The Army likes to leave nothing to chance. That bit of conventional wisdom inspired one soldier, whose identity is unknown, to pen the following piece of satire. Having circulated throughout Army headquarters by E-mail, it shows how the Army would plan for a pending visit by Santa Claus if he were a three-star general. The holiday spirit is apparently alive and well, somewhere, in the Pentagon.

OPERATION ORDER 12-98 FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LIEUTENANT GENERAL CLAUS

1. An official staff visit by Lt. Gen. Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Administration Officer. Stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office (See Brigade Admin Officer).

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap no later than (NLT) 2200 hours, 24 Dec. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas -- cotton, light-weight, general purpose, olive-green; and cap -- battle-dress, utilities, Woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the headquarters detachment supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T"-ration sugar plums for visions to dance in their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T"-ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. "T"-ration sundry packs can be picked up at the Dining Facility (DFAC) from 0800-1800 24 Dec 98.

d. Stockings -- wool, cushion sole, olive-green -- will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. First sergeants will submit stocking handling plans to the S-3, Operations Officer, Training, prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All Commanders will ensure their subordinate personnel attending mandatory stocking-hanging safety classes are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking-hanging by the Safety Officer (Chief Warrant Officer-5 Dishtowel). Stocking Safety will be taught 15 Dec 98 at 1900 in the Fest Tent. Stocking Licenses will be issued at that time. Stockings will be issued out of the Brown & Root laundry.

e. At first sound of clatter, all personnel will spring from their racks to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, Operations Plan (OPLAN)7-97 (North Pole Contingency), para 6-8-A9(3), dated 4 MAR, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter-tearing and sash-throwing. Brigade Battle Captain, BDOC Commander (NOT to be from Judge Advocate General per Army Regulation 27-1) and all Guards will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in the Field Officer's Quarters (Bldg 9828) prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wondering eyeball" stations. The Sergeant of the Guard will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. The Brigade Logistics Officer, in coordination with the U.S. Transportation Command (Cin-CTrans) and the Motor Pool, will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24A3 and eight (8) reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with rooftop permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his Department of Army Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On, Dancer! On, Prancer!" etc.

2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the day room. All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A2, for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Army Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Logistics Officers prior to 23 DEC. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!" This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of the Brigade Sergeant Major.

FOR THE COMMANDER:

(Signed)