Over the River and Through the Woods to the FBI Teamwork Conference We Go

I felt a pain in my rear the other day when I sat down to type this up. At first I thought it was Mags' prodding but it turned out to be our <alleged> President elect. (A title by which I will NEVER refer to the cretin again. From now own he's Shrub. It's going to be a LONG four years. I can't tell you how disgusted I am by all this. We should think twice before referring to some government in a tropical location a banana republic) I'm working on a pithy cartoon to mark the occasion. But enough about my politics on to the "show"

Detour (3): Over the River and Through the Woods to the FBI Teamwork Conference We Go.

Abbreviations to date:
Sloan (the real moron): RM
Marty (the tree-hugger): TH
Papa Asekoff: PA
Louis Asekoff (PA's annoying git of a son): AG

Number of incredulous references to location: 4

Route 43
(Supposedly) Leon County
Ubiquitous Ford Taurus

A male FBI agent is driving a car which is occupied by at least one other person <either that or he's talking to himself which is not, I am told, a sign of a healthy psyche.> Surprisingly enough the agent in question is not Mulder (M).

Male FBI Agent <his name is listed in the transcript as Mike Kinsley. I'll be calling him Agent Brown-noser (AgtBN)>: Last year was something of a personal revelation. We were doing an exercise called team builders? Where we were given two minutes to build a tower out of ordinary office furniture. <I hate stupid games like these at seminars and what not. Seriously what is the point of such exercises? To see how big a jackass your staff is?>

In the passenger seat is another agent. This one female. She is not Scully (S). She's grating on the nerves the way most goody-two shoes are.

Female Agent <Her name shows up in the transcript as Agent Stonecypher. But since she reminds me of one of those goody-two shoes wenches who always make the rest of the class look bad. You know the one who reminds the teacher to give homework. On a Friday. I'll be referring to her as Agent Suck-Up (AgtSU)>: When I stood on Mike's shoulders and I put that electric pencil sharpener on top of the pile, we both knew, we could never have done it alone. <Why would you want to? Is there a shortage of office furniture towers or something? Are you planning on calling said item a sculpture and selling it to some sucker from L.A.?>

Our favorite FBI partners are stuck in the back seat of the car. <No doubt Skinner made sure that M was not driving to guarantee that M and S actually ARRIVED at the conference.>

M: [to S] Kill me now. <I know how he feels. AgtBN and AgtSU are driving me to homicidal rage.>

S tries not to smile.

AgtBN: You ever been to one of these team seminars, Agent Scully?

S: Ummm… I think I went to a constructive problem-solving course when I first joined the Bureau. <Gee who did you piss off to get stuck with that assignment Scully? Oh wait that's not my line is it? And I'm in the wrong episode. Oh well…>

AgtSU: Oh, did you play that game where, um, you can't use any negative words?

AgtBN: I couldn't believe how hard it was not to use the word "but." <I can't believe how hard it is not to reach out and kill someone.>

M: I'm having that same problem right now. <M is also having a hard time behaving like a grown up. Surprise! Surprise!>

S again tries not to smile. <SOMEONE has to be the adult here.>

AgtSU: Have you ever been to a team seminar, Agent Mulder?

M: No, you know unfortunately around this time of year I always develop a severe hemorrhoidal condition. <Yet another Mulderfact which can be filed under "more information than I needed to know" Ewww!>

S tries not to laugh yet again.

AgtBN: [Oblivious] Well, it builds muscles you didn't even know you had. <For an FBI agent he's a bit dense. I've never seen anyone so blind to sarcasm.>

AgtSU: Communication. That's the key. <No. Apparently the key is a high tolerance for bullshit>

M and S look at each other. S looks like she REALLY wants to laugh. I admire her restraint. I'd probably be rolling on the floor at this point because I'd have to laugh in AgtBN and AgtSU's faces. It builds muscles you didn't know you had? Come on now give me a break! Fortunately for M and S their luck's about to change. The car is stopped at a road block.

Nameless Officer (NO): Sorry, folks, it'll be a few minutes.

AgtBN: What's going on, officer?

NO: ;Got a little situation is all. <A little situation? Someone possibly injured in the middle of the (Supposedly) Floridian woods is a little situation? Is there anything else going on out there in East Bumblebleep which would shadow the current situation with its enormity?>

M opens car door and gets out quickly without bothering with a little nicety like telling his travelmates of his plans.

M: [muttering under his breath] Thank you, Jesus.

AgtBN: Where's he going?

S watches M as he walks away. She looks as though she can't believe he just up and walked away. <Who has she been partnered with all these years? Is she still surprised by a ditch?> She doesn't answer AgtBN.

M does some stretches. A woman approaches him. She is oddly overdressed for what is supposed to be Florida.

Mama Asekoff (MA): Oh, excuse me. Are you from search and rescue?

M: No, I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm just stretching my legs.

MA: They said they'd have word for us about what happened to my husband. I need somebody to tell me what's going on. <The man just said that he is NOT with Search and Rescue. Why is she unloading all this information on someone who for all she knows can't help her.>

M: Just slow down. I - I don't know what you're talking about. <That's because it's none of your business M. But M is not one to let little details like that stop him.>

MA: My husband, Michael, he was teaching our son to shoot, and instead this deaf mute comes to the house with a note pinned to his shirt claiming to be our new son. Everyone acts as though this kid is our son even though he just showed up on the doorstep today.

Okay, so I'm playing games again. What MA really said was:

MA: My husband, Michael, he was teaching our <dumb ass> son to shoot, and he said the dog got spooked and then he heard gunshots and now he's said they've found a jacket with blood on it, but they won't tell me anything about my husband…

M: I'll try to find out who's in charge, all right? <Because that's so much more effective than sending the woman to NO who just stopped the car you were in. God forbid you should mind your own beeswax huh M?>

MA: Oh, thank you.

M heads off into woods. Once again he doesn't bother with that communication thing.

AgtSU: Now where's he going?

S: How the hell should I know?

Okay so she doesn't say that. She should though. Actually S doesn't answer, she just goes after her partner. Typical M and S pattern behavior.

AgtBN goes to pick up the shiny coin when somehow the tree section rolls on him crushing him and his new shiny.

No that doesn't happen either. But I'm seriously wishing it would. The actual dialogue:

AgtBN: [looking at a cross section of a felled tree with dates on the rings] Hey, Stonecypher! Take a look at this. [AgtSU arrives] This tree was here twenty years before Ponce De Leon landed. <Isn't that special? Is this large hunk of timber supposed to convince us that this is all taking place in Florida? Because I'm not buying it.>

AgtSU: We're going to be late for the wine and cheese reception. <Big deal! What you're too cheap to spring for Riunite and crackerbarrel cheese on your own? It's a government paid function. They're not going to be serving Brie. Sheesh!>

And when exactly is he going to let his partner in on the fact that he's going to insert himself into local affairs? So much for that communication thing.

I really hate AgtBN and AgtSU. They are two of the most annoying characters ever to flit across the screen. Not to mention that they remind me of every goody-two shoes git I've ever run across in school. They always make you look even worse in comparison. It's obnoxious.

M is such a child. Actually, I take that back M is worse than a child because children know that smart ass remarks like the ones M was making are best made under one's breath so not everyone hears them.

M has nerve just inserting himself into this case. I don't think that the local folks are going to much appreciate it.