Find slaves that escaped plantation – AlabamaLetters to the Editor:
Shave the bears – Alaska
Remember name of grandson – Arizona
Read less – Arkansas
Try a calorie for the first time – California
Find way down mountain – Colorado
Become active in community by petitioning country club to at least allow Asians – Connecticut
Be less quaint – Delaware
Try to do one simple thing each day that makes an immigrant’s life worse – Florida
Reconnect with estranged father, mother, siblings, cousin and grandparents – Georgia
Continue living in Hawaii – Hawaii
Taste an exotic delicacy from P. F. Chang's – Idaho
Cut down on breaks between meals – Illinois
Finally get a look at spouses nipples – Indiana
Ignore louder and louder whispering coming from the cornfield – Iowa
Cure mental illness by being kicked in the head by a donkey – Kansas
Eat a winning horse for once – Kentucky
Get arm back from gator – Louisiana
Make it through just one squall without being washed overboard – Maine
Free self from crab trap – Maryland
Escape from drunk tank – Massachusetts
Get back down to college blood-alcohol content – Michigan
Cut down on junk food sprinkled over casserole – Minnesota
Settle down and get married before eighth-grade graduation – Mississippi
Help Ukrainians defend themselves – Missouri
Run headfirst into a buffalo for science – Montana
There are no resolutions – Nebraska
Make more time for nickel slots addiction – Nevada
Cut down to a pack of fentanyl a day – New Hampshire
Get plastic surgery to fix previous plastic surgery – New Jersey
Take up new hobby stealing Native American art and traditions – New Mexico
Gain respect of rat king – New York
Save frat from being disbanded – North Carolina
Become God – North Dakota
Get date rape expunged from college record – Ohio
Learn to tie lynch rope – Oklahoma
Meet a black person – Oregon
Stay out of the woods at night – Pennsylvania
Run three laps around state every day – Rhode Island
Find out what a palmetto is – South Carolina
Part ways with toxic horse – South Dakota
Practice gratitude for Dolly Parton's breasts – Tennessee
Walk at least 10,000 paces during pistol duel – Texas
Decorate bunker – Utah
Register as a sap donor – Vermont
Beat congressional ethics inquiry – Virginia
Shame more people for not going to therapy – Washington
Finally finish that book they started burning last year – West Virginia
Lose enough weight to fit into old wedding ghillie suit – Wisconsin
Consummate relationship with tumbleweed – Wyoming
J. Ewing wrote 12/24/23 re Dr. William Devries (1962-2023):
Wrong. Dr. William Castle DeVries was born December 19, 1943,Different William DeVries – sorry. – Ed.
is now 80, and is still alive and kicking – as is his wife, Linda Marsh.
Linda is a fellow Kentucky RN. I haven't seen Bill or Linda in years,
but I'd know if either one of them had croaked. Fun people. Linda
was always a hoot. And Bill was always obedient – sat there, quiet,
while the rest of us nurses ran our mouths – and knowing full well he
was going to get stuck with the bar tab for us all.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Andrew Davis fills a customer order at the new 7 Brew in Kokomo.
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
Cindy Mullins, of Lexington, lost all four limbs to amputa-Quotations of the week:
tions. . . .
Titless Lieutenant Governor Jacqueline Coleman had a dou-
ble mastectomy.
[courtesy Lex18]
"When you steal from an author, it's plagiarism. When you steal fromAlternative spelling of Thursday: Idon'tcareday.
two or more, it's research."
– Wilson Mizner
"With humans it's an abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet."
– George Carlin
"A man's writing is 'art.' A woman's is 'life-style blog'."
– Mia Mercado
December 26: Alex
Wang, 40
–––> David Sedaris, 67 Kitty Dukakis, 87 Phil Spector (1939-2021) Steve Allen (1921-2000) Mao Tse-tung (1893-1976) |
Portion of Americans who wish they had paid more attention to math
in school: 2/3. . . . Who wish they had paid less attention to math: 1/3.
. . . Minor predictions for 2024: You will get a parking ticket – You will
lend money to someone who will not pay it back. – You will lose your
shoes –You will regret buying a piece of art at a craft fair – You will win
second prize in a beauty contest.
[courtesy Harper's, Funny Times]
kauffman.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nathaniel Lohman, 25, robbery; Martinez Ramiro, 28, stalking, c.s., felon w/firearm;
Chance Taylor, 30, ag. assault, burglary; Mark Rios, 19, ctrld. substs.; Shanna Kauffman, 38, theft; Kevin Mitchell, 37, sex. ass.; Roger Owen, 47, DUI
DISCUSSION
GROUP: Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just after services at the Boiling Springs General Baptist Church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Gypsy Rose Blanchard. |
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Borf Books borf@borfents.com
Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer 270-597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
I've seen the drawing from Life Saver Dude's toilet paper roll holder
patent before. The inventor, Wheeler, obviously had no cats.
I've spent many years reviewing patent applications for Motorola. The
toilet paper sketch illustrates only a "preferred implementation," not
exclusive of others. The debate lives!
Tony Dean
Merry Christmas to you, yours and all fellow readers of Tabloid Head-
lines.
Jonell Kerr
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Russiaville Western High School juniors Molly Stage, Emily Dinn, Sydney Ousley and
Gabbi Mawbey (left to right) were named "Rising Stars" by the Indiana Association
of School Principals.
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
underwod.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Chadwick Crowley, WM, 5'8", 180 lbs, meth; Mrlisa Finn,
WF, 5'2", 165 lbs, theft; Michael Carroll, BM, 5'8", 190 lbs, meth; Heath Underwood, WM, 5'11", 210 lbs, parole violation (auto theft)jacksonc.jpg Christopher Leonard, BM, 6'2", 170 lbs, prob viol (armed rob); Willie Anderson, BM, 5'11", 170 lbs, parole vi (armed robbery); Christopher
Marsh, WM, 6'5", 205 lbs, parole viol (meth); Carlos Jackson, BM, 6'3", 190 lobs, upside down ears, parole viol (battery); Terry Bonner, BM, 6', 200 lbs, escape
tamarios.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette) Bret Thomas Hardin, 27, Bloomfield, failure to appear; Jessica Santana Duren, 38, Vine Grove, fail to appear; Tamarious
Lovell Montgomery, Springfield, speeding, coke; Melissa Jean Cambron, 36, Bardstown, contempt of court, Russell Dewayne Jeffries, 38, New Haven, evading police
Nearly 150 pedestrians have been struck by motor ve-
hicles in Lexington this year.
[courtesy LEX18]
Quotations
of the Wheat:"I now know how gay people feel when coming out of the closet. |
Borf's weekly BONUS:autumnfe.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff) Autumn Fay Fees, WF, 5'4", 135 lbs, probation violation (opiates); Donivan Daquewon Love, BM, 5'11", 150 lbs, opiates
& mj; Jessica Ruth Cruz, HF, 39, 5'4", 124 lbs, endangering a child; Robert Tysean Love, BM, 27, 6', 270 lbs, felon w/gun; Brittney Jade Richard, WF, 32, 6'2", 125 lbs, probation violation (drug paraphernalia)
Former running back Rashard Mendenhall of the National Foot-Dear readers:
ball League's Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals recom-
mended an all-star game between an all-white team and an all-
black team. . . . The House of Representatives passed a defense
spending bill that includes a measure aimed at "ending woke-
ness in the military." . . . Celine Dion was diagnosed with stiff
person syndrome.
courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
bowdriem.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) Bowdrie Wayne Stillwell, WM, 33, 5' 10", 210 lbs, abandon. child; Nataleigh Danielle Dunn, WF, 32, 5', 145 lbs
probation viol. (cs); Benjamin Fuentes, HM, 33, 5'6", 230 lbs, evading arrest; Michele Garcia-Perez, HM, 50, control. subst.; Gregory Weaver, BM, 6'2", 250 lbs, evading arrest
Eleanor
melendez.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Joselyn Hernandez, 21, ctl subs.; Chad Ramirez, 21, paraph.; Rebecca
Modrano, 42, NOL; Norman Harris, 48, fam assault; Kelli Hubble, 42, assault of judge; Philip Martinez, 42, DUI, Lori Melendez Howell, 44, gun theft
DISCUSSION
GROUP: Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just after services at the Boiling Springs General Baptist Church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Kareen Abdul-Jabbar. |
lifenext.jpg Life Saver Dude: "Next-to-Last Supper" Disciple Wait 'til you taste the soufflé – you'll think you've died and gone to heaven"
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Borf Books borf@borfents.com
Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer 270-597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
Dumb news from Kentucky:phillips.jpg Wanted in Sourth Bend: Nicolas Robinson, WM, 6'3", 250 lbs, meth; Marshawn Phillips-McKinstry, BM, 5'3", 120 lbs, rob.; Cynthia
Cope, WF, 5'5", 160 lbs, fraud; Blake Edwards, BM, 6'1", 175 lbs, domestic battery; Chiqueal Baker, BM, 5'9", 170 lbs, theft, esc.
Fewer than one-third of the state's grade and middle school
pupils got passing grades on the latest round of standard
tests.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
Birthdays:mackenzi.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Mackenzie Anderson, WF, 26, 5'8", 140 lbs, burglary, Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
Borf 's weekly BONUS:mahagana.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Cynthia Maldonado, HF, 66, 5'1". 142 lbs, burglary Jarred Dotson, WM, 26, 6'1", 230 lbs, credit
card; Brittany Nichole Grant, WF, 34, 5'5", ID fraud; Isai Torres-Rodriguez, HM, 18, 5'10", 140 lbs, evading arrest; Mahaganay Denice Davis, BF, 34, 5'7", 287 lbs (Yorkshire hog). theft
A Willis, Texas, High School basketball player and his family beat up theDear Eleanor:
coach who had benched him mid-game. . . . A city councilman in Rain-
ier, Washington, who did not vote in his re-election campaign lost by
one vote. . . . A kangaroo being transferred from one zoo to another in
Canada escaped and punched a policeman trying to catch her in the
face. . . . In the 16th century, Nostradamus predicted that the U.S. and
China would be at war in 2024 and that Prince Harry would become
King of England. . . . A 10-year-old black boy who pissed in a parking
lot in Mississippi was sentenced to three months' probation and an es-
say on Kobe Bryant.
courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
felipere.jpg Locked uup in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Gabriel Lopez, 22, burglary; Joseph Pulido, 54, ctl. substs.; Crystal
Cabrera, 36, cruelty to livestock; Eduardo Lopez, 18, weapons; Felipe Reyes, 42, theft; Delisa Urenda, 40, mj, bail jumping; Jessie Viafranco, 58, c.s.
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectuallatwalla.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Andrers M. Mondoux, HM, 22, 5'9", 155 lbs, aggravated battery; Tashe
Latwalla Fluker, BF, 47, 5'2", 160 lbs, probation violation (aggravated battery); Jason Earl Haggard, BM, 47, 5'6", 200 lbs, viol. of protect. ord.
Life Saver Dude: From the top, plop, plop, plop "The original patent from 1891 for a toilet paper roll shows the correct rolling dirrection, in case you ever doubted"
Previous issue Next issue Archives index |
Borf Books borf@borfents.com
Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer 270-597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
The Kokomo Civic Theatre chorus brings a twist to a Christmas classic. . . .
Ole Olson Memorial Theatre, Jake's Women . . .
sinnett.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): David E. Sinnett, WM, 68, 5'8", 168 lbs, aggravated battery; Carlos D.
Vasquez, HM, 25, 5'5", 120 lbs, probation violation (aggr. domestic bat.); Evan P. Dwyer, WM, 25, 6', 200 lbs, ag. indecent liberties w/child
DISCUSSION
GROUP: Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just after services at the Boiling Springs General Baptist Church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Hundy Hundra. |
Time magazine named Taylor Swift its "person of the year." . . . Bren-
da Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" finally made No. 1 on
Billboard's Top Hot 100 Chart, 65 years after its release.
courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
kevrevel.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Kevin Revell, 49, for U.S. marshal; Martin Valadez, 42, felon w/gun; Jose Ramirez, 50, marijuana,
DWOL, no ins., possession of drug paraphernalia icon; John Milligan, 28, pub. intox.; Joshua Falcon, 34, ev. tampering, paraphernalia; Julian Esquivel, 23, family assault
lifedrip.jpg Lide Saver Dude: Everywhere a drip-drip . . . "There's a drip right here, and a drip right there, here's a drip, there's a drip, everywhere a –" "OK, I get it!"
Previous issue Next issue Archives index |
Borf Books borf@borfents.com
Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer 270-597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
A Kokomo policeman was acquitted by a jury of assault in a road rage inci-Dumb news from Kentucky:
dent but convicted of disorderly conduct.
[courtesy Kokomo Tribune]
rosscoat2.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Ross Coats Jr. WM, 6'2", 250 lbs, community corrrections violation, burg., theft; Mar
shawnhilliips-McKinstry, BM, 5'3", 120 lbs, robbery; Leon Lovelady Jr., BM, 5'7", 160 lbs, residential entry; Arthur McNeeley, WM, 5'5", 200 lbs, reckless homicide
Kentcuky Senator Rand Paul, a physician, rescued Iowa Sen-
ator Joni Ernst with a Heimlich maneuver at a Senate lunch.
[courtesy LEX18]
vargasmx.jpg Lexington's most wanted Matias Vargas-Cruz, HM, 19, robbery, burglary, wanton endangerment; Jkobe Steven Johnson, BM, 25, 5'9", 140 lbs, sodomy of child under 12
Borf 's weekly BONUS:guadalup.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Guadalupe Martinez, 40, DUI; Angelica Trevino, 44,
DUI; Josie Metz, 22, DUI; Maria Asebedo, 49, DUI; Nisa Montoya, 23, Mobery; Maria Wagoner, 60, DUI; Shannon Castaneda 47, DUI
Andrew Cuomo, Eric Adams, Axl Rose and Sean “Diddy” Combs wereDear Eleanor:
accused of sexual assault. . . . Palestinian protesters cut in front of the
Sinclair Oil dinosaur in Macy's Thanksgiving parade. . . . More than 300
animals transported from California to Arizona for adoption were sold
to the reptile feeding company Fertile Turtle for snake food. . . . More
than a million chickens were scheduled for slaughter at an egg farm in
Ohio to curb an outbreak of bird flu. . . . President Biden confused Tay-
lor Swift with Britney Spears in his speech pardoring the turkeys Liber-
ty and Bell. . . . New York Congressman George Santos compared him-
self to Mary Magdalene.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
leeroyto.jpg Leeroy Tovar Fuentes, HM, 23, 5'5", 155 lbs, injury to child, Nathan Antonio Parham, BM, 33, 5'3", 150 lbs, strangulation, theft,
Channon Sorenson, WF, 49, 5' 2", 115 lbs, probation viol (cs); unidentified; Darrell Hood, BM, 67, 5'10"", 115 lbs, probation viol. (drunken manslaughter)
DISCUSSION
GROUP: Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, just after services at the Boiling Springs General Baptist Church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Melanie Renate. |
Previous issue Next issue Archives index |
Borf Books borf@borfents.com
Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer 270-597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |