February 25 2024:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Dumb news from Indiana:
The legislature passed a
bill to restore happy
hours
to bars and restaurants.
[courtesy Indianapolis
Star]
orlivera.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Anthony Perry, WM, 5'8", 225 lbs, theft; Dwayne Jackson, BM, 6'2", 230 lbs,
intimidation; Terrance Singleton, BM, 5/6", 190 lbss, coke; Ricardo Olvera, HM, 5'6", 180 lbs, coke, meth; Jessse Ortiz,
HM, 5'3", 190 lbs, coke; Matthew Dean, WM, 5'8", 160 lbs, meth; David Ryan,Jr., WM, 5'11", 190 lbs, theft, meth;
Tacole Hart, 5'5", 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), meth; Marquis Duncan, 5'6", 145 lbs, murder; Lorraine Jackson, BF, 5'3",
180 lbs, coke; Joseph Miltenberger, WM, 5'10", 240 lbs, theft, meth; Dawnette Reagan, WF, 5'6", 190 lbs (YH), meth;
Jackson Donaldson, BM, 5'7", 170 lbs, perjury; Dawanda Vaughns, BF, 5'4", 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), theft
Dumb news from Kentucky:
kordvnn.jpg
Lexington's most wanted Korde Vann, BM, 6', 175 lbs, theft; Justina
Boggs, BF, 32, 5' 3", 140 lbs, theft by deception; Mark Banks, WM,
5'7", 170 lbs, burglary; Devin Lovett, BM, 33, 5'8", 160 lbs, burglary
Birthdays:
February
15: Ron Cey,
76
Susan
Brownmiller,
89
February
16: LeVar
Burton, 67
Salvatore
"Sonny" Bono
(1935-1998)
February
17: Paris
Hilton, 43
Tuesday
Knight, 55
Michael
Jordan, 61
Huey
Newton
(1942-1989)
Jim Brown
(1936-2023)
Hal Holbrook
(1925-2021)
February
18: Molly Ringwald, 56
Vanna White,
67
John
Travolta, 70
Judy "Juice" Newton,
72
Cybill
Shepherd, 74
Yoko Ono, 91
February 19:
Eric Yates, 57
Hana Mandlikova, 62
February 20:
Patty Hearst,
70
Mitch
McConneell, 82
Phil
Esposito, 82
Nancy
Wilson
(1937-2018)
Sidney
Poitier
(1927-2022)
John
Daly
(1914-1991)
February 21:
Mary Chapin
Carpenter, 66
Erma
Bombeck
(1927-1996)
February 22:
Julius Erving,
74
Dick
and Tom Van
Arsdale, 81
George
Washington
(1732-1799)
February 23:
Dakota
Fanning, 30
Naruhito, 64
Victor
Ysuchenk, 70
Ed
"Too Tall"
Jones, 73
Fred
Biletnikoff,
81
George
Frideric
Handel
(1685-1759)
February 24:
Eddie
Murray, 69
President
Lieberman, 82
David
"Fathead"
Newman
(1933-2009)
Honus
Wagner
(1874-1955)
Abe Vigoda
(1921-2016)
Tabloid deadlines:
Don Gullett, 73
Crossword
puzzle clue of the week:
"13A Intersection of
'dogshit' and 'bullshit' in a punk's grid?"
Answer: CROSSINGSWORDS
[l.A. Times 1/19/24]
Quotation of the week:
"In
the future the State of Israel has to control the entire area
from
the river to the sea."
– Benjamin Netanyahu
bradbyrd.jpg Wanted in Wiohita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Bradley Byrd, WM, 23, 6', 275 lbs,
assault of pregnant person; Vanessa Denise Williams, BF(!), 59, 5'6", 194 lbs (Yorkshire hog); Samantha Grace Fowler, 19, 5'4",
120
lbs, false ID; Dawnise [sic] Antionette [sic] Carey, BF, 29, 5'5", 210
lbs (Y. hog), probation viol. (forg.); Jarvis Mitchell, BM,
31, 5'9", 130 lbs, ctrld. substs.; Kevin Dennis Donnelly Jr., WM, 23, 5'9", 150 lbs, pro. viol. (criminal mischief)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
In
Pennsylvania, a 32-year-old self-published
author of dystopian science fic-
tion who recently sued the United States over his
student-loan debt used a ma-
chete to behead his father, who had been a federal employe
for 20 years, and
then posted a video of himself holding the head in a clear
plastic grocery bag
as he called for the execution of all government workers. .
. . A
Missouri
state
senator proposed a resolution allowing legislators to
challenge one another to
duels to “gain satisfaction” if one’s "honor
is impugned." . . . A
38-year-old
Melaka mother was sentenced to 3 years in prison for dumping
boiling
water
on her son as punishment for using her phone data to watch
porn. . . . India
released a pigeon
it had held for 8 months on suspicion of spying for China .
. .
An
ocean exploration company claimed to have discovered Amelia
Earhart’s
1937 Lockheed Electra at the bottom of the Pacific. . . . "Taylor
Drift" won a
snow plow contest in Minnesota. . . . The Alabama Supreme
Court ruled that
fertilized
embryos are children.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
martinzi.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wich. Falls, Tex. (Sedgwick County Sheriff): (Escaped
before we could identify him); Jennifer Marie Taylor, American Indian, 47, 5', 150 lbs, blackmail; Steven
Keith Martinez, WM, 35, tattoos: "Enzo" above left eye; teardrop below right eye; probation violation (weapons)
Dear
Eleanor:
I am from Europe and have lived in Los Angeles, California,
for more than 55 years. Naturally, I
consider LA. my home.
A woman
recently responded in
a group setting to this by
say-
ing, "You don’t have an LA accent." Just as it
is rude to com-
ment on someone’s weight, I'd think it's
inappropriate to com-
ment on
someone's accent. Wha'?
Dan
Dear Dan:
Depends on how you talk. What's your
weight?
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at
the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville,
Kentucky, just after services at the
Boiling
Springs General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Vladimir
Putin.
|
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HOW
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"Your worst
humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett
February 14 2024:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermar-
ket – this week's headlines:
hed24013.jpg
Trumps living a lie at Mar-a-Lago! Melania's sexless marriage, no
intimacy for six years, separate bedrooms, whyshe stays (Globe);
Florida designates penis official state genital (Onion); Taylor, Travis
at was over $1 billion pre-nup (Enquirer)
Patty Clark wrote Sunday 1/14/24 @13.22 CDT:
Here are some headlines you
seem to have missed:
mistab01.jpg,
02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08, 09, 10, 11, 12, 13: Tonight: cloudy . . .,
Tomorrow: partly . . .; The Northwest: Scientists; A Strong Winter
Storm; I like cooking my family; Man arrested for
everything; How would you like to enter Miss Southhampton?; Sun Man
kills himself and runs away; Suspicious cirsumstances; Congratulatiions
to Tammy King; Tonight: Cloudy; Tomorrow: partly; Man's 74-mph sneeze
blows wife's hair off; Road unsafe when under water; Abraham Lincoln
was a woman!
Quotations of the week:
"If God had intended us to
fly, he would not have given us railways."
–
Michael Flanders
"Early spring."
– Punxsutawney Phil
Dumb news from Indiana:
An 18-year-old
Kokomo woman,
Kateylyn Catlett, was arrested
for a triple stabbing of family
members in a trailer, with a box
cutter.
[courtesy Fox59
News]
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|
South Bend's most wanted (Michiiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) Idris Tidwell, BM, 5'9", 180 lbs, domestic
battery; René Vela, HM, 5'9"; 175 lbs, parole violtn. (domestic bat.); Roxxie Williamson, WF, 5', 115
lbs, narcotics; John Murphy, WM, 5'11", 160 lbs, theft; Earl Green, BM, 5'10", 190 lbs, domestic battery
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A state representative
backed down on a bill that would
have removed first
cousins
as victims of incest.
[courtesy
U.S.A. Today]
Lexington's most wanted, Yorbis Noboa-Alcantara, HM, 23, 6'1", 185 lbs, theft of mail [Bluegrass Crime Stoppers]
Birthdays:
January 15 Maria
Baeza ("Charo"), 73? (she says;
actually 83
on March
13)
Margaret
O'Brien, 87
Martin Luther King Jr. (really, not Jan.
17; 1929-1968)
Joan of Arc
(1412-1431)
January
16: Jim
Stafford, 80
A. J. Foyt, 89
Norman
Podhoretz, 94
January
17: Michelle Obama, 60
Steve Earle, 69
Ezekiel Montanez ("Chris Montez"), 81
Betty White
(1922-2021)
January 18: Bobby
Goldsboro, 83
January 19: Pete Butttigieg, 42
Dolly Parton,
78
Janis Joplin
(1943-1970)
January 20: Bill Maher, 68
Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr., 94
January
21: Emma Lee "Baby Spice" Bunton, 48
Placido
Domingo, 83
Jack Nicklaus, 84
January 22: Jim
Jarmusch, 71
Piper Laurie
(1932-2023)
January 23: Hakeem
Olajuwon, 61
Chita
Rivera (1933-2024)
January 24: Neil
Diamond, 83
Ray Stevens, 85
Doug Kershaw, 88
Sharon Tate (1943-1969)
January 25: Alicia Keys, 43
Jamesetta Hawkins ("Etta James," 1938-2002)
January 26: Wayne Gretzky,
63
Ellen DeGeneres, 66
Angela Davis, 80
Bob Uecker, 90
Huey "Piano" Smith (1934-2023)
January 27: Margo Timmins, 63
Bobby "Blue" Bland (1930-2013)
January 28: Sarah
McLachlan, 56
Alan Alda, 88
Mr. Acker Bilk (1929-2014)
January 29: Oprah Winfrey, 70
Tom Selleck, 79
Germaine Greer, 85
January
30: Dick Cheney, 83
Vanessa
Redgrave, 87
Gene Hackman, 94
Mary
Kay Letourneau
(1962-2020)
January
31: Justin Timberlake, 43
Nolan Ryan, 77
Philip Glass, 87
February 1: Ronda
Rousey, 37
Lisa
Marie Presley Keough Jackson Cage Lockwood (1968-2023)
Don Everly (1937-2021)
Boris Yeltsin
(1931-2007)
February 2: Graham Nash, 82
Fran Tarkenton, 84
Tom Smothers (1937-2023)
Farrah Fawcett (1947-2009)
February 3: Retief
Goosen, 55
Morgan
Fairchild, 74
February 4: Lawrence
Taylor, 65
Vincent
Furnier ("Alice Cooper"), 76
Dan Quayle, 77
February 5: Roger
Staubach, 82
Hank Aaron
(1934-2021)
February 6: Axl Rose, 62
Fabian
Forte, 81
Tom Brokaw, 84
Joan Lucille Olander ("Mamie
Van Doren"), 93
Natalie Cole (1950-2015)
Bob
Marley (1945-1981)
Elmore Rual
"Rip" Torn Jr.
(1931-2019)
Zsa
Zsa Gabor (1916-2016)
February 7:
Garth Brooks, 62
Burt Hooton, 74
Sir
Thomas More (1478-1535)
February 8: Flo, 54
Mary
Steenburgen, 71
Nick
Nolte, 83
Ted Koppel, 84
"England
Dan" Seals (1948-2009)
James Dean (1931-1955)
Jack Lemmon (1925-2001)
Lana Turner (1921-1995)
February 9: Joe Ely, 77
Maria "Mia" Farrow, 79
Carole
King, 82
Roger
Mudd (1928-2021)
Ernest Tubb
(1914-1984)
Bill Veeck (1914-1986)
February 10: Roberta Flack,
87
Robert Wagner, 94
Leontyne Price, 97
February 11: Sarah Palin, 60
Sheryl Crow, 62
John Ellis "JEB" Bush, 71
Sergio Mendes, 83
Gene Vincent
(1935-1971)
King Farouk
(1920-1965)
George
Washington (1732-1799)
February 12: Moe Bandy, 80
Ehud Barak, 82
Bill Russell (1934-2022)
Charles
Van Doren (1926-2019)
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Charles Darwin (1809-1882)
February
13: Marilyn
Pauline "Kim"
Novak, 91
Jerry
Springer
(1944-2023)
Carol
Lynley
(1942-2019)
Frederick Douglass
(1818-1895)
February
14: Carl
Bernstein, 80
Michael Bloomberg,
82
Edzard I Cirksena, the Great (1462-1528)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Norman Jewison, 97
Chita Rivera, 91
Peter Schickele ("P. D. Q. Bach"), 88
Norm Snead, 84
Bob Edwards, 76
Melanie, 76
Dexter Scott King, 62
Toby Keith, 62
montanoy.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Justin Eugene Winter, WM, 38, 6'2", 205 lbs, burglary;
Barbara Jean Cole, BF,
36,
5'8", 170 lbs, child abuse; Yila Lee Montano, WF, 31, 5'7", 150 lbs,
child abuse; Patrick Fitagerald Garner, BM, 53, 6', 190 lbs, probation
violation (ag. domestic assauld)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
"13A
Geographic feature that defines the Indiana-Kentucky border"
Answer: OHIORIVER
[New Yorker 12/27/23]
Acronym of the week: APOBA – Associated Pipe Organ Builders of
America
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The
Escambia County, Florida, schools took down 1,600 titles,
inclu-
ding dictionaries
and encyclopedias, to ensure compliance with a law
prohibiting availability of sexual content to students. . . . Lindsey
Lo-
han got half a million dollars for a half-day cameo
appearance in a
new episode of "Mean Girls." . . . Rhesus macaque monkeys at
Silver
Springs State Park in Florida tested positive for herpes.
. . . Arnold
Schwarzenegger was arrested in Munich for tax evasion. . .
. Per cent
of Americans who said after the attack that we cooperate with
Israel:
65. . . . Who said we protect Palestinians: 15. . . . Per cent
of U..S. vo-
ters who think Joe Biden is too old: 68. . . .Who think Donald
Trump
is: 34. . . . Portion of Americans who think they are smarter
than the
average person: 2/3. . . . Per cent of American households
that have
more dogs than children: 12.5.
courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear
Eleanor:
I' m pregnant, and my husband is forcing me
to let his parents into the delivery room; but
I don't want to. What
should I do?
Julie
Dear Coolie:
Demand that he stand naked
and shit in front
of your parents.
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
intellectual
dissection of important current events are invited
to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round Table at
the offices of Borf Books outside Brownsville,
Kentucky, just after services at the
Boiling
Springs General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Kamala
Harris.
melanier.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo, Melanie Rodrigutz, 45, marijuana; Mary Gerdes,
52, marijuana; Cheyenne Ponce, 23, c.s., tresp.;
Alexandria San Augustin, 23, NOL; Yolanda Sanchez, 54, deadly assault; Mary Velez, 54, marijuana; Michael Panguso, 62, c.s.
HOW
TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
stevbern.jpg Life Saver Dude: Looks sorta like Steve Yates & Bernie Sanders tuh me! Why are they tuhgether?
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett