhere a –" "OK, I get it!"


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 3, 2023:    Things you would never know if you did not browse the
   
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:



hed23121.jpg William & Harry's broken bond, It's over (People); William & Kate not speaking for 2 weeks, sent to separate royal events to cool off, battling over work & children,
he accusesher of picking fights, Camilla's heartfelt advice ignored! (In Touch); Over after 16 years, Justin & Jessica divorce rumors explode! Justin jets to Mexico to escape the drama,
she doesn't recognize the man she married, turns off social media to avoid vicious trolling, Jessica still tortured by past cheating (Star); Brad Pitt: How he fond love again (US Weekly)
Dumb news from Indiana:
A Kokomo policeman was acquitted by a jury of assault in a road rage inci-
dent but convicted of disorderly conduct.
                                                                            
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]


rosscoat2.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Ross Coats Jr. WM, 6'2", 250 lbs, community corrrections violation, burg., theft; Mar
shawnhilliips-McKinstry, BM, 5'3", 120 lbs, robbery; Leon Lovelady Jr., BM, 5'7", 160 lbs, residential entry; Arthur McNeeley, WM, 5'5", 200 lbs, reckless homicide
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentcuky Senator Rand Paul, a physician, rescued Iowa Sen-
ator Joni Ernst with a Heimlich maneuver  at a Senate lunch.

                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

vargasmx.jpg Lexington's most wanted Matias Vargas-Cruz, HM, 19, robbery, burglary, wanton endangerment; Jkobe Steven Johnson, BM, 25, 5'9", 140 lbs, sodomy of child under 12
Birthdays:
                   November 27:  Caroline Kennedy-Schlossberg, 66
                                            Bill Nye, 68
                                            Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970)
                                            Bruce Lee (1940-1973
                    November 28:  Randy Newman, 80
                                             Gary Hart, 87
                                             Berry Gordy, 94
                    November 29:  Chuck Mangione, 83
                                             Vin Scully (1927-2022)
                    November 30:  Bo Jackson, 61
                                             Terrence Malick, 80
                                             Paul Stookey, 86
                                             Abbie Hoffman (1936-1989)
                                             G. Gordon Liddy (1930-2021)
                      December 1:  Bette Midler, 78
                                             Dianne Lennon, 84
                                             Allan Konigsberg ("Woody Allen"), 88
                      December 2:  
Barkley the Dog, 5
                                             Britney Spears, 42
                                             Monica Seles, 50
                                             Cathy Lee Crosby, 79 (not Kathryn Grant Crosby, 90 last week)
                                             Yael Dayan, 84 (but Wikipedia says February 12, 1939)
                                             Edwin Meese, 91
                                             Harry Reid (1939-2021)
                      December 3:  Mary Margaret "Jaye P." Morgan, 92
                                             Jean-Luc Godard (1930-2022)
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Henry Kissinger, 100
                                Sandra Day O'Connor, 93
                                Frances Sternhagen, 93
                                Suzanne Shepherd, 89
                                Shane MacGowan, 65


guadalup.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Guadalupe Martinez, 40, DUI; Angelica Trevino, 44,
DUI; Josie Metz, 22, DUI; Maria Asebedo, 49, DUI; Nisa Montoya, 23, Mobery; Maria Wagoner, 60, DUI; Shannon Castaneda 47, DUI

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Andrew Cuomo, Eric Adams, Axl Rose and Sean “Diddy” Combs were
accused of sexual assault.  .  .  .  Palestinian protesters cut in front of the
Sinclair Oil dinosaur in Macy's Thanksgiving parade. . . . More than 300
animals transported from California to Arizona for adoption  were sold
to the reptile feeding company Fertile Turtle for snake food. .  .  .  More
than a million chickens were scheduled for slaughter at an  egg  farm  in
Ohio to curb an outbreak of bird flu. . . . President Biden confused Tay-
lor Swift
  with Britney Spears  in his speech pardoring the turkeys Liber-
ty and Bell. . . .  New York Congressman George Santos compared him-
self to Mary Magdalene.
                                                               [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]



leeroyto.jpg Leeroy Tovar Fuentes, HM, 23, 5'5", 155 lbs, injury to child, Nathan Antonio Parham, BM, 33, 5'3", 150 lbs, strangulation, theft,
Channon Sorenson, WF, 49, 5' 2", 115 lbs, probation viol (cs); unidentified; Darrell Hood, BM, 67, 5'10"", 115 lbs, probation viol. (drunken manslaughter)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I am 54 years old, and my (second) husband
                            drinks at least six beers every evening.    He
                            gets up by 6 a.m.  to go to work  and  works
                            all day  without issues  (to  my  knowledge).
                            He does, however, start drinking at 4:30 or 5
                            p.m. and will drink until he goes to bed   (be-
                            tween 9 to 10 p.m.). I asked him to stop and
                            he flat-out said no.   I asked him to cut back.
                            He did for a while but now is drinking every
                            evening again.

                            I have an extremely long work commute; I go
                            to bed early and get up by 4:30 a.m.  We have
                            not been intimate or even cuddled in years.   I
                            have told him this bothers me, but he says it’s
                            all my fault.  I love him so much,  and he still
                            gives me butterflies (I’ve told him this).

                            Nothing has worked..  I can’t imagine my life
                            without him,  but I also can’t live my life like
                            this.  Is this  selfish?  I mean, we did say “for
                            better or for worse.”
                                                                        Miserable in MO

Dear MO:
                      Maybe what he heard was "bitters or warps."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at
the offices of  Borf  Books  outside  Brownsville,
Kentucky,   just  
after   services   at  the  Boiling
Springs  General  Baptist  Church 
every Sunday.
Guest speakers  lined up for meetings in the near
future include Melanie Renate.



Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            53A "Hot dogs and hamburgers
                                                                     sold at a NASCAR race"
            Answer:  TRACKMEAT                                                            [L.A. Times 12/3/23]


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)




"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor