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I originally started with a blurb about the Golden Globes. It wasn't rant worthy.
On to the "show"
The X-Files: Fight The Future: Chasing Windmills -er Tankers
Abbreviations to date:
Caveman 1: CM1
Caveman 2: CM2
Boy 1: B1
Stevie (a.k.a. Boy 2): ST
Boy 3: B3
Boy 4: B4
Captain Miles Cooles: CMC
Men in Biohazard suits: MIB
Dude with Tie (Bronschweig): DWT
Deputy Type Guy: DTG
Skinner: Sk
Generic Agent Type 1: GAT1
The Big Cheese (AKA S.A.C. Michaud): TBC
Scully: S
Mulder: M
Rent-a-cop 1: RAC1
Generic Agent Type 2: GAT2
Nameless Agent: NA
Nameless Agent 2: NA2
Irritating, annoying, wench: IAW
Bartender: Bar
Mystery Woman: MW
Kurtzweil the old man: OM
Cigarette Smoking Man: CSM
Private Flunky: PvtF
Plain Clothes Cop: PCC
Agent Hayseed: Hay
Nameless Scientist: NS
Well-Manicured Man: WMM
Strughold: LotP
First Elder: 1stE
Number of times Scully has called Mulder by his last name:
29
Number of times Mulder has called Scully by her last name:
10
Number of cigarettes lit by CSM: 2
When we last left off the all male incompetents club was having a meeting of the mind. Unfortunately, WMM was the only one using it and the others decided they didn't need it and thus decided that finally after all this time OM should be gotten rid of. M was also a target but instead they decided to get at him another way. The last thing said was:
LotP: Then you must take away what he holds most valuable. That with which he can't live without.
Scene changes to S who looks as though she's looking at a vast desert wasteland. She turns to face M. We can see that the wasteland is inhabited.
S: I don't know, Mulder. I don't see any evidence of an archeological or any other kind of a dig site.
M: This is where he marked on the map. Where he said those fossils were unearthed. [he points insistently at the ground while he says this] the camera pulls back, showing a worms eye view (or DWT's view) of M and S. You're sure those fossils were infected with the same virus you saw at the morgue?
S: Both sets of bones were porous, as if the virus or the causative microbe were decomposing it.
M: And you've never seen that virus before. <Don't you ever listen M? She already told you that she hadn't seen anything like it before. Clean your ears will ya?>
S: No.
He looks down, you can see the gears turning in that messed up little head of his. His gaze eventually wanders to the side.
M: Look at that.
They walk over to a brand new playground. lt;Ooh! Shiny!>
M: That look like new grass to you?
S: Looks pretty green for this climate.
M: Uh huh.
They reach the playground M bends down and picks up a corner of the grassy area. It's one of those grass carpets that people lay down in the hopes that it'll take root and continue to grow so they don't have to lay seed.
M: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. <Unlike you.>
S: The equipment looks brand new too.
M: No irrigation system. Somebody's covering their tracks. <And not very well I might add. The incompetents strike again.>
They both look around for any kind of clue and see 3 kids riding towards them on bikes.
M: Hey! [After waiting for all of two seconds] Hey! <Hay is for horses. Sorry I couldn't help it.>
M and S walk towards the boys. The boys stop their bikes. The bikes, like the playground equipment look new.
S: Do you boys live around here?
B1: Yeah.
M: You see anybody diggin' over there?
B1: We're not supposed to talk about it. <Yeah well you're not supposed to talk to strangers either but here you are.>
S: You're not supposed to talk about it? Who told you that?
B3: Nobody.
M: Nobody? The same nobody that built that playground? Nobody buy you those new bikes, too?
S: I think you better tell us. <Now there's a convincing argument.>
B1: We don't even know you. <Yet you're still talking to them. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to talk to strangers?>
S: Well, we're FBI Agents.
B1: You're not FBI Agents.
M: How do you know?
B1: Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. <I don't know what door to door salesmen he's seen. I've never seen any dressed as nicely as M and S are.>
S smirks briefly
M: [flashing the badge] Hey, you wanna buy a badge?
Apparently the kids were impressed by the laminated plastic as they decided to become cooperative little buggers.
B3: They left about an hour ago.
B4: Going that way. <He speaks!>
He points to his right. The other two kids point the same way. <Very specific directions.>
Commercial alert.
Scene changes to a lone car driving on a highway. Another basically useless vehicle scene. <It does have exciting music though.> Do I even need to bother to ask why it's here? Oldsmobile must have paid a fortune to let CC use their car in this movie.
The camera pans over so it gets closer to the car. As the camera gets close enough to show that there is someone in the car (although not close enough to see who's driving. Like there's any doubt. M is a car hog.) M's voice can be heard.
M: Unmarked tanker trucks. What are archeologists hauling out in tanker trucks?
S: I don't know, Mulder.
M: And where are they going with it?
S consults her map.
S: That's the first question to answer if we're going to find them.
The car screeches to a halt at a stop sign. Apparently M decided to wait until the last minute to hit the brakes.
M: What are my choices?
S: If you want to be on top I would suggest the backseat. But there are advantages to you staying right where you are.
S leans over to M and starts nibbling on his ear.
M: Mmmm, either way I can't go wrong.
Oops! Sorry. Been reading the smut again. The scene actually goes like this:
M: What are my choices?
S: About a hundred miles of nothing in both directions.
M: Well, which way do you think they went? [He peeps over at the map]
S puts down the map as it is apparently as useless as a "no smoking" sign is to CSM.
S: We've got two choices. One of them's wrong.
M looks left down the highway. There's nothing for as far as the eye can see.
M: I think they went left.
S looks to her right.
S: I don't know why, I think they went right. <Could it be because you get off on being contrary with M?>
An equal amount of nothing can be seen.
They look at each other, M looks to the right then starts drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he stares straight ahead. The car takes off with a squeal. Instead of taking either option, M decides to go straight ahead. <Must be that Muldersense kicking in again.> What's straight ahead is more a dirt path than a road. And here are Moose and Squirrel without an off road vehicle. They leave a cloud of dust as they go on their way down the bumpy trail.
M: Five years together, Scully. How many times I been wrong? <Well let's see. There was the time when S had the theory about the angel and the four girls. Then there's that time in Jerusalem Ohio. Let's not go into the Rouche incident.> [S rolls her eyes.] Never. <Never? ROTFLMBAO!!!> [S folds up her map while rolling her eyes again. She looks as though she could barely keep from laughing in M's face.] Not driving anyway. <Shall I mention Steveston Mass M?>
The car races bumps along, going God knows where. There is miles and miles of more nothing. Eventually it turns dark. <Far be it for me to drop in with a little reality but shouldn't M have had to stop for gas sometime during this trek?> Eventually the car stops in front of what appears to be a barbed wire fence. S looks pissed. She undoes her seat belt, shoots M a dirty look, leaves the car and slams the door shut. <What she should be doing is slamming her foot against M's shin. At the very least.> M closes his door as he leaves giving S a somewhat quizzical look. <Damn punk seems to be a bit confused as to why S would be pissed at him. Typical!> S stands in the beams of the car's headlights and turns around to properly berate him. M who apparently hasn't realized just how pissed his partner is rambles on.
M: I was right about the bomb, wasn't I? <What do you want a cookie? You sound like OM!>
S: This is great, this is fitting. <This is your own fault for believing M when he said he would have you back in time for the meeting.>
M: What? [He pulls out the map] <He really doesn't have a clue does he? And why is he messing with that map?>
S: I have to be in Washington, D.C. in eleven hours for a hearing, the outcome of which might possibly effect one of the biggest decisions of my life, and here I am in the middle of Nowhere, Texas chasing phantom tanker trucks!
M: We're not chasing tanker trucks, Scully, we're chasing evidence. [M is still playing with the stupid map.]
S: Evidence of what exactly?
M: That bomb in Dallas was allowed to go off, to hide something. Bodies infected with a virus you yourself detected!
S: Mulder, they haul oil in tanker trucks, they haul gas in tanker trucks, they do not haul viruses in tanker trucks!
M: Well, they may be hauling a virus in these tanker trucks.
S looks at M quizzically.
S: What do you mean? … Mulder? … What are you not telling me? <Yet again.> [M makes a big deal of carefully folding up the map while avoiding her glare and her question.] Mulder? <The last "Mulder" sounds like she's scolding him. >
M: [mumbling hesitantly] The virus may be extraterrestrial.
S stares at him with her mouth open. M gives a small sheepish grin, looking like someone who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
S: [rolls her eyes and turns away from M] I don't b… Mulder, I don't …
Her words are cut off by the sound of a train crossing's warning bell. As the train approaches, they both turn to look and then M walks towards the tracks. They watch the train go by. Its cargo includes white unmarked tanker trucks. He turns to face her, their eyes meet and together they race back to the car and hop in, and are off in hot pursuit of The Truth again. <On the conveniently located dirt road.> The car follows next to the train as it races towards its destination. Soon, the car stops and M and S get out, looking at something we can't see yet.
S: What do you think they are?
M: I have no idea. <It's nice to hear him admit it on occasion isn't it?>
They continue to stare at the mystery object, then begin to walk towards it. The camera now pans over the crest of the hill M and S have begun to walk down and we see what appear to be a pair of glowing breasts. <Okay maybe that's just me.> They are in fact white domes glowing in the middle of a desert, surrounded by a cornfield. They climb down a considerable sized hill and walk through the cornfield. <Yet another instance of trespassing to add to M's rap sheet.>
S: This is weird, Mulder.
M: Very weird.
S: Any thoughts as to why anybody would be growing corn in the middle of the desert?
M: Well, those could be giant Jiffy-Pop Poppers.
They arrive at the huge domes, look at one another then proceed. M opens one of the dome's doors and a blast of air from inside shoots out. <Now add breaking and entering to that rap sheet> When they close the door behind them, fans on the ceiling come on rather suddenly. Our nosy twosome walk further in. Inside the dome it's all metal. You can hear their steps echo throughout the dome as they walk along a slightly raised walkway. The floor appears to be gridded.
S: It's cool in here. The temperature's being regulated.
M: For the purpose of what?
S: Mulder, I think we're on top of a larger structure here. This is some kind of a venting system.
M stops and turns to S.
M: You hear something? You hear that?
He steps down off the walkway, towards one of the boxes and she follows behind him.
S: I hear a humming…
M: Umm-hmm.
S: Like electricity, high voltage maybe…
M puts his fingertips on one of the boxes, which upon closer inspection looks like a shutter, then bends down and places his ear on it, listening.
M: Maybe…
S looks up at the roof. From where she's standing she is ruining a perfectly good shot where we could have admired M's bum.
M: Maybe not.
He lifts his head and follows her gaze to the roof. Suddenly, slats in the roof open up.
M: Scully?
S: Yeah?
M: Run!!
The slats in the floor grids begin to open one by one, releasing hundreds of thousands of bees into the air. They don't appear to be attacking M and S but their numbers make them appear to be a cloud which anyone could get lost in. M and S grab their jackets and pull them over their heads as they run towards the door that they came in through. M who is ahead turns to check on his partner in an unusual show of concern.
M: Scully!
S: I can't see!
M turns back and runs towards S.
M: Gimme your hand! <Awww!>
He grabs her arm and they run toward the door, stopping before they exit to stamp their feet under the doorway's fans to remove the bees from their clothing. S isn't nearly as neatly put together as she once was. The belt of her outfit is hanging loosely and her hair is a mess. It's kinda fun to see.
M: Did you get stung?
S: I don't think so. <You'd know it if you were.>
Their attention is drawn to a strange sound. They both walk away from the dome and stare into the corn. A light appears. Moments later a pair of helicopters follow it. M and S begin to run through the crops to escape the helicopters. The helicopters track back and forth over the crop to find M and S. They aren't doing a very good job of it. M and S get separated in the tall crops.
M: Talk to me, Scully! Scully! Dammit! Scully! Scully! Scully! Talk to me Scully! [He runs from spot to spot, crouching in the corn to avoid being seen.]
S: Mulder! [She tries to follow his voice.] <which would be easier if he would stay still.>
M: Scully!
S: Mulder!
M: Can you hear me?!!!!
S: Mulder!
He continues to run, calling her name again and again. <And potentially evening up the count.>
M: Scully! Scully! Scully!
S: Mulder!
M: Scully! Scully, talk to me!!!
S: Mulder!
S pops out of the corn, not far from him, they run towards each other, they begin racing towards their car. Suddenly, S turns around, noticing the silence.
S: Where'd they go?
The helicopters have disappeared. M grabs her shoulder, pushing her onwards.
M: Come on.
They climb back up the hill. The cornfield is as silent as it was when they arrived. The helicopters nowhere to be seen.
First of all, where are these kid's parents. Obviously they are not doing a very good job of teaching them anything. Didn't it occur to anyone to teach these kids not to talk to strangers?
The consortium's incompetence strikes again. I suppose that one could forgive them the obvious screw up of placing new grass in a neighborhood where there isn't much of the stuff and not having an irrigation system in place to give a plausible explanation as to its existence since they obviously ran in a hurry. But really why didn't they just put a sign at the town's limits saying suspicious activity taking place here?
M has to be one of the luckiest people on the planet. He just HAPPENS to drive in the direction that will get him to train tracks where a train just HAPPENS to go by. It's also a good thing he didn't bother to turn off his lights. Otherwise M and S would have missed the unmarked tanker on the train as well. And wasn't that road by the tracks just so conveniently placed? M is too lucky for words. I could use some of that luck.
The guys in the helicopters didn't do a very thorough job of searching for M and S in the cornfield. Why exactly did they chase them since they obviously didn't want to actually catch M and S.
S should slap M. He dragged her out to Dallas and to some town in east bumblebleep and he doesn't tell her about the alien virus until AFTER she's waist deep in it. You'd think he'd stop doing that by now. M may be cute with his "oops" look but still he deserves a slap.
Never wrong? I swear I'm surprised anyone could fit into the car with that ego of M's there.
Don't get me started on the bees thing. I'm SO going to end up going off on about that. Just not right now.
Until next time…
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