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Okay, update, I ended up not watching the Golden Globes. It's just as well. If I had seen the absolutely FOUL goings on occurring at the show I'd probably do something stupid. Like kick in the TV or something. My sister was too pleased to tell me that the Felicity wench beat out GA. My sister loves Felicity but doesn't like The X-Files. As you can see my sister is not a woman of good taste. Welcome to my hell.
Tonight there will no X-Files because of a foul, disgusting ritual that apparently goes on on an annual basis and has done so for the past 33 years. For some reason everyone in the country seems to forget that there are other things in the world going on (The X-Files for example) and insist on throwing a party to watch this thing called a super bowl. The only bowls I've ever seen are the ones that are usually overflowing with fatty foods and dips of dubious quality and frankly they aren't so super to me. Yet I find my self in the unenviable position of trying to come up with something to amuse myself with tomorrow because Fox is having delusions of grandeur and is airing the blasted even. Thank God for video tapes. Looks like marathon time.
But first on to the "show."
The X-Files: Fight the Future: Out Of The Frying Pan , Into The Fire or Where's The Raid When You Need It?
Abbreviations to date:
Caveman 1: CM1
Caveman 2: CM2
Boy 1: B1
Stevie (a.k.a. Boy 2): ST
Boy 3: B3
Boy 4: B4
Captain Miles Cooles: CMC
Men in Biohazard suits: MIB
Dude with Tie (Bronschweig): DWT
Deputy Type Guy: DTG
Skinner: Sk
Generic Agent Type 1: GAT1
The Big Cheese (AKA S.A.C. Michaud): TBC
Scully: S
Mulder: M
Rent-a-cop 1: RAC1
Generic Agent Type 2: GAT2
Nameless Agent: NA
Nameless Agent 2: NA2
Irritating, annoying, wench: IAW
Bartender: Bar
Mystery Woman: MW
Kurtzweil the old man: OM
Cigarette Smoking Man: CSM
Private Flunky: PvtF
Plain Clothes Cop: PCC
Agent Hayseed: Hay
Nameless Scientist: NS
Well-Manicured Man: WMM
Strughold: LotP
First Elder: 1stE
Number of times Scully has called Mulder by his last name:
42
Number of times Mulder has called Scully by her last name:
26
M was quite busy in that last scene.
Number of cigarettes lit by CSM: 2
Office of Professional Review
Washington D.C.
There a woman impatiently looking at her papers then checking her watch. It's IAW again. Unfortunately no one has done me the favor of killing this irritant. Where's Krycek when you need him? Anyway, IAW is pissed. Probably because the subject of the hearing is not there. Thanks to M, S is late for her hearing. <So much for M's promise.> In the hallway, Sk stands watch with his hands on his hips. S arrives, brushing down her suit. <Which is now rumpled thanks to M.> She sees her reflection in the picture glass and after a glance at Sk she quickly straightens herself up as best she can. Sk enters the hearing room.
Sk: She's coming in.
He holds the door open for S as she enters the room and walks swiftly to her seat, her hair isn't quite in place.
IAW: Special Agent Scully?
S: Yes, I apologize for making you wait. I have new evidence.
IAW: Evidence of what? <Evidence that you've been operating with your head firmly up your ass.>
S doesn't answer the question, instead she pulls an evidence bag out of her briefcase and holds it up.
S: These…are fossilized bone fragments that I've been able to study … that were gathered at the bomb site in Dallas.
IAW: You've been back to Dallas? <No. She magically made the bone fragments appear by wiggling her nose. Arriving late was merely a facade to appear to be a mere mortal. Has S been back to Dallas? What are you a bleepin' moron? I REALLY can't stand this woman.>
S: Yes…
The scene cuts to M's hangout spot. M, who is wearing a leather jacket <Yummy!> arrives and seeks out OM. OM is in a booth and doesn't look surprised to see M. M slides into the booth, all jumpy and hyper as he often is when he thinks he's on a roll. Always weary of eavesdroppers they speak softly. <If they were REALLY concerned about being followed they wouldn't keep going to the same place time after time. Hello!>
OM: [whispering] You found something?
M: Yeah. On the Texas border, some kind of experiment, something they excavated and was brought there in tanker trucks.
OM: What?
M: I'm not sure. A virus, I think.
OM looks somewhat surprised. I'm not sure if it's at the news or because M actually found something. The scene cuts back to the hearing.
S: ….and I also have reason to believe that…there may have been some involvement by Special Agent In Charge Michaud.
IAW: Those are very serious allegations, Agent Scully. <Well duh! S is not stupid. Which is not something I can say about you.>
S: Yes, I know.
Back to the bar.
OM: You saw this experiment?
M: Yeah, but we were chased off.
OM: What did it look like? <A pair of glowingbreasts.>
M: There were bees…corn crops…
OM appears to be mulling over M's words. The scene cuts back to the hearing.
IAW: …and you have conclusive evidence of this? Something to tie this claim of yours to the crime?
S: N-n-n-not completely conclusive <yet> …I hope to but we are … in the process of … we're working towards gathering that evidence.
During this less than eloquent speech, <sorry> the camera shows us something poor S can't see. Somehow, through the fans and shaking off at the domes, the corn field chase, the run for their car, the drive to the airport, the airplane ride, the drive to the hearing and even S's final brushing off mere moments earlier, a single bee <who apparently has wings of steel> has managed to hide under the collar of S's jacket and it now begins to climb over her shoulder towards the back of her neck.
IAW: Working with …? <Who do you think with? Surely not Agt. Spender! Ugh!>
S: [hesitantly] With Agent Mulder.
Back to the bar. Again.
M: What are they?
OM pauses before answering.
OM: What do you think? <I think you don't have a clue.>
M: A transportation system. Transgenetic crops, the pollen genetically altered to carry a virus.
OM: That would be my guess. <Oh yeah. Sure. AFTER M spills his guts. How convenient.>
OM dabs his mouth with a napkin, <Wouldn't do to look like a slob. Women might take you for some kind of creep and avoid your practice. Oh wait! We already do.> looks around, gets up and starts to walk away. <What no goodbye? How rude!> M, clearly flabbergasted and at a loss of words gets up to follow him.
M: Guess? What do you mean "your guess?" Hey! [He grabs OM by the shoulder and turns him around to face him.] <Face me you punk! Oh wait that's S's line. My bad!>
M: You told me you had answers! <And you believed him? Sucker!>
OM: Yeah, well… I don't have 'em all. <Looks to me like you don't have any.>
M: [clearly disgusted] You didn't know my father. <And that's a bad thing?>
OM: Like I told you, he and I were old friends. <Considering Ol' Bill Mulder's friends I wouldn't consider this a good thing.>
M: [angrily] You've been using me! You've been using me to gather information for your goddamned books! <This possibility is just now occurring to you? Tell me again how you managed to get this far ? I'm having a little difficulty remembering.>
OM looks around to see if anyone is paying attention to them as M, in his anger has started talking too loudly for OM's comfort.
OM: Lower your voice!
OM leaves through the back exit. M follows him into the alley. <Damn it M! How many times must I warn you about following strange men into alleys? I don't care if you shared a wall together. The man could have a gun. Sheesh!>
M: Kurtzweil? Kurtzweil!
OM stops and turns towards M.
OM: Yeah, well, you'd be shit out of luck if it wasn't for me! You saw what you saw 'cause I led you to it! [He stabs Mulder in the chest with his finger for emphasis.] I'm putting my ass on the line for you.
M: Your ass?! I just got chased through Texas by two black helicopters! <As much as I think M could use a kick at times he does have a point here. Just don't forget your partner M.>
OM: And why do you think it is you're standing here talking to me? These people don't make mistakes! <You've got to be shitting me. See below for a partial list of Consortium blunders.>
OM walks off leaving M all alone to think about his sage <snicker> words. M hears footsteps above him on the fire escape. He looks up and we see the 1stE, I'm not sure if M can tell who is there, as the sun is in his eyes. M stalks off, appears to open the doorway to the bar. From there presumably, he goes home for the scene cuts to his apartment.
Mulder's Apartment
M goes right to his desk while taking off the jacket <Ooh! Strip baby!> and tossing it aside in the process. He pulls open a drawer. He searches around for something, then pulls out a family photo album. <Considering the dysfunctional nature of this family I'm surprised that there's even a family album. And why would M want it?> Anyway, M flips through a few pages and find what he's looking for. It's a picture taken at a family picnic or barbecue or something. In the picture is OM as a young man with a stupid grin and a drink in his hand. (He looked like rats have chewed at his face back then too.) <Young CSM is also in the picture as played by Chris Owens. Finally some continuity for a bleepin' change. > So as far as knowing the elder Mulder OM isn't completely full of shit. While M stares at the photo album there is a knock at the door. It's S. She doesn't wait for an answer and just walks in the unlocked door. <What's with these two? M ought to know better than that.!> She stands there looking like she's been put through the wringer. <I'm sure a HUGE part of that has to do with having to wear the same suit for two days. A fact that is CLEARLY M's fault.> Her jacket is unbuttoned and her shirt is untucked.
M: What's wrong?
S: I'm frustrated and I'm not going to take it anymore!
S grabs a surprised M by the shirt and pulls him down to her level. Before M could regain his equilibrium she kisses him full on the mouth hard. It takes mere seconds for M to respond as he pulls S closer to him….
[This piece of smut has been interrupted by the clones. We are tired of everyone writing smut about Mulder and Scully and nothing decent about us. The least you can do is not put us with Mulder. Give us a break. We think that if we were so inclined to sleep with men we could do much better than a self absorbed, obsessive, punk whose dedication to his porn collection is rivaled only by his obsession with finding his sister. End message]
<sigh> The clones have taken the remote control hostage and are threatening to turn on the Super Bowl for the mere pleasure of watching me squirm. They are clearly looking to be disciplined. I'll get them later. <sigh> Once again the scene actually goes like this…
M: What's wrong?
S: Salt Lake City, Utah. Transfer effective immediately. [M turns away from her, throws his head back, he looks like he's rolling his eyes.]
S: I already gave Skinner my letter of resignation.
M: You can't quit now, Scully. <Why not? You gonna give her an incentive to stay punk?>
S: I can, Mulder. I debated whether or not even to tell you in person, but … <I have the guts to tell you things in person.>
M: We are close to something here! [He turns in his chair to look at her] We're on the verge! <Wow! M used the word "we." I would be surprised if I didn't know that M is pretty good at manipulating S.>
S: You're on the verge, Mulder. Please don't do this to me. <Stop making me the keeper of your sanity. It's too big a job for even the Blessed St. S.> [M jumps out of his chair and walks over to S.]
M: After what you saw last night, after all you've seen, you can just walk away? <Because Salt Lake City sucks? What the hell is she going to do for you there M? You're better off with her close by anyway! Where're your brains in this movie M?>
S: I have. I did. It's done. <So there you big baby!>
M: I need you on this, Scully. <Your timing as usual is just impeccable.>
S: You don't need me, Mulder. You never have. I've just held you back.
M puts on the puppy dog face. [S drops her eyes from M's and turns to leave.]
S: I gotta go.
M waits for a moment then follows S out into the hallway.
M: You wanna tell yourself that so you can quit with a clear conscience, you can, but you're wrong! <M is SO good with a guilt trip isn't he?>
S stops and turns to face him.
<Please be advised that the following line of dialogue is extraneous fill for all the heathens who hadn't bothered to watch a single episode before the airing of this movie. All philes please sit on your hands or grab a clone to keep from pulling your hair out. Sk and Captain Picard aside, bald usually isn't sexy.>
S: Why did they assign me to you in the first place, Mulder? To debunk your work, to rein you in, to shut you down…
M: But you saved me! As difficult and as frustrating as it's been sometimes, your goddamned strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over! <You got that right! You might want to try saying that a little more often you ingrate!> You've kept me honest. You've made me a whole person. I owe you everything … Scully, and you owe me nothing.
Throughout M's speech, S looks at him in shock <You can't blame her. How often is M this honest with his feelings? And how often does he NOT treat her as a glorified lap dog?> Her eyes begin to fill with tears.
M: I don't know if I wanna do this alone. I don't even know if I can. <Probably not> And if I quit now, they win.
S's tears begin to silently flow. Her bottom lip quivers and she falls into him, holding him tightly as his arms enfold her. She closes her eyes as her tears fall onto his shoulder. She pulls back and kisses him on his forehead, then gently rests her own forehead on his, still crying. M slowly pulls her face back so he can look at her, his hands resting on the back of her head. She looks into his eyes, her hands resting on the back of his head as well. Her tears flow, her lip quivers they both lean in for The Kiss … lips do touch for a brief, shining second … then she suddenly grabs the back of her own neck and says…
S: Ow!
The tape is stopped here as one extremely pissed off phile (who is both a die hard Ratgirl AND a 'shipper) rants and raves and throws a fit despite the fact that she not only saw this coming in the movie but has seen the movie 5+ times and knows it won't change. The language is so NOT appropriate for a family forum. Please standby while she pulls herself together.
M: I'm sorry.
S: Something stung me. <I'm feeling somewhat stung myself.>
M reaches over and plucks out the bee, holding it in his fingers, its little legs squirming in the air. <Ewww!> M looks at the back of her neck. <Like that'll do any good.>
M: Must've gotten in your shirt. <Oh brother.>
S: Mulder… something's wrong.
M: What?
S: I'm having lacinating pain in…
M: What?
S: …my chest.
M: Scully…
S: My motor functions are being affected.
She falls into M. M catches her.
M: Scully…
M gently but quickly lays her down upon the hallway floor.
S: My pulse is thready … a funny taste in the back of my throat.
M: I think you're going into anaphylactic shock.
S: No… I have no allergy.
M runs into his apartment and grabs the phone. He dials 911 with the emergency button.
M: [into the phone] This is Special Agent Fox Mulder, I have an emergency! I have an agent down!
Scene changes to S being placed on a gurney.
Paramedic 1 (Para1): Can you hear me? Can you say your name?
Paramedic 2 (Para2): She's got constriction in the throat and larynx.
Para1: Passages are open. OK. Let's get her in the van right away. Look out. Coming through! Watch your back.
S is loaded into the waiting ambulance.
M: She said she had a funny taste in the back of her throat. But there was no pre-existing allergy to bee sting. Now the bee that stung her might have been carrying a virus. <You know he's lucky they didn't get a straitjacket for him talking like that.>
Para1: Virus?
M: Will you tell that to the doctor?
The Paramedics: … virus … advise … reaction… stat!
M: What hos… what hospital are… [the ambulance door closes, M goes to the driver] What hospital are you taking her to?
The ambulance driver just looks back at him. He pulls a gun and fires at M's head. M falls. Seconds later, another ambulance, the real one, pulls up.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. (And again, and again.) CC is a bleepin' sadist.
Ugh! Where do I begin? I hate that woman. I REALLY hate that woman. You know that torture thing I wanted to do to Fouler? I have a similar fate in line for IAW. Where's a sniper when you need one?
I know I wasn't the only one laughing when OM told M that "These people don't make mistakes?" Oh really? Lemme see, Consortium mistakes. 1. Cooperating with the aliens in the first place. 2. Leaving OM alive. 3. Leaving M alive. 4. Leaving S alive. 5. Botching assassination attempt on Krycek. 6. Killing the wrong Scully sister. 7. Blowing up that bleepin' building with the bodies in it. 8. Calling that idiotic hearing to blame M and S for said explosion. 9. Not covering up their presence at that wasteland better. 10. Leaving PvtF to watch the morgue. 11. Moving the bodies in the first place. I could go on but that would probably be overkill. These people don't make mistakes. Give me a bleepin' break. If the Consortium were a car you'd have junked it a LONG time ago.
That was SUCH a shippy moment in the hallway. And M was uncharacteristically unpunklike. He should show his gratitude to S more often. But we all know he won't, the punk.
I MUST give it to S. If it were me, I don't think I would appear nearly as calm. In fact I'd probably be screaming bloody murder and would be of NO use in describing my symptoms. S manages to do so with medical precision. S is the WOMAN!!!
In a bizarre way it's a good thing for M that those weren't real paramedics. Can you imagine if the real paramedics came and he started talking about bees infected with viri? They'd have him in the psych ward again.
Okay, the bee. I am having SUCH a hard time with the bee. Now I am focused. And I'm VERY flexible on plot devices and all but give me a break! How can CC expect us philes, who I must say are of higher intelligence than your average couch potato, (And I don't say that because I am one.) to believe that S got stung by a bee that latched on to her in Texas? You've seen bees. They don't stay still for more than a couple of seconds. And they flit in and out making avoiding them a hellish endeavor. Yet we're expected to believe that a bee attached itself to S, made it through the blast of air at the bee hive door, through the chase in the cornfield, the climb up to the car, the ride to the airport, the airplane ride, the ride to FBI Headquarters, the final fix-up before the hearing, the ride to M's apartment and not ONCE was agitated enough to sting S until M put his hand near it's resting spot to kiss her? I DON'T THINK SO CC!!!!! THAT is about as plausible as Krycek and M becoming a couple and moving to San Francisco. CSM will give up smoking for good first. Spender will become less weaselly and more his father's son first. My sister will let me watch this movie over at her house first. OM will get a willing patient first. Hell will become a frozen wasteland cold enough to make the Arctic look like a tropical paradise first. In other words: Not bloody likely.
I think S should start carrying bug spray in her purse.
Well that's all for now. Until next time…
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