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I have been the worst procrastinator of late. I can't believe that it's been six months since the last installment. This is really bad. It's also been quite some time since I've updated the website. This has been a week for playing catch up. I've done some updating on the site AND I've taken care of this segment of "Detour." Well enough yakking, it's been six months. On to the "show"
Detour (12): No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Abbreviations to date:
Sloan (the real moron): RM
Marty (the tree-hugger): TH
Papa Asekoff: PA
Louis Asekoff (PA's annoying
git of a son): AG
Agent Kinsey (aka Agent Brown-Noser): AgtBN
Agent Stonecypher (aka Agent Suck-Up): AgtSU
Agent Mulder: M
Agent Scully: S
Nameless Officer: NO
Mama Asekoff: MA
Officer Fazekas (aka Nature Chick): NC
Jeff Glaser the techhead: TG
Number of Incredulous references to location: 18
Number of times Mulder calls Scully by her last name:
14
Number of times Scully calls Mulder by his last name:
22
Number of (gratuitous?) Krycek mentions: 3
Road next to forest. Ambulances. NC has been loaded onto a gurney is being put into an ambulance. PA, who is also on a gurney is loaded into another ambulance. MA kisses his hand.
MA: [to AG] <Oh is he still here?> He's going to be okay. He's going to be fine. <That depends on what your definition of "fine" means. Offhand, PA may have been better off down the hole. At least he wouldn't be subjected to AG's increasingly annoying (not to mention stupid) quesitons.> [Sees AgtBN] Just a minute.
M stands by himself, shoulder bandaged. AgtBN is surrounded by people. <Oddly, none of them are pointing weapons or brandishing pointy sticks.> MA shakes AgtBN's hand, then leaves. <Talk about your short shrift! If S hadn't fallen down the well AgtBN wouldn't have been around to take the credit. If left to AgtBN her husband would have been mothman food because AgtBN and AgtSU were too busy trying to get to their whine and cheese party and it's AgtBN who gets the credit? I guess it's a good thing that M isn't in it for the glory. On the other hand, getting some credit may hold the X-Files in better stead the next time some officious assistant director tries to shut the division down. Some people just have no luck.> AgtBN goes to M next to a crosscut of a tree.
AgtBN: Well, we just got all the thanks when you did all the work. <Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that this is the usual state of affairs for agent pairs who get stuck in the vicinity of these glory-sucking suck-ups?>
M: No, on the contrary, Agent Kinsley, we would never have gotten involved in this if not for you. <In other words: Thank you for the mindless prattle which caused me to leap out of the car and try to get involved in any case just to get away from you. Admittedly, I didn't really want to get hurt but hey it beats a conference with it's cheap wine and stinky cheese.>
AgtBN: Really? <Sarcasm would be completely wasted on this git anyway.>
M: [looking at a tab on the crosscut - 1521 Ponce De Leon Lands Looking for Fountain Of Youth] Yeah, you see this?
AgtBN: Oh, yeah. I pointed that out to Agent Stonecypher on the drive down. <Always looking for some way to show off your knowledge of otherwise useless trivia huh AgtBN?>
M: There was something in the cave that Scully fell into, an inscription - Ad Noctum. <Time to brush out that high school Latin folks!>
AgtBN: hat's, uh - <Look who didn't take Latin in High School. Don't worry AgtBN, the folks you usually suck up to aren't terribly interested in dusting off a dead language just to look as though a couple of synapses are firing. Your secret's safe.>
M: It means "into darkness". The Spanish Conquistadors used to carve it on the posts that they would lash the natives to as a warning. <Once again M doesn't let someone finish a sentence. You could have allowed AgtBN to flounder while trying to think of the meaning before barking out the translation. You take all the fun out of being a wise ass.>
AgtBN: So who're you saying wrote this? <Your mama!>
M: Ponce De Leon came here 450 years ago looking for the Fountain Of Youth. <If there's a point M, please feel free to come to it. Yeah, yeah, I know. Wrong episode.>
AgtBN: You mean you think that these… that - that - that- that body the one that Agent Scully shot? No - <You got the "no" part right. I'm starting to think that maybe I overstated the number of working synapses when I implied that two were working.>
M: After 400 years in the woods don't you think they might have adapted perfectly to their environment? <Only if they're as daft about interpersonal relations as you are M. Oh, you were talking about their physical environment. Never mind.>
AgtBN: You're just making this up. <AgtBN thought (albeit fleetingly) that the bodies in the cave were 450 years old but the idea of people evolving to the point where they could camouflage themselves without military uniforms is too fantastic?>
M: Why do you say that?
AgtBN: [Laughs uncomfortably] 'Cause, you work on the X-Files, and you just want to write off your motel. <Well it's not entirely impossible. We are talking about Agent Fox "Here's A Two Cent Tip Don't Spend It In One Place" Mulder.>
AgtSU: [approaching] Search and Rescue are still unable to find Jeff Glaser or the second predator that you reported. <Sniff! Even in fiction the geek gets picked on.>
M: I wouldn't be surprised if they couldn't find either one of them. <Why couldn't AgtBN and AgtSU get lost in the forest? No one would have missed them if they had disappeared.>
AgtSU: Agent Mulder, I'm confused. <She says this as though it were a revelation instead a statement of the obvious.> Why would they come after the boy in the house that night?
M: These predators have been in these woods for a long, long time. They would have perceived any encroachment on their territory as an enemy, even a little kid like that. <Maybe they were so annoyed by his myriad of idiotic questions that they thought they'd do the world a favor by disposing of him. I know I would have appreciated seeing him go.>
AgtSU: But that would mean that they'd come after any one of us that had gone into the woods, wouldn't it? <We can only hope. Note to Mothmen: Please feel free to attack this woman and her partner. Savagely.>
M: [nods, then looks around] Where's Agent Scully? <You're just now missing her? What kind of concerned partner are you?>
AgtSU: Oh, she got a lift back to the motel to pack up both your things. <M should really be ashamed of himself. It's not enough that S often covers up for his disappearances, his erratic behavior, puts up with his ramblings, and his orders to do autopsies, and his insanely late night phone calls but she's stuck playing valet too? The woman has the patience of a saint and is in need of a raise. M, on the other hand is in need of a bitch slap.>
M: She did? Excuse me.
M runs to AgtBN's car and drives off. <This counts as a ditch. At least it wasn't S he ditched this time around. I shan't miss AgtBN and AgtSU.>
AgtBN: My jacket's in that car. [AgtSU looks at him.] <This also counts as theft. This is me not feeling sorry for AgtBN.>
I'm still not feeling sympathy for AgtBN and AgtSU.
Poor M, he can't seem to win for losing. Even when there's a reasonably satisfactory conclusion to the case he STILL doesn't get the credit. I wouldn't be surprised if AgtBN and AgtSU get a raise or something out of this. Meanwhile, M and S will get yelled at for missing the conference AND be forced to pay for their motel rooms.
I'm finding it hard to decide who I find more annoying, AgtBN or AG. I wouldn't shed any tears if either one of them were to be pushed down the mothman hole.
Human revolution couldn't possibly work fast enough to allow people to blend into the foliage like moths in a mere 400 years but then who needs to bring up little things like evolutionary science to ruin an otherwise good episode.
Until next time…
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